My LTE about Healthcare

Hey! My letter to the editor was published today in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution! I was actually about to just post it to the blog anyway, because I figured it didn't actually make it in the paper. (I know sometimes they have space issues, or just change their minds.) Am I glad that I double-checked the AJC website!

I think the AJC still requires registration to get into their website, so here's the text of my letter (the first one):

Government caused disparity in insurance

“Individual coverage frustrates Georgians” (News, June 21) ignores the fundamental reason for disparity between employer-provided group health insurance and private individual health insurance: government interference. It is not “economies of scale” or having an HR department to advocate on an employee’s behalf that account for the fact that group health insurance offers coverage with greater options and breadth than individual plans.

From ERISA laws, to the creation of HMOs to mandated employer-provided coverage, to COBRA and HIPAA laws, actions taken by the federal government are responsible for creating this inequity in the marketplace, by eliminating a market in which companies are free to compete.

As insurance companies have been forced to tailor their group products to the government’s demands, they have offset the costs of government compliance in the only other area of their businesses where they are freer to make actual business decisions —- individual health plans.

The only solution is to free insurance companies, employers and private citizens like me from the shackles of regulations.

They did a little tweaking but it's mostly the same as the piece I submitted. I added the line breaks above, because it was printed in the paper as one paragraph. Guess I'm used to blog-style publishing, with lots of line breaks; it looked weird to me as one paragraph.

Here's a link to the original piece "Individual coverage frustrates Georgians." In case you're registered.

So. There it is. I'm very pleased about this, because it was very interesting and rather fun to write (even though the original article irked me). And also it was fun to write about something other than my usual (though beloved!) topics. :o)

It was challenging to write this in a more formal style than I do on the blog--but it was an enjoyable challenge. And it was surprising to me how l-o-n-g it took me to compose that little thing. I enjoy writing--no, scratch that. I enjoy having completed well-written pieces. I do not enjoy the process of writing quite as much. It's "fun" in the hard-working, slightly painful sense of the word "fun." Do any of you regular bloggers suffer from such a dilemma?

I'll probably do it again. :o)

Mini LinkFest

Howdy! Just wanted to let you know that my Homeschool Wrap Up post was included in the latest edition of the Homeschool Showcase, found at Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers! (Still the best name for a homeschooling blog ever, IMO.) Thanks to Kris for including me.

Also, I'm super excited that our cabin has been renting pretty steadily this summer! We're using the same property managers as last year, but they've changed their name and website, so things might look a bit different to you if it's been a while since you've visited their site. It's our third rental season, and we had our best June ever. We've only got a weekly rental booked so far for July, but we don't seem to book too far in advance. I'm hoping to see more bookings for July here pretty soon. Anyway, yay!

Completely off the subject: another OBlogger recently asked about using ShareThis or AddThis on his blog. I haven't seen any responses yet, but I've wondering about how to use these, too. Can't seem to figure out where in my template the code goes so I can put a button after a post. Thoughts?

Hm. I sure did manage to cram in quite a few links into a short(ish) post, didn't I?

That's it for now. I'm working on a follow up to the homeschool post, which I hope to have ready by tomorrow. Unfortunately I have all of these other grownup mature adult responsibilities that keep getting in the way of my writing--such as laundry, cleaning up the house, and working with for The People.

In the meantime, enjoy this Picture of the Day of Ryan perusing one of his favorite DK books about the American Revolution. It was a thrillingly poignant sight to behold!

Good Things

We had the best day! Here's a Good Things Round Up:

Relaxing

The kids and I lounged around this morning, and watched Where On Earth Is Carmen Sandiego?. They liked it pretty well, although it wasn't as well done as I remembered. (Yes, Brendan and I used to watch it--in college!) We had a lovely, low-key morning.


A Knock at the Door

As I was contemplating what we should eat for lunch and how to spend the rest of the day, someone knocked on the door. I assumed it was one of the boys from next door wanting to play, so I sent Ryan to answer the door.

Nope--wasn't their friend--it was my brother-in-law. You know--the one who lives in Florida, which isn't exactly close to Atlanta. Turns out he had spent the weekend with friends not too far away and rearranged his return home so that he could come play with us today!

The kids were so casual about it. "Oh hey, it's Uncle B." Once we all got over the surprise of it--it was weird for a little bit, seeing him just sitting on my couch--we called Brendan and made him come home.


Fun and Games

We went out to lunch, and then B. and Brendan took the Big Kids to the pool for a while. (I stayed behind with the Napster.) There was also ballet and taekwondo and walking demos for Uncle B's benefit, lots and lots and lots of talking, some pictures with the kids, a rousing game of RISK, oohing and aahing of a general nature, and lots of silliness and laughter.

Uncle B had to leave around 5:30 to make his flight--but the fun didn't stop there! To top off this super fun day, it was babysitter night, so Brendan and I went out to dinner. :o)


Talk about a wonderful way to avoid laundry! I have very awesome in-laws and we're ALL big fans of Uncle B around here. :o) We've decided to make it a regular thing. Uncle B is now required, expected!, to come for surprise visits very often.

I won't know what to do with myself tomorrow when I have to catch up on all of the laundry and cleaning and stuff!

Word of the Day

I know, right? It's only 8:30. Maybe we're going to have an especially imaginative day around here.

Ryan learned how to play RISK this weekend, and, as you might expect, LOVED IT. He is obsessed with making plans for his next campaign, and was just teasing Brendan about how quickly he'll win next time:

"Dad, I have a plan that's unweaknessable. Do you know what unweaknessable means? It means I have a plan with no weaknesses, so you better look out!!!!!!"

Unweaknessable. Go ahead, use it in a sentence today!

Party!

Pictures from Sean's birthday party are now available for adoration at the FamBlog!

Apologies

I'd like to send out my apologies to those of you who have taken the time to write a comment on this here blog recently, because I am evidently the worst comment responder EVER.

I was going through my email inbox--I've been making a very concerted effort lately to bring it under control--a little earlier and WOW! There are sure a lot of blog comments I've been meaning to respond to and haven't!

Argh.

Please know that it's not because I don't love you! It's just that I think I need to locate my copy of Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity and do a quick refresher.....

And if you're wondering about Getting Things Done, there's an excellent review of that book in the latest edition of The Objective Standard. I read it yesterday and got re-inspired to improve my implementation of GTD. I've been pretty good about it since I read it a couple years ago, but things are slipping through the cracks, so I think a re-read is definitely in order!

And speaking of TOS--it's a great edition this month. Lots of interesting things to read. In my spare time. Heh. :)

Anyway, I hope to get caught up on comments very soon. And if I don't say it enough: Thanks for stopping by! :o)

More Problem-Solving with the Kids

The post about problem-solving I wrote the other day focused on how I spend a good chunk of my time helping the older kids handle their conflicts with each other in a rational, fair way. After I published the post, I had the eye-widening realization that one day, there will be three kids having a conflict with each other! That's a thought that makes me a little weary.

One point I didn't make is how often I really don't have to step in and facilitate their conflict resolution. Sometimes I'll hear them gearing up toward a full-out war of wills and then one of them will say, "I know! What if we . . . ?" and then offer a solution that's fair and that everyone can live with. Or one will express emotion appropriately "I don't LIKE it when you do that!" So I don't always jump in and start helping them with their problem. I will listen a bit and give them a chance to get down to business before I get involved.

Sometimes, my only role is to step in and say "Sounds like a problem here. You two need to work on solving this and if you need my help, please let me know." My intervention serves two purposes: to remind them to focus on solving the problem, and also to stop the escalating emotions (and retributions) in their tracks before someone's feelings really get hurt.

Now that they have quite a bit of practice at this method of problem-solving, and they both understand that problem-solving is one of their responsibilities (not mine), they really are pretty good about managing this stuff on their own. No, not all the time--they're only 7 and 4--but they can and will do it. It really helps now that Morgan is older. When she was younger, and with Sean, I will play the role of the younger party so that the older kid gets negotiation practice, and to model this for the younger child. (And to prevent the younger child from being steamrolled by Ryan the older child.) Sean doesn't get it right now, but that's okay. One day he will begin to understand that this is how we do things and that he can count on me to help him say words and express his feelings. You gotta start sometime, and babyhood is the perfect time to get in the habit, I think.

