Another One About The Tea Party

The Atlanta Tea Party yesterday was my first ever protest! No, really! It was a very interesting experience, especially given the rain and the fact that we had all of The People with us. I'm glad we did it.

We arrived a little bit after the starting time and the speakers were already going. If I understand correctly, in addition to the protest organizers, several State lawmakers spoke as well. We ended up on the outside of the main crowd, due to our late arrival, which made it somewhat challenging to hear the speakers. The noise around us, the traffic, and having to keep the kids close to us also served as distractions from the speeches. I did hear someone talking about "Greed" in a very Gordon Gecko kind of sense, and I wish I had heard more of that.

Our position along the sidewalk actually worked out much better for us, since we were all right along the road, and were able to talk to drivers who slowed down to hand us teabags and take our pictures. As far as I know, there were about 5 or 6 requests from people to take our pictures, but only the one picture has surfaced on the internet. If any more show up, I'll be sure to post them. Let me know if you find any, too! (I have yet to go all the way through this enormous album of pics.)

The rain made things miserable, though. I wish our weather had been better--I had been looking forward to chatting with people a bit, maybe meeting some of the organizers. As it was, we pretty much had to stand in our little patch of sidewalk. Actually, now that I think about it, if the weather had been nicer, it might have been more challenging to keep the kids close to us. The poor things just huddled next to us, holding the signs I had made the night before.

In addition to the signs that made us famous the children held up, we had other signs that said:

"Don't Stimulate: LIBERATE!"
"Perdue: Say NO to $TIMULU$"
"The answer to 1984 is 1776."

And maybe a couple more--we ended up not using them all. We might have switched them out a bit if we had had nicer weather. Have I mentioned our yucky rainy weather enough? :o) Our governor has indicated that he is considering declining at least some of the stimulus money for Georgia, so I think our signs directed at him (Perdue) were especially important.

The mood of the crowd--somewhere around 400 in number--was very energetic and benevolent. There were lots of great signs--funny, clever, pithy. And we counted at least four signs besides ours that referenced Atlas Shrugged or Ayn Rand. And that is a Good Thing!

We left a bit before it ended because of that climate-related thing I'm not mentioning again, and had a fun train ride adventure back to suburbia, including being accused of child abuse (wet children) by a crazy guy who could see the spirit (and he looked as if he possibly could), the baby and me getting briefly stuck in the MARTA elevator with three very nice, very clueless, and very pro-Jehovah people, and all of the ensuing logistical maneuverings that inevitably accompany any outing that involves 4 children, 4 adults, 1 stroller and (N - 1 Zillion) Snacks, where N = The Amount of Snacks Necessary to Satisfy Tired, Wet, Hungry Children.

Then we came back here and had the rest of our Fun Friend Friday! It was a fun day, and I'm glad we did it, and I plan to be out next time if there is one. I have no idea how to measure the impact of such efforts on what is going to happen at the State level; it's only one kind of activism. I'm going to write all of my State and Federal legislators and tell them that I went and why, just to make my point. I encourage anyone reading this to do the same, even if you couldn't make it to a rally.

Still, a very successful first protest for me!

Just One Quick Post About The Tea Party

I'll write more tomorrow: in short, it was fun, and very, very wet.

Michelle Malkin wrote many posts about the protests today, one entitled, "When I Grow Up I Want to be Free." In this post, she quotes a piece from a reporter for the Christian Science Monitor who writes:

Some kids at the Atlanta protest wore tri-cornered hats, and one held a sign that said, “When I grow up I want to be free.”

THOSE WERE MY KIDS AND MY FRIEND'S KID AND MORGAN WAS THE GIRL HOLDING THAT SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!

Click here for a picture of our soaking wet kids!

Awesomeness. Brilliant. Amazing. :o)

Good And Funny

The Good

• Finishing up my big old parenting post.
• Taking the kids to the craft store and finding Morgan's birthday cake pan (Scooby Doo Eating a Hamburger--I kid you not.)
• Making wine-induced Stimulus Protest signs with Brendan! Look for us on the news tomorrow!

The Funny

• Morgan: "Put the feathers on my butt, and then I can FLY!" shrieked with all of the girlish glee you can possibly imagine.
• Me: "Do not color your vagina with markers." NEVER thought I'd say something like THAT!

Big day tomorrow--lots of pictures and stories and possibly tweets (never know how that will go with all of the kids). Also, forecast is for RAIN. Fun, fun, fun!

THIS JUST IN From the Atlanta Tea Party Committee:

P.S. If you cannot attend, but want to express your thoughts and feelings on the porkulus factory in Washington, please call the Atlanta Tea Party Call In Line at (404) 963-9072. We will make sure your voice is heard!

I know there are a few my blog readers who can't make it--be sure to call in tomorrow! Good night!

Emotions

From the three-year-old screaming in anger because she was denied her chance to play with the latest video game, to the six-year-old shouting "Woohoo!" at an earsplitting decibel level because he just found that special rock that had gone missing from his collection, to the baby who freaks out every time Mom moves more than three feet away: little kid emotions are anything but little.

And I don't know for sure, but I suspect, that the emotions continue to be big as the kids get older. :o)

One of the greatest benefits I've gained from all of my research into positive discipline is learning some excellent techniques for helping my kids identify and handle their emotions. And even better: I have improved at identifying and handling my own emotions, too.

Everyone has heard of "The Terrible Twos," that developmental stage where a child's Big Emotions emerge in Big Ways and can often be overwhelming for everyone to deal with. As I was contemplating mommyhood, I was very nervous at the thought that I would one day be faced with such a creature, since it was often so difficult for me to handle some of my own big feelings.

And it has been difficult at times. It's really hard to remain calm and collected when someone is freaking out in your face. Or when multiple someones are ganging up on you to make you lose your mind having diametrically opposed issues (that is, the only way to satisfy one person is to disappoint the other). Or when you needed to leave the house 15 minutes ago. Or when you happen to be caught up in your own strong emotions.

I can honestly report that I'm getting better all the time. :o)


Call A Spade A Spade

When the kids were very small, we told them the names of the emotions they were experiencing. This may sound like a "well, duh" kind of thing to do, but I am amazed at how often I have encountered parents who have not done this. Identifying the emotion is the natural first step to belong a child understand and control his emotions.

When someone seems upset, I take a stab at what they might be thinking and say something like: "You seem mad." I learned early on that I would be corrected if my guess was even slightly off.

• "It's frustrating when you can't break apart those LEGOs."
• "You're sad because you can't find your special leaf." (True story.)
• "Wow, you must be so proud of yourself!"

Even with the baby, who as far as I can tell only understands the words milk, kitty, Daddy, and possibly his own name, I am naming his emotions for him. Because one day he will understand what I'm saying and feel the need to correct me.


Listen Actively

Back when I used to have a Real Job (ha ha!), I managed people for a living. (Hmmm....that's actually a lot like my job these days.) I went to a few classes to learn about how to manage people and one thing I found really useful was something called "Active Listening." Oh hey, look! There's a website!

One of the techniques for active listening is to "reflect" or paraphrase what you're hearing in order to empathize and make sure you're understanding everything correctly. Sometimes, it's enough to just know that someone cares adn understands, you know?

Many of the PD books offer the same advice when dealing with kids. I find this works well in combination with the Naming the Emotions ideas, too. Some examples:

• "You seem so sad. You didn't like it when she pushed you."
  
