Monday, February 18, 2008

The Bitter Pregnant Woman's Wishlist

Inspired by The Bitter Homeschooler's Wishlist at Secular Homeschooling Magazine, I bring to you The Bitter Pregnant Woman's Wishlist:

  1. Don't ask me about baby names unless you are planning to respond "Wow! What a lovely name!" to anything I might say, including Jehosephat or Agamemnon--for a girl.
  2. Don't ever push me out of your way at a crowded restaurant using my belly.
  3. In fact, don't touch me at all.
  4. Don't cross me in any way, shape, or form--I'm likely to either hit you or cry all over you at any moment.
  5. Do not try to guess how far along I am either. This is not my first child, which means that until a month ago I didn't look pregnant at all and right now I look about 7 1/2 months along.
  6. You may assume that I've read up on all of the following topics and therefore do not need your unsolicited advice: formula vs breastfeeding, induction vs natural childbirth, the risks of a repeat c-section, cloth vs commercial diapers, whether or not to find out the sex ahead of time, etc. I'm reasonably intelligent and can decide such things for myself.
  7. Did I ask you to tell me about the time you spent 48 hours in epidural-free labor, popped your own bag of waters, delivered your baby in the middle of a field and cut the umbilical cord with your teeth? No. No, I don't think I did.
  8. Never, ever ask me how old I am! Or compliment me on my courage/ability/insanity to be doing this again.
  9. Yes, I know how birth control works--this is only my 3rd child for pete's sake!
  10. It's none of your business when we plan to stop.
  11. Don't nudge my husband and congratulate him on slipping one past the goalie.
  12. Don't facetiously offer me wine or another alcoholic beverage and then say "Oh! Ha ha! I forgot that you aren't drinking right now. Oh well, more margaritas for me!"
  13. Never, ever say "Are you going to eat that?"
  14. Don't pressure my older children by asking them if they're going to "help with the baby."
  15. Remember, that your personal safety and/or life may be in danger if you choose not to follow any of these recommendations rules.
That's all for now! I might add some more as I think of them!

UPDATE: Thought of 2 more.

16. When I tell you my due date, try not to look as if you're mentally calculating back 9 months in order to figure out when we "did it." That's just weird.
17. More baby-naming etiquette--refrain from saying "I don't like that!" or "I have a bad association with that name." if I tell you a name we are considering. We are actually not trying to determine your favorite baby name.


Kendall J said...

Ok, Jen, I'm trying hard to figure out how best to say this since I really do empathize with your position, but Gawd, that was hilarious! :D

Rational Jenn said...

Good! Hilarious is what I was aiming for! Because I really do have a sense of humor about it all. Well, usually. :o)

Elisheva Hannah Levin said...


I think I thought about every item on that list when I was pg. And it was even worse in the last few in which I had complications. Evidently, some people atttibute complications to some moral or dietary failure. Oy.

John Drake said...

You sound like my wife when she's pregnant ;) (That's a compliment, by the way)