Pictures!

Even though we had a busy day, I managed to get a few more pictures up on the FamBlog! Cute Morgan, Mr. Tongue, and Yellow Belt Ryan. Check 'em out!

Some Good And A Question

Okay, I had a super-productive day today, made possible by Ryan and Morgan playing well together for a couple of hours on the computer. (Hooray for Starfall!)

I made chicken in the crockpot and it was yummy. I even made up the recipe! Those of you who know me IRL realize what an incredible thing this is!

All three kids had a bath tonight, and the family room is nice and tidied. Very rare.

I handled a few things for the cabin and a few necessary things concerning the kids and the house.

So now, my question: There is a quantity of yummy smelling stock left over from my crockpot chicken. I strained it and put it in the fridge. Now what?!?!?!? I want to make something with it, but need ideas, websites, etc.

Thanks.

Overheard In The Kitchen

Brendan: "Ryan, I wish you'd sit in your seat and finish up your dinner instead of tormenting your sister."

Ryan, with a Beavis & Butthead kind of laugh: "Tormenting. That's a good word, Dad."

I think he missed the point.

Objectivist Round Up

The latest edition of the Objectivist Round Up can be found at Making Progress. Thanks to first-time host Burgess Laughlin!

As an added bonus, our carnival is the Carnival of the Day on the Blog Carnival home page!

Bonus Good

Sean has been making the sign for milk all evening long! He did it this morning, but I couldn't be sure if it was a fluke.

It isn't! He is nursing and signing and grinning all at the same time. He is so delighted with himself--you can really tell that he's made a connection.

The human brain is an amazing thing.

Good And Funny

The Good

• Sean clapped his hands repeatedly on purpose. (He's done it before now, but I could never tell if he really meant it.)

• The grocery store had Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc (and today is thankfully not a Sunday). Bought 4 bottles. Oh, yes I did.

• Oh yeah. I actually went to the grocery store! My Facebook friends will understand why this was necessary--the kids ate cold leftover pizza for breakfast this morning!

• The Garbagemen Peopleguys are coming tomorrow morning, and I remembered to clean out the fridge AND the trash is already by the curb. I'm hot tonight, baby!

• Morgan let me brush her hair before ballet.

• A very nice person is letting me mess around with Wordpress on her site. Brave and kind! (Thanks!)

The Funny

• We didn't have a particularly HI-larious day, although I cracked myself up all day long on Facebook.

• Well. I did begin my day in an interesting way. [Warning: May be funny and/or interesting only to parents. You have been warned.] In the early pre-dawn hours, Sean, who is still recovering from croup, started coughing in his sleep. After I scooped him and held him upright to clap him on the back, he threw up all over me (just from the coughing, you know). Then he fell against my shoulder and fell all the way back to sleep. So my choice was either to let him sleep or wake him up so we both could get cleaned up. You parents know which option I took!

• Ryan noted that a tree's branches were kind of like its arms, and the leaves are the THingers (he still thinks "fingers" starts with TH).

• I'm watching Brendan and Ryan teach Morgan how to play Empire Earth right this very second. She's so excited because, "The Yellow Guys want to be my friends!" She pronounced that last word in just the way you'd imagine a 3 year old girl, excited to make a new friend, would say it--it was kind of a squeal, actually!

I have to just tell you that I'm really enjoying this Good (and Funny) exercise. Even though I don't write it out every day, I'm very cognizant of the little things that make my days fun and happy.

Mini LinkFest

I found this list at Reservation for Six: Murphy's Mama's Law. Here's my favorite one:

5. Leaving the house in a rush for a quick errand, without a diaper or wipes, will guarantee a baby has a major blow-out in her diaper.

Actually, they're all pretty funny and true, so check them out!

Also, here is George Harrison performing on Eric Idle's old tv show called Rutland Weekend Television. Brendan and I have been watching Monty Python movies lately (many of which George Harrison helped produce), so this is an especially timely find. (Sigh, George . . . I've always had a soft spot in my heart for him.)

Today is our jam-packed activity day (chess, ballet/tap, taekwondo), so I only have time to post two interesting things. Bye for now!

What Is My Medieval Profession?

You Are a Playwright

You are a highly literate wordsmith. You love both reading and writing. You are also a natural storyteller. You can turn a mediocre anecdote into a riveting tale. You find people and all aspects of life fascinating. No topic is off limits for you. In modern times, you would make a good filmmaker or novelist.

What's Your Medieval Profession?

In modern times, you would make a good filmmaker or novelist. Or perhaps a blogger? :o)

As someone who started out my undergraduate career as a Medieval Studies major, I couldn't resist this quiz. I ended my undergrad career as an English major, so I must therefore end this post with:

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy . . . .

Positive Discipline And The Trader Principle

Positive Discipline techniques are excellent for teaching and reinforcing what Objectivists know as The Trader Principle:

A trader is a man who earns what he gets and does not give or take the undeserved. He does not treat men as masters or slaves, but as independent equals. He deals with men by means of a free, voluntary, unforced, uncoerced exchange—an exchange which benefits both parties by their own independent judgment.

Ayn Rand, "The Objectivist Ethics, The Virtue of Selfishness

In other words, The Trader Principle is a way of dealing justly with other people, recognizing their right to their life (and therefore, body, property, ideas, decisions) and expecting--and hopefully receiving--the same in return.

Obviously, children are going to need help learning some ways to deal with other people--negotiation tactics, interpersonal skills--and some of the ideas I've learned from the PD literature offer excellent ways to do so in a manner that is also just and respectful.

Sharing and Taking Turns

One way we use PD to reinforce the Trader Principle concerns Sharing, that bane of toddlers and preschoolers (oh, okay--even grownups) since the dawn of time. It's hard to let something interesting go into the hands of another. It's even harder to be told that it's better (as in, morally right) to give that something up to someone else rather than to play with it yourself. Of course, I disagree with that altruistic idea.

But I also think that learning to share and take turns is generally a good idea--because ultimately, you'll have to do that quite a bit as a grownup if you choose to live with and/or near other people. I take turns with Brendan all the time--we take turns driving the cars or reading books or picking out which movie to watch next. We share lots of things, too--yummy food at a restaurant (or home!), our money, things for the house. Sharing and taking turns happens outside the home, too: waiting for your turn to check out at the grocery store, sharing the road with other cars, etc. (I'll leave government-required "sharing" out of this post, for what I hope are obvious reasons.)

PD proponents recognize that sharing and taking turns are not easy for a child, and that they need help from adults to learn to do these things, and how to do them in a kind and gracious way. The attitude of my parents and many parents I see seems to be: children need to learn to share, and be forced to share and sometimes be made to feel guilty when they don't do it (or do so graciously). PD techniques help the adult acknowledge the child's (often) negative feelings associated with sharing/taking turns while being respectful of the child's individuality, property rights, and need for independence. There is also a focus on negotiation techniques that are pretty darn useful in other areas, too. And now of course it's . . .

Example Time!

Take the all-too-typical situation of: somebody wants a toy that somebody else is playing with.

Some OS ways to handle it (mostly directed at the kid who has the toy):

• "Give her the toy. She's younger/sad/other Mom-determined reason."

• "You really need to learn to share." (I remember this one from my own childhood.)

• "You don't really want that toy anymore."

• "You have to share or you'll be punished."

• "What's the big deal? It's just a truck. You have thousands of trucks." (to one or both kids)

• "Why are you crying?" (to one or both kids)

• Mom takes toy away and gives it to the other kid.

• Mom sets the kitchen timer for 5 minutes without input from either kid.
  

Some PD ways to handle it:

With the kid who wants the toy:

• "You'd like a turn. Can you ask for a turn in a polite way?"

• "Do you need my help asking for a turn?"

• "It's hard to wait for a turn sometimes. I know just how that feels."

• "Your turn will be in 3 minutes [after negotiations have occurred]. What would you like to do while you wait?"

With the kid who already has the toy:

• "Morgan would like a turn with that toy. How much longer do you need for your turn?"

• "I know it's a special toy."

• "When we have friends over, we let them play with our toys--they let us play with their toys when we visit them."

• "Ryan asked politely for a turn. What can you say back to him?"

• "It's hard to let someone else take a turn with a toy you're interested in."

• "Will you let us know when you're done with that toy so that Morgan can have a turn?"