What's interesting to me is what happens when I use this technique when the kids' friends are over and there's some kind of altercation. Only one of their friends (Livy) is parented in the same way my kids are. She's more used to how we do things and expects to be a part of the problem-solving process. But their other friends are not parented this way. Usually, the first time I sit the kids down to express their feelings, identify the problem and come up with solutions, the other child is very surprised. One of Ryan's friends routinely refuses to participate, which is frustrating for Ryan--and me. Another of his friends is an enthusiastic participant, generating solutions long past the time we agreed on a plan.

Another thing I didn't mention in my post the other is just how often I use this technique to problem-solve the conflicts I have with the kids. It's tough to do, because I am both a party to the conflict and yet still a facilitator, but I think it's been mutually beneficial to everyone. Here are a few examples just from today.


Problem: I was paying bills on the computer and Morgan was interrupting me, despite my asking her repeatedly to give me a few minutes to finish before I could talk to her.

I took my hands off the keyboard, turned around to her and said: "Morgan, I'm feeling frustrated. I've told you several times that I can't talk right now."

Morgan: "But I need you to look at this!" [brandishes a dog picture in my face]

Me: "I know you need me to look at your picture. And I want to. But I'm working right now and I'd like to finish this."

Morgan: "Well, look at it now!"

Me: "We have a problem. I need to look at the computer and my head is filled up with the words and things I'm thinking. I know you need me, but sometimes, since my head is so full of words, it takes me a while to hear the words you are saying. You don't like it when I'm not listening and paying attention to you, and you want to show me your picture. How can we solve this problem?"

Morgan, thinking: "Maybe I can wait until you are done?"

Me: "Yes, that would be helpful to me if you can do that. But if you think I'm taking too long, why don't you put your hand on my knee? That would tell me you are getting impatient and not interrupt my thinking. What do you think, can you do that?"

Morgan: "Okay!"


Problem: I needed everyone to be quiet while I was trying to get the baby to sleep. He had fallen asleep in the car and I explained to R & M before coming inside that I was going to get him to go back to sleep, so we all needed to be q-u-i-e-t. They agreed to this while we were all still in the car (or so I thought). Once inside though, they began pestering me with questions (disturbing the baby); ignoring my hand gestures for them to be quiet (disturbing the baby); necessitating a need for me to speak and remind them to be quiet (disturbing the baby). All of which of course, disturbed the baby who stopped nursing, sat up, and was ready to play! Hmph.

Me: "You guys, I need your attention because I have something important to say."
[Waited for attention.]

Me: "I'm feeling pretty mad right now. You both agreed to be quiet while I was getting Sean to go to sleep. Then you were both talking loudly and trying to talk to me. I kept waving at you to remind you to be quiet, then I whispered and reminded you to be quiet. You kept talking loudly. Then I spoke louder to remind you to be quiet. Then Sean woke up, because we were all talking and we disturbed him. Now he's awake and I'm upset."

Ryan & Morgan: "Sorry, Mom." "Yeah. Sorry."

Me: "Thanks for telling me you're sorry. That helps me feel a little better. But I'm still feeling mad. We have a problem. I thought we had agreed for everyone to be quiet. But then you guys weren't quiet. What can we do next time this happens?"

Morgan: "We'll be quiet."

Me: "Well I know you will try to be quiet, but I need for something different to happen next time so that Sean will actually get the quiet he needs. Should I take him upstairs maybe and get him back to sleep up in my room instead of the family room?"

Morgan: "Yes."

Ryan: "Well I have an idea. Maybe you could do a signal to tell us to be quiet."

Me: "That's an idea. What if I held up my hand like this [held up hand in HALT position]? Would that let you know what I need?"

Both: "Yes!"

Me: "Well, that's something I think I can do. Let's try it."

[We practiced a couple of times.]

Me: "So is this our agreement? Next time you guys are being loud and I need you to be quiet for Sean, but I can't talk, I'll hold up my hand [gestured] like this and you guys will be quiet?"

Both: "Okay, we'll be quiet."

Me: "Okay. Sounds like we have a good plan for next time."

And you know what? Even though I was holding a wide-awake baby while I engaged in this conversation with R & M, and even though I really was very irritated that they had woken up the baby despite our original agreement, the process of talking through this problem and coming up with a solution actually helped my anger dissipate. By the end of it, I wasn't feeling that mad, set Sean down, and went ahead and did something else.

And also--I've held up my hand to both kids several times during the writing of this post (since Sean is asleep on my lap), and they both hushed! It's important to remember that anyone--kids and grownups alike--will be more likely to go along with a plan that they had some input into. I really need to remember that!

We even used our HALT! solution for a related problem that occurred.


Problem: I'm working on my computer (writing the beginning part of this post, when Sean was awake and playing elsewhere) and Ryan wants to tell me everything he knows about cobras. Seriously.

Me: "Ryan, can you stop talking for a second so I can tell you something?"

He paused (but possibly only because he needed air).

Me: "Do you see how I'm sitting here in front of my computer and how my fingers are typing?"

Ryan: "Yes."

Me: "Do you know what I'm doing?"

Ryan: "Well, you're working, aren't you?"

Me: "Yes. I'm working and thinking some thoughts and doing my writing. You want to tell me about cobras, and I'd really like to listen, but when I'm working, I can't really listen all the way. Also, I feel irritated when my work is interrupted. So I have a problem here. Any ideas?"

Ryan: "Well, I can wait to tell you about cobras."

Me: "I appreciate that. I really do want to hear what you have to say. Is there a way I can let you know when you're interrupting me, to let you know that I need you to wait a second for me to finish my thought?"

Ryan: "I know! Why don't you use the same hand thing [does HALT gesture] that you're going to use when we're making too much noise for Sean?"

Me: "Oh, okay! I can do that. I'll hold up my hand like this [demonstrating] and you'll know that you should be quiet until I can pause my writing, right?"

Ryan: "Right."

And that was that!


You know, I learned many of these skills back when I had a real job. I managed people; I worked on product development teams; I facilitated performance improvement teams. These are the same exact skills, only applied in a slightly different context--with my kids. I have to make certain allowances for their ages--the words and ideas they can understand and their emotional maturity level, for example--but other than making my words age-appropriate and having to deal with some inappropriate behavior, I am doing the same thing: I'm speaking respectfully, soliciting their input, restating the problem, restating the agreement.

In situations where I am vested in getting a problem solved (because I'm one of the people who has the problem), it's even more difficult for me to resist the temptation to Parent by
Authority. Because there is a small part of me--it's still there, lurking in my brain--that believes that they are "just children" and they really need to just do what I say already, to obey me.

But when I've parented in that manner: "You need to do XYZ now!" (and I do it still, I'm sorry to say), the problem doesn't really truly get solved. Sure, the kid might scoot and do the thing I need them to, like leave me alone so I can write. But I'm still feeling mad--and now so are they. And really--and this is tough to remember--the child may honestly not have realized they were doing something wrong. So is the problem really solved? Well, kind of. In the short-term. But the "solution" is one-sided, and certainly not ideal.

Or sometimes, the child still won't do what I want and then it becomes a Battle. And if I'm trying to keep Sean asleep, I'm defeated before I've even begun because crying children make a whole bunch more noise than children who want to show me their drawings or talk about cobras. The entire thing devolves into fussing and anger and yelling. And the problem remains.

When I take the time to talk to them about my problems, in the same way I'd talk to Brendan, or the way I insist they talk to each other, then we can usually arrive at some kind of plan for the future, or at least a mutual understanding. Because I have learned that sometimes my assumptions were incorrect. When I give them a chance to tell me what they were thinking or doing and why, I can learn something about that time--and for next time. And vice versa.

When we take the time to talk to each other respectfully (although sometimes somewhat heatedly!), everyone gets an equal chance to say what the problem is. Everyone has a chance to think up solutions. Everyone has a chance to make a plan for what we'll do better next time. We can reach a true, mutually agreed upon, long-term solution. And we can do it as collaborators, not adversaries.

I find that they are much more likely to go along with a plan they participated in creating than one that was dictated to them. And it's easy for me to say "Hey, remember? You agreed to be quieter when I hold up my hand like this." And they whisper "Oh yeah."