• "I know, it's hard to wait for your turn."
• "What happy news! You completed your project!"

Ayn Rand noted that emotions are not tools of cognition. In the essay "Philosophical Detective," from Philosophy: Who Needs It, she writes (emphasis added):

An emotion as such tells you nothing about reality, beyond the fact that something makes you feel something.

Active listening--naming the emotion plus reflecting what's happening--is so useful in the moment, because it helps the child connect the big emotion he is experiencing with something in reality. It helps him begin to understand that emotions are not causeless and random; that emotions give a person clues to what is going on inside his own mind and in reality.

When the emotions are strong and overwhelming (as in Meltdown, Fit, Tantrum, Knock Down Drag Out, Spazz, what have you) and the child is out of control, it can be very scary for her. Helping her identify what she's feeling, and why she is feeling it, is an essential part of comforting her. Eventually, she'll be able to do those things for herself and say things to you like:

"ARRRGGGHHH! I'm so frustrated because I can't open the lid to the Ovaltine and BBBLLLEAEAARRRGG!" (Also a true story.)

And while such a statement might begin and end with a scream, it's the middle part that will (hopefully) stick in her maturing brain. By the time she's an adult, she'll maybe be able to just go with the middle part!


Be An Example

Kids are benevolent little parent-stalkers; they are watching your every move so that they can learn how grownups behave. They're trying to figure it all out because they are working so hard to become grownups themselves, so they observe--and imitate. [Insert "Memorable Evil Laugh" here.]

In this area of emotions, being a good example for my kids has been a challenge for me. I never learned good ways to manage my own frustrations and anger. I knew this about myself going in, but it wasn't until I read some great books about how to better communicate with kids that I finally learned some techniques for just how to improve.

These days, I say things like:

"Having my pathway blocked with toys makes me feel frustrated and worried that I might trip and fall!"

Instead of:

"Arrrgghhh! Get these toys out of my way!"

The first way is better because it models the way I'd like my kids to speak; it identifies my emotions accurately (as opposed to appearing as if I'm inexplicably MAD); and it connects the feelings I'm having with something in reality, offering an explanation about why. Again--identify the emotion(s) and the Something in reality that is triggering the emotion.


Know Thy Temperament

I found the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka to be so helpful in understanding my kids' temperaments, and my own, too. My friend Kelly suggested this book to me and it has become one of my go-to resources when I'm trying to understand something related to temperament issues. Another resource I refer to often is The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron, because both Ryan and I are off-the-charts sensitive types. Sensitive in this case is used in the sense of highly observant and HS people tend to be prone to being overwhelmed by external stimuli.

Each of my kids have different personality traits, even though they all came from the same place, which is so interesting to me. Some of those traits were present from birth, although it's easier to identify in hindsight than at the time.

Ryan, as I mentioned, is extremely sensitive and not terribly persistent. Morgan is extremely persistent and incredibly focused on her own inner world. It's still a bit early to tell, but if I had to make some generalizations about Sean's personality, it would be that he's somewhere between Ryan and Morgan on the sensitivity scale, and that he tends toward Big Passionate Feelings with extreme ups and downs (which blows over quickly, thankfully). Ryan is just like me--it's really kind of eerie. Morgan is even more eerily like her father, if you can believe.

Each kid handles emotions differently, and it seems very temperament-driven. When Ryan gets angry, he quickly and easily becomes overwhelmed and needs quite a bit of help calming down. The technique that has worked really well for him has been the Deep Breath Technique. We count "1...2...3..." and then he takes a deep breath. This must often be repeated over and over for minutes at a time. As he's matured, he can identify when he needs a Deep Breath, and can usually just do it himself.

When Morgan feels incredibly angry or sad, she needs to run and hide. If you try to intrude on her space during this hibernation period, she freaks out and you have to start all over again. So I let her curl into a ball in a corner somewhere, and just check on her occasionally until she is calm and ready to talk.

Our friend Livy needs a physical outlet for her big emotions. Once, when throwing a tantrum at my house, she moved from room to room, kicking and flailing her arms, using big motions. I let her have space to do this, but I did ask her to move away from the baby when she was getting a bit too close.

Help the child understand his personality. I don't how old a child must be before he is able to introspect in the same way an adult can, but there are ways a parent can help a child understand aspects of his temperament and encourage introspection. I have said such things as:

• "You need space when you're feeling sad. I'll give you some space now."
• "That sad kind of music makes you feel sad--you're noticing the feelings the composer put into the music."
• "When you have a problem, you never give up--that's persistence."
• "You always like to do things for yourself. You like being independent."
• "When you're mad, you like to kick until all of the mads are all kicked out."

Helping the child introspect and understand his personality can help him figure out when his feelings and reality don't match. It's really good practice, being able to identify any errors that might have been made.

A parent often has to tailor their words, responses, and actions to each child's unique personality. I this is especially true when helping them deal with their emotions.


Don't Be Negative

I don't know if this was intentional on my parents' part or not, but somehow I came out of my childhood thinking that Anger is a Bad Thing. It has taken me, oh, until a couple of years ago to truly understand that Anger is a very useful emotion. It tells you: "Hey! There's some kind of injustice here! Figure out what it is and fix it!" Only in a very strong hard-to-ignore kind of way.

For a kid, the most difficult emotions to handle are the so-called "negative" emotions: anger, sadness, frustration. For a parent, those are the hardest ones for me to help my kids handle, too.

My focus has been on helping them understand that these emotions tell you "Something's wrong!" (A more accurate way to view the "negative" part of these negative emotions, I think). However, I try not to convey the impression that I think the emotions themselves are wrong somehow.

One way to do that is to allow the kids to experience the emotions. So many times--and I've caught myself doing this, too--I see parents wanting to fix the problem or distract the child away from the emotion, before the child is ready. And I understand the temptation--those emotions sure are LOUD and you want them to stop already!

Don't get me wrong--sometimes distraction is the thing that's needed. There certainly is a fine line between expressing your emotion and wallowing in it--especially for a kid like Ryan. But I also think that many times, simply holding a crying child and saying "I know, I know" while they work through their emotions can be extremely beneficial. (Is this a sensitive personality thing? I really don't know.) If every sad or mad emotion is met with a "Oh, you're fine! Look, a shiny new toy!" it can confuse the child, make him think that there is something wrong with feeling or expressing certain emotions, or even encourage him to hold those emotions in.

So it takes some thinking about and trial-and-error. Our general procedure is this:

• Identifying the emotion, with reassurance that it's valid to be feeling that way: "It's okay to be mad/sad. That tells you something is wrong."
• Letting them know that I'm here to help them solve the problem as soon as they are ready: "When you're done feeling mad, we can solve the problem."
• Helping them find an appropriate outlet for those big strong feelings (a punching pillow, or a hidey-hole).
• Once everyone is calm, work on solving the problem.

Another way to avoid inadvertently giving the child the wrong impression that Anger or Sadness is "bad" is to stay with the child while he's experiencing those emotions. When one of my kids is throwing a temper tantrum, as much as I want the noise to stop, or as overwhelmed by the noise I might personally be, I do not banish them from the room until they can get back in control.

Instead, I might say "You're screaming is so loud that others can't talk. Let's go up to your room and I will help you calm down." And then we go through the Deep Breath Ritual (with Ryan). With Morgan, she will usually run and hide, but sometimes needs help regaining control--with her, I have to really play it by ear. I might also say "You're out of control and I know you don't like that feeling. I'm here to help you."