There are many differences in the styles, of course. One of the things I like about the PD method is that it places the onus for getting the problem solved on the children--with Mom there to walk them through the steps, help them find appropriate words and offer sympathy. There is no arbitrary Mom-imposed time limit or other determination from someone else that the turn is over. I have an idea for a future post about how we handle negotiating (between children, and between the adult and child). For now, I'll just say that I have no interest in being Judge, Jury, and Executioner. (Although I still often fall back into this bad habit.) In the long run, they'll have negotiation skills from practicing these techniques and will not become second-handed about letting someone else determine how problems are solved.

The Trader Principle

The other terrific thing about this PD method for handling sharing issues is that it reinforces the Trader Principle! Of course, negotiation skills are part of teaching the Trader Principle--rational adults don't just snatch things out of the hands of others. They discuss the terms of their deal and do it respectfully until an agreement that each can live with is reached. They know that each has a right to his property and approaches trading situations (like sharing and taking turns) with that in mind.

I don't muscle my way past little old ladies at the check out lane. I recognize that others have a rightful spot ahead of me in line and respect their right to that spot. If I only have a few items, I might ask the person to trade spots with me. If she refused, then I'd just have to wait some more. I don't demand that my neighbor lend me her garden rake. I know that it's hers, and if I would like to borrow it, then I think of a polite way to ask her. She is free to say no, of course.

We respect the right of the child to decide what happens to his property, which extends to his right to play with our general toy stockpile. Generally, our toys ARE for sharing--meaning that any child who wants to play with a toy gets a turn. But we don't set arbitrary limits on the length of turns. So if you want to play with a toy, your turn lasts as long as you want. (My understanding is that this is how it works in a Montessori classroom, too, although correct me if I'm wrong about this.) Also, you must take reasonable care of the toy, protecting it from damage. Accidents do happen, but that's a different context, of course.

However, if you know that someone else is waiting for a turn with a particular thing, then there is a problem that needs to be worked out. Conversely, if you'd like a turn with something, then rudely demanding or grabbing the toy is not appropriate. There is a problem that can be named (often by Mom): Two children want to play with the same toy right now. Time for both children to work on solutions for the problem. Working with the other person to find a solution to the problem is what's expected.

This is how adults deal with each other, too. If I need the phone and Brendan is on it, I might ask him "How much longer are you going to be?" He, knowing that I'm waiting, might hurry up his conversation. Or he might say "It's a work call and I'm going to be a while." We might think that a Fight to the Death (or to the Pain) over ONE LEGO is ridiculous--and we might be right. But it's enough to recognize that it's important to THEM, and embrace this excellent opportunity to help the kids learn how to work with each other according to the Trader Principle. Because one day, they might want to borrow something from someone else. :o)

There is an exception to our general toy rule: Special Toys. Some things are too special to share--for sentimental reasons (like loveys), or because they are unique, or because you bought them with your own money. Actually, the child needn't have a "good" reason (by my standards) for declaring a toy "Special." It's enough for me to know that for whatever reason, This Toy is Special (Today). Special Toys do not have to be shared ever. We use the strategy of taking Special Toys up to their rooms before having guests over, lest our guest--innocently unaware of the Specialness--accidentally provoke an international incident by touching them. Also, it's no fair to confer Specialness upon a toy that someone else has been playing with for a while, just because you're not in the mood to share that day. Now, we can't keep all of our Special Toys hidden from siblings, who, alas, must share our house--but they are very good about respecting each other's Special Toys--because they know that their Special Toys are also respected.

Again--adults have special things that are not for sharing, too. My treasured dragon collection--not for sharing. Brendan's insulin needles--only for him. I have a Mommy Flashlight that I don't share, because I got tired of never being able to find a flashlight. So I bought my own, told everyone it was Too Special for me to share, and they respect that (usually).

Consequences

But are there any consequences to not sharing? Of course! We do not punish or make the kid feel guilty about not sharing a toy or being rude about letting another have a turn. But I will point out the consequences of his actions, if I think it might be appropriate. Or I might let him experience the consequences directly.

The consequence is this: If you never share or let anyone have a turn; or if you're a jerk about it; or if you don't take proper care of somebody else's things, then nobody will want to share with you. The Trader Principle again.

If I DEMAND my neighbor lend me her rake, she might say no simply because of my demeanor, even if she had been previously inclined to let me borrow it. If I help myself to her rake without asking, she might be angry and keep her garage locked. If I don't take care of her rake while I'm using it, she might be hesitant to lend me something else.

So I explain to my kids:

• "If you'd like to play with her toys when you're at her house, you should share your toys with her."

• "If you break that toy that he's letting you play with, then he might not let you have a turn next time."

• "You spoke so rudely to her that I'm not sure she's going to want to share that with you. Can you think of a way to ask that will make her WANT to share?

Sometimes they make good decisions when I point this stuff out to them; other times, they don't. But experiencing the good and bad results of those decisions gives them knowledge in a way I simply can't if I always step in and solve the problem for them.

That's all I have about the Trader Principle for now. I'm interested in your thoughts and how you handle such issues. I'm always looking for new ideas!

Weekend Wrap Up

The Good

1.) Well, I managed to get some things done--the new organizers are in the kids' rooms and seem to be functioning as advertised. The playroom down here is still a bit of a mess, but I plan to use Mrs. Scower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover pick the rest of it up tomorrow.

2.) I've got half of a new positive discipline post written, made possible by:

• the baby taking an extra good long nap this afternoon (still getting over croup),

• Brendan taking the other children out of the house (YAY!),

• the number 6, and

• the letter R.

Hope to get the rest finished up and published tomorrow. Let's see, what else?

3.) Oh! I accidentally bought a Riesling at the store the other day. (No! No! Not today! My state government won't allow me to purchase a bottle of wine on Sunday under penalty of law.) Anyway, I drank some with dinner tonight. Usually, I dislike Rieslings--but this one was good. No Sauvignon Blanc, of course, but palatable. I was pleasantly surprised.

4.) Visits with friends, in person, and at my cyber-home-away-from-home (Facebook) are always delightful. :o)

5.) I joined an online bookclub. Double :o)

And The Funny

1.) I didn't have time to write down all of the funny things that usually seem to make our days go by with a smile, but I did get to say "Stop licking the abacus." And that is very amusing to me.

2.) I started a new Facebook group called the Serious Laundry Avoiders Coalition (SLAC) and there are already lots of members--even people I don't know! Please join, as it will be an ever-so-amusing way to waste time (and avoid laundry!).

3.) Brendan is funny in a weird-strange-funny kind of way. I like it. (By the way--you shouldn't believe anything he writes on Facebook.)

Good And Funny Stuff

How'd we do today? It was a rough start. Sean was up for about half the night and a quick visit to the doc this morning resulted in a croup diagnosis. I'm kind of a zombie, and looking at one more rough night (at least), but I still had fun today.


Good Stuff

1. Having our Fun Friend Friday, despite our illness.
2. Walking around outside in the sunshiny afternoon--in short sleeves!
3. New organizers for the kids's rooms arrived, so we can move some of the crap toys upstairs into their rooms.

Funny Stuff

Actual lyric: Pop goes the weasel!

Ryan's lyric: Out pops the weasel!

Morgan's lyric: Out pops the freezer!


I'm crazy tired, so good night.

Another Sign Of The Times?

You've got to be kidding me with this. Bulletproof backpack inserts for kids?

From the product description (emphasis added):

Make your favorite pack, bag or briefcase "bulletproof". This is the standard size ballistic panel found in the "My Child's Pack" and "Executive" Backpacks. Simply insert the panel in your favorite bag for instant Threat Level IIIa Ballistic protection. That's protection up to and including 44 Magnum! You can even swap your panel(s) from bag to bag.

For less than the cost of an iPod you can make any bag or pack, from your Louis Vuitton to your NorthFace, a Threat Level IIIa anti-ballistic shield.

Our semi-flexible Threat level IIIa panels are approx. 1/4 inch thick, weigh less than a bottle of water and will fit discretely in most packs, courier bags and larger purses. For smaller or larger panels, see our Jr. size BulletBlocker Panel or email for Custom Ballistic Panels.

Now there is no reason to leave yourself exposed to the threat of random violence.

Are things really that bad? Or would I be surprised?

