It's That Time of Year Again

It's almost time for me to send our Declaration of Intent to Utilize a Home Study Program form to my county school officials. I'm half-tempted to simply shout:

"I.....Declare......Homeschooooooolllll!"

(ala Michael Scott of The Office, who attempted to declare bankruptcy in this fashion). But I'll just send in my little ol' form instead.

By the way, my county sent me a helpful packet of homeschooling information, including lots of bonus forms requesting information that I am not required by law to provide to them. I highly recommend that homeschoolers be versed in the laws of their states, and not volunteer seemingly innocuous information to government officials (this is just a good practice anyway, IMO). I am required to comply with the law as it is written, and that is all I intend to do, since I don't think the government (local, state or federal) has any need to know about my children or their education.

I never completed my Homeschool Wrap Up from earlier in the summer, and it's a bit late for me to do it now, with the DOI just around the corner. So I'll just tell you about it as I describe our plans for next year.

We were very informal last year, which was my plan, what with the new baby and all. We had a very active out-of-the-house schedule last year though. Almost too active. My plan for this year is pretty much the same--informal go-at-an-easy-pace at home, lots of activities.

In case you're interested, here's our out-of the house activity schedule:

MONDAY: Taekwondo for Ryan

TUESDAY: Art Adventures class at Secular Educational Experiences (a new homeschool co-op in our area!) for both Ryan and Morgan, then our homeschool playgroup (as energy permits)

WEDNESDAY: Chess for Ryan, Journey through the Months for Morgan at the Georgia Enrichment Program for Homeschoolers (the homeschool co-op we participated in last year). Then Taekwondo for Ryan.

THURSDAY: Music Class for Sean and Morgan, Taekwondo Sparring for Ryan

FRIDAY: Free and clear!

SATURDAY: Taekwondo for Ryan, and Home Depot Workshops for Ryan and Morgan on the first Saturdays of the month

SUNDAY: Collapse and try to recoup the energy to face the coming week.

So that's our outside activity stuff. You'll notice that Morgan is not signed up for dance this time. We asked her and she just doesn't seem interested. As I wrote last night, she'll try Taekwondo sometime in the Fall--if we go for it, we'll be there on Tuesday nights, and longer on Thursday nights, for the White/Yellow Belt class.

We are not signing up for soccer again--Morgan simply had no interest last spring, so it's time to drop it. I had planned to add swimming lessons back in to the mix after taking the summer off, but after I wrote out our schedule and grasped its enormity, I simply couldn't face adding swimming back in. We'll try again in the Winter, I think.

And as much as I hate to think of it, I think it might be time to drop Music Class. I really want to keep doing it because it's so much fun and I love the leader of the class--we started Music Class with her when Ryan was Sean's age. The kids enjoy it, and I enjoy it (it's good exercise!), but I'm beginning to get bored with it. And Ryan is too old for class, so he either has to stay here with Brendan (which has worked out in the past, but Brendan might be getting an on-site contract so he wouldn't be able to stay home Thursday mornings) or come with me, which is fine with the teacher, but kind of a pain for me. We'll do it a couple more times, but I think our Music Class days are numbered.

I worry that Sean is getting short-changed a bit as the youngest, because I am ready to move on from this beloved toddler activity. I wonder if this type of short-changing will happen very often as he grows up. Will I be pulling him away from the things the others have done because it's old hat to me, and because the older kids have new interests and activities that require a different schedule? I suppose now is the time to do the short-changing though, before he really notices!

One thing about last year that I didn't anticipate was how much Morgan would be involved. As it turned out, she was an enthusiastic participant in any and all learning we did as a family. She was very upset that she wasn't old enough for Taekwondo or classes at the Enrichment Program.

As you might imagine, she is beyond excited to be taking Art and this Journey through the Months preschool class (where they will learn about the calendar and seasons of the year). She is certainly ready in the academic sense--her reading level is higher than Ryan's, she loves to practice math in workbooks (unlike her brother!), she can write very legibly (although she has yet to master the proper way to hold a pencil), she has amazing powers of concentration for any task that interests her.

Even though I won't DECLARE! her until the law tells me I have to (two more years), for all intents and purposes, Morgan is already part of our little homeschool and when I think about activities that are "school-ish" I think of her interests and needs, too. Honestly, I probably would think about her interests and needs even if she wasn't into the academic side of things. :o) But she is clamoring for math lessons, piano lessons, and wants to practice reading out loud. She is asking for this.

Quite a switch from Ryan who, for all of his smartiness, doesn't quite see why he ought take the time to sound out words because Mom is a whole lot faster at it. :/ For his benefit and my own, I have begun to refuse to read words for him that I know he could do. It follows a pattern of his life--from my first refusal to help him remove his pants at about age 2. I remember it clearly, he freaked and complained and whined--and then learned to remove his pants. :) I also had to refuse to buckle his seat belt, open certain containers, locate his shoes, and cut things with scissors for him. Le sigh.