If they are expressing their anger in inappropriate ways, such as throwing toys or hitting at people, I might say "You're mad. It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to throw toys at me. I'm going to put these toys up until you are calm. Would you like to punch this pillow instead?"

There are times when I've not been physically with my tantrumming child, but those instances are the exception rather than the norm. Sometimes when I am becoming overwhelmed by all of the screaming, or need some space to give the matter some rational thought, or when the kid just couldn't stop hitting, I've stepped away from the situation. It's one of my last-resort coping mechanisms. Usually it doesn't come to that, thankfully.


Honesty

I have one final thought. I encourage my kids to be completely honest about what they are feeling, even when that Huge Feeling of Injustice is directed right at me. Therefore my kids are free to say "I'm mad at you!" and "I HATE it when I have to pick up my toys!" or even "When you yell at me, that's mean!"

Any one of those heated declarations would have gotten me into big trouble as a child. But I think it's okay for them to be able to tell me how they're feeling--happy or sad. And you know, they are often justified.

There's a big difference, of course, between saying "I hate picking up my toys!" and "I hate you!" I haven't had the second statement directed at me very often (but remember, my kids are not yet teenagers), but when that line between "expressing your emotions" and "saying hurtful things because you are mad" gets crossed, it's important to redirect them back to what they are feeling.

One way to do this is to say "It hurts my feelings when you say that you hate me. Try saying 'I don't like it when you do that' instead." Or "You're mad at me--it's okay to be mad at me. It's not okay to call me names. Why don't you try telling me WHY you're mad?" It's very similar to how we handle inappropriate behaviors like hitting, actually, except saying hurtful things falls into the realm of words instead of actions.


There are so many other facets of dealing with emotions, of course. Are there any other areas I should write about, books I should be aware of, things I've missed here? But I think many of the techniques we use will help our kids use their emotions instead of being used by them.

Objectivist Round Up!

Head on over to Making Progress for this week's Objectivst Round Up!

Good

About today:

1. Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc for $12.79 a bottle (found last night at the wine store!)
2. Letting go of a self-imposed limit in exchange for a higher value
3. Making great progress on my parenting post
4. Belly-laughing with my kids

Ah, The Sweet Taste Of Liber-TEA

Atlanta’s Nationwide Chicago Tea Party

Friday, February 27, 2009

12:00 noon

State Capitol

Dress in patriotic attire and bring signs, cameras, and camcorders with you! Also, please don't forget your tea bags and/or tea leaves!

The tea party will be held simultaneously in Chicago, Washington DC, Atlanta, and dozens of locations around the US, and on Twitter, using the #teaparty hashtag.

For more information, please go to http://www.nationwidechicagoteaparty.com/.

Will we see you there? We're going to make it a big adventure for the whole family!

Wardrobe Wednesday

There is a parenting post in the works, but it's not ready for prime time yet. Looking at my schedule today, it may not happen in time for the Objectivist Round Up (get your posts in by 11pm tonight!).

Writing posts of substance, while interesting and satisfying, always takes longer to do than I think it will, and also takes more effort than I realize at the time. And my peanut allergy post took some of that writing mojo from me this week. I do enjoy writing the more substantial posts, and I'm seeing the benefits--clearer thinking for myself and more hits to the blog to boot! (thank you!)

Never one to give up a chance to avoid laundry or other responsible-adult activities I do have time to share a picture with you for Wardrobe Wednesday, the new blogging phenomenon that's been sweeping the nation! I've seen so many interesting photos turn up on several blogs I personally follow and decided that my kids' sense of style could lend an air of "Hmmm..." (or at least a smile) to WW.

So I offer you a blast from the past: Ryan, dressed as a knight (the book he's holding in his hand is a book about King Arthur) in November 2007


And with that, I've got to go get everyone ready for the rest of our morning!

Quote Of The Day

Very nice one from Sam Adams:

“It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds."

Doesn't that inspire you to activism? I'm ready to set some minds on fire! (Just as soon as I feed the kids . . . .)

LinkFest

There's an exciting new blog carnival starting up: the Academy of Science and Technology! This carnival, brought to you by Kim of Kim's Play Place, focuses on teaching science and math concepts to kids. Being fairly math-y (but non-science-y) myself, as well as a homeschooling parent to at least one super science-y kid, I'm very eager to read what blog authors have to say. Who knows, I might even get up the nerve to send something in myself one day! First edition is March 9!

There's a new issue of The Undercurrent out! The producers of this paper really do a fine job and I recommend it to anyone interested in learning more about Objectivism. Don't miss the blog either, which is updated frequently.

Neal Boortz has a quotation from Ayn Rand at the top of his blog.

Here's some more info about this Friday's Tea Party downtown, from one of the organizers (found through Twitter!). Patriotic attire, eh? We've got Minuteman Peopleguy hats! And a pretend rifle! And a Union soldier cap! We're SET! And yes, I do plan to do me some Twittering and take pictures, too!

By the way, you should follow me on Twitter! (You know who you are!) What better way to encourage my need to blather on about the weird things going through my head learn even more interesting things about me? :o)

Carnival Of Homeschooling

Judy of Consent of the Governed is hosting this week's Carnival of Homeschooling! It's the Stimulus Edition, which includes this statement in the introduction:

Note To The Reader: There will be no government intervention in this Carnival! All stimulus will come from our blogpost contributors and your reactions should be your own!

LOL!

By the way, one of my favorite quotes ever comes from Judy:

The answer to 1984 is 1776.

So if you're interested in homeschooling, don't miss this one! (I don't have anything in there this time . . . maybe next time.)

Good And Funny

The Good

• Ryan had an eye doctor appointment today with the best pediatric eye doctor EVER. These people talked directly to him, explained what was going to happen before it happened, and helped him not be too scared. (The experience with the previous eye doctor could not have been more opposite in nature.) His vision checked out okay--he's slightly nearsighted, but no need for glasses.

• I haven't taken the time to comment on my peanut allergy post from yesterday (thanks to those who commented and linked!), but it was well-received and that makes me happy. The more people who understand our challenges, the safer things will be for Ryan.

• There's going to be a Tea Party in Atlanta on Friday! Planning to go, depending on the weather. You in? (FB link here)
  

• Twitter is the super funnest thing ever. :o)

The Funny

• Answering the door not quite put together after feeding the baby! (It wasn't too bad, but bad enough!) After how many years and how many babies, it was bound to happen sometime! :p

• Realizing that Ryan thinks Jesus is really called Genius.

• The most frightening baby shower cake ever made. [WARNING: if you click that link, the image may burn out your eyes. Click at your own risk!]

• Morgan says Naybe instead of Maybe, but Mayhaps instead of Perhaps.

Facts About Peanut Allergies

I find myself with lots to say about peanut allergies these days, partly because I've had so many people ask me questions about it. There are so many things I'd love to say to people who are curious about peanut allergies (or are doubters). I could write a book myself if I had the time or inclination. Instead, I'll attempt to briefly cover some main points, and give you lots of links.


WHY I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT PEANUT ALLERGIES

When Ryan was 2 years old, we gave him peanut butter. Later that evening, I got to call 911 and he spent the rest of that night in the children's hospital getting breathing treatments and being closely monitored. The next day, I got rid of the peanut butter. I spent the next two months purging the rest of our house of peanut products because I quickly realized that maintaining a peanut-free home is a lot more work than just reading food labels.