Now in order for this problem-solving approach to work, I can't look at the kids as "merely children" who must be corrected or controlled. I have to look at them as whole individual human beings who have valid concerns. Even if I don't necessarily agree with their concerns, I must recognize that they are concerning to the kids, and I need to respect that. When I respect the fact that the kids are individuals, I treat them the same way I'd treat Brendan or my friends.

This doesn't mean that I forget that they are kids--part of keeping Ryan in context means that I am looking at him as an individual human being who happens to be 7 years old. But all too often, I think adults tend to view kids incompletely. They focus only on the child's age. I know--I do it myself. I think: "She's only 4, so I need to make her do XYZ."

Instead, when I remember that the child is more than simply the sum of her years, that she is a human being and therefore:

• abhors being told what to do;
• revels when others, especially adults, show her respect as an individual;
• loves being taken seriously by others (kids and adults);
• desires to feel efficacious;
• feels pride in her accomplishments;
• thrills at being able to accomplish something independently;
• is still quite young and therefore relies on me for guidance and tips and skills;
• gets pleasure out of the process of using her mind to solve a problem;
• that she might make mistakes in judgment;
• that she might lack knowledge and/or experience that might have led her to a better decision;
• that she alone thinks her thoughts and feels her emotions;
• that she wants to be happy, too

--then I know that taking the time to give her tools she can use to solve her own problems (even problems she has with me!) is absolutely the right thing to do.

Carnival Time!

New editions of two great carnivals are up. Don't miss:

• The latest Living with Food Allergies carnival is at No Whey, Mama!

• And the 102nd edition of the Objectivist Round Up is at Rule of Reason!

Spread the word!

A Little Bit About My Day

In case you're wondering what I do all day long, here's a summary of a conversation I had with Morgan and Ryan a little earlier. It lasted a good 25 or so minutes. I think I handled this pretty well (PD-style), so I thought I'd share.

I was upstairs changing out laundry (I know, go me!). I was working as quickly as I could since I had the baby with me and he thinks it's super fun to hang out right by the edge of the top of the stairs. I could hear the sounds of a disagreement downstairs that began to escalate into "Moooommmm, Ryan's . . . " and "Mooooommmm, but she's . . . "

The first thing I did was step away from the laundry room and talk to both of them (they were on the stairs at this point). "You guys are having a problem, I can hear that. But I can't help you work on solving it right now because I'm trying to get the laundry started. Why don't you work on it yourselves for another minute or two and then if you still need help I'll be downstairs very soon and we can talk about it."

They kept fighting and trying to get me more involved in their problem--whining, tattling, arguing. I repeated myself a couple of times, but nobody was hearing me. So I said a loud "STOP!" That sure got their attention. Then I said "I'll be down in a moment. I know you're having a problem and it sounds like you need my help. I want to help you, but I also need to finish this first. I WILL be back downstairs in a minute. I WANT to help you and I WILL. Can you please wait?"

They couldn't stop. So I closed the washer lid (only about 2/3 full, but hey--it's something!), scooped up the baby, and we all headed downstairs.

Both kids started shouting at once. They were both VERY upset with each other. I started to talk, but again, it wasn't until I said "STOP! I need you both to listen to me now!" in a loud-ish (but not yelling) voice that I was really able to get their attention.

"I want to hear what you each have to say about this problem."

Ryan immediately jumped in and started complaining, and Morgan was dissolving into tears.

"Stop talking please!" I said to Ryan. "You will each get a chance to say what you need to, but Ryan, you need to be quiet just now. Morgan. Tell me what happened."

Morgan tearily said, "I was trying to go over into the corner [near the table R was using to play his computer game] and Ryan tried to hit me!" Ryan started to contradict this, but I reminded him that he'd get his chance to tell me in a moment, that it was Morgan's turn.

I asked M, "Did you get hit? Are you hurt?"

M: "No, he didn't hit me, he hit AT me!"

Me: "You didn't like that."

M, still kind of crying, "No. I wanted to go into the corner!"

Me: "What did you say to Ryan when he hit at you?"

M: "Nothing. He's not supposed to do that!"

Me: "Were you worried that you might really get hit?"

M: "Yes!!!" [breaks down into tears again]

Me: "Okay, what would you like to tell Ryan about being hit at?"

M: "I don't know."

Me: "How about 'Ryan, I don't like it when you hit at me.' or 'Stop!' or 'That makes me think I'm going to get hurt!' "

M: "Okay."

Me: "Would you like to tell him one of those things right now?"

M: "No, I want you to do it." [Sometimes she needs my help with saying the words.]

Me: "Okay, well, I think he heard us talk about this and I think he understands that you don't want him to do that any more, okay? Right, Ryan?"

They both agreed to their respective questions.

So then I turned to Ryan and asked him to tell me what happened. There's no way I can possibly capture all of the words he uses to detail any narrative of interest to him, so I'll just try to capture the essence. Those of you who know him in real life can imagine how much longer this actually took!

Ryan: "She's trying to get into that corner and I don't want her there!"

Me: "You don't want her there. Got it. So tell me about this hitting-at-her thing."

R: "Well, I didn't hit her! She's telling a lie!"

Me: "I heard what she said. She didn't say you hit her. She said you hit AT her. Tell me what happened."

R: "Well, I didn't want her over here so I [gestures with a TKD swinging motion]."

Me: "Hm. I can see why Morgan might be scared that she'd get hurt. I wouldn't want you doing that chop so close to me either."

[Interlude while he corrected me ad nauseam about why what he did was not a chop but rather a knife-hand or some such. Hmph.]

I broke into his word stream with: "I don't want to know about TKD right now. It doesn't matter what kind of hitting in the air you did near her. What matters is that your actions made her worry she'd get hurt. That's a threat [he understands that word] and that's not kind and it's not a way to solve a problem."

Ryan: "But! But! But! I don't want her in the corner!!!!"

Me: "Well, what's a better way to tell her that?"

R: "Um, 'Morgan, don't go in the corner?' "

Me: "That would be a way to tell her. What would you do next time if she didn't respond to that the way you want her to? What would you do then?"

R: "Um, ask you for help?"

Me: "Yes! Will you start hitting at her, making her worry she might get hit?"

R: "No."

Me: "Okay, good. I'm very glad to know that you will not be hitting at her any more."

Now, at this point in the conversation, Ryan clearly thought we were finished. But we weren't. All we had discussed up to that point was Morgan's problem with the way Ryan was treating her (a very valid problem!). But the original issue--who was going to be in the corner of the room--still remained unsolved. So we forged on...

Me: "Okay, so now that we all agree not to threaten to hit someone when you have a disagreement, let's work on a solution to the other problem. It sounds to me like the problem is: Morgan wants to play in that corner and Ryan doesn't want her to be over there. Am I right?"

They both nodded their heads.

Me: "So Ryan, tell me about this problem."

R: "Well, I'm planning to do a battle plan over there after my computer game is done and I need all of that room to do my work! So she doesn't get to be over there!" [pointing and glaring with self-righteous indignation!]

Me: "Morgan, now you tell me about this problem."

M: "I want to play over there!"

Me: "Alrighty then. Let me get this straight. Ryan, you want that space for your battle plan [Note: I have no idea what that actually means.] and Morgan you also want to play there, right?"

Nods.

Me: "Ryan, I'm confused because it looks to me like you're playing your computer game."

Ryan: "Well, I AM, but I'm planning to work in the corner after my game is over, which is very soon!"

Me: "But you're not working there now. Why can't she work in that corner while you are doing your computer game?"

Ryan: "Because I don't want her to!"

Me: "Okay, I understand that you don't want her there, but I need you to understand that the areas in our family room are for anyone to share. If you had a project already set up over there, you could ask her--or me, or whoever wanted to go there--not to knock it down. That would be fair. But I don't see a project there right now. You're not using that space, so I'm not sure if it's fair to prevent someone else from using it."

Ryan began to get frantic: "But I'm GOING to use it! I need to do my battle plan in that! corner!"

Me: "It sounds like you want a turn using that corner."

R: "No, I don't want a turn! I just want to be the ONLY person to work in that corner!" [Reminds me of that line from They Might Be Giant's Ana Ng: "I don't want the world. I just want your half." Heh.]

Me: "Do you remember that you do have a space in this house, that's just for you to use whenever you want, only for your projects? It's your room."

R: "But! But! But!" [I know I'm getting close when he starts with the buts.]

