- Don't ask me about baby names unless you are planning to respond "Wow! What a lovely name!" to anything I might say, including Jehosephat or Agamemnon--for a girl.
- Don't ever push me out of your way at a crowded restaurant using my belly.
- In fact, don't touch me at all.
- Don't cross me in any way, shape, or form--I'm likely to either hit you or cry all over you at any moment.
- Do not try to guess how far along I am either. This is not my first child, which means that until a month ago I didn't look pregnant at all and right now I look about 7 1/2 months along.
- You may assume that I've read up on all of the following topics and therefore do not need your unsolicited advice: formula vs breastfeeding, induction vs natural childbirth, the risks of a repeat c-section, cloth vs commercial diapers, whether or not to find out the sex ahead of time, etc. I'm reasonably intelligent and can decide such things for myself.
- Did I ask you to tell me about the time you spent 48 hours in epidural-free labor, popped your own bag of waters, delivered your baby in the middle of a field and cut the umbilical cord with your teeth? No. No, I don't think I did.
- Never, ever ask me how old I am! Or compliment me on my courage/ability/insanity to be doing this again.
- Yes, I know how birth control works--this is only my 3rd child for pete's sake!
- It's none of your business when we plan to stop.
- Don't nudge my husband and congratulate him on slipping one past the goalie.
- Don't facetiously offer me wine or another alcoholic beverage and then say "Oh! Ha ha! I forgot that you aren't drinking right now. Oh well, more margaritas for me!"
- Never, ever say "Are you going to eat that?"
- Don't pressure my older children by asking them if they're going to "help with the baby."
- Remember, that your personal safety and/or life may be in danger if you choose not to follow any of these
UPDATE: Thought of 2 more.
16. When I tell you my due date, try not to look as if you're mentally calculating back 9 months in order to figure out when we "did it." That's just weird.
17. More baby-naming etiquette--refrain from saying "I don't like that!" or "I have a bad association with that name." if I tell you a name we are considering. We are actually not trying to determine your favorite baby name.