SOME GENERAL INFORMATION

Food allergens can produce serious allergic reactions that can result in death. Read that sentence again.

There is no cure. Treatments are being developed (yay), but at least in the US, are still in the early stages of clinical trials.

The only way to know for sure whether anyone is allergic to peanuts (or any food) is by eating it. There are a couple of blood tests (one called a CAPRAST) which can determine how "active" the allergy is. A higher score means that some kind of reaction is more likely occur. But the blood tests have high false positive rates. Used in conjunction with patient history and skin prick tests, the blood tests can be indicators of the presence of a food allergy.

It has been determined that CAPRAST levels greater than 15kIU/L indicate a 95% chance of some kind of reaction. (for peanuts only)

A reaction might be a mild case of hives, a runny nose, sneezing, coughing, vomiting, swelling of the tongue and airway, difficultly breathing, a drop in blood pressure, fainting, or death. The presence of more than one of these symptoms can indicate anaphylaxis, the definition of which is still being debated among some medical experts.

There is no way to predict how severe any given reaction may be. Read that sentence again. This is something that so many people don't understand. Just because an individual has a history of mild symptoms does NOT mean that they have a "mild" allergy, and that their symptoms will remain mild. This is particularly true for those allergic to peanuts, nuts, fish, and shellfish. A year ago, a little boy in Indiana died. His mother had previously treated minor reactions with Benadryl. (Please, no criticisms of this family--they've been through a lot. I'm using their case to illustrate how someone can go for years without a major reaction. It is not my intent to start a woulda-coulda-shoulda debate over this.)

The severity of any given reaction is affected by many factors, such as how much of the allergen was consumed, whether the allergen was ingested or touched or inhaled, whether the person is sick or has asthma.

It takes as little as 1/1000th of a peanut to cause a reaction in a peanut-allergic individual. Those "may contain traces of peanut" or "made in a factory that processes peanuts" labels mean something to those trying to avoid peanuts.

The peanut allergen is "hidden" in so many foods. If you have been trying to avoid peanuts due to the recent salmonella scare, you have experienced this difficulty firsthand. Some surprising places where you might find peanuts: chili, eggrolls, nuts and seeds processed in plants with peanuts, birdseed, dog food and treats, liquid fabric softener.


EPI-PENS

Epinephrine must be administered within MINUTES of an accidental exposure. But Epi-pens are all you need, right? Wrong.

Injectable epinephrine (Epi-pen or Twinject) has been and will continue to save lives. We carry two wherever we go. In a situation where an allergic person has accidentally ingested an allergen, as I mentioned above, you must act quickly, within minutes. The epinephrine will work immediately to reverse the swelling and blood pressure drop.

However, after the injection of epinephrine, the person must then be transported immediately to a hospital, where they must often spend hours, or sometimes days, being treated until the allergen is out of their system.

The Epi-pen is only the first step. It should be used to keep the person alive until they can get to the hospital.


RYAN'S RISK

Ryan's CAPRAST scores are around 75-85. Remember: scores higher than 15 mean there is a 95% chance of a reaction. The higher the score, the greater the chance of a reaction.

There is about a 20% chance of a child outgrowing a peanut allergy. Factors that increase that likelihood include: low CAPRAST scores, no history of anaphylaxis, no asthma.

Ryan has had one anaphylactic episode.

He has super high CAPRAST scores.

He has had at least half a dozen bouts of "mystery hives," when he has been exposed to peanuts on his skin only, which resulted in localized hives.

He does not have asthma, which is about the only thing he has going for him.

Consider that you can pick up a cold virus from a door knob, and transfer it to your body by then touching your mouth. That is exactly the same way Ryan could accidentally ingest the peanut allergen.

Add this all up and you get a picture of Ryan's risk. It is unlikely that he will ever outgrow this allergy on his own. He will have to deal with this for the rest of his life, unless there is a successful treatment or cure.

Do you need to wonder why we are cautious?

Given the prevalence of peanuts in our country, I must do quite a bit of careful research about the food we bring into our home. Not to do so amounts to playing Russian Roulette with his life. Incidentally, this is why I'm not comforted by the allergen labeling laws. Apart from the fact that I'm morally opposed to using the power of government force in this manner, having such laws does not relieve me of my responsibility to do my own research and make decisions according to our risk tolerance and the results of my research.


Why is this happening?

I get this question all the time. I understand that people are confused and curious, but honestly, I don't know why. Dammit, Jim, I'm a parent, not a doctor or researcher! Here are things I do know:

• All immune disorders, including asthma, type 1 diabetes, and allergies are on the rise.

• Roasting peanuts makes them more allergenic. We roast our peanuts in this country.

• We eat a lot of peanuts in this country, and we eat a lot of processed food. Processing lots of food where peanuts are present spreads the proteins around a lot.

• My mom has bad allergies (including anaphylactic ones); I have bad allergies (including anaphylactic ones); my kid has an anaphylactic allergy. Hereditary component?

What about doctors who think this is way overblown?

This recent article at Salon.com is but one of many such articles I have read. I've read too many to count, where doctor or other professional or someone else just thinks I'm just a crazy person. This post is already way too long for me to write everything I'd like to say about this particular article, but I will point out a couple of things.

This doctor paints a nice little portrait of FAAN (the Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Network) as a group of people with an agenda to push, a group of people who have, in this doctor's view, successfully riled everyone up into a big old hissy about peanuts and other food allergies simply to justify their own existence. (Full disclosure, I'm a member of FAAN, get their newsletter and participate in their fundraising walks. I like their educational materials and dislike their support of food allergen labeling laws.)

This doc makes it sound like FAAN is making up its statistics. Okay, fine. You don't like FAAN's numbers? Then go to the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology (AAAAI) and read the same figures there.

This doc then says this (emphasis added):

For those who argue that heightened awareness about food allergies is more beneficial than underestimating them, consider the psyche of kids who fear they have an allergy. They often wear a bracelet or necklace identifying them as food allergic and carry injectable epinephrine wherever they go. While those measures are justified for truly allergic kids, what about those who may not be? Research has shown these children report feeling more anxious, restrict their activity and are more worried about being away from home than even children with Type 1 diabetes.

See what he did there? Kind of a bait-and-switch....he's painting a picture of lots of kids who carry Epis and wear MedicAlert bracelets--just like Ryan does. Only in his image, it's the majority of kids who aren't "truly allergic" rather than the minority.

I've heard of parents who keep their kids away from peanuts unnecessarily (IMO). I can't do a thing about them. But to cast a shadow of doubt on MY kid, on MY judgment, simply because there are such parents out there? No. This doctor ought to be perfectly aware that Epi-pens are only available by prescription in the US. Did he mention that FACT? No, he did not.

Any child you see with an Epi-pen got it by prescription from a doctor who thinks that kid has a life-threatening food (or bee sting) allergy. Case. Closed.

If you are interested, the doctors at FAAN address this article specifically. It's worth pointing out that the statistics that are in dispute came from peer-reviewed medical journal articles. I'm not saying such articles are always perfect in methodology, of course, but I find it interesting in the extreme that the Salon.com doctor failed to mention this in his article.