So our in-house activities for Ryan and Morgan will include reading practice, math practice, and we will be taking Ancient History from History at our House--a special request from both kids! I think Ryan will be much better prepared this time, and Morgan is also eager to listen in. I'm not exactly sure what she'll get out of it, but I see no reason to prevent her from participating (as if that would be possible anyway). And this year I will have more time to listen to the lectures with them. We've been reading The Odyssey, too, just to get into the Ancient History spirit.

And those are the school-y things we are doing. But I want to make the point that it is very hard for me, at least while my kids are young, to differentiate between school-y and non-school-y activities. We all just seem to do what we do, and we talk about zillions of different things all day long and we stop what we're doing if someone has a question that can't be answered readily and look it up. I never know if I'm going to be looking up facts about cobras and black mambas or cumulonimbus clouds.

I fill out my attendance forms like a compliant homeschooling mommy, but the truth is that they are learning every day, all the time. I find it a very silly exercise indeed to provide my form with X-marks-the-days-present to my county office. What about this summer, when we have all been listening to audiobooks and reading about snakes and practicing the difference between ch-, sh-, and th- ? I see I have disgressed just a bit.

Other things I'd like to do: regular reading out loud (which we are doing this summer and all really enjoying), listening to audiobooks (it's fun!), checking out story times at the library, visiting the library more often, and field trips to see peopleguys in their natural environments. :o)

Somehow, I have to do all of this with a toddler! He'll be the biggest obstacle to making progress with our math kit because those teeny tiny little pieces are so much super fun to taste and throw! Thinking we'll reserve that activity for his naptimes.

And I also view nonacademic activities as worthy of our time. Take the laundry, for example. Both older kids are now doing their own laundry (I help Morgan with the folding since much of that is beyond her motor skills just now). We're going to do more of that--cooking, yardwork, house repairs. They already help with those areas, of course, but I'm going to take the time to help them get the skills and practice they need to be independent in this area. Because one thing I've noticed about this laundry thing--I personally have less laundry to do! And that is a Good Thing. Can you imagine the free time I can find when they are cooking dinner and changing lightbulbs? Is it possible to teach them how to change the baby's diapers? (She dreams....)

Another point I want to make is that the activities the kids are doing--both school-y and non--are for the most part at their insistence and on their initiative (Ryan's reading practice being a notable exception). I think there's value in their having lots of free time to explore and find their own interests, and to learn how to find out more about them. I don't want them to view traditional academic subjects as something that needs to be forced upon them. When we encounter a math concept during the normal course of our day, for example, we stop and talk about it, make sure they understand it, and if I think it's warranted, I'll mention something about other uses it might have, or where it might lead. But we do not yet have a designated "math time" on our schedule. (As I said though, I can see we'll need to do this, so that we can do this during some Sean-free time.)

We don't do Montessori at home per se, but we do follow some of the Montessori guidelines, which includes allowing the kids to be free to pursue their own interests and to give them time to work on any given activity as long as they wish uninterrupted (except when necessary when we have to get out the door, for example). Now that Ryan is moving out of the traditional Montessori years, I'm finding that he is interested more and more in academic subjects without my suggesting them (even if he only wants me to tell him about them instead of read for himself--but we're getting there). I would not have expected that if I hadn't seen it for myself. And Morgan is a whole ball of amazement in and of herself.

I pay attention to what they know and where I think gaps in their knowledge might be. And when their questions have moved beyond my ability to answer them easily with materials around the house, I've gone and found tools to help me do my job of 'splaining. But I'm not inclined to push them too hard toward traditional academic studies, mostly because they are getting into those things without my pushing, and partly because I don't want to kill any initiative they might otherwise have displayed by being too bossy about this stuff.

I'm happy to take advantage of the local co-ops and online classes, and I can see us continuing that strategy in the future. And I foresee many, many conversations about tons of different topics, and more dropping what we're doing to find a book on the subject or get online, and study it until our questions are answered. I love how we have fallen into doing this as a matter of habit, and I don't see it changing. It's how I learned things on my own as a child--I was known for coming home from school and heading right to the encyclopedia set where I'd browse for hours. My kids have the beginnings of this same habit (yay).

So it's in this sense of not being pushy (yet?) that I am an unschooling-sympathizer. Or rather, because I hate the word "unschool" (it's too nebulous and negative), a child-led-learning sympathizer. Because I value both the development of their cognitive skills, and their being able to practice being independent, I'm not sure how things might change as we move forward in their homeschooling careers. It's very hard for me to see, and I'm certain that I have more reading and thinking to do about this area. I'm glad that, for now, at least, I have time to do that research and thought, since the kids are both currently independent in this area AND developing their cognitive skills (with me filling the role of question-answerer, resource-provider, and teacher as necessary).