Via bore me to tears

Good Stuff

Okay, here I go with remembering to write a few Good Things about today:

1. Carnivals! (See below)
2. Taking Ryan out to dinner to celebrate his Yellow Belt.
3. Going to Music Class--always puts me in a good mood.
4. Remembering to buy wine. (Bonus Good Thing!)
   

Funny Things about today (because I'm happier if I can remember the funny):

1. Morgan FINALLY learning to blow her nose--only she forgot the tissue.
2. Mixing up my carnivals, and putting the link to the Objectivist Round Up in my message to the Food Allergy blog carnival on Facebook. :o) Always looking for more readers!
   
3. The new word of the day: jacknabber. Which is what my kids call a jackhammer. Sounds vaguely like my mom's favorite cuss word: dagnabbit.

Okay. That was fun.

Objectivist Round Up

This week's edition of the Objectivist Round Up is over at The Rule of Reason. Enjoy!

Living With Food Allergies Blog Carnival!

Welcome to the January 22, 2009 edition of the Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival. We're glad you're here!

This carnival features posts by blog authors who are dealing with food allergies in some way--as a food allergy sufferer, the parent of a child with food allergies, those working in industries (restaurants, for example) of interest to those with food allergies.

We share our experiences (good and bad), recipes, and safety tips in a spirit of camaraderie as we work to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe and happy.

Our focus is on LIVING with these allergies, not allowing them to hinder our lives unnecessarily (knowing that we must also be ever-vigilant and prepared).

Welcome! :o)

First, let's get to the best part: Recipes and Where to Find Yummy (and Safe) Food!

Annette Berlin presents Just Wonderful! Split Pea Soup posted at Craft Stew, saying, "This is a rich and filling soup that just about anyone can eat."

Jennifer B presents Food Allergy Friendly Valentine's Sweets posted at Food Allergy Buzz, saying, "So many choices! The only catch is a little more moolah and advance planning."

Alisa presents Go Dairy Free | Introducing the World's First Coconut Milk Beverage, a Tasty Alternative to Dairy and Soymilk posted at Go Dairy Free. [Rational Jenn says: Sounds yummy!]

Alisa presents Peanut Butter Cinnamon Popcorn ? err, sort of posted at One Frugal Foodie, saying, "Okay, it isn't suitable for peanut allergies, but this one is a good, easy snack creation for most other food allergies, including milk, egg, tree nuts, soy, and even corn!" [Rational Jenn says: I bet Almond Butter or Sunbutter would be good, too (we can eat those around here).]

chupieandjsmama presents Slow cooker BBQ beef posted at Mom's Food Allergy Diner. [Rational Jenn says: I'm always looking for crock pot recipes!]

Alison presents Gluten-free finds at the Fancy Food Show posted at Sure Foods Living.

LIVING with Food Allergies

Andra presents Allergy vs. Intolerance posted at Sugar Cane Allergy.

Amy Leger presents Can you afford cooking gluten free for your whole family? posted at The Savvy Celiac, saying, "If you ever doubted the high cost of gluten-free specialty foods, a relatively new study out of Canada slaps us all in the face with the incredible cost of those foods. Sometimes you have no choice but to buy them (gluten-free pretzels/pasta/pizza), but this post looks at other ways to save on gluten-free food and my theory on why it’s all so expensive."

Amy Leger presents Just in: Starbucks going Gluten-Free? posted at The Savvy Celiac, saying, "Do you dream about a day when you can order a gluten-free brownie when you stop at Starbucks….Your dream may become a reality!"

Amy Leger presents Twittering the Gluten-Free Way posted at The Savvy Celiac, saying, "Want to get on the Twitter bandwagon with regards to celiac disease and the gluten-diet? Here are some good feeds to get you started– because I’ve found it’s hard to find people on Twitter…you too?"

Libby presents Walk a Mile with Me posted at The Allergic Kid. [Rational Jenn says: About the recent salmonella outbreak in some peanut products.]

Alisa presents Go Dairy Free | Updated Go Dairy Free Diet and Health Journal Now Available for Free Download posted at Go Dairy Free, saying, "Though it can be used for general health and diet tracking, I created this journal specifically to help people identify food sensitivities."

Alisa presents Food Allergy Documentary Increases Availability and Awareness with New Video Clips posted at Go Dairy Free.

Leslea Harmon from allergyware.com presents It's not your imagination posted at Allergy News - All the News That Itches, saying, "There is now a CDC-documented rise in food allergies. As allergy moms, we've known this for YEARS. Your friends and neighbors, however, might not believe it until they read it."

Amy Leger presents Girl Scouts and Gluten-Free posted at The Savvy Celiac, saying, "For years my daughter has wanted to be in Girl Scouts…and consistently I’ve said no. For one reason and one reason alone, why should she have to sell cookies that she can’t even eat?"

Countering Ridiculous Misinformation

Jennifer O. presents Comments From the Peanut Free Gallery: The Science of Stupidity posted at Comments From the Peanut Free Gallery.

Alison presents What some (ignorant) people think about food allergies posted at Sure Foods Living, saying, "Might be old news now, but just in case anyone wanted to read my response to Joel Stein's article in the LA Times."

Rational Jenn presents I Am Not An Attention-Seeking Psycho at Rational Jenn, saying "I really don't understand the mentality of people who think I'M mental simply because my kid has a peanut allergy. Or, in other words: Joel Stein Can Stick It."

That concludes this edition! The February 5 edition will be found at Go Dairy Free! Submit your blog article to the next edition of the Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival using our carnival submission form.

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags:

living with food allergies carnival, blog carnival.

Yes! More Pictures!

I actually got the Christmas pictures up on the FamBlog!

And now I'm going to bed. Good night!

Which Keyboard Key Am I?

You Are "ctrl"

Some people might try to say that you're too controlling. And while there is a controlling aspect to your personalty, you like to think you're competent. You are an expert in many fields. You tend to really know your stuff. You tend to take the reins whenever it's needed. You like to lead, and people like to follow you.

What Keyboard Key Are You?

Just as I predicted! Not sure anyone who knows me will be much surprised at this particular result. Because, you know, I sure am COMPETENT.

Also, people do like to follow me--because I tell them to follow me AND to like it. :o) (Now if that would only work on the children . . . .)

Thanks to Gus for giving me something to post on the blog today!

Picture Time!

Over at the FamBlog--a few pictures of Mr. Baby, who is officially 7 months old today.

Belts And Trophies

Ryan earned his Yellow Belt at Taekwondo! He is beyond thrilled (as are his proud parents). Watching him make progress toward this accomplishment since September has been amazing. He not only knows how to do all of the moves, he actually comports himself differently when he's in uniform--he's calm and tall and very aware of doing the appropriate thing.

He never goofs around with the other kids before class. (Really, not too many of the kids actually goof around, but there always seem to be a couple of them who do). He runs right in, bows, and starts stretching or practicing his form or running. He is focused and interested and I never, ever have to ask him twice to get into uniform when it's time to go to class--and he's been going three times a week for the last month or so.

Last Thursday, I found out he'd be testing that night. Apparently, he knew it all along and just failed to mention it to me. I called Brendan and he came over from work to watch the test. Just before the test, Ryan had an attack of nerves: "What if I don't know anything?"

Suddenly, I felt all nervous on his behalf--as a child I never did well in similar situations, even when I knew my stuff cold, because in my house anything less than Perfection was a Complete, Universe-Ending Failure. I tried to imagine what I would have wanted my parents to say to me and so I had him recite the 5 Tenets, told him "See? You KNOW this stuff! You'll do great." And then told him all he or his teacher or we wanted him to do was his best try. And then I shut up because I tend to babble and over-explain and he really didn't need that from me just then!

He took the test with two other White Belts--they were so tiny compared to the older kids who were testing!--wasn't perfect, and passed. He was positively beaming last night, when he received his new Yellow Belt (pictures soon on the FamBlog, promise!). Later, he announced to Brendan and me that he intended to "do Taekwondo until I die!" Which I'm assuming means that he intends to go for Black Belt rather than a more literal interpretation. :o)

If he hadn't passed--well, I now know, at the age of 38, that the universe hardly ever ends when such things happen. I think he might have been sad, of course, but I feel sure that he would have continued with it. I would NOT have said something like, "Well, you should have practiced more." or "It must have been when you messed up in the middle of the form." (Yes, I'm still trying to get over some things!)