OTHER RESOURCES

The Peanut Allergy Answer Book: 2nd Edition by Michael C. Young, MD


I know this is a lot to read. This post pretty nearly represents the sum total of my knowledge about peanut allergy. No, I don't know why it's out there. Yes, I'm sorry your kid can't bring cupcakes to school--but not nearly as sorry as I am that my own kid could DIE from eating a peanut, or that my other kids can't ever eat what your kids can eat at home any old time they want. I know that sounds crabby--because I'm actually very crabby about this. :o)

I hope this post has provided some helpful information. While this post is geared toward peanut allergies, much of what I have written applies to other food allergies, too. I encourage you to follow the links if you're interested further.

And I mostly encourage you to be kind if you are ever asked not to eat peanuts on the airplane (as a woman SO kindly did for us last year) or if your kids are asked not to bring baked goods to school or if you are asked to help your kids wash up after eating peanuts.

It really is that important.

Weird Encounter

I ran out to the grocery store after dinner for a couple of necessities: FAGE yogurt, Sauvignon Blanc (sadly, no Kim Crawford, so I got Brancott instead), milk, etc. The Peeps stayed home with Brendan and tortured him had quality time together, while I had a nice 45 minutes all to myself.

Do you recall a post of mine from last November, in which I had just found out that our homeowner's association president had been arrested for stealing approximately $600,000 from our HOA over the last several years?

Would you care to guess who I ran into at the store tonight?

I haven't laid eyes on this woman in about a year. They still live in our neighborhood, but are rarely out and about. Not too surprising, given the circumstances, but what a difference from even a couple of years ago. This is a woman you'd often see gardening in her yard (which was gorgeous, but not anymore), chatting with neighbors, picking up litter around the pool, planting flowers in the common areas.

She did all of these things at the same time she was dipping into our money.

I was very surprised at my reaction to seeing her and her teenaged daughter tonght. Well, not really my reaction, but the strength of it is what caught me by surprise. I felt just incredibly disgusted mixed with no small amount of pity for her kids. I found myself avoiding aisles they were in, so I wouldn't have to see her.

She really looked terrible, and I'm not saying that to be ugly. She used to be made up and "together" and friendly; tonight, she seemed a shadow of herself. Her daughter looked nervous and sad. When we inevitably crossed paths, she said hello, and I said "Hey" back. We used to stop and chat when meeting under such circumstances. I might not have returned her greeting if she had been alone, but her daughter looked so sad that I couldn't be rude.

I'm still thinking about this encounter and it really makes me feel awful. She has admitted her guilt, from what I last heard, and will certainly go to prison at some point. I still don't know how much, if any, of the money she'll be able to pay back. I'm so mad that she did this, and just want to smack her!

Anyway, weird. Just had to get it off my chest.

Unfortunately, Jenn . . .

I'm working on a couple of more thoughtful posts, but until they are ready, I thought I'd provide you with this diversion. Mine weren't quite as interesting as Kim's, but still, they'll do.

Here's how to play. Type "unfortunately, [insert your name here]" into Google and see what comes up! It seems as if many Jenns out there, like me, are a little bit klutzy.


Unfortunately Jenn wasn’t wearing a microphone as well and only one side of the story is being told.... [I'd probably shout in those circumstances!]

but unfortunately Jenn is morally conflicted in the overall means by which my company meets its ends and isn’t overly supportive in her actions.... [I so don't miss the workplace.]

They both enjoyed immensely conversing with their guests, unfortunately Jenn and I bore the brunt as we were the only people staying that night. ... [B&B from hell?]

He reportedly offered her $4 million dollars to pose for his magazine but unfortunately, Jenn turned him down..... [HAHAHAHA!]

Unfortunately, Jenn is more of a McDreamy girl then crazy for Dwight Schrute. [So not true! Sure, McDreamy is a cutie, but I've never watched that show. Beets all the way!]

we hoped that the worst case scenario would be a few stitches on her elbow, but unfortunately Jenn also dislocated her shoulder, and has a chunk taken out of her elbow bone. [Ow! Hope she's okay.]

Unfortunately Jenn it is considered abuse but that doesn't stop some people. [How true.]

Unfortunately, Jenn's 5'11" frame isn't exactly big by WNBA standards. [I couldn't begin to dream of 5'11"!]

And, unfortunately, Jenn took a tumble while we were walking around that first night and true to her word, QT burst out laughing and could not stop.... [Actually, that sounds a lot like me!]

Unfortunately, Jenn wasn’t her to push us along right now because she is the one that is right on right now..... [Errr?]

Unfortunately Jenn died her hair brown, so I can’t say she’s a golden anymore. [A golden what?]

Unfortunately, Jenn was a master of this jealousy tactic and I was out of my league. [Damn straight!]

Unfortunately, Jenn, I don't love coffee. [A terrible shame.]

Unfortunately, Jenn got booted today. [Oh no!]

Unfortunately Jenn’s handset decided to quit just as we reached the top of a very long spiral staircase with the rest of the herd. [Herd of what? What kind of herd ascends a spiral staircase?]

Unfortunately, Jenn keeps getting involved with these loser guys.... [Sorry, honey!]

Unfortunately Jenn didn't get anything. She is trying her shaky worms and a dinger.... [Double Errrr?]

Unfortunately, Jenn and I had never sealed any such deal, although she did rightly recognize that I would be a shell of the man she married if I somehow.... [Oooh! Somehow what?]

Unfortunately, Jenn was sent back in time by Lavos and would up stuck as a female for several years. [Would up? Or wound up? And evidently, I've been sent back in time!]

Unfortunately Jenn, you've disqualified yourself from being > representative of typical music listeners with your phobic criticisms of ... [Awesome! Phobic criticisms! Of what though?]

Eight Months

Mr. Sean is already 8 months old! How did THAT happen? To see his official 8 month picture, head on over to our FamBlog!

Carnivals!

Two awesome, amazing, informative, interesting, relevant, revolutionary, timely, and terrific blog carnivals went up yesterday!

Don't miss the latest edition of the Objectivist Round Up at The Rule of Reason!

And don't forget about the Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival at The Allergic Kid!

I can pretty much guarantee you'll learn something new from either of these carnivals. :o)

More On Choosing Battles

Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave comments on my The Art of War for Parents post. It generated some good discussion, and that's always interesting and beneficial to me.

My friend Kelly asked a couple of good questions that helped me clarify a distinction between using force to help a child do something (like stop before running into traffic) and Mom refusing to do something (like go upstairs to retrieve socks). After thinking about this issue for a while, I came up an analogy (from the comments):

Kelly--regarding the earlier comments, here's an analogy I came up with today. Let me know what you think.

Sometimes as a Mom I have to be like the Unstoppable Force--the one who must force the kid to do something against his will. (With rational parameters around when to do this, of course.)

Other times, when I'm setting a limit on something I will or will not do, I'm more like the Immovable Object. I'm not forcing the kid, but rather, choosing not to budge about something.

Both kinds of scenarios might involve in Battles, and I think both require rational parameters and reevaluation of whether the Battle is worth fighting.

The not going upstairs is me as the IO; the forcing into a carseat is the UF.

Two sides of the same coin? Maybe? Think I'm getting closer anyway, and I definitely mixed up the examples I used.

What do you think?

Also, as I was contemplating this distinction, I realize that I'm a better parent in the Mom-as-Unstoppable-Force situations than I am when I'm Mom-as-the-Immovable-Object. When I'm drawing a line in the sand, sometimes I get caught up in Not Budging and I forget to reevaluate whether there's a good reason for doing so. Some kind of Stonewall Mommy thing. (That's merely an interesting insight into my own personal self; YMMV, of course!)