Well now. That was a tome. Time to go for now!

Why I Like Taekwondo

Tonight, I took Ryan to his first real sparring session. I was a bit nervous, since the whole point of sparring is to, you know, beat someone up. Even though I knew that there would be no actual butt-kickings, I was having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that I would be willingly giving over my child to this sort of activity. (Having actually been acquainted with Ryan for many years, I had no trouble with the idea that he'd be a willing participant.)

And of course it was fine! I knew that in my head, but had to see it for myself.

Since Ryan was new to the sparring class, he didn't have gear. But he practiced his sparring moves (which he has learned in regular class) anyway, against his teacher (a 15 year old black belt) and a few other kids. It was shadow sparring though, since Ryan doesn't have gear.

Yet. He'll be acquiring some sparring gear next week, I suspect. Head protection, mouth thingy, gloves, foot protectors. . . . My costumey kid is PUMPED at the idea of getting this gear, AND a cool gym bag to carry it in!

I love this taekwondo place. I have absolutely no experience in martial arts--the whole idea is still a bit foreign to me, even though Ryan's been doing this nearly a year.

What impresses me the most about this activity is the independence and initiative that the kids show. It's expected of them, and I noticed that as they climb the ranks, each child has a bit more responsibility. For example, now that Ryan is a Green Belt, he is expected to help clean up a bit if there is a mess.

I love that the older kids look out for the younger kids; that the higher belts are kind and gentle with the lower belts. Tonight, the black belt who ran the class--the 15 year old--was so very sweet to Ryan, gentle, but encouraging. He's a great kid in general and seems to have a natural way with the younger students.

I love the way that everyone just jumps right in. Ryan's first time at Sparring--he got to try all of his moves (shadow style, sure) against a black belt, a red belt, and another green belt. He learned about Point Sparring and how to judge it. He learned by watching and he learned by doing.

Now, the man who owns the gym wasn't there tonight, obviously. But his business, his classes run anyway without his presence. His black belts--there are about 5 or 6--run the classes in his absence, and they run it well. The kids respect their peers-in-age and do as they ask because that's part of the rules. Tonight, one of the red belts was fooling around and let his helmet roll into a match--the black belt made him drop and do 50 pushups. The red belt (about 11 years old) did his pushups and jumped back into class, no hard feelings.

I'm impressed with what Ryan has learned in the past (almost) year. Ryan learns his forms and kicks and punches--and also learns how to teach them to others. He loves walking Brendan and me through the steps. It's kind of fun to do, really. I can see that they way the kids are taught encourages them and provides them with the skills to teach.

This is probably how it's done in martial arts in general. But as I said, it's new to me. I took gymnastics for years, and while there was some peer-mentoring going on, it was nothing like what I observe in Ryan's taekwondo class. I'm not sure if it's the nature of the sport or what--but I like it. Ryan likes it.

And Morgan is DYING to try it! We'll give her a couple of weeks to try it out this fall and see how she does. She has told us she doesn't want to do ballet or dance. Which is fine, of course, but it's funny how fixated she is on taekwondo. The master at the gym said he'd try her out, and we'll see how she does. I'm concerned she won't have the attention span--but this child surprises me all the time in that realm. If she ends up passing the test and we go for it--then I will be at this gym five. days. a week: M, T, W, Th, and Sat. With a toddler. (It's only 5 minutes from the house, so we have that going for us.)

At least Sean is in on the action, too--he can Kihap already! When Ryan is practicing at home and kihaps loudly, Sean is right there with his little baby kihap echo. So. Freaking. Cute.

Wow. It would be nice if all three of them got into the same sport--it would be easier on me, I mean. But it would also be great for them, to participate in such a great activity in such a wonderful place.

Objectivist Round Up!

This week, the Objectivist Round Up is hosted by The Rule of Reason. Don't miss it!

What Will Tomorrow Bring?

We had a better day today, for the most part. But it began for our next door neighbors with a 911 phone call. Our friend, who had been on some new medication for a couple of weeks, had a life-threatening anaphylactic reaction. The docs think it's the meds, but it's entirely possible he could have developed a food allergy--they ate fish and shellfish for dinner last night. He'll go have allergy testing in a couple of weeks.

He had taken some Benadryl before bed last night, because he wasn't feeling right and he knew it would help him sleep. The docs told them that his taking those two doses of Benadryl probably saved his life.

I'm so glad he's okay, and that he had the wherewithal to call 911 himself. His wife had stepped out to go work out at the gym, thinking that she'd be back before anyone in her household woke up. She was a little freaked out, to say the least, to find paramedic peopleguys at her house at 6:45 in the morning.