Me: "The family room and the downstairs areas are for anyone to use, as long as they are not disrupting someone else's work. Since you're not using that area right now, I think it would be fair for Morgan to use it. If you want, I'll help you and Morgan work out a plan for who is going to use that corner."

He argued a little longer (it's his way) but I just calmly repeated my points two times (my personal repetition limit).

Me: "Morgan, do you still want a turn with the corner?"

M: "Yes I do."

Me: "Morgan, do you understand what Ryan and I were talking about? Because we were talking a long time and using lots of words, so I want to make sure you understand." [She has a much lower (normal?) tolerance for conversations all filled up with words and nuance and repetition than Ryan and I do. At this point, she was sagging down on the couch looking extremely bored and mentally in her Happy Place. :o)]

M: "I understand."

Me: "Okay, tell me what your understanding is."

M: "We all get to be in the family room and get to have a turn in the corner."

Me: "Awesome. Sounds like you know our family rules. So would you like a turn now? Would you like help figuring out a plan for who is going to use the corner?"

M: "Ryan, I want to use the corner and when you're done with your game, then you can have a turn! How does that sound?"

R, after some hesitation, said: "Um, okay. But I'm going to be done with my game in 10 minutes. So can I use the corner in 10 minutes?"

M: "Okay!"

R: "Sounds like a plan. And you know what else? We could . . . " and then launched into a 5 minute exposition about the game they could play together in the corner! Which they are playing right now!

***

If this sounds exhausting and time-consuming, then you'd be right. But let's be honest: most of parenting is exhausting and time-consuming, isn't it? ;)

In many ways, the non-punitive, non-parent-as-authoritarian style of parenting is easier on the parent. Because especially now that they are older, I can place the burden of their problem-solving where it belongs--on them. However, in order to get to the place where they are solving their problems together (the last minute of our conversation), walking them through the process takes a lo-o-o-o-o-ng time.

This process is totally worth my time, however. Because going through this exercise, which happens daily (although this was an example of an especially lengthy issue), supports so many of my values, which I want my kids to know about, and gives them good practice using skills that they will be able to use throughout their lives.

I could easily have managed this issue with a few stern directives:

"Don't threaten your sister! Don't tattle on your brother! Morgan gets a turn playing in the corner!"

And we might have arrived at similar results--a child who knows that threatening to hit is not acceptable, a child who knows that whining and tattling makes mom frustrated, a correct judgment as to who ought to use the corner at that moment in time.

However, we put in some time and used rational discourse that focused on problems and solutions, and I think we are all the richer for it. In addition to a review of family rules about threatening and the usage of common areas, Morgan and Ryan:

• Practiced hearing and/or saying words they can use in the future;
• Got a review of the family rules--and a review of why we have them, hopefully gaining a better understanding;
• Had a chance to formulate what they saw as the problem(s);
• Listened to the other child's formulation of the problem(s);
• Learned they could depend on me to assist them in solving their problem(s), but not to have their problem(s) solved for them;
• Practiced expressing their feelings about the problem(s) in an appropriate way;
• Negotiated (finally!) a mutual solution to their problem!

They got to practice the virtues: specifically rationality, honesty, independence, rational self-interest, justice, and the Trader Principle. Had I done my parenting job in Judge-Jury-Executioner style, they would have been robbed of such a valuable opportunity to practice these skills.

Sometimes--okay, often--I really do get impatient and frustrated with this process, especially if I'm trying to do something else more important to me at the same time. But I am trying to keep in mind that THIS is my primary job and that when I take time away from doing something else to help the kids with these sorts of issues, I'm not taking time out in the unproductive sense--I'm being productive. This is me, being productive. :o)

How could I improve for next time? I probably could have paused my laundry activity sooner--but since I didn't think anyone was injured (at least physically), I chose to complete it before embarking on our exercise. What I ought to have done--and will do--is make sure that everyone knows that if someone is getting hurt (or even threatened) then they ought to bring that to my attention right away. And I will ask next time there's an escalating problem--"Is anyone hurt?"

Another thing I need to somehow work on is using fewer words. It's hard because Ryan and I are both such wordy people (didja notice?). Morgan is less loquacious and lacks the stamina for these negotiations. So what happens is I'll handle her part, then deal with Ryan who enjoys engaging in a prolonged siege of my limits (the better to ascertain where they are and whether I think they are important). I try to follow her lead in terms of whether she is at her limit and release her from the continuing debate discussion when I notice she's tired of it and when there's nothing else for her to really contribute. But--ideas?

So anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into a typical altercation on a typical day. And now I've got to go handle another problem (Sean's getting into Morgan's LEGO project)! Bye!


On a Related Note (in other words, similar posts by me!):

Kids Handling Conflict

On Siblings

Tantrums and Whining and Tattling, Oh My!

Some Good Things and a Question

First, the question. I'd really really like to get rid of our landline. However, having had to call 911 on two occasions, I really really enjoyed the fact that the 911 peopleguys knew my address without me having to remember it. I mean, I was calm and everything during both crises, but still...it was nice.

My main concern is that one of the kids might call it, or slightly more likely, Brendan might be having a diabetic moment and need to call it--and his mental processes are really fuzzy when he's having a really low blood sugar.

So I'm trying to weigh the risks--the likelihood of needing 911 in the future (I'd say higher than average, but still pretty low) plus the likelihood of the caller not being able to remember our address (no idea) against the cost of having this landline. Because the primary reason we haven't given it up yet is for this 911 thing. (Another reason is the convenience of having more than one handset for those low batteries.)

I dunno. I'm pondering. My actual question--after all of this preamble--is this: how do I get information about how 911 works with cellphones? Brendan used his cell to call 911 recently when he witnessed a car wreck a couple towns over in another county and the call went to our county's 911 service (I suppose based on our billing address?). After quite a bit of explanation as to where he actually was, the 911 operator switched him to the emergency service of the county where the wreck occurred.

That took lots of minutes and lots of 'splainin'. Minutes that we don't have to spare, especially in a food allergy or diabetic emergency (the types of emergencies we're most likely to have). So if you know of a resource I could use to research the whole cellphone/emergency topic a bit more thoroughly, I'd appreciate it.


And now we're on to Good Things:

Sean is officially a toddler, as of yesterday! And he is tearing. up. my. house. As if Ryan (not to mention Morgan, but mostly Ryan) needed any assistance in this area. Seriously. He is a Force of Destruction who refuses to take "no" or "look over there!" as an answer.

I'm apparently having a LTE published soon in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution! They called yesterday to confirm my identity. It's been a long while since I've had a LTE in the paper--like maybe years. So I can't quite remember how long the whole process takes. But I'll be sure to link it! I'm all excited--I just knew as I was writing it that it was a good letter. And it's not even about parenting or food allergies or the Census Bureau any of my usual topics--that felt good, too.

My friend's 5 year old son had open heart surgery last Friday and went home today! Can you believe that someone can go home so quickly after such a procedure? I was in the hospital that long after my first c-section! This boy was born with a heart defect and this was his second or third open heart surgery to repair a valve (with a cow valve if you can imagine) and widen conduits and tinker with the whooziwhatchits and other amazing things. I've known this family for a few years (we all take Music Class together) and they are just some of the nicest people. And their little guy is such a sweetie. I'm so glad he's doing so well that I just had to share! :o)

Homeschool Wrap Up

As you know, we started officially homeschooling last fall. I'm legally required by the State of Georgia to write up an annual progress report to keep on file.

Isn't that funny? I'm legally required to do this (and test every three years, too) but I don't have to report it to anyone. Don't get me wrong--I'm not complaining, because No Government Oversight is Good Government Oversight. But it's strange--and I'm on pins and needles about when somebody in our state Department of Education is going to decide that oversight is necessary. Hopefully never, but I'm ever-watchful about these sorts of things.

I see I have digressed.

Anyway, since I'm going to be a compliant homeschooling mommy anyway, I figured I might as well turn it into a blog post (because It's All About the Blog). Besides, I think this will be fun for the kids to read one day--and I'll certainly enjoy looking back on the things we did in our As-Yet-To-Be-Cleverly-Named Homeschool. :o)

Let's see, I'm required to make sure he knows stuff about: reading, language arts, mathematics, social studies, and science. And now we'll proceed to the formal part of Ryan's Annual Progress Report for his Official First Grade Year. (And then I'll discuss Morgan and some of the other things we did, too.)