Then Kelly said the following about the UF/IO distinction, which I thought was very insightful:

I think one super important thing for parents to contemplate about these two states is the consequence of doing it at inappropriate times or too often. Using force too often or unfairly leads to children who aren't independent and who feel resentment. Refusing to do things to help too much or with cruel intentions leads to children who don't feel loved and cared for. Both things are absolutely necessary, but should be used incredibly sparingly.

Wasn't that well put? And I completely agree. Thoughts? And by the way, in case it wasn't clear, disagreements are welcome in the comments! Hearing other points of view is always helpful to me.

LinkFest

Here are some interesting links that you might like.

Are you interested in the genetics behind eye color? This is a neat little site to help you calculate the odds. With so much brown in our family, it's a pretty strong likelihood that any one of my kids will have brown eyes--86.3%. And Ryan and Morgan definitely have brown eyes (Morgan's eye color was never in doubt). But, there's an 8.5% chance of green eyes and a 5.1% chance of blue eyes, both percentages are much higher than I would have imagined. (Why don't they add up to 100%? I dunno.) Anyway, Sean's eyes are taking the longest to change over. Now they are a dark gray with lots of green in them, sometimes with a hint of brown. So I'm not without hope for a non-brown-eyed kid! Even if they turn out brown, there will be quite a bit of green there--just like Ryan and Brendan. [Via one of my FB friends]

If you want some more parenting discussion, check out this latest debate at Opposing Views. Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline is one of the Verified Experts. Shameless bragging to come: Dr. Nelsen recently left me a very positive comment on one of my recent parenting posts!

Last week, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required) ran a story about a mom who has been convicted of a felony for lying about her address so her kid could get into a better government school. A felony. The county she was trying to get him out of just lost their accreditation last year--yes, all of the schools for the whole county.

Anyone know how long it takes for FailBlog to put up a submission? Because I'm just dying here. I'm sure it takes a while, but need to know how long I should wait before I just give up and post it myself!

That's all for now. Good night!

Brought To You By Procrastination

Yeah, yeah, so I've never updated you on how I did with my Triple 8 Challenge, and where the heck are my New Year's Resolutions anyway? And yet, somehow I've found time to bring you this list?

I'll get there, I promise. But this list of 100 was too good to pass up.

Thanks 3 Ring Binder and Kim's Play Place!

Here's how you play 100 Books:

• Bold those you have read.
• Italicize those you intend to read.

(Alas, watching the movie doesn’t count.)

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen* (brilliant)
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien*
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (don't ever need to read it again)
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling* (awesome)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee* (lives inside me)
6 The Bible (read it cover to cover in college, plus lots of exposure early in life)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (don't ever need to read it again)
8 1984 - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman (on my Triple 8 list from last year, didn't quite get there)
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott (read a few years ago for the first time, very good)
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy (on my Triple 8 list from last year, didn't quite get there)
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (I've read enough on my own and as English major, good stuff)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier (on my Triple 8 list from last year, didn't quite get there)
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (in 8th grade, thought it was "meh" but think I'd like it now)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (just awful)
19 The Time Traveller's Wife
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot (does getting about 1/3 of the way through 3 times add up to having read it? I'm going for it.)
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell* (lives inside me, excellent)
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (most tightly written story ever. love the writing, hate the story, if that makes sense)
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams* (lives inside me, funny, very hoopy)
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh (heard this is good)
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame (so long ago I barely remember it)
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (LOVED these as a kid, excellent)
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis* (um, see #33)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne* (excellent)
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery* (lives inside me)
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (only Dickens novel ever read, not bad)
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley (should probably re-read, but think it will depress me given the state of things in our culture lately)
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (awful, don't ever need to read anything by Steinbeck ever again)
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding (too freaking funny, even though I wish Bridget was a bit more . . . something. heroic? still, funny enough to re-read, and Pride & Prejudice retelling makes it interesting from a literary perspective)
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville (excellent)
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens (on my Triple 8 list from last year, didn't quite get there)
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (excellent)
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce (not enough $ in the world could induce me to read this)
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (very good)
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet – Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

*Books with *stars* indicate that these are extremely wonderful amazing books and if you haven't yet read them then I weep for your soul and think you ought to correct this oversight as soon as you can. :o)

Good Stuff

Can you imagine--Sean got TWO teeth today! The top two in the middle. For those of you keeping track, that's four teeth in 9 days. The poor thing has just been miserable. I even broke out the Tylenol once or twice.

I have used this video as a training tool for Ryan and Morgan:



Let's hope they learn from that boy's experience. :o)

Other Good Things included:

• A nice walk around the pond (even though it was quite cold out--for us, 45 is cold).

• Finally finishing my parenting post--I find the writing process terribly painful at times, and yet, satisfying.

• Yummy steaks for dinner--Sean loved his, again. He tasted chicken last night. I suppose all I had to was tempt him with steak and then those teeth would pop right through.

• Morgan and Ryan played some interesting video games--I really ought to write a post about how much I love the I Spy video games. (My kids like them, too.)

• I've been exploring Twitter and I'm enjoying it. Takes a bit of getting used to, and I'm not really sure how to re-tweet, but I'll figure it out.

AND as I'm writing this--Sean actually crawled on all fours. See ya next year! (Kidding. I hope.)

The Art Of War For Parents

Here's a parenting issue I've been thinking about quite a bit lately: Choosing Battles. Everyone's heard the saying "You've got to choose your battles." It's good advice, but rarely comes with any hint of how one should choose said battles.

I don't think the parent-child relationship necessarily needs to be adversarial, but conflicts occur--well, more often than I wish. I don't start out intending to have an argument with one of my kids, but they sneak up on me, often on multiple fronts (having more than one kid). Sometimes such confrontations are inevitable, when the child is taking a battering ram to a necessary rule or limit. But many times, I find myself caught up in battles that ultimately are not worth fighting.

Here's how it typically goes down: child disagrees with or resists a limit that the parent has set for the child. Mom explains the reasons for the limit, but the kid doesn't like it, and a temper tantrum or shouting match (my son's strategy) or sneaky thwarting (my daughter's strategy) ensues. Mom and Dad must then force the limit on the child in some way (or reevaluate the need for the limit or revise it, etc.).

Force, you say? Force, I said. Leonard Peikoff, in his book The Ominous Parallels, described the two basic kinds of interactions between humans (albeit in a much different context):

There are only two fundamental methods by which men can deal with one another: by reason or by force, by intellectual persuasion or by physical coercion . . . .

Children are human beings, but their brains are in the process of growing and developing. They are not fully rational . . . not yet. But one day (we hope), they will be rational. So when attempting to get the child to do something she might otherwise not want to do, I think it's right (and worth it!) to go the Reason Route first. Why? Oh, lots of reasons. Because it might work. Because it models rational thinking for them and gets them involved in the process of rational decision-making. Because it outlines the rational reasons for whatever it is they need to do. Because it demonstrates that Mom and Dad are not arbitrary rule generators and enforcers--that they have good reasons for what they want.

However, sometimes reason will not convince. It happens from time to time. :o) And then the parent needs to decide: Do I force this issue? If so, why?

Is it ever right to force a child to do something? Sometimes, yes. By the word "force," I of course do not mean hitting the child, although occasionally physical restraint might be necessary, as in the following example. By "force," I'm talking about making the child do (or not do) something against their will.