It was a very sobering way to begin the day, and I couldn't help but think about Ryan. I'm hoping when he feels better, our neighbor will describe for me what the experience was like, so I can think of ways to help Ryan learn about possible symptoms. Our friend didn't think of this in the moment, but they actually have one of Ryan's Epi-pens over there, as an emergency back up. The Epi-pen Jr. is half the adult dose, but it would have helped, I think. I told them to go ahead and use it next time!

Here at the Casey Castle, we had a fairly uneventful day. The kids next door didn't come over, which was disappointing to Ryan, but we managed to have fun anyway. :o) Neither Sean nor anyone else fell down the stairs or otherwise tried to kill themselves, so I'm counting today as a WIN (for our family at least).

Good Things About Today

1. Our neighbor survived his very close call.

2. Sean learned a new word: apple. He pronounces it "ack-a."

3. Morgan conquered a very difficult level in World of Goo! She was so proud she barked and wagged her imaginary tail. Good dog!

4. Ryan requested that I read him some of The Odyssey, as retold by Geraldine McCaughrean. We read about the Lotus-Eaters and he was enthralled.

5. The kids helped me clean up and clean OUT the playroom! There is a playroom-related post in the making--I'm waiting to see how the story turns out before I share it though. I'm anticipating a dramatic, suspense-filled finish, but I'm not yet sure if the ending will be tragic and thus worthy of an Oscar nod, or if we'll end up with the feel-good movie of the summer. Stay tuned.

6. I'm still making progress with the One Word PD Tool. Funniest One Word I've used this week: "Head!" For those times when someone is annoying his sister by sticking his head in her face. It worked, and I was powerfully reminded of some of the funny brilliance in the movie So I Married an Axe Murderer: "Head! Pants! Now!"

6. You need to check out the following links:

• Parenting Tool: Reframing Annoying Personality Traits by my friend Kelly. It's really good.

• There's going to be a Literary Twestival on August 14. I have no idea what that is, but I'm so in. (via Bashing in Minds)

• Oh--this came up in my Google Alerts today: "Food Allergies Get Curiouser and Curiouser," from New Scientist. I haven't had time to read this thoroughly, but the gist of the article seems to be that food allergies in general are really baffling to scientists all over the world, and the problem is more complex that many appreciate. Also, I tend to like articles with literary references in the titles.

That's it for now! I'm going to get some rest while I can--Ryan has his first taekwondo sparring class tomorrow evening, and I think I'm going to need all of the liquor nerves I can get in order to cope.

Good Things & PD Update

Okay. Let me tell you a little bit about my day. We started off as usual--sleepy baby heads, breakfast, half-nakedy little girls, talking . . .

Then I lost my temper over, yes--you guessed it--vitamins. Well, not really vitamins. It was actually the irritating hectoring over when I was going to get to the vitamin part of my priority list. When, I ask you? WHEN? Well, I flipped my cookies, and then made Ryan crack up over the phrase "flipped my cookies" and then further amazed him by slamming closing the door to the cabinet under the sink with a little more force than I usually do . . . which resulted in the fake cabinet panels on that part of the cabinet becoming, uh, dislodged.

Not. My Best. Mommy. Morning. Trust me, you couldn't be any more disappointed in me than I already am.

I did have a bit of an epiphany though, which I'm hoping will lead to improvement. Diana, on Twitter (follow me today!) made a comment that made me realize more fully than I ever had before that I tend to lose my temper when I am NOT concentrating on trying to communicate kindly and firmly. When I'm distracted by something else. Today, in this case, it was because I was listening (we all were) to the audio version of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Not only was the incessant relentless bugging getting on my nerves--that I could have handled. But when my listening to Harry Potter was interrupted? Well, obviously, that's a Real Problem! Sigh.

Then Sean had what can only be termed as a precursor to a real live temper tantrum. OMG. Not even Ryan had such a fit at such a young age. Ryan has always been an intense kid--but Sean has always had a temper. His fit today lasted about half an hour and was extremely intense (temper + persistence = intensity?). My only hope at this point is that he'll get this stuff out of his system at a slightly younger age than the other two, and we'll be through with it a bit sooner? I know. Grasping at straws. But that's all I've got right now. Dude.

Things were improving, and I was assisting Ryan in DOING. HIS. OWN. LAUNDRY! (yeah!) when all of a sudden, Sean tried to sit down backwards on the top stair, missed, and toppled head over heels down the stairs. I will never get that image erased from my mind. He bounced, and I'm so not kidding.

I nearly had a heart attack. Seriously, I have never been so aware of adrenaline surging through my body, not ever. I sent Ryan scrambling for the phone so I could call Brendan, and gingerly picked Sean up. He was screaming, but appeared okay. In fact, he was perfectly okay. Within a couple of minutes, as soon as I had Brendan on the phone, Sean was calm and composed and headed back up the stairs.

It was 12:45.