Reading:

I'm pleased to report that Ryan's reading has improved quite a bit over the last year (which was really my only homeschooling goal to be perfectly honest).

Shortly before he turned 6, we spent some time with Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons (at his request) and he quickly got the basics of how to sound out words. By the beginning of our official 2008-2009 school year, he hadn't progressed much beyond that stage. He understood the sounds each letter stands for and how to sound them out together into words, but took very little initiative in figuring out words and cared not at all for reading out loud.

These days, he willingly reads signs and the words in his video games and has recently discovered comics! He will read aloud sometimes when we're reading a book together. What I find interesting are the things he's interested in reading--he's mostly a nonfiction kind of guy. He loves DK books (anything about war, history, or better yet--military history), the Usborne Encyclopedia Of World Geography and various Usborne Science books (there's one about weather he's really attached to, and another about rocks and crystals), video game manuals, maps, etc.

He seems to enjoy fiction most when it's read out loud to him--which I am happy to do! Last year, we read Little House on the Prairie and many Nate the Great and Magic Treehouse books (and zillions of other books that have escaped my memory). Even the easier ones, like Nate the Great, which I think he could read on his own with just a little bit of help, are not interesting to him. That's okay though. Maybe he'll get into literature; maybe not. As much as I love literature--and I do (I even majored in it!)--Brendan does not. He is still a happy, productive member of society, even with that tragic character flaw disinterest in Shakespeare and E.M. Forster.


Language Arts:

I must confess that I'm not exactly certain what this is supposed to cover. So I'm going to go with what we called it back in The Day: Grammar. And I have just one thing to say about Grammar: Schoolhouse Rock!

Because of Schoolhouse Rock!, Ryan understands and can identify the major parts of speech: nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, interjections, prepositions, and subjects and predicates. Also, he uses many of them in his everyday speech. ;)

If I am completely misunderstanding the term "Language Arts," and I probably am, please enlighten me. I'm not too worried--I'm pretty sure we're doing just fine in this area.


Math:

Ryan can add, subtract, and multiply. He understands measurement and can use appropriate tools like a ruler or a scale or a measuring cup. He can create and understand graphs/charts. He really understands money and is getting better at skip counting (nickels, dimes, quarters). Amazing what internal motivation will do for you, eh? :o) He can do all kinds of other math-y things, too.

What's interesting to me is that he learned addition, then multiplication, and only then subtraction. This is stuff he figured out on his own. I read somewhere a long time ago that you use a different part of the brain for subtraction/division than for addition/multiplication, so that might account for the slightly different (but still hierarchical!) path to math that he took.

We have recently had some conversations about mathematical concepts (place value, to be specific) that made me realize that I could use some help doing my job, which is 'splainin' stuff and answering questions. After quite a bit of research, I found and purchased our first formal set of homeschooling materials--Shiller Math Kit I. (And I got it on sale, too!) Shiller Math is a Montessori-based math program, so lots of manipulatives, which both older kids (and I) find useful for explaining ideas. The kit also covers 4 years' worth of math (K-grade 3), which is nice because I think we'll get a lot of use out of the stuff, and most importantly, I can help explain stuff to both Ryan and Morgan at the same time. The information in the lesson books is presented in a logical order, but it's also grouped by subject, so if we want to focus just on money (for example), we can zip forward and do only the money pages.

We've only had the materials for about a month and have explored it a few times. So far, we are really enjoying it. Also, I'm predicting a little help from Schoolhouse Rock!

Oh! And chess! Ryan took four sessions of chess over the course of the school year (that's 32 one hour lessons). He's going to take it again next year. Chess isn't math, but it's math-y and good for growing brain cells. :o)


Social Studies:

I'm going to go out on a limb here and call Social Studies by its traditional name: History.

If there's one traditional academic subject Ryan is fascinated by it's History. He loves to learn about the real things that real people did and how they really did them. (He loves it even more when real Good Guys powed real Bad Guy Booty.)

We signed up for the American History lectures at History at our House, and once Ryan got used to the lecture format (which he had never encountered before and had a hard time adjusting to), he enjoyed the stories and especially the MAPS. However, it became pretty apparent to me early on that Ryan needed stronger reading skills to be able to read those maps independently. And with a new baby to care for, I didn't have the energy or time to carve out to actually sit with him and listen to the lectures and help him understand what he was hearing and what he was looking at. So we ended up dropping this for the most part, checking in occasionally.

[By the way, I do not intend this as a criticism of Scott Powell's course--it is chock full of good information and well put together, and if you are looking for a structured online history program for your homeschooled students, then this is the way to go! Mr. Powell states on the website that the Lower Elementary program can (should?) be started when the child is around 7 or 8, I think. Ryan was obviously younger than this recommended starting age, having just turned 6, and simply just wasn't ready for a formal lecture series. We might sign up for Ancient History next year, now that I have more time to devote to such a class--parental help is necessary at this age--and he is a stronger reader. More importantly, he is asking to do this course!]

But there was still History to be had! We read aloud several books about key figures in American History to Ryan--at least 3 books about George Washington, a couple on Benjamin Franklin, and many more about other figures: Samuel Adams, John Adams, Paul Revere, Nathan Hale and others. We watched the entire series of Liberty's Kids on DVD, which I do think was really well done for the most part (I should write a review for the blog....it's on the list of stuff to do).

We also toured the grounds of Mount Vernon while in DC to visit my parents. And we saw the King Tut exhibit--because it was here in Atlanta and because we like all kinds of history, not just American. :o) We visited Kennesaw Mountain National Battlefield, the Southern Museum of Civil War and Locomotive History (on several occasions), Moon Station (a stop on the Great Train Chase and 1/2 a mile from our house) and historic sites in the Outer Banks, North Carolina, North Georgia, and Chicago.

And if I may be so bold--he even made a little history, by participating in two Tea Parties!


Science:

Ryan is very interested in science, too, and some of the topics we discussed included rocks (of course) and weather and the Earth and how babies get made and how babies come out of their moms (the regular way and the surgical way), how food is turned into vitamins and minerals that our bodies use. We learned about the anatomy of humans and animals using x-ray mock ups (he received for Christmas) and he learned more about food allergies, specifically his food allergy.

They grew plants from seeds using a project kit and raised butterflies from caterpillars. Ryan has been taking care of his frog for over two years now, and his venus fly trap for one year. He has learned about the basics of electricity through the use of several different electricity kits.

He took an 8 week long course in Robotics at the Enrichment Program, which he REALLY loved. It amounted to basic programming using a little robot that zooms around the room (depending on what you tell it to do). Hopefully, we can get him back in something like that next year.

We also took field trips to the Atlanta Zoo, the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, the Tell Us Science Museum, our favorite rock store in Tennessee, and the Atlanta Botanical Garden.


So....that covers the stuff I'm required to track. For Ryan. This post is really long already, so I think I'll write up my other ideas about our first real-live official state-sanctioned non-government, non-institutionalized year of learning here at our house....on another day. There's more I'd like to say, but I'll have to save it for later.

In a nutshell, though--we're having a BLAST and I have the best job in the whole world. :o)

How Lucky Am I?

For Father's Day, guess what I got? Yes--me! Go on....guess.....

I'VE GOT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF!

Yes, somehow or other, Brendan decided to take The People out to the Apple Store (Iconic Store-of-Stores) because he wanted to treat himself to a little something, and to give me time to write, and because he actually WANTS to spend time with his children. Imagine that!

Of course, Mother's Day comes around and I'm looking for some solitude--on Father's Day, he's looking for some company! Obviously, he's the bigger person here. (Or perhaps doesn't spend as much time with them as I do, which creates the need for a break.)

He really is a great Daddy, and his People just worship him. I think he's pretty okay myself. :o) Even the baby is now firmly in The Daddy Camp. You know it takes a while for the little ones to figure out just who Daddy is and to decide whether he's friend or foe. He does, after all, seem to do quite a bit of taking the baby away from Mom for diaper-changing (which in Sean's eyes is a double tragedy). But Daddy also does fun things like throw Baby up in the air until he almost hits the ceiling, making Mommy hold her breath out of fright, and making Baby gasp with delight at almost being able to touch the beloved ceiling fan!