I can't help but contrast this experience with that of his Chess Class. Ryan is also very talented at chess. (Hmmm....I wonder if he's just naturally good at things where he can imagine Good Guys versus Bad Guys.) At the end of each chess session, there is a trophy ceremony. "Every child receives a trophy!" is displayed prominently in the handouts and on their website.

There is a nominal ranking system, grouped by age, where the child gets points for answering questions and winning games and being a gracious winner or a gracious loser. But the points are very arbitrary. I've never been able to figure out why some answers are worth 2 points and others are worth 5 points, and there doesn't seem to be an attempt to get some of the quieter kids to answer questions (and I'm not entirely sure if that's good or bad).

Every child does indeed get a trophy, and they're nice trophies, too. But there are two ways you can earn an extra trophy--you can beat a coach at a chess game or you can get the Good Sportsmanship trophy. I've never seen anyone beat a coach yet, so those trophies are very rare indeed. The Good Sportmanship trophy is completely pointless, I think. Yes, being a good sport--helping reset the chessboard, not throwing a hissy fit when you lose, not gloating when you win, being flexible about who you're partnered with, moving to a different table if necessary, etc.--good things to know, sure. But I think that just by being a part of that class (which I love for him, apart from all of this trophy stuff), the kids learn the appropriate ways to behave, with no special reward necessary. I've seen this trophy ceremony three times, and last time was the only time where the coaches gave a specific reason for giving the Good Sportsmanship trophy to a certain kid. The other two times it seemed completely arbitrary.

Still--Ryan has told us that he would like to be the recipient of the Good Sportsmanship trophy one day. So we talk about the kinds of things he can do to show the coaches he deserves it, but it's very nebulous. Neither one of us really has any clue what he might do to get this particular trophy--and I doubt the coaches do either, truly. Whereas, it's quite clear how he can earn the other trophy--by beating a coach. It's very clear what he needs to do to earn his next belt in taekwondo--the requirements are written out and are very specific.

Ryan's first Every Child Gets A Trophy! ceremony was fun, but both subsequent ceremonies were kind of boring and Ryan was visibly much less excited than he was when he received his first trophy. Still happy to get a trophy, of course--who doesn't like shiny trophies made of real gold? (I've tried to 'splain that, but he doesn't seem to hear me.)

It wasn't until last night that I again saw that level of excitement and happiness radiating out of him--only MORE. He experienced that true feeling of happiness at having accomplished an actual something as opposed to being just one of a crowd picking up the next shiny thing. Joy. Pure joy. You'll see it on his face once I get the pictures up.

I suspect that the next trophy ceremony at Chess class (coming up in a few weeks) will seem even flatter than before. I don't know who the chess people think they're fooling (and I'm really not trying to knock them--they run an excellent program and teach chess really well). Even kids can figure out when a reward is truly earned and when it's not. Even if they can't articulate why, none of these kids at chess smile like the kids at taekwondo last night. It's a shame--yes, a shame in the butt--that so many adults seem to think that a feeling of accomplishment can simply be handed to a child in the form of a trophy.

The real feeling of pride can only come from hard work and effort and determination focused on objective goals, and can never be provided by another person. I am so happy Ryan experienced that!

Positive Discipline Resources

I'm so tickled that my parenting/positive discipline posts were so well-received! Thank you very much. Obviously, it's a topic which I'm thinking about all the time (being so integral to my current occupation) and enjoy writing about. I really enjoyed reading the many responses and discussion--it always gets me thinking.

One of my blogging/writing goals for 2009, actually, is to write more about parenting and philosophy. I'm trying to decide which parenting topic to write about next--I have several posts in the works, although ideas welcome!. I'm trying not to let myself get overwhelmed--there are so many possibilities that I'm having a hard time settling down and just getting started. This is somewhat compounded by the fact that it's generally difficult to get a big chunk of time to myself in which to write--if it wasn't for those meddling kids . . . ! My awesome hubby will be helping with that situation, though--thanks!

It's my intention to do at least one post each week about parenting--with particular emphasis on Objectivism and/or positive discipline. In the meantime, I'll post some links about positive discipline if you're inclined to explore the method further.

As I mentioned before, Jane Nelsen's site contains excellent overview get-you-started information, Q&As and articles for parents, as well as links to her many books on the subject. A great place to start.

Another overview book is The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten by Martha and Bill Sears. The Sears's are well-known for their books on pregnancy, baby development, and child health--he is a pediatrician; she is a pediatric nurse. I often go to their website when I can't remember what to do when one of the kids is sick or hurt.

Barbara Coloroso is another author I've enjoyed reading. Her book Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline contains many strategies I use every day. The most useful of which are negotiation skills (between siblings and between parent and child), the difference between jellyfish, brick wall, and backbone parents (option #3 is the goal), and some really excellent ideas for helping your child be responsible for his actions (I used many of these ideas when Ryan and his friend broke the neighbor's car window). Also--I just love the second part of the title of the book: Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline. It really speaks to my goal of teaching my kids how to control themselves, instead of how to be in my control. (There's much on the inside of the book that helps with that, too!)

Another book about non-punitive discipline is Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn. It's an interesting look at the downside of reward systems, how ultimately they can be just as detrimental as punishments, in that they merely teach the kid to how to obey in order to get the reward (to be second-handed, although he doesn't use that term). When the reward is gone, so is the motivation.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has two really excellent books: Raising Your Spirited Child and Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime. I refer to both books quite a bit. Raising Your Spirited Child helped me identify some of Ryan's and Morgan's temperament traits and how to work with them. And of course, I always need assistance with power struggles (mostly in extricating myself from unnecessary ones).

And finally, I think How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is a must-read. It's all about strategies for effective, respectful communication with children--and adults, too! It has been invaluable for me to find kinder ways to talk to my kids and get them to understand what I'm trying to tell them.

That's all for now, although I'm sure I'll think of more and add them to the list. (None of these authors are Objectivists, but I have found that their values and mine are generally in agreement.)

Happy Reading! Let me know what you think!

Good Things About This Weekend

Wasn't I just saying something the other day about how I'm becoming more positive and optimistic in my old age? :o)

I have had a weekend in which my dreams of being economical and Martha Stewart-ish have been thwarted at every turn and it's very frustrating, since I'm really trying very, very hard. I even let it get me down and I'm not really given over to that sort of thing in general. I do still have enough post-baby hormones going on that I could blame it on that, so I will. !! :o) But I also want to think about Good Things, too, so I'll give this exercise a try and see if it helps my mental state.

Okay, here goes:

• We got outdoors today, and played in the sunshine, with good--no, great! friends.
• We got Sean's new carseat installed. Brendan and the Big Kids also cleaned and vacuumed the minivan.
• I took Ryan to taekwondo yesterday--just the two of us. It's been so long since we got to do something, just the two of us. Since I didn't have the baby, I was able to sit in the gym and watch him.
• I watched Brendan and Ryan make a film--look for it on the FamBlog in the next week or so (editing still remains, and it's dependent on Brendan's work schedule).
• I ordered us some more grassfed beef!
• Morgan spells her name: M-O-R-G-A-N-Space-C. That's "Morgan C." She is smart AND beautiful!

So, those are nice things, yes? Not a total wash, this weekend.

Good exercise, this Good Things. I'm in a much better state of mind!

A Sign Of The Times

This Security Check Point toy by Playmobil is a really terrible idea. And yet--hysterical!

I get that Playmobil specializes in developing peopleguy toys--we're all over that idea around here, as you know. But--Airport Security Guard Peopleguys? It's not even realistic--the passenger can't remove her shoes, and is therefore certain to require a full strip-search--but where's the little room and mini latex gloves? Sheesh.

If only we'd had this toy a year ago, when we were attempting to explain to Ryan the myriad absurdities of getting through Security at the airport! We could have done some great role-playing around his whole Bring the Toy Gun scenario, yes?

