But PD is great for me, too, because when I am focusing on parenting in a non-punitive way (leading and guiding rather than punishing and bribing), then I am using the virtues, too. I have an example from yesterday that I hope will illustrate this.
We were invited to a birthday party for two of the kids' homeschool friends. The party was about an hour away, and was scheduled to last for many hours. It was at a pumpkin farm, and included a corn maze and hayrides and roasting hot dogs and s'mores. We really like these girls and all of the families who would be in attendance, and naturally, we're big fans of open fires and s'mores, too. We ALL were looking forward to attending.
In the morning, we talked about our plans for the day, and everyone was super-excited about the party. But the house was also in its usual disaster state. I pointed this out to everyone and said we needed to get things back in some kind of order before we left for the party. Suddenly, people who were, only moments before, attempting to scale the walls Spider-Man-style, began exhibiting the energy and physical strength levels of decrepit little old ladies. "I'm tired!" "I can't move my legs!" Etc. Not too unusual, really. And oh, how they were pitiful.
After enduring this for a while and getting little help, I started to say, "If you won't help, we won't go!" In other words, I considered offering a punishment (skipping the party) for this non-cooperation. Because I was mad and because that's what my parents (and indeed, many parents) would have done.
And I can't really fault them for that, because I completely understand that feeling of needing something not-so-fun to get done, and holding the super-fun thing out there as a bribe, and threatening to take it away as a consequence. Not that the party wasn't a great motivation--it was, for all of us. In fact, it was such a great motivator that it didn't even need a threat of removal for it to remain motivating.
But instead of issuing the threat, I considered these questions (in my own head):
- Why am I mad?
- Do I really want to attend the party? (rational self-interest question)
- Am I prepared to skip the party? If so, what are the reasons I'm willing to skip the party for?
- What is it that I really want here? Why?
And my answers (also in my head, although I have been known to talk to myself--I know, sign of impending insanity, yes? Isn't that from Zork?):
- I'm mad because there's too much to do and I really need help. Also it's not fair if I'm the one cleaning up everything myself. Boo! Hiss!
- Yes, I do, in fact, really really want to go. My homeschool friends will be there, and we'll get to spend more time talking than we do at our weekly co-op, in a more relaxed setting. It's a gorgeous day, a little warm, and we're not going to have many more days like this. I'd like to spend it outside with our friends.
- Yes, I'm prepared to skip the party--but only for sudden or contagious illness, something emergent with Brendan's work (although I'm also prepared to take the kids myself), or some other unforeseen emergency. I'm also prepared to skip in cases of Extreme Whine, but nobody's even close to that just yet--plus I'd also have to take the desires of the others into account. I'd probably not skip altogether in that case, I'd leave the offending child home with Brendan.
- What I really really want here, is some help cleaning up. Why? Because I hate returning home to a messy house, especially if I know we had had time to make a dent in the disaster before we left. It will stress me out if I think about it at the party, and interfere with my ability to have fun. I also might feel really resentful at the kids at the party, and that feeling will make it hard for all of us to enjoy the party. Also, it will stress me out thinking about the mess and non-cooperation on the drive home, and when walking into the house. I know everyone will be cranky and tired because it will be late. I don't want to have even more stress in that situation.
These thoughts didn't go through my head all at once like that, and it took probably 20 minutes before I figured out my actual reason for wanting to get the cleaning done before leaving: that Thinking about the Mess will Stress Me Out and Make Me Feel Resentful, Which Will Interfere with Our Fun.
Once I figured it out, I just told the kids the honest reason--I don't want to be thinking about the mess at home. That will make it hard for me to enjoy the party. I don't want to be grumpy at the party.
Ryan was much more willing to assist me after that. Much. Morgan, not-so-much, but that's partly because she's four (and-a-half!, she'd insist I add). However, even she helped out a little more after that.
We had to work quickly so we'd have time to eat lunch and go to Target before the party, and knowing we had this party ahead of us was good motivation. We got things kinda picked up--not perfect, but enough for my peace of mind--and had a lovely time at the party.
If I'd just said "Help me clean up or we're not going to the party." then I might have received about as much actual assistance as I did, possibly even a little bit more. But there would have been many things wrong about that strategy. I really wanted to go--so it would have been hard to follow through on that threat. And if I did, then I wouldn't get to do something I really wanted to (I get to have self-interest, too!). Honestly, I wanted to go badly enough that I really might not have followed through on the threat--which would then have demonstrated that I don't really mean what I say, setting us all up for problems in the long-run (especially if I gave empty threats regularly).
Yes, I might have gotten more (or less, or the same) cooperation if I'd held out the carrot and was prepared to use a stick. And it would have taken a whole lot less time, too. Trust me when I tell you how close I was to doing it--how tempting it was.
But because I took a few extra minutes to introspect and think about MY desires and needs, I think we're better off for it. I was completely honest with the kids about why I wanted the cleaning up to be done before we left. I phrased this in terms of my rational self-interest: I'd be stressed, grumpy, etc. This way they get to see me as someone who gets to have self-interest (as opposed to just "Mom").
I also expressed my thoughts in a calm way, not in a stressed out grumpy way, because my focus was simply on communicating to them with honesty. I wasn't emotion-less, but I was not merely dumping my emotions onto them in a mean way. This is still something I'm learning how to do.
My being completely honest with them was also a demonstration of that virtue, and integrity as well. That was a good way to model the virtues I want them to embrace.
Also, I was treating them the way I'd treat anyone--Brendan, my friends, other adults. I was not talking down to them, using my parental authority (with the threat of force to back it up by taking away a fun opportunity as a punishment) to make them obey me. In expressing my emotions in a calm, honest, rational way, explaining the situation as I saw it, I was implicitly saying to them "This is something I'm confident that you can understand. I know you'll work with me here."
In other words, I was appealing to their rationality. Of course, with kids, that rationality isn't always something they'll choose to use--their minds are still new and brains are immature, but they are developing their minds all the time. It's always worth it, I think, to see if the light is ON and appeal to their reason first. In doing so, I can simultaneously model how rational adults treat each other and treat them rationally. Win-Win.
And I think that Ryan at least, saw my point, understood the truth of it (Mom sure does get freaked out about returning home to a mess.), and also saw the fairness of it (There's a lot to clean up and she needs us to help.). Which is why after I told him what I wanted and needed and why, he got more cooperative. He is old enough to begin to appreciate this in a more mature way. Morgan's not there yet, but I'm hopeful that when she's seven (and-a-half!) she'll be there, too. Sean is still the caboose--but I actually got the most cooperation from him--he loves the Put Things In the Box game, and is young enough to just take my suggestion and try to do it. I'll miss that when it's gone. :o)
I'm so glad I handled this issue that way, and I'm also glad I wrote it up--maybe this blog post will help me remember to do more of this!