I promised Brendan a Blog Post of Praise (smooches!), and now I'm going to get back to work. I've updated my blog rolls (please double check the links and let me know if I've left you off), and now I think I'm going to polish off a parenting post before doing some layout tinkering. Hopefully, I'll have time.

It's sooooo quiet though. I am tempted to take a nap instead. But I won't--no, I won't! Too much work to do.....

It's Seanie's Birthday!

We had a quiet family day today, to celebrate Sean's first journey around the Sun.

Here are the pics!

Your Feel-Good Saturday Morning Song

Via Neal Boortz (actually, via Brendan who saw this on Neal Boortz), a Slovenian a cappella choir performs Toto's Africa, complete with an a cappella rainstorm at the beginning! Kinda cool. The kids were enthralled.

Random Friday

I've had a lovely couple of days without too many pressing commitments. It's been so nice, although I have had more than a few moments where I felt a bit lost for something to do. Strange feeling!

It's been hot hot hot Georgia hot. The kids and their friends played in the sprinklers for HOURS yesterday afternoon, which really exhausted them! I was tempted to let them do it again today, but figured Brendan wouldn't be too thrilled with us encouraging the grass to grow even more quickly.

I've had fun playing around on the Positive Discipline Ning site I told you about. As you can see, I added a badge-thingy to my sidebar so you can go there quickly and easily. Here's a link to my personal profile. I started a group for homeschoolers who use Positive Discipline (Dr. Nelsen asked me to, eek!), and I hope to check out some of the other groups more in depth this weekend.

I forgot to mention yesterday about the Positive Discipline Tool Cards co-developed by Dr. Nelsen. I think I'm going to check them out, maybe do a product review for those who are interested. I like the first suggestion of a way to use the deck of cards:

Choose one card and practice for a week.
In one year you’ll be a perfect parent—
or you can start again.

Heh. :o)

Even though I have simply TONS about which I'd like to write, I've still not had too much time in which to do so: that "free time" I suddenly have seems to be filled up with lots of children--many of them mine!--who seem to need me to do stuff. I will carve out a few hours this weekend, with the help of Brendan, so I can update my Blog Roll and finish a few pending posts and generally get my head back on straight. Can. Not. Wait.

But before that can happen, we have Sean's actual birthday to celebrate TOMORROW! Can you believe he's a year old already? The first year goes so quickly, and they change so much. It's really amazing, even the third time around. They start off so little and completely helpless and dependent--one revolution around the Sun and suddenly they are conceptual and climbing the furniture! They start off more helpless than any other baby animal on the face of the planet, and a year later have cognitively surpassed the most intelligent of the intelligent animals.

Oh yes, he is conceptual--that is, he is looking at instances of objects and grouping them together by similarities in his mind, and he even has a few words to prove it. He calls cars and motorcycles and trucks "Pbpbpbpbpbpss" and will point out any light or ceiling fan in any room if you say "Where's the fan?" He's been signing milk and waving bye-bye for a while now, and has recently added eat and airplane to his list. He says "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma" (Mama, I think) when he's mad or frustrated and needs me to fix something. Usually, he's crawling toward me as he's saying it. He understands even more than he can reproduce himself. A "Sean, what's in your mouth?" makes him immediately spit out whatever's in his mouth!

Little humans are really terribly smart things. :o)

Okay, so I'm going to go hang out with The People a bit before bedtime. More to come this weekend, I hope!

Oh, and don't forget to stop over at Diana's and wish her congratulations on getting her PhD!

And one more thing--The Undercurrent has a special Summer edition coming out. Order some to take to your 4th of July tea parties, or donate them to a local university Objectivist club! I ordered some today myself.

Important Things You Need To Know

First of all, the 101st edition of the Objectivist Round Up can be found at Reality Talk!

Here's something else: if you are looking for a fun waste of time video game that's kind of puzzley and fun for the whole family, look no further than World of Goo! It's a little bit like the old game Lemmings.

For those of you interested in Positive Discipline, Dr. Jane Nelsen (author of several Positive Discipline books, like this one!) has set up a new Ning group for us. I joined today--Ning kinda looks like Facebook, only it appears to be for smaller groups of people with like interests--PD for example. I'm very intrigued by the idea and look forward to discussing PD issues with other like-minded people. I'll be sure to keep you posted on that.

Bye for now!

It's Been Four Days!

What a weekend! I can't believe four days have passed since I wrote on the blog. It doesn't feel like it, partly because the weekend went by so quickly, and partly because I did manage to Twitter/FB. :o)

Sean's birthday party was really fun. Just good old plain old FUN. The cloudy day was disappointing at first, but then we all kind of realized that the temperature wasn't as hot as you might expect for a Georgia June, so it all worked out. Everyone swam themselves silly--even Sean! He went in the baby pool and thoroughly enjoyed splashing himself and attempting to drown himself. He went in the big pool and enjoyed that, too. He ate some birthday cake and really enjoyed that!

We just hung out a bit on Monday, because I really needed some kind of break between the birthday festivities and Morgan's dance recital. My dad helped Ryan build a diorama, which he bought with his very own money at Michael's craft store. It was very sweet to watch them working together on it. Morgan drew everyone pictures of dogs, because that's what she does. She always very carefully labels the pictures on behalf of the recipient: "Mom's" or "Dad's" or "Sean's." Gramma and Grampa got some appropriately labeled dog pictures to take home with them.

The dress rehearsal and ballet recital went really well. I was a bit nervous about being Backstage Mom, since I don't know nothin' 'bout hair, Miss Scarlett. But the other moms helped me out by either having their daughters perfectly coiffed already and lending a bobby pin or two to the daughters of the hair dunces (of which there was pretty much only one--me!).

The girls had two numbers and all I had to do was lead them quietly down a few flights of stairs a couple of times (once in their tap shoes--haha!) and have them all line up in the correct spot and remind them eleventy zillion times to Whisper! and Quiet Feet! and Come Back Here! (because they are all 4 and 5 years old and have the Wiggles, you know). Nobody was prepared for how quickly we needed to do the costume change (on recital night I brought my friend with me for mommy backup), and a couple girls were a bit irked that they weren't going to have time to eat their snack! :o) All of them seemed to expect flowers, and to my knowledge they all received them.

On stage, they were all so cute and they all got lost in their routine a few times, but that added to the overall "Awwwwww, how cute" factor. My favorite part came at the end of their final dance, when the other 5 girls ran off stage as the lights were dimming, but MY girl remained rooted to her spot, smiling proudly into the audience, looking for Brendan and our friends. Many, many giggles and general admiration from, well, pretty much everyone!

There was so much more to our weekend, but those are the highlights. And now, I feel FREE! We are down to one kid activity--taekwondo. And although it's three times a week, the gym is just around the corner and I can get there in less than 5 minutes. So it's not too much of an effort to get there and back. Keeping Sean occupied is becoming a challenge, but I expected that. The next year of kid activities and classes will be really hard with a toddler. Somehow, it's easier knowing this going in!

But that's it--only TKD! The next big thing we have going on isn't until August when we make our annual trip to the beach. I feel like my summer vacation has finally begun. I plan to fill up much of my "free" time (because my time isn't really free, of course) with lots of writing. :o)

Here's a picture of my ballerina (for the few of you who haven't yet adored her beauty and grace!) with her flowers and, yes, that's a little dog, too!:

Picture of the Day

In a rare moment of stillness and quiet, Sean models his latest shirt from Think Geek (thanks, Auntie!):



He is 358 days old. :o)

Tomorrow is his party (as you are no doubt aware and naturally breathlessly awaiting more pictures). Part of the cake is out of the oven, but I miscalculated the number of eggs I'd need for the entire thing, so Brendan is off getting them. And beer, since the gods have decreed that no beer transactions shall occur in the great State of Georgia ever on a Sunday, unless those transactions occur in a restaurant requiring those Sunday beer purchasers to consume said beer at said restaurant and then drive home after having so imbibed.

Yes...I will be irked about this until the day we finally enter the 20th century.

Going to bed early(ish) since I must wake up early(ish) and make the rest of the cake, the icing, and then make it all purty and delicious! I regret to say that I'm still getting over the time difference from my trip last weekend. I'm not exactly on California time any more--more like Oklahoma time, I guess. But I need to go ahead and get myself all the way back to the East Coast already! Tomorrow ought to help with that goal. After I get myself back, then I'll work on Sean. :o)

Guten Nacht! (Because sometimes I like to practice my German.)