I think this review nicely captures many of the sarcastic remarks I'd like to make myself:

Thank you Playmobil for allowing me to teach my 5-year old the importance of recognizing what a failing bureaucracy in a ever growing fascist state looks like. Sometimes it's a hard lesson for kids to learn because not all pigs carry billy clubs and wear body armor. I applaud the people who created this toy for finally being hip to our changing times. Little children need to be aware that not all smiling faces and uniforms are friendly. I noticed that my child is now more interested in current events. Just the other day he asked me why we had to forfeit so much of our liberties and personal freedoms and I had to answer "well, it's because the terrorists have already won". Yes, they have won.

I also highly recommend the Playmobil "farm fencing" so you can take your escorted airline passenger away and fence him behind bars as if he were in Guantanamo Bay.

The other reviews are worth reading, too.

Via ODonnellWeb

Invisibility Cloak!

Super fun! There are scientist peopleguys working on a Muggle-version of an invisibility cloak. What a world we live in!

More LinkFest

More things I've been meaning to mention:

Amy has started a really neat tradition on her blog called Three Good Things (via Jean Moroney--think I read about this on HBL, too). The idea is to make a note of Three Good Things that happened each day, as a way to . . . accentuate the positive, to borrow a phrase from Johnny Mercer. Incidentally, I have noticed that I'm becoming more positive, more optimistic in my old age--not Pollyanna, mind--but more inclined to try to find silver linings. I think this Good Things mental exercise is a great way to end a day spent with irritable children. :o) I find myself thinking, "Would this make my Good Things List?" as the day progresses. In summary: I like.

Flibbert is inspiring me with his penny-pinching ways. Brendan and I have decided to cancel our satellite tv service after the Superbowl! That will save us a pretty penny each month! We are not unhappy with the service (unlike the last time we canceled a tv service). We just don't watch broadcast television any more. The kids have about 7,000 DVDs to watch, and Brendan and I watch TV-on-DVD at night after the kids go to bed. The kids don't watch all that much tv during the day anyway==we tend to save the tv for when we have a sitter. So anyway--saving money = yay!

Speaking of TV-on-DVD: we just started Mad Men last night and let me just say: Holy Smokes! there's a lot of smoking going on! And a funny scene with kids riding in a car with no carseats and a little girl playing astronaut, wearing a plastic dry cleaning bag over her head. It's a different world! I'll let you know what we think once we're further into it. Brendan just told me he's inspired to smoke in his office and drink Scotch all day. Me, too, honey. Me, too! (Well, minus the smoking.)

And just for fun--a remake of the video for Journey's "Separate Ways." Oh, the memories! Good stuff.

Spelling Lessons

Morgan's been playing around with puzzle pieces that have letters on them, arranging and rearranging them, and sounding out her word creations.

We've done snow and mow and fox and on. And vsof and ewc and xefv. She's mostly doing this activity on her own, only asking me for help reading her more unusual creations. It's so fascinating to watch her pursue this work at her own initiative. And convenient for me that she's so independent about it, as I'm able to talk to her and use Facebook at the same time. :o)

Well, she wanted to know what fx spelled. We sounded it out together and decided "fffks" doesn't really sound like much of anything. I absentmindedly suggested that a vowel might help. She asked me to say the vowels again, so I said "a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y." And then I returned to my Facebook Very Important Grownup Work.

Methodical child that she is, she began creating new words and saying them aloud:

"fax . . .fex . . . fix . . . fox . . . [wait for it] . . . fux!"

And then of course, fixated on the last word, chanting it over and over again. "Mom, Mom! I think 'fx' spells 'fux'!"

This homeshcooling thing is a blast!

Hooray! It's Carnival Day!

C. August at Titanic Deck Chairs hosts this week's Objectivist Round Up. Head on over there and check it out!

LinkFest

Here are several things I've been meaning to link to:

Rootie from Optional Values has a really sweet post about the experience of childbirth from the father's point of view.

Elisheva has an excellent follow up to my latest peanut allergy rant at her blog called "Joel Stein Throws Numbers Around." She analyzes his "thinking" very well. (Thank you.)

These homeschooled guys are making funny movies on YouTube. Collect 'em all!

C. August's little guy made up a new word the other day: Momniscient. I love it because it's so true.

Also, I hereby announce my plans to make the phrase "shame in the butt" a household term. Help me out by working it into your everyday conversation! It would be a shame in the butt if you didn't!

Positive Discipline And Rational Self-Interest

In my earlier post on Positive Discipline (PD), I mentioned that I would attempt to write more about how I think PD techniques help me to parent according to my values--specifically with Objectivism, the philosophy of Ayn Rand.

As a good Objectivist parent, I want my kids to grow up knowing for certain that it is morally right for them to pursue their goals. I do not want them to learn that self-sacrifice is desirable, nor do I want them to feel guilty about pursuing their own selfish ends. I think that children have as much right to be selfish as adults--while recognizing that they will need guidance from loving adults. (If you are curious about why Objectivists think selfishness is moral, I refer you to ARI and, of course, the many works of Ayn Rand. I use "rational self-interest" in this post because it helps me demonstrate my point better, but many Objectivists use both terms interchangeably. By the way, any philosophical errors in this post--or any of my posts--are mine and mine alone.)

Kids have absolutely no trouble being selfish, self-interested! It takes a while for the brain to mature to the point where the kid can even begin to understand that others have feelings and ideas. They start out very selfish. So what's the issue? The parenting issue for an Objectivist parent is not driving the selfishness out of the child, but rather, helping the child develop rational self-interest.

There are two main issues we've encountered here at our house. The first one is getting the child to understand and respect that other people (and that includes Mom) also get to have self-interests. The second is helping the child develop that faculty of reason--in other words, putting the rational into rational self-interest.

The techniques suggested by PD authors are excellent ways to guide a child toward appropriate behavior while respecting their right to their own rational self-interest. One of the recommendations many PD proponents make to parents is "Assume Positive Intent." This means that the parent should err on the side of thinking that the child is trying to fulfill some positive need or desire of his own, rather than intentionally trying to do something undesirable to Mom (like drive her insane).

I like this advice because it makes me focus on the question: "What self-interest is he trying to fulfill?" Then I try to help the child find ways to satisfy that need in an appropriate way, which shows him that I'm respectful of his self-interest, and also models to him what the appropriate behavior is and why.

Example time!

In the previous post, I wrote about Ryan's need to sometimes spontaneously scream at the dinner table. Actually, he needs to do that all the time. Obviously, shouting loudly in the presence of others is inappropriate. An Old School (OS) discipline method might work, in that it gets the kid to hush. But a PD approach acknowledges that this shouting might be an actual need or desire for the kid. AND the other people in the family get to have the peace they desire.

So instead of saying, "Stop that shouting or you're going to be punished!" and then following through on the punishment, I might say "That shouting needs to stop. It hurts my ears and makes it hard for me to talk to everyone else. If you need to shout, then go do it outside or up in your room." With PD, I acknowledge the child's need to shout (his self-interest) and I also can talk to the child about what I want (my self-interest). I present him with a way that both of our needs can be fulfilled--he can do his shouting away from me. Many times, I will engage the kids in brainstorming plans in which everyone's needs are met (more on that in another post).

As an aside--I don't need to agree that the kid's self-interest is rational or even makes sense. I personally don't feel the need to shout randomly in large groups of people. However, I recognize that Ryan often needs to do that. It may not be rational--but here it's important that I remind myself that he is a child and not fully rational yet. And yes, I often need to remind myself of this fact! I also refrain from judging his desire, so I wouldn't say "It's ridiculous that you feel like shouting right now. What's wrong with you?" That would be damaging in many ways and have negative long-term consequences (again, a topic for another post). I do use the sentence, "I'm confused about why you want to do XYZ." I use that sentence a lot. Because sometimes these people do not make sense to me.

More Examples

• Child throws trucks or other inappropriate toys. Mom says: "You seem like you're in the mood for throwing things. Trucks aren't for throwing--something might get broken. Can you help me find a toy that is good for throwing?" And guides the child to the basket of soft balls.

• Child is writing her name on her grandmother's the wall. Mom says: "Crayons are for paper. Nonnie wants her walls to stay white. After you help me clean this up, you can use this paper to write on."

• Child is pulling the cat's tail. Mom says: "Stop! Pulling the cat's tail is ouchy for kitty! Let me show you how to give the kitty a gentle pat. If you pull her tail, she might bite and I don't want you OR the kitty to have an ouch."