Can you believe I started this post to focus on Good Things?!?!?! :o)

Good Things about Today:

1. Morgan and Ryan doing their own laundry. Good. Yes. Very, very good.

2. Morgan and Ryan cooperating in a happy, helpful way in cleaning up their rooms. Oh yeah!

3. Our friends Kelly and Aaron and Livy came over for dinner and we got to see them all for the first time in about 10 days (they are recently returned from vacation). Yay for good friends and catching up on all the latest.


Yes, things definitely improved this afternoon and into the evening. Because I'm not sure if I could have survived if things hadn't improved. Oh! And I got lots of laundry folded! And nobody splashed in the potty. And nobody broke any bones (although they tried). :o)

Oh, and I've been pretty good about using the One Word PD strategy in the last couple of days. "Door!" is the one I've used most often. "Stop!" and "Hands!" are close seconds. "Cereal!" is going to be taking the lead though, in the next couple of days.

I'm still over-explaining things a bit too much for Morgan's taste, I think. But that's why I'm focusing on this, isn't it?

Ryan once told me that he didn't like it when I used One Word, because it felt like I was being too bossy. So I've been making an effort to say the word in a cheery, helpful tone instead of a mean old bossy tone. Rather makes a difference, I think.

Here's to a better day tomorrow!

A Conversation about Integrity

Integrity is loyalty to one’s convictions and values; it is the policy of acting in accordance with one’s values, of expressing, upholding and translating them into practical reality.

Ayn Rand, "The Ethics of Emergencies," The Virtue of Selfishness, p. 46

The Five Tenets of Taekwondo

1. Courtesy
2. Integrity
3. Perserverance
4. Self-Control
5. Indomitable Spirit

Ryan is learning about Integrity. It's interesting; some virtues, such as Independence, are easy to demonstrate to a child. He goes and does something on his own, thinks something different in the face of adversity, and it's fairly easy for a parent to notice it, to bring it up in a conversation. Same goes for Honesty. We've had several conversations about truth-telling and lying.

But integrity is different--I think because it's mostly internal. In order for a person to understand it, he needs to have an appreciation (on some level) for honesty--the recognition of the primacy of existence--and for independence, too (his mind and life are his own). Is integrity a virtue that would be more easily faked? I don't really know, but I suspect that maybe it is. Because really, only you can know if you have integrity, if you are consciously living according to your values. Others may suspect that you do (or don't) have integrity through outward signs; but only you can really know if you do.

I'm rambling, so I'll just cut to the purpose of this post. Ryan and I had a conversation about integrity the other day.

He had told a fairly small obvious lie to us, and was easily found out. Sigh. The lying really isn't an every day thing--my impression is that it's a "let's just see if I can get away with this" thing. It's a limit that he pushes--not often, but every once in a while, just to piss me off see if I'll notice.

Wanna know what he lied about? Well alright, I'll tell you. You know those little gel window decorations? Those of you with little kids might know what I mean. Those of you without little kids--okay, here's an example. (WARNING: do not ever buy these, but if you do, please click through using that link so I can get a kickback from Amazon, won't you?) They are these little jello-like translucent things that stick to the windows and look at colorful and cute.

I hate them.

My children have discovered that these little things can be ripped up into thousands of teeny tiny pieces. I find them everywhere. I find them on the windows. I find them on the floors. I find them stuck to kitchen appliances. I find them stuck to the toilet paper roll. I find them EVERY. WHERE.

Also, Sean thinks they're tasty! (I know, big shocker that.) I have no idea what they could possibly be made out of, but I suspect that it ain't exactly food.

Hmmm....I'm rambling again. Back to the point.

The other lovely thing my kids have discovered is that after you tear these things up into thousands of bits, you can throw them up up UP! And they will stick to any surface. Like the ceiling. Or the wall above the basement door. Or the light fixtures. Neat, huh?

So, as you might imagine, we've asked the kids to stop. Stop tearing them up. Stop leaving them on the floor. Stop sticking them to the ceiling. And, as you can obviously tell by the quality and quantity of this rant, they have not stopped. :o)

FULL DISCLOSURE: Brendan and I do NOT buy these! (Because that would be silly, to buy them for the kids when I hate them--the gel things, not the kids--so much!) They always come as gifts from well-meaning friends and relatives. I try to inspect any and all packages and throw these things away before The People can find them--but sometimes I FAIL.

So as you might already have guessed, if you've withstood the power of my ranting this far, Ryan lied to us about throwing little bits o'gel onto the ceiling. I used my Mommy Jedi Mind Trick to get him to admit the truth. It wasn't even hard because he is a really bad liar (yay, shhh...don't tell him that).