And In Case You Were Wondering . . .

. . . which Monty Python sketch Brendan and I were just laughing hysterically over, it was this:



:D

Another Carnival

The Allergic Kid has the latest edition of the Living with Food Allergies blog carnival (#45, that one!). Good stuff!

We have a busy weekend ahead; how about you? Tomorrow is taekwondo in the morning, a friend's birthday party in the afternoon (at a jumpy place, fun!), then my parents will arrive. Somehow I'll need to make Sean's birthday cake in time for his birthday party (at our neighborhood pool, fun!) on Sunday afternoon.

He's getting a Winnie the Pooh cake. I made it for M's first birthday; it's very cute. Sean isn't an especial fan of Pooh (well, he really hasn't mentioned it either way if the truth be told) but the other ideas I was entertaining based on the things I know he does like (balls and cars) involved extra expense and effort. I was somewhat conflicted about this until I remembered that he is 1 and as such, not at all familiar with the cultural norms and traditions surrounding birthdays, and extremely likely to nap during much (if not all) of the party. Also, all cake tastes the same, no matter which shape it happens to take. Since I still have the Pooh pan--he gets Pooh. And he better like it! ;)

I'll put pics of the party and the dance recital up on the FamBlog at some point. Oh, and pictures of the birthday boy on his actual birthday, which is--can you believe it?--one week from tomorrow! It seems like yesterday I had that little pregnancy countdown thing on the sidebar, doesn't it? He's not a wee little thing anymore--he's a big old chunky moose of a little thing. Part of me is sad that there will be no more wee little things in the future, but most of me is just a-okay with the idea that one day--in only a couple of years!--I will no longer have to get diapers or struggle with carseats! :o)

Bye for now! Have a wonderful weekend!

100!

Head on over to Titanic Deck Chairs to read the 100th edition of the Objectivist Round Up!

Wow. 100! Hooray!

Tantrums and Whining and Tattling, Oh My!

Waaaaay before I even considered having kids, I was scared of little kid tantrums. Once I saw a little kid lose his mind in the detergent aisle at the grocery store, and I was shocked! Simply shocked! How could anyone allow their kid to behave in such a manner? :p

Never mind that I had years of babysitting experience behind me, and a couple of summers working at the preschool my mom taught at. Something happened to me on the way to becoming a grownup that made me forget something I had known: sometimes, they just flip out, and there's nothing you can do to prevent it.

So when we were contemplating kids, and during the time when Ryan was on his way and getting closer to toddlerhood, I wrestled with this concern. How would I handle a tantrum? Of course, I was convinced none of my children would ever whine (hahahahahaha!), but I considered a game plan for that, too. What about tattling and arguing?

The best thing I ever did that helped me form a game plan for these common childhood issues was drink heavily read three books I've recommended in the past: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline by Barbara Coloroso. Seriously great books with really good ideas. In fact, you should probably just stop reading this post and go read those books instead. (Kidding.) (Kinda.)

I'm just going to list a few of the ways we handle these issues using positive discipline techniques (many of these ideas I learned about from those books). I'm doing this partly to see what my readers think of these ideas, and partly for my own benefit. I've been having a difficult time parenting in PD mode lately (I'm very snappy and I don't like it), so I want to remind myself about some of the things that have been successful in the past. And I'd love to hear others' ideas, too. I find it so helpful to read about what other parents say in those tough, stressful moments--gives me good ideas to stick in my head for later.


Tantrums

When Ryan was two, I thought the outbursts he had were temper tantrums. When Ryan was three . . . I learned what tantrums truly were. :o) When Morgan was two, I knew that her short bursts of frustration or rage were merely precursors to the tantrums to come. And sure enough, she had her first real tantrums at three--although they were nowhere near the intensity or frequency of Ryan's. I think some of that has to do with temperament--Ryan is generally an intense kind of guy. But I also wonder having a mom who was a bit more experienced played a role in Morgan's relatively easier time with tantrums. We shall see as Mr. Sean approaches the tantrum stage.

Ryan's tantrum period started shortly before his third birthday and lasted pretty much until he turned four. M's phase hit later--closer to 3.5 and didn't last as long. (I think it just might be safe to say she's all done with it.) It didn't help either one of them that we had a new baby in the house just at that time either (an experience we do not intend to recreate for Sean!). Ryan had a (relatively) brief resurgence of tantrums around 4.5-5, which I think is common. In fact, if there's one thing I've learned so far as a Mommy, it's that any of these phases or stages kids go through can return to haunt you, just for fun. Even now, at 4 and 7, both kids can throw a good old-fashioned tantrum, just to show me they still can, I guess. But tantrums from either of them these days are the exception and not the rule, and are neither as intense nor lengthy as the tantrums were in days of yore.

Each of my older kids threw fits in different ways, and Sean promises to be different still. Ryan was more of a Screamer, and would rant and rave all of his feelings at the top of his voice. As he got older, he'd try to flail and hit us, but usually it seemed to be kind of an afterthought. Morgan is a Melter--she cries and sort of "melts" into a puddle of tears right wherever she happens to be, even if that happens to be in the middle of the road or the sidewalk. When she was younger, she literally couldn't move, so we'd pick her up and transport her to a safer location. Nowadays, she slinks away and hides until she feels better. It's her way.

Other kids I've known are more physical in their tantrums, needing to kick and flail or throw things or bang things repeatedly. Sean is going to be on this plan, if I'm reading him right--I think he'll be a Flailer. He's too little to throw a real tantrum yet, but he expresses anger and frustration in a very physical way even now--he throws his head back and arches his back and kicks his feet. It's really very adorable . . . for now!

How is a tantrum different from a regular old ordinary fit? I think it's the intensity. A real tantrum can last for a couple of hours, and be nonstop emotional intensity for every minute of that two hours. Now I'm not trying to scare any non-parents out there who might be reading this, but it's true. In general, my kids' tantrums didn't usually last that long--a good 45-60 minutes seemed to be the general rule. Another characteristic of a tantrum is the fact that the kid is beyond upset and so out of control that they are literally unreasonable. Sometimes if someone is upset, but still kinda reasonable, you can talk to them about the problem, brainstorm, etc. When someone is in the throes of a tantrum, the only thing you can do is help them get back in control first--only later can you work on problem-solving or dealing with the emotions of an unsolvable problem.

It's no coincidence that the tantrum stage hits around age 2.5, which is when a child is beginning to separate himself a bit more from Mom and Dad in order to pursue Independence. It's an exciting time--but it's also a bit scary for a child to begin to move away from his parents. Coloroso points out that this stage also hits at a time when the child's verbal skills aren't quite up to the task of expressing his emotions. She also points out that kids have two more tantrum stages--a minor one around the age of 5 (check for Ryan; I'll let you know in a few months about Morgan!), and of course the whole teenage/puberty thing. Again, ages and stages where the child is becoming more independent combined with the fact that child is experiencing intense emotions yet may lack the ability to express themselves verbally. It's a party, what can I say?

Another thing I learned from Coloroso (and other PD authors)--and I've found to be true with my own kids--is this little gem of wisdom: the child hates feeling so out of control and wants and needs your help to get back in control. In other words, the tantrum is no fun for anyone. The kid isn't flipping out in order to manipulate you or because he's "spoiled"--he is experiencing BIG FEELINGS and is overwhelmed by them and too immature/inexperienced to handle them all by himself.

[Note: I'm talking about younger children here--I can imagine that there may be some emotional manipulation involved sometimes in a teenager tantrum, but I can't speak about it from (parenting) experience. Coloroso writes that the same tantrum tactics work for toddlers AND teenagers. I'll let you know in about 7 years!]

In a scenario when someone is completely losing it, here are some strategies we've used successfully in the past:

Identify tantrum triggers and use that knowledge to prevent them (accepting the reality that sometimes there is really nothing that can stop an oncoming tantrum). Some obvious triggers--being tired or hungry or having a disruption in the child's routine (traveling, new baby, visitors, etc.). So don't take a hungry child to a movie theater at 9:00pm. Things like that.