In all of those examples, Mom acknowledges the kid's need/want and helps the kid identify someone else's need/want as a way to show why the action is undesirable. Then Mom offers another outlet for the kid's need/want. Rational. Self-Interest.

I can't even think of a counter-example. If I'm in PD-mode, then there's no way I can discipline without acknowledging someone's self-interest! There are better or different ways I can phrase what I'm trying to say, but somebody's self-interest is always part of what I say.

The examples above handle issues in which the child is being exposed to the self-interests of others, while having their right to their own interests acknowledged. But what about the other issue? Putting the rational in rational self-interest?

Part of using PD means that I let the child make his/her own decisions, and then stand aside and let the kid experience the consequences without my interference. This is also known in our house as "Mr. Reality Never Takes A Day Off."

Mostly, what this requires is that I do nothing. Or at most, offer a suggestion or opinion about what the consequence might be. Because my goal here is to not interfere with Mr. Reality. I've learned that if I do, then I'm more likely to be blamed for any adverse outcomes! What I do is try to decide whether it's terribly likely that any permanent or deep damage to life, limb, property or self-esteem is going to happen. If the answer is "no," then I'll let them go ahead. (Obviously, if the answer is "yes"--playing in traffic on roller skates with razor blades--then I'll put a stop to it--I reserve the right to substitute my better judgment in many situations. It's an obligation, actually!)

• Child builds a LEGO city and decides to walk on it. What I might do: I might say "It's likely that your city will get broken if you walk on it." Or I might not--depends . Next step--soothe sad child.

• Child wants to slide down carpeted stairs head first on her back. What I do: Assume semi-non-chalant facial expression, note location of phone in case 911 call is necessary, take deep breath.

• Child wants to pull up the flowers she's just planted. (The flowers belong to her.) What I do: Nothing.

Eventually, they will figure out not to do something if they experience something bad as a result. Or, maybe they didn't experience something negative. When Morgan is pulling up her flowers, she imagines she's checking on them, touches the roots, and replants them. There is something she is learning then, something she needs to know, and because I didn't interfere, she got to experience it.

That's all I have to say about PD and rational self-interest for now. I really like the PD technique, because when I'm parenting this way, I am very aware and reinforcing aspects of Objectivism, too.

Hmmm....I thought this post would be much shorter than the other one! If you've made it this far, I'd like to know what you think!

Also: Edited for typos and because I accidentally published this before I was ready. Hopefully your feed-reader picked up my alterations.

Phrase Of The Day

Ryan and Morgan are playing with Snap Circuits (fun activity!) and apparently, something wasn't quite working.

Says Ryan: "That's a shame in the butt!"

Indeed.

I triple-dog-dare you not to work this phrase into your everyday conversation.

• "It's a shame in the butt that I'm missing the new cover sheets for my TPS Reports!"

• "The grocery store no longer carries my favorite toothpaste. What a shame in the butt."

• "The fact that I've run out of diapers is a shame in the butt." (This is actually true--we HAVE run out of diapers.)

Exchange Of The Day

R: "Where are a clam's eyes and nose?

Me: "They don't have any." [Editor's Note: Uh, that's right, isn't it?]

R: "Then how do they know where they're going?"

Me: "They don't." [Editor's Note: Ibid.]

R: "Well then no wonder they get ate."

Life In These Here Parts

Some bullet points from the last several days:

• Sean has officially moved from the Cute Interested Observer stage of babyhood to the Adorable Self-Determining, Taking Control of his Own Destiny, Grabbing Everything, Rolling Everywhere, Freaking Out when Mom Leaves the Room or Something Falls Out of his Grip stage of babyhood. The double-edged sword of subsequent children is that I'm very aware of how busy my life is about to become, so that I can prepare for it, even as I dread it.

• King Tut was awesome. We had a WONDERFUL time with our friends. As one of my commenters experienced, Morgan was the least interested of the Big Kids who went, but really, she did very well over all. The baby took a nap in the stroller (hooray!). We enjoyed the IMAX movie, even Ryan, who was very concerned that it would be too loud--movies often cross over his noise threshhold, which is very low, sensitive guy that he is. For reasons unknown to me, he was scared of what he might see, even though I thought I had prepped him by looking at the website. Morgan spent the whole time lifting up her 3-D glasses, and lowering them, intrigued by the difference it made. We all enjoyed finding cartouches on the artifacts--we made kind of a game of it, actually. At the end, we all got cartouches from the Make Your Own Cartouche Dollar Machine (slide $1 in, type your name, get your cartouche).

• We completed 18 thank you notes for Christmas gifts. I cheated this year and had preprinted cards made up with a picture of the kids on the front. (They are very cute.) The Big Kids wrote their names in the cards, as a sign of their appreciation. Ryan wrote his name in hieroglyphics on some of them! I addressed the envelopes and Ryan and Morgan put on the stamps and the return address (I have one of those self-inking rubber stamps for that). Then we spent some time looking at a map of the US, figuring out where each card was going. That was fun, and edumacational, too.

• Watched some football--should be interesting next week, for sure!

• Put away most of the rest of the Christmas decorations. No, we're not quite done, but we're getting there. I hope.

• Played our new computer I Spy Game--I need to write a post about my love of I Spy things in general.

• Wrote a couple of posts on the blog. Didja notice? :o) Man, I'm wordy sometimes!

• Ordered Season 1 of Mad Men for our next TV series. We're watching Family Guy currently.

What's up with you?

Delurking Day

Evidently, today is National Delurking Day, a day for blog readers to emerge from Lurkdom, look for their shadows, and predict how many more weeks of winter we're facing. Actually, you're supposed to leave a comment, especially if you've never done so before.

So I invite you all to do so, leave me a comment and say hello (winter weather predictions are optional), and I'll make an attempt to comment on many of the blogs I read, too. Even though I follow so many blogs it will be impossible for me to get every one. Why, it'd take all day! Hmmm....sounds like an excellent reason to avoid Mt. Laundry! (As if I needed an excellent reason.)

Via ODonnellWeb (comment duly left)

On Positive Discipline

Recently, I've engaged in some interesting parenting discussion over at Principled Parent and The Little Things. I'm always thinking about our parenting choices and it interests me to read about how others are handling similar issues. In trying to explain some of the methods we use around here, it occurred to me that maybe I ought to just write a post about it.

We use Positive Discipline (PD). For a brief introduction by a PD author, Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., click here. PD encompasses so many aspects of parenting, that I find it difficult to know where to even begin writing about it. It's like trying to explain Objectivism to someone who has never heard of it--where to start? (I know Ayn Rand explained it while standing on one foot, but I'm not that smart.) So I'll do my best to explain some of the general ideas and try not to get off topic too much.

Before I start, I must tell you that I'll do my best to cite works and authors and books, but that I've been reading and thinking about this for so long that I'm afraid that it might be almost impossible for me to remember just where I picked up a specific idea. But I didn't make this all up myself--I read lots and lots of books and websites and was an active reader of a Yahoo group on the subject for a couple of years. The integrations and applications are mine, though, developed in conjunction with my husband, Brendan, and my friend Kelly, who I almost consider my other "co-parent" (since we share the same principles and spend much time together). In another post, I'll put together a bibliography if there's any interest.

In a nutshell, PD is a way of raising children without punishments or rewards. Now you might read that sentence and think that that equates to Zero Discipline, which is really not true. So bear with me, lest you think my children are completely spoiled little dictators--they are not.

From Nelsen's Positive Discipline website (emphasis added for ease-of-reading purposes):

The tools and concepts of Positive Discipline include:

• Mutual respect. Adults model firmness by respecting themselves and the needs of the situation, and kindness by respecting the needs of the child.

• Identifying the belief behind the behavior. Effective discipline recognizes the reasons kids do what they do and works to change those beliefs, rather than merely attempting to change behavior.

• Effective communication and problem solving skills.

• Discipline that teaches (and is neither permissive nor punitive).

• Focusing on solutions instead of punishment.

• Encouragement (instead of praise). Encouragement notices effort and improvement, not just success, and builds long-term self-esteem and empowerment..