Brendan wasn't around though, and I knew that he'd be really annoyed, particularly since he is the one who has to get the crap off of the ceiling, and even more particularly since he specifically done told Ryan never ever to do this again just a couple of weeks ago. We both (kind of) believed that Ryan had finally gotten the message . . . sigh. Rookie Mistake. That's our fault, partly because as Ryan is the oldest, we are perpetual Rookie Parents. :/ And sometimes, we're not all that bright.

I told Ryan that he'd have to tell Brendan about the gel on the ceiling. He got really upset and didn't want to admit the truth to Brendan, knowing that Brendan would be irritated. At that moment, Brendan got home and noticed something was transpiring between Ryan and me, but wisely didn't say anything.

Ryan kept pleading with me to tell Brendan about what he'd done, but I refused. I told him that this was his responsibility, that I understood that he was nervous about it, that he didn't want to do it. I reassured him that he and Brendan could solve this problem. I listened and empathized. I offered to hold his hand to support him while he told Brendan about it. But I steadfastly refused to agree to utter the words.

Now, sometimes I will help him apologize to Morgan and help him get the words out. But this was not one of those times. I knew Brendan (who suspected something was up) would not freak out and would react appropriately. Sometimes, when a child apologizes or admits something to another child, well . . . the other child can't necessarily be counted on for a rational reaction. But I knew Brendan could, so I wanted to give Ryan every chance to say the words himself and experience whatever it was Brendan had to say. With my support, yes.

Brendan came over and asked him "Is there something you want to tell me?"

Ryan hemmed and hawed and squirmed and teared up (I was practically tearing up myself, from sympathy), and just as I was ready to cave and say the words for him, he came through with "Dad, I threw the gel things on the ceiling. And I'm sorry."

I was very proud of him. They talked about what they could do about this problem, how to clean it up. And it was over.

Later, on the way to taekwondo, I mentioned to Ryan that he had shown some real integrity by telling Brendan what had happened. And even though he has learned that word for taekwondo class (he needed to know the Five Tenets to earn his yellow belt), he really didn't understand what it meant.

I told him that integrity was doing the right thing because you KNOW it's the right thing. And that even though he didn't want to admit what he'd done and it was hard to do so, he knew it was the right thing to do--and he did it. (Yes, I pushed him a bit, by refusing to say the words for him. But sometimes he needs me to do those kinds of things for him--it has been this way since he was a toddler. I wasn't trying to be mean, or to punish him--I was giving him a decent chance to do the right thing.)

He didn't say much after that, but I could tell the wheels were turning. He's thinking this experience over. Will he rip up the window gels and toss them on the ceiling the next time he gets his hot little hands on them (aka Cold Day in Hell)? Maybe.

But maybe, just maybe, he'll admit what he did a little more readily. We'll see. At any rate, I think this experience was a good way to explain the idea of integrity to him.

PD: One Word

This week, I'm going to focus on the One Word card from my Positive Discipline Tool Cards deck. (Yes, the card in the picture is "Jobs" but that's the only picture I have at the moment!)

This is a skill I really need to improve, since I have a tendency to over-explain everything--what I'm thinking, what I want, what I'm feeling--in a repetitive way that I'm certain is annoying to my kids (my husband loves it though, ha ha). Not only does it get on people's nerves, my wordiness can be ineffective.

Here's the idea:

"Avoid lecturing and nagging. Use one word as a kind reminder. . . . When agreements are made together in advance, one word is often all that needs to be said."

"Lecturing and nagging." Oh all right. Guilty as Charged.

I think part of the reason I talk and talk and talk and over-explain myself when I'm all heated up about something is because it's a stress reliever for me. When I read the book The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron, I was interested to learn that this powerful need to talk through feelings is a characteristic of highly sensitive people (sensitive in this sense doesn't mean being touchy or tender feelings--it refers to the quality of being highly observant and affected by external surroundings). I am a highly sensitive type. So is Ryan. So we talk--it's what we do.

But Morgan is not. And she is the kid I've been having the most trouble communicating with lately. We both get upset with each other, and then I talk and talk and talk AT her, because it's my way and it relieves my feelings. But all of that talking bothers her and overstimulates her and is a really ineffective way to communicate with her.

She'd much prefer that I get to the point already, I think. And isn't it kind of insulting to have something that you already know explained to you in a lengthy repetitive way? Yeah. It is. She doesn't need to know WHY most times--all she needs is a reminder.

And think of the time I can save myself! One Word instead of a paragraph! :o) So I think this One Word exercise will be a good one for both of us.

Also--Sean! Sean is in the process of picking up words. He's integrating concepts like crazy (it's so neat to watch a child's mind develop!!!!). We use sign language with him, which shows him a non-verbal way to communicate his needs and desires to us, even when he can't make his mouth and tongue pronounce the words he knows. But we of course, talk to him all the time. I talk to him just like I speak to everyone else--in complete sentences. But if I notice that he is interested in a particular something, then I take the time to get his attention, point, and then say the word for him very clearly. So I'm doing One Word with him already--in a different context.