Some not-so-obvious triggers: food allergies or intolerances, oncoming illness, nearing a developmental milestone. All of my People are really touchy and out-of-sorts when they are about to make a mental or physical breakthrough. You can't change this fact, but somehow knowing this makes it easier for me to remember to chill out during these stressful times and to give the child a little extra time or TLC.

Make sure they (and others and property) are safe. So remove things that might get broken, or move the child to a safer area, saying, "I know you are so upset right now, but I'm worried you'll get hurt if you're standing so close to this table. I'll take you to the middle of the room." One of the little guys next door was a Thrower. I learned to clear away all of the toys from about a 6 foot radius of him until he calmed down. Even now when he gets mad, I automatically start sweeping my eyes around the room, trying to identify which objects he might want to hurl. :o)

Help them name their emotions and let them know it's okay to feel that emotion. "You're so mad because you missed waving to Daddy." or "I understand why you're so frustrated. It's okay to be frustrated by that. I'll help you calm down and then we can try again." Realize, too, that they may not hear your words when they're caught up in the tantrum, but they will hear something--your tone of voice--and those words will come in handy during the cooling-down phase of the production, because you'll have already practiced saying them!

Reassure them that you will help them get back into control if they want. Morgan rarely wants that kind of help, but Ryan truly desired and needed it. He would generally reach a stage in the fit where he'd request (or be open to our suggestion of) a Deep Breath. Then we'd say "1, 2, 3 ...." and he'd take a Deep Breath. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as necessary (up to 1,000 times). The Deep Breath trick was so extremely helpful to him (and completely useless for Morgan). He has matured to the point where he is often able to give himself a Deep Breath--inner discipline, yay!

But continue to enforce limits. If you're in the habit of saying words to set limits (as I am), go ahead and say your words: "You're mad, but it's still not okay to hit. I'll help you hold your arms still until you're back in control of your own arms." or "I know you're upset, but that [whatever] is not for throwing; it might get broken. Here's a soft ball to throw instead [or a pillow to hit, etc.]." or "You're upset, but your screaming is disturbing to the other people here in the restaurant. Let's go outside."

However, your actions will speak louder than your words in a tantrum situation--because of course the child's screaming is pretty. darn. loud. and anything you say will not be terribly audible. So sometimes I will just pick the kid up and go outside (or hold their arms steady, etc.) and explain my reasoning for it later. Don't forget to offer alternatives--a soft ball to throw or punching pillow will help a Thrower or Hitter (or other Physical kid) express his emotions in that physical way that they really need without damaging anything important.

Try to stay calm (no matter what happens). Which, you know, is easier said than done, particularly if someone has just head-butted you in the face. (And I know whereof I speak.) Adding yelling and screaming (or hitting) to a situation already fraught with yelling and screaming and hitting is not going to do a damn thing other than infuse more stress and tension into a moment that needs less stress and tension. The focus should first be to calm everyone down. So even if someone chucks a shoe at you, it's important to try to stay calm.

If you can't stay calm, then model self-control in another way. This goes for all sorts of ugly confrontations, not just toddler temper tantrums. I'm much, MUCH better at this than I used to be. I'm able to identify when I'm feeling all caught up in things (usually by the yelling coming from my mouth, heh). So I'll say "I'm feeling too mad right now, so I'm going to the other room for a deep breath." And then I'll walk away. This is demonstrating one method self-control to the child (even when you lack enough self-control to remain completely calm).

Keep several different calming strategies in your back pocket. Because one day, your non-throwing Screamer is going to chuck something at your head. Or your Hider will want you to hold her. Or you will be watching your friend's children. Or because it's just time for a different thing. Some of the best calming ideas are things you can teach the child to use on his own--Deep Breaths, Punching a Pillow, Getting Some Space (private tantrums), etc. Another technique we used with Ryan quite a bit was the Bear Hug--sometimes his body was so outside his control, that I would wrap my arms and legs around him, firmly but not too constricting, and it would really help him relax. It's limit-setting of a physical nature--creating a physical barrier, helping him not kick and not hit until he could get a Deep Breath and do it himself.

No punishment. If you've been following my parenting posts, this last statement will come as no surprise. There is no point to punishing a child after or during a temper tantrum. Punishing (time-outs or spankings or groundings, for example) in this instance does not address the primary issue: that the child is experiencing Big Feelings and is (probably) expressing them in an inappropriate way. Instead of punishment, keep your focus on the issues at hand--helping the child regain control over his body; identifying his emotions; working on solving the problem (or empathizing if the problem can't be fixed); keeping the child, innocent bystanders and property safe in the meantime. This is one of those times when it's really important to remember that the kid isn't throwing the tantrum to do something to you; he's just throwing the tantrum.


Whining

Don't worry, the next two sections won't be quite as long. (Whew!)

I hate hate hate hate whining. Seriously. The sound of a (my) child's whiny voice seems to resonate along my spinal cord and vibrates up to my brain and makes my head feel like it's going to explode. I'm just sayin'.

One decent strategy I've found for whining is to simply ignore it. But that's hard to do with your super persistent types [insert Morgan here] and also doesn't give the child an alternative--a tool for his toolbox, if you will. The tool we provide them is the Do Over.


Countering the Whine Machine (without, you know, Wine)

• "I'm sorry. I couldn't understand your words because they were all covered up by whines. Can you tell me again?"

• "When you whine at me, it makes me not want to help you out. Can you think of a way to ask me that will make me want to help you with that?"

• "Normally I don't mind doing this, but when you ask me by whining, I feel frustrated. Can you try again?"

• "You're whining about a problem, but you haven't told me what the problem is. If you need my help, tell me about the problem and I'll help you come up with a solution."

Honestly, the Do Over Method seems to be pretty effective so far (and of course I have to Do it Over and Over and Over, but hey, that's parenting for ya!). I honestly don't think my kids are any more whiny than their peers. But if you have other methods and techniques, then I'd sure love to hear about them! (My spine and brain will be extremely grateful.)


Tattling

I think it was Barbara Coloroso who described the difference between tattling and properly providing a grownup with information he needs. The difference is in the intent. Tattling is telling when your main purpose is to get someone else in trouble (oh how well I remember that delicious feeling of getting someone else in trouble!). Providing information when someone or something could possibly be damaged or killed--that's good. Encouraged even!


Tattles (generally starting off with a whiny "Moooommmmmmm!")

• "Ryan's looking at me with a mean face!"

• "Morgan is dangling spit out of her mouth!"

• "Morgan colored on herself with blue marker!"

• "Ryan lined up his soldiers on a table near my project!" [Ed.--"near" might mean "within 100 feet of"]

News I Can Use

• "Ryan just grabbed my shirt and won't let me go!"

• "Morgan took apart my battlefield!"

• "The baby crawled over my project and is ripping it up!"

• "Morgan fell outside and is bleeding!"

• "Ryan keeps screaming loudly in my face even though I asked him to stop!"

• "Morgan went outside [when I wasn't aware of the fact] and is wandering around the neighbor's yard! Oh, and she's not wearing any clothes!"
  

Another Type of Tattling

Another type of tattling comes during a confrontation they're having. Instead of trying to express their feelings to the appropriate person and/or negotiate a solution to the problem, they tattle as a way to get me to intercede. I don't do that--or rather, I try to remember not to get involved in their arguments until and unless my intervention is warranted.


Strategies I Use (as usual, this is not an exhaustive list and I'm always looking for suggestions!)

• "Sounds like a problem. Have you told Ryan how you feel about that?"

• "What's something you could say to Morgan to help her understand what you want her to do?

• "You're telling me about your problem--but it's not my problem. You need to talk to her about the problem and work on a solution together. I'll help you--but only after you two have discussed the problem."

• "Okay." or "Hmmmm...." [followed by a return to my own personal business]

• "This is not something I'm really interested in hearing about."

• "Is someone hurt? Is someone going to get hurt? Is something damaged? Well, then I really don't need to hear about this."

And if they told me something I really needed to know, then I always say "Thanks for letting me know! Now I can [help Morgan/stop Sean from eating dirt/help you two work your problem out.]. I'm so happy you told me that--that was something I really needed to know because it will help keep someone (something) safe!"


If you've managed to make it all the way through this lengthy post, then thanks, and wow--the fortitude! Let's open it up to discussion--although no whining, tattling or tantrums allowed! :o)