Positive Discipline techniques reinforce the principles I hold as an Objectivist and the goals I have as a parent. As opposed to a top-down parent-child relationship where Mom and Dad are handing out punishments for misbehaviors, PD encourages parents to work with the child to help him figure out what went wrong, how to fix it, why it's important to do the right thing, and helps the child succeed in the future. This thinking process is really good practice for children who will, after all, be expected to behave in certain ways once they reach adulthood. Filling a child's "mental toolbox" (a PD term) with techniques and experience in problem-solving and handling the consequences (good and bad) of his decisions helps prepare a child for adulthood in a different, and I think, stronger way than a more classic "If you do something wrong, you'll be punished" paradigm will.

Guide Vs. Control

I don't think punishment--as in Child does XYZ Bad Behavior and then I as the parent must then do something to the child in order to make them either understand that the behavior was bad or feel bad about doing it, such as sit in Time-Out or be grounded or hit or screamed at or shamed--is necessary.

I want to guide my children toward full rationality and the virtues I prize, rather than control them into it. I look at punishment as a way to try to control the child's behavior rather than teach the child what's expected. Obedience--the end result of being well-controlled--is not a virtue. I don't want my kids to know how to obey me. I want them to be Independent, Productive, Honest, be Just and Moral, have Self-Control and Integrity. And this entails Rationality, which cannot be present without volition, choice.

Kids need practice at making good decisions. (Actually, many adults I know could use a refresher course, too.) They're going to make good ones and bad ones. And they're not fully rational either [insert obvious joke about adults here]. But I think that PD respects a child's nascent rationality, and in fact, bolsters it--by allowing them to practice and make mistakes without punishment.

When Brendan makes a mistake, I don't punish him by making him sit in Time-Out. Once, I accidentally dropped his computer and it broke. I didn't go to the Naughty Chair--I got the computer fixed. PD is more in line with how adults treat each other, while making allowances for the immature brains and less experience that children have.

I think some examples are in order, to help demonstrate what we do and how it's different from punishing. You'll note that in some examples, what happens in the PD scenario and the Old School scenario (called "Old School" for no other reason than because it's how I was raised) is often very similar. But the differences, while they may be subtle, are important, especially because we are trying to give the child as much input and control as possible.

Misbehavior: Screaming at the dinner table (a popular one around here)

OS scenario: Parent says, "No screaming at the dinner table. That's too loud and we're trying to talk. If you do it again, you're going to Time Out." Kid screams again. Parent puts kid in TO (according to some predetermined formula, usually something like 1 minute per year of age.) May take several rounds of screaming/TO before behavior improves.

OS result: Behavior Stops. Kid eventually learns that screaming isn't acceptable.

PD scenario: Parent says, "No screaming at the dinner table. That's too loud and we're trying to talk. You can stay at the table as long as you can be quiet. If you need to scream, go outside or up to your room." Kid screams at dinner table again. "You want to scream. Are you going outside or up to your room?" Kid screams or argues some more. Parent escorts child to his room and says, "Please come back to the dinner table when you're ready to be quiet." May take several rounds of this.

PD result: Behavior Stops. Kid eventually learns that screaming isn't acceptable and learns to do screaming elsewhere.

The Difference:

In the PD scenario, the child has decisions to make (to scream or not to scream, to go to his room or outside), and his decisions are respected (for good or bad). If he keeps screaming, then he's showing you that's his decision. But he must respect the rights of the others at the table to have a scream-free dinner, so his screaming must be done elsewhere.

He is also given as much time as he needs to decide to comply with the dinner table rules--there is no arbitrary timeline set by Mom. The decision to comply (or not) is his and his alone, and he also gets to decide how long it takes (sometimes it might take 10 seconds, if he's really hungry; sometimes, 20 minutes or longer). He is learning self-control and learning that decisions have consequences--screaming might be fun, but it might not be as fun if you're all alone in your room. He is learning that the others in the family have needs and wants that must be respected and that he is expected to respect them. And he is learning that if he can't respect them, then Mom will help him do what's necessary (leave the table).

In the OS scenario, I'm not sure what the child learns, since we don't use it. My own experience with TO taught me that A) I'm bad because they sent me away, or B) I resent Mom because she did this to me, or C) I'm going to be sneaky next time so I won't get caught. Obviously 'C' doesn't quite apply to the screaming at the table thing, but that is something I thought. I'd be interested in what parents who use TO as a discipline tool think about this--I honestly don't know what the child is supposed to be thinking.

Misbehavior: Splashing water out of the tub

OS Scenario: Mom reminds kid of the rules--no splashing water out of the tub, possibly explaining the reason. Splashing continues. Bathtime is over and kid is punished (I don't mean to pick on Time-Outs only, but I know that's a popular discipline method--there are other ways to punish, of course). Maybe the child will help clean up the water.

OS Result: Bathtime is over and enough repeat scenarios will teach the child that he will be punished for splashing water out of the tub.

PD Scenario: Mom reminds kid of the rules--no splashing water out of the tub. Mom will always explain the reason for this. Splashing continues. Bathtime is over.

PD Result: Bathtime is over and the child is expected to clean up the mess (with help, depending on how old of course).

The Difference:

There's not much difference here--except there is no punishment imposed on the child. The consequence of making a mess is not getting to have a long (or deep) bath. And having to clean up the mess. The child is taking responsibility for his decisions and he will learn to keep water in the tub (or take a shower), even without the extra step of parental-imposed punishment. The same lesson, for less effort on my part--yay!

One more example, this one from real life.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about how Ryan and one of his friends were throwing rocks around and broke the windshield of a neighbor's car. Here's what we did, the PD way:

• We acknowledged that what happened was unintentional.
• We were firm in communicating to them that even though it was unintentional, it was still their responsibility to fix the problem.
• We took them to the neighbor's house to tell him what happened, apologize, and offer to fix the windshield.
• When the neighbor gave us his bill, we had Ryan pay a reasonable (according to his income) portion of our half (his friend's parents paid the other half).
• We took both boys, with cash in their hands, over to the neighbor's house and had the boys hand them the money.

We did not punish Ryan. If I had done something like this when I was a child, I can 100% guarantee that I would have been either hit, grounded, and/or screamed at. My parents would have made me pay for the damage and talk to the neighbors, but there would have been Adult Imposed Punishment designed to make me feel bad or "think" about what I did or something along those lines.

We never hit our children, but neither did we scream at him or ground him or otherwise try to make him feel guilty about what happened. And you know what? It wasn't necessary to punish him. He knew what he did was wrong and felt bad about it already. He didn't need us making him feel worse about it. He didn't know how to fix the problem, though, and THAT'S what he needed help with. He needed to know that people are responsible for their actions, even when it's an accident. He needed to know that Mr. Neighbor shouldn't have to pay for the damage, that he and his friend--the responsible parties--did. He needed help paying for the damage. He needed me there while he owned up to his responsibility. He needed to know what the next steps were.

That's what he needed, and that's what we did. We guided him through the process, allowing him to be as independent as possible, not making his guilt any worse. No additional punishment necessary. What if he hadn't shown remorse? We would have handled it the same way, perhaps expressing our disappointment that he didn't have remorse. But still--no punishment. Punishing him would not have put remorse into his head, would not have made him feel guilty. Only mad that he was being punished, I think, and probably much less likely to have owned up to it the next time. Yes. VERY much less likely to come to us with a similar problem.

I know this is a super long post, and if you've made it this far, I hope I've done an okay job of explaining a little bit about how PD works. In a future post, I'll write about why I think PD is an excellent "fit" with Objectivism. I really want to write lots and lots more about PD and Objectivism and have many (shorter!) posts planned on the subject. I think what I might do is write a bit more about some of our discipline issues and how we handled them. I definitely understood PD more once I began reading real-life examples.

So. What say you? I'm interested in constructive feedback and questions. Thoughts?

I Am Not An Attention-Seeking Psycho

I haven't written about peanut allergy too much lately, but we're still living the dream--making sure we have Epi-pens (and Ryan is stepping up and taking more responsibility in this area), calling restaurants to inquire about their menu and food prep procedures, talking to waitstaff, reading labels, learning that another PA kid in one of Ryan's classes had a contact reaction and wondering how we got so lucky.

I probably talk to someone new about the food allergy thing at least once a week. Often, someone will note Ryan's bracelet, or we'll be in line at the grocery store and one of us will mention peanuts somehow, or a friend will put me in touch with another parent who is struggling with it.

Living with Ryan's allergy is very integrated into our family life--it's never far from my mind, especially when we're out and about--but it is not the sole focus of our family life.