In terms of discipline, I think the One Word strategy will be a logical application of how I'm helping him name objects. Because he doesn't need me to give him an in-depth encyclopedic explanation. He just needs a word (and help with an action, such as spitting out the LEGO or giving back the remote control).

And honestly, Ryan could probably do with a lot fewer words from me, too. :o)

Here are some examples from the card about how to apply this strategy:

• If you see a wet towel on the floor that needs picking up, say "Towel."

• If the dog needs food, say "Dog."

Hmmm....what are some situations around here that call for One Words?

• "Hands." For situations where a person needs to keep his hands to himself. I have actually said this in the past with some measure of success.

• "DVD." For when a DVD is left on the floor or being scraped across a hard surface or being licked. (Yes, licked.)

• "Plate." As a reminder to take your plate to the sink after eating.

• "Bathroom Door!" Technically, it's two words, but I think it's in the spirit of the exercise. This is a reminder to all that we need to keep our downstairs bathroom door closed, because Sean is just way too fascinated with the potty. Ew.
  

So we'll try it this week and I'll let you know how we're doing.

Eureka!

I've really been struggling in the last week or so with all of the different projects I've got going on, feeling very overwhelmed and stressed. I do not like this feeling. Not one little bit. (In case you were wondering.)

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about one of the most challenging aspects of parenting for me: the inability to complete tasks from start to finish. Even when faced with the quickest, easiest task in the whole wide world, it's often impossible for me to get a guaranteed completion WIN every time. I include such tasks as Completing a Coherent Thought, Getting a Drink of Water, and Walking Upstairs to Get Something.

I've been spending more time than typical in the last few days, thinking about my tasks, and prioritizing them. I'm still following the GTD plan (even though I can't find my book--I think I lent it to someone), and I use OmniFocus on my Mac Mini and my iPhone to help me keep track of the things I need to do. GTD is a great strategy and OmniFocus is a great tool, but I still lacked a sense of task completion.

But then I realized that perhaps I'm looking at this task completion thing all wrong. I think part of my stress has been coming from the fact that I have many Big Projects going on right now, and I simply need to revise my expectations of myself. And I know that I really do complete tasks--look at how often I manage to post something! But since I have several really big projects underway at the moment, I'm really feeling as if these projects aren't getting completed. Which is, of course, perfectly true.

So I think I've I found a better way to get that sense of accomplishment I crave. I will continue to track the things I need to do and projects using GTD/OmniFocus. And I will set myself a daily manageable goal to complete just one little task toward at least one of my own personal larger goals, and I will consciously mentally connect that little task to a larger goal.

I know. It probably sounds as obvious as it looks to me. Because it is obvious. Only, I hadn't been doing a good enough job of tying in my daily tasks to my Big Goals. And I noticed that if I think about a particular task--"Hey, this Little Thing here means I'm a little closer to This Particular Goal."--well then, I feel as if I've taken a big step forward, which is progress, which leads to--yep, you guessed it--a Feeling of Accomplishment!!!!!

I've been stuck in Forest Land for the last few weeks, dreaming big and coming up with grand long-range plans. The problem is, I forget to visit the Trees. Many people have the opposite issue of "can't see the Forest for the Trees." I myself tend to get stuck in the bird's eye view, and then flounder (to mix my animals a bit) around, not knowing where to start. To mix metaphors in a further and not-very-PC way--a good start to clearing a forest is to cut down one tree at a time. :o)

So I have a list of my big, leafy, foresty goals, and thanks to my GTD/Omnifocus habits of listing out trees to be knocked down . . . (I'm sorry, but once the metaphor got in my brain, I'm stuck with it for a while--I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!) . . . combined with my new mental exercise of thinking about my Larger Goal as I'm doing my Little Task . . . anyway, I think I can feel as if I'm making forward progress now.

And this will help me deal with my interruptions in a much better frame of mind. If I can do One Thing toward One Goal every day and you know, be aware of it!--and I think this is a reasonable expectation--then I'll be okay.

Here's to noticing the ridiculously obvious!

Limiting Myself

So much of the focus in the realm of child discipline falls under the category "Setting Limits." (Other categories might include "Communication/Negotiation" and "Managing Emotions.") Usually when I think, talk, or write about Setting Limits, I'm referring to the process of the parent setting a necessary limit for the child.

A recent example of my setting a limit for Morgan is when she wanted to jump all over the sidewalk outside a busy shopping mall, jumping toward traffic. I myself would have had a heart attack if I'd been driving a car and saw a small child jumping TOWARD the street as I was passing by. I set the limit by shooting out my arm reflexively, preventing her from jumping so near the edge of the sidewalk. (She got knocked down, too, which was not my intent--my arm had a mind of its own.) She stayed away from the edge after that!