I think most people would agree that stopping a child from running into a busy street is an appropriate use of force. Why? Because the child, not being fully rational, is endangering her life. So Mom or Dad grabs her before she darts out into traffic, simultaneously thwarting her will and preserving her life.

With less drastic situations it's really a question of determining which principles should guide a parent's decision about if and when it is appropriate to force a child to do something. (Or not do something.) In general, Brendan and I allow as much freedom as possible--in fact, we err on the side of freedom--and set our limits around individual rights--the child's rights or the rights of others.

Here are some examples of times when we've chosen to fight the good fight, with my reasons for the less obvious examples:

• Last summer, Ryan needed a dilated eye exam. Brendan held him down against his will while the nurses put the eye drops in. (It was awful.)
  

• I've forced Morgan into her carseat too many times to count.

• [Warning to non-parents, poop story to follow.] I gave this example on another Mommy blog. When Ryan was about 2.5, he had an awful case of diarrhea with a bleeding diaper rash, too. He needed to be changed, but he was in terrible pain. We held him down and got him cleaned up while he screamed bloody murder (this was in a parking lot, too).

• A house rule I often reinforce is Please Eat in the Kitchen. (There are many reasons for this, mostly having to do with my self-interest. It drives me crazy to find mummified string cheese in the couch, piles of crumbled up crackers in the playroom, etc. And creates more work for me. And attracts bugs. Also, there's our ever-present concern that something is mislabeled for peanut safety--if there is a reaction, I'd like to know just where to clean up possible peanut allergen contamination.)
  

• Ryan has to have an Epi-pen with him if he leaves our yard.
  

• If you want to wear socks, then you must go upstairs to find them on your own. I will not come with you. (Ryan and Morgan only seem to want me to go upstairs with them when I need them to do something--but will play up there contentedly for their own purposes. This is a job they need to handle themselves.)
  

• Only one vitamin per day.

• No standing on a chair and leaning over the edge of the balcony (which is very elevated).

• Nobody is allowed to watch Star Wars - Episode III, Revenge of the Sith just yet. (It's too violent, and both Ryan and Morgan are prone to bad dreams about violent movies--although she's not the one wanting to see this movie.)
  

Obviously, there are varying degrees of the use of force involved here--not every one of these issues develops into a battle. But they are legitimate restrictions on what they'd like to do, either because they might be harmed, or rights are violated in some way.

Here are examples of times when I've chosen not to have a fight, or backed out of a fight already engaged:

• A child wants to wear shorts outside on a 40 degree day (or colder).

• The Big Dig in the backyard. (I care less about a big hole in the yard than I do about allowing the kids freedom to dig and explore.)
  

• As I write this, the wood rail of our balcony is painted rainbow colors. I think it's pretty, even though it's not up to the guidelines of our homeowner's association.
  

• Eat whenever you're hungry and whatever you like, with a few restrictions. (No cocktails, etc.).

• Wearing a bike helmet, at least while they're not involved in daredevil stunts. (Yes, I know it's against the law.)
  

• Climbing something from which a fall might result in a minor (or even moderate) injury. If I think they will get really hurt, I'll offer some advice information based on experience. I do draw the line before a broken bone, partly because I think I might faint or something if when that happens.
  

• Spending their own money.
  

Much of these issues revolve around optional values. I don't particularly care about the hole in the backyard, but I know that others might strongly prefer a nice grassy area to a concave bald patch. I'm bothered by food all over the house, but I know others are not.

Obviously, every limit I enforce does not involve a knock-down-drag-out battle. (Even though there are times when it feels that way.) Here are some Positive Discipline techniques I try to keep in mind as I handle conflicts with my kids. (Actually, some of these ideas--especially the first--may not have come straight from a PD book or resource, but they are in line with PD.)


Always give a rational reason.

I don't use the "Because I Said So" phrase. If I can't find a good reason for getting the child to do something, then really, why am I asking him to do it? And if I do have a good reason, then why wouldn't I tell him what it is?

Sometimes, there isn't time to explain all of the whys and wherefores--riding one's bike into traffic, for example. So I would stop the dangerous situation first--and then give my reasons.


Stop thinking about it as a Battle.

Yes, I'm using battle analogies all over the place here, but really, I handle confrontations best when I'm focused on solving a problem versus winning an argument. Now, of course the child will want to "win" the argument, but I do my best to point out how we solved the problem together or at least remind him about the reasons.

When I've had to use physical force--such as making someone sit strapped in a carseat--I don't gloat. (I've seen parents do this!) I didn't "win," but rather I behaved as a rational parent ought to. I did my job. Also, I empathize with the child's feelings. No one likes being forced to do something, not even little children. So I say "I know you are feeling mad that I'm making you sit in your carseat. It's okay to be mad about this." And then maybe reiterate the reason. Or maybe just drop it.


Make the Hard and Fast Rules as few and infrequent as possible.

Or, as I mentioned above, Err on the side of freedom. Really, there are only a few things that I will physically force them to do. I'll make them sit in their carseats. I'll stop people from hurting each other. I'll make people attend each other's practices and activities.

Basically, I will stop them from risking irreparable damage to their own lives, limbs, or property, and those of others. In the example of making someone attend another's ballet or chess practice, that is mostly a function of logistics at this point. When any child is old enough to be left alone here, he'll have that choice. If he wanted to stay at a friend's house and it was okay with his friend's mom, then that would be fine with me. Unfortunately, our schedules and those of our friends don't match up too well. And I can't just leave him alone at home (which falls under the risk to life and limb category, I guess. Certainly, property is at risk). Therefore, he's gotta go with.


Find ways to say YES.

A qualified Yes is easier to handle than an outright No.

• Yes, you can climb that wall--over on this side, where the drop isn't quite so large.
• Yes, you can paint--outside.
• Yes, you can wrestle around with your friends--as long as it's okay with them.
• Yes, you can have another vitamin--tomorrow.

Change your mind.

This is a corollary of the Don't Think of it as a Battle guideline. If this is something not worth arguing about, then why keep arguing? I often ask myself in mid-confrontation:

• Why is this important to me?
• Is someone or something going to be hurt? If so, how much?
• Are someone's rights being violated? Really?
• Is this annoyance I feel justified? If so, why? If not, can I live with the results of saying yes?

It's surprising to me how often I find that it's not worth my time or energy to fight over something. Something my dad said to me over the phone a few days ago reminded me of a particular battle they chose to fight with me. I hated wearing dresses; it was an ongoing struggle because it was obviously important enough to them that I wore dresses frequently since it became a War of Epic Proportions. And it still bothers them, apparently. Why? I just can't imagine.

Many times I'll be involved in a conflict, ask myself those questions above, and realize that the only reason I'm trying to enforce a limit is because it was something enforced upon me. That's not a good enough reason. So I'll say, "You know what? I guess I really don't care if you wear shorts outside today. If you decide you're cold, come in and change into jeans."

This requires quite a bit of introspection for the parent. Understanding my personality, my principles, my values, and some context of what happened when I was a child is invaluable.


Extricate yourself from pointless confrontations.

First, make sure you're not the one unnecessarily dragging things on. :o) Sometimes the child prolongs the confrontation beyond the point of all tolerance. I find that saying, "I know you're upset, but I'm all done talking about this now" very useful.

Say "Hmmmmm." Sometimes a kid needs to vent a bit. A well-timed "Hmmmmm...." allows you to acknowledge them while not engaging in the battle. (It also works for when they say something hilarious and you ought to respond but are afraid you might laugh.)