So here I am, writing about peanut allergy on This Old Blog, effectively shouting, "LOOK AT ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I'M SO PITIFUL THAT I'M USING MY KID AS A WAY TO GET YOU TO LOOK OVER HERE AND PROVIDE ME WITH A FALSE SENSE OF MY OWN IMPORTANCE!"

Not really, of course. :o) But that's what this guy thinks. Apparently, I'm caught up in some kind of "mass hysteria." I'm a Yuppie, who lives in a "rich, lefty community." Yup, he's got me pegged, all right.

Okay. I get that he thinks he's trying to be funny. But he's really not (although I did manage a chuckle about how fishsticks are gross).

He even interviewed an actual doctor who said: "It's anxiety-producing to imagine that having a snack in kindergarten could be deadly."

Truer words were never spoken, even though that remark was included in a paragraph meant to depict parents as unnecessarily terrorizing their poor innocent children. It is not a fun way to live. We'd all be lots happier without this allergy.

Maybe the reason I don't feel like joking about it is that just last night, Ryan uttered words that sent ice through my veins. We were riding home after eating in a restaurant that's not one of our "normal" restaurants--although we've eaten there successfully before, and had a really great conversation about the allergy with our waitress, who has a little boy with PA and really knew the drill. We had had a nice time with our friends and were heading home when Ryan said,

Mom, Dad. I'm itchy all over. Everywhere in my body.

First, so you don't worry--everything was FINE. Not a hive on him, nary a cough--he has incredibly dry skin because he puts up such a stink about lotion and he was just itchy. And you know how, once you start thinking about an itch, other itches start popping up all over? It was one of those kind of things.

Well, when we heard those words . . . I can't really describe my feelings. "Mass hysteria" naturally took over our brains and we tried to find someone to feel sorry for us. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.)

We were on the highway (of course) and Brendan quickly flipped the lights on in the back of the van. I tried to see as best I could from the passenger seat and he looked fine. We asked him all the questions: "Does your throat itch? Does your tongue feel hot? Is it hard to breathe?" Brendan pulled off at the next exit, we pulled over, put the hazards on and I flew back there with Epis in hand. We inspected and interrogated him for a good 5 minutes, decided it was the dry skin thing, and I rode in the back with him for the rest of the way home.

So, I guess that's it--it's not funny at all to know that your kid could die on the way home from a restaurant. Unless I'm actually a freak who is enjoying all of this attention, in which case it's obviously super great fun to ride this wave of Mass Hysteria to Spotlight Island, just to add a little spice to my boring life.

I know these types of articles are written all the time (I've got my Google Search set to "peanut allergy") and usually I choose to ignore the foolishness. But every once in a while, it all really irks me. What an idiot. Sigh.

And now I can go on with our family life in a constructive way, having got that out of my system. Maybe someone who thinks they agree with this guy will see this post and rethink their position on the matter. It's the best I can do for now. Thanks for listening.

Via Louise on the Left (who runs a Facebook group I'm a member of)

Another Carnival And A Pharoah

Don't forget to check out the latest edition of the Living with Food Allergies blog carnival at The Allergic Kid!

And and and!!!!! We're going to see the King Tut exhibit tomorrow! I'm so pumped. Ryan thinks it's mean that Egypt wouldn't release the body, though. I dunno. I suspect he'll be interested in the rest of the artifacts and MIGHT forget to be sad about the whole No Mummy thing. I'll let you know.

And, because it's been going through my head all day, go here for your Steve Martin/King Tut fix. You'll be glad you did!

Objectivist Round Up #78

Welcome to the January 8, 2009 edition of the Objectivist Round Up! We are pleased to bring you the best posts by blog authors who are animated by Objectivism, the philosophy of Ayn Rand. Normally, the carnival host will quote Ayn Rand here in this space, from the Appendix of Atlas Shrugged. In fact, I'll do it right now:

My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute.

But I thought including a different quotation from Ayn Rand from time to time might make for a nice change of pace. So here's a good one, chosen for no other reason than that I've been contemplating the idea "sense of life" lately, found on the Ayn Rand Lexicon website:

A culture, like an individual, has a sense of life or, rather, the equivalent of a sense of life—an emotional atmosphere created by its dominant philosophy, by its view of man and of existence. This emotional atmosphere represents a culture’s dominant values and serves as the leitmotif of a given age, setting its trends and its style.

Thus Western civilization had an Age of Reason and an Age of Enlightenment. In those periods, the quest for reason and enlightenment was the dominant intellectual drive and created a corresponding emotional atmosphere that fostered these values.

From “The Age of Envy,” Return of the Primitive: The Anti-Industrial Revolution, 130.

And now for the rest of the carnival! Enjoy!

A. Chambers presents Condemned By Democracy posted at The Undercurrent, saying, "Democracy is often thought to be the solution to everything from totalitarian Islam to Africa's kleptocracies. A. Chambers examines why democracy is just as much a problem as these systems, and why constitutional protection of individual rights is the only solution."

Noah Stahl presents Blank-and-effect – The economics of pragmatism posted at The Undercurrent, saying, "Noah Stahl shows how policymakers treat people like clay to be shaped instead of focusing on the proper work of the government: protecting individual rights."

Guy Barnett presents Give Peace a Chance? posted at The Undercurrent, saying, "Doesn't everyone want peace? Can't we just put aside our differences and live harmoniously together? Find out the answer in this compelling blog post."

Guy Barnett presents Girls Gone Mild posted at The Undercurrent Blog, saying, "Virginity is all the rage these days. This is partly because many people believe that the alternative to chastity is promiscuity. "Girls Gone Mild" analyzes this common false-alternative."

Paul McKeever presents Paul McKeever’s Minimal Maxims and Bon Arrows, volume 1, issue 2 : Paul McKeever posted at Paul McKeever, saying, "this is my second issue of Minimal Maxims and Bon Arrows, made possible by the immense wealth I earned from the first issue ;-)"

Doug presents How Hamas Brainwashes Children posted at The Rule of Reason.

Monica presents Subsidies for Billionaires -- and Congresspeople Too! posted at FA-RM, saying, "This week I dissected the Farm Bill crop subsidy programs. You'll be outraged at the way your money is being spent, especially considering that this only represent 1/3 of Farm Bill spending."

Ari Armstrong presents Sirota and the New Deal posted at FreeColorado.com, saying, "David Sirota sings praises to FDR, but he ignores the substantive criticisms of the New Deal."

Flibbert presents The No Spending Money Challenge posted at Flibbertigibbet, saying, "My primary resolution for 2009 is to focus on my financial health and the first goal I have is to pay off my credit cards. To achieve this goal, I am trying not to spend any money from my pay check on food or entertainment or even laundry! This post is the first in the series. See how I make, save, and spend money in order to reach my goal!"

Paul Hsieh presents Hsieh OpEd in Christian Science Monitor posted at NoodleFood, saying, "My first nation-level OpEd was published this week in the Christian Science Monitor! The subject was how universal health care will create a "nanny state on steroids"."

Roberto Sarrionandia presents Fur for Freedom posted at Tito's Blog.

Kendall J presents Goals for 2009 posted at The Crucible & Column, saying, "Some discussion on the meaning of goals, and my own goals for 2009."

Gus Van Horn presents Fascism Comes to Media posted at Gus Van Horn, saying, "Government 'bailouts' are already threatening freedom of speech."

Michael Labeit presents On Celebrating 50 Years of Marxist Misery posted at Philosophical Mortician, saying, "Learn why Castro/socialists & Co can't tell their faces from their behinds."

Tom Stelene presents D'Souza's Absentee Answer posted at The Imaginary Philosophy, saying, "Dinesh D'Souza's admission of being baffled by a debating opponent caught my interest by making me admire his intellectual honesty and determination to find an answer eventually, even if I would disagree with him. As it turned out, however, D'Souza would have been better off not attempting to answer his opponent, whose position he probably helped."

C. August presents Great Depression II and/or Civil War II? posted at Titanic Deck Chairs, saying, "An economist compares the lead up to the Great Depression with what's happening in the country now, and a Russian professor has mad dreams of the US splitting into six pieces."

That concludes this week's edition. Next week's edition will be found at Titanic Deck Chairs. Submit your blog article to the next edition of the Objectivist Round Up using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

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