Show them the light at the end of the tunnel.

If there's something that needs doing that's not super fun, like picking up toys, show them the advantage of doing so. I did that last night with Ryan. He was upset because he was the only picking up (the rest of us were engaged in other legitimate things, like nursing babies). I reminded him that the quicker he cleaned up, the more time he'd have to play his computer game. I always phrase such things in terms of the child's rational self-interest.

I'm sure there are more tactics--and I'd love to hear some that you use!

Sun Tzu said something along the lines of "The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting." A really smart general will win the battle before it's engaged, by showing the enemy the futility of fighting, disengage from a battle not worth fighting, or possibly make an adversary into an ally.

Of course, I don't view my kids as "the enemy." (They may very well think of Brendan and me as the enemy sometimes!) But there is an apt analogy, I think. Maybe the supreme art of parenting is to guide the child without unnecessary fighting, disengaging from the ensuing battle not worth fighting, and turning them from adversaries into allies. I think many PD strategies are well-suited to this idea. Having identified principles and values helps, too.

The Good About Today

Nothing overly-hilarious occurred today, but many Good Things did:

• Nobody threw up. Really amazing. I'm still on a semi-alert status though.
  

• Sean can sorta kinda crawl--backwards. So I'm not ready to officially call it yet.
  

• I have friends who support me. Thank you.

• I'm wrestling with a parenting post, but think I'll tame it soon.

• Ryan was extra helpful about cleaning up tonight--and learned the meaning of the word "benefit," as in--"If you clean up now, it will benefit you, because you'll have more time to play Age of Mythology with Dad after dinner." (Rational self-interest strikes again!)

• Morgan completed an entire math workbook front to back. She REALLY enjoyed it and now understands the basic idea of subtraction.

• Ryan and Morgan built LEGO towers for Sean to play with. It was a very sweet sight.
  

• Brendan had a very productive day at work.

• I made crockpot chicken and it was so very yum.
  

Oh! There is a funny!

• I found my first submission to FailBlog. (Meep! I'll let you know if it makes it in. Still need to submit it.)

Hopefully there will be a parenting post tomorrow sometime.

Knock Wood

So nobody else succumbed to Pukinson's last night--and Morgan is fine, too. And I only had to wash one extra load of laundry! How can this be? I expected at least Ryan to get sick, since the two of them have been playing in close quarters for the last several days.

Hmmm....not complaining. Just saying. Regularly scheduled day ahead of us--for now! :o)

Oh Dear

We had a lovely afternoon with our friends. The grownups talked and talked while the kids were off on adventures of their own. We were winding up our day over a nice dinner at a local restaurant, when, without warning of any kind, Morgan started throwing up everywhere! Neat, huh?

After a quick drive home (with windows open), a bath for her, a shower for Brendan (who bore the brunt of the assault with courage and valor), and of course, a load of laundry already going, we are settling in for the night. Kind of.

I'm down here with the boys and Brendan is putting Morgan to bed. She is acting 100% perfectly normal, so I don't know if it's a bug. I mean, it's gotta be a bug--how could it not be?--but there is no fever or tiredness or whininess or more puke. Yet. She was as pleasant as could be on the way home and just chitter-chattered away in her bath and is looking forward to a bedtime showing of The Backyardigans.

And now we go into Hunker Down and Wait Mode . . . so blogging may be a bit light for a few days. It's bad enough when you have one kid with Pukinson's Disease (as my husband affectionately calls it). But when there's more than one kid involved, it's . . . exponential--that's the only way I can explain it. I hope she's well over it before anyone else goes down.

In other news, Sean got himself from his belly into a sitting position for the very first time! :o)

Stimulus Caption Contest

Titanic Deck Chairs has a caption contest going on right now! C. August has a picture of some gloating Congressmen with "I can't believe we pulled it off" looks on their faces.

Even though the entire thing is simply nauseating, I've enjoyed trying to come up with clever captions. Give it a try yourself!

Now This Is Just Ridiculous

So anyway, in Gloucester, Massachusetts, residents must purchase garbage bags from the city. The bags are $2 each and are purple and have the word "Official" marked on them. The city will not pick up your trash if it's not in these "Official" bags.

Naturally, a black market of sorts has sprung up because, you know, Holy smokes! $2 a bag!?!?!?

So the city government trash bag procurement peopleguys ordered a batch of bags with the word "Official" deliberately misspelled.

Now the garbageman peopleguys must read each bag and only remove the "Offcial" bags.

No, really. There is so much that is wrong with this I don't even know where to start. Although I'm tempted to get in on the "counterfeit" bag action.

Via Brendan, who heard about this on Neal Boortz

One Of Those Mornings

Ryan and I are having some disagreements this morning.

His point: "Why should YOU get to tell me what to do?" (A common theme of late.)

My point: "You are not speaking kindly to Morgan, or sharing the pieces of this toy as we agreed, and messed up her project. Now you are speaking so loudly that Sean will wake up. Morgan gets to share that toy and Sean needs to sleep and I'm reminding you that the others in this house deserve space and sleep."

I think that was a good way to explain it, don't you? And I remained calm, and you know what? He saw my point. Grumpily, begrudgingly, he has conceded my point and is behaving a bit nicer toward all of us and leaving Morgan alone and has quieted down.

I'm writing this post as a reminder to my future self and also as a way to stay calm.

One of the hardest things for me about having more than one child is balance. Being stuck with a nursing baby who is falling asleep, I'm in no position to do "Get Off Your Butt Parenting." Which is very necessary. Kids need to know that what you are asking is important enough that you are willing to stop what you are doing to go over and make sure it happens.

GOYBP means that you don't just say "Stop hitting!" twenty times from across the room. You stand up and walk over and help someone stop hitting. Or start sharing. Or talk about a plan for watching movies. Or help leave the room when they're being too loud.

Sleeping babes are not very conducive to GOYBP. So I'm left with my words--which are effective much of the time. Or I have to choose to let something go. Or sometimes, Sean has to take one for the team when he gets awakened by the ensuing commotion of my handling an issue.

And it's not just sleeping babies (although that's a common thing around here these days). It's a kid who needs comforting because she fell, but someone else is about to do something more harmful and needs to be stopped (teetering on a barstool in front of the freezer, for an example). Or a couple of kids fighting over a toy, but someone else needs help in the bathroom. Or a baby screaming because he doesn't want to be sitting alone on the floor, but there's another child screaming in frustration that her computer game isn't working.

You know, stuff like that. I feel like Keanu Reeves in Speed: Everyone is melting at once, someone needs wiping, the baby just blew out a diaper, the milk has spilled and you yourself really need to pee. What do you do? What do you DO? :o)

It often seems that I have to choose one child's needs over another's, even when they are both legitimate needs. It's hard, because if I've just been through an onslaught of having to make such choices, I feel drained and stressed that I couldn't be everything to everyone at the same time. I know that that's okay--and really, we're all just fine--that dealing with the fact that sometimes you need to wait for Mom and/or solve the problem on your own is a fine thing to learn. But, oh, in the moment--it's hard for all of us!

Thanks for listening. Like I said--this post is mostly for me, for the future. And to help me keep calm and focus on handling things they way I'd prefer to, which I did. And to remind me that this, too, shall pass. :o)

And all is harmonious once again here at the Casey Castle!