I'm learning there's another way to set limits that is necessary (not to mention effective) in discipline. And that's when I set a limit on my own behavior.

Sometimes I do this by taking a Mommy Time Out, which is when I'm feeling really mad and verging on getting out of control (for me, this manifests itself in the Ranty Yelling that everyone is so fond of :/ ). So I'll say, uh, loudly, "I'm feeling mad! I'm going to go upstairs and sit in my room until I'm feeling more in control!" This really works for me--I can have a few minutes of peace to regain my composure, get my brain back into problem-solving mode (much more preferable to fire and brimstone mode), and models a good self-control behavior for the kids to boot. I'm getting better at using the Mommy Time Out, and I really don't need to do it very often.

But I'm becoming a fan of a new self-limiting technique: Deciding What I Will Do. When I'm frustrated with a situation--usually something with multiple occurrences over a period of time (spur-of-the-moment problems result in the Mommy Time Out self-limit)--I am learning to refocus my efforts on what I am willing to do, what I can control--my own behavior--as opposed to the kids' behavior.

We've been having issues with getting people all loaded up into the car to go somewhere. Now I usually do try to Find the Funny in these situations, but when I'm having trouble getting out the door a few times a day for several days, the humor wears thin and frustration bubbles to the surface. I begin to anticipate that we WILL have a problem, putting a chip on my shoulder about it before I've even uttered the words "We're leaving in 15 minutes!" (Not a good way to approach a situation where problem-solving may be necessary.)

About a week ago, after a Get in the Car problem was "solved" by my shouting "GET IN THE CAR!!!" I decided to get a grip on MY part of the problem. I actually sat down and asked myself these questions:

Why did I shout?

Because I felt like nobody was listening. Louder = Harder to Ignore, right?


Why is this situation so frustrating to me?

Because I'm repeating myself so many times and we really need to get out the door.


And the most important question: What is something about this situation that is in MY control?

The number of times I choose to repeat myself.

This was quite an epiphany. I do NOT have to repeat myself a zillion times and raise my blood pressure. Seems kind of obvious now. :o)


So what can I do to limit MY behavior?

I thought about this for a while. I decided that I will give up to two reminders. I will do my very best to make sure I have their attention when I give those reminders, but after that, I'm done.


What will happen as a result of this new limit?

It depends on why we need to leave the house. If I say my two reminders and nobody gets in the car, then an obvious result would be that we just don't go. And that is okay, if the person who is dawdling or resisting is the person we're leaving the house for--if we're taking Ryan to taekwondo, for example. If he refuses to cooperate, then he doesn't go.

But it's not fair to Ryan if he has to miss his activity when Morgan is the one who is refusing to get ready to go. In those situations, I decided that I would simply physically put the person in the car (kindly, without yelling or ranting) and we can stay in the car after we reach our destination to recover from the inevitable sadness.

Now when I am the one who needs to do something, such as run an errand, I'll have to evaluate whether or not I'd like to go to the store with one or more kids possibly having a big fit. If I think they will be able to recover from the indignity of being put into the car against their will, then I'll go ahead with the plan. If not, then we won't go. Not fair to me--no. But sometimes preferable to having everyone wigging out when I'm trying to accomplish something, especially if we're in a public place. I can express my feelings about it though. And if we are lacking in favorite snacks because we couldn't get in the car to go to the grocery store, then so be it. And we can always try again a little later, when everyone is in a better frame of mind. Do Overs are always an option.

So this all sounded like a good plan to me when I thought it up. I told Ryan and Morgan about my Only Repeating Things Twice Rule, explaining that two was my upper limit, not a standard (since I don't want them to get in the habit of waiting for that second reminder). They seemed to understand what I was saying about not enjoying losing my temper after being frustrated by constantly repeating myself, and that I was trying to focus on what I could do about that situation. (My Two Reminders Rule goes for other situations, too, not just when we need to load up in the car.)

My new plan was really put to the test the other morning though. Ryan was resisting getting ready for taekwondo, and they were really cutting it close in order to get there on time. The rule is that if any student is more than 5 minutes late to class, that student doesn't get to go. I've actually seen kids get turned away for being too late. To be fair to the students who are in the gym on time, they don't like for there to be interruptions that occur from late-arrivals. This is a rule that all of the students are quite aware of.

Well, Ryan was just fooling around over breakfast that morning and couldn't seem to get his uniform on. Brendan and his mom were going to take him, so I wasn't going anyway. I reminded Ryan once to get his uniform on, once, twice, and nearly a third time before I remembered my limit. WOW. Was it HARD not to say anything else! Brendan came through with a couple of other reminders--but that's up to him, how many times he reminds.

I did mention the 5 minute rule (that being a different reminder than the uniform reminder). I mentioned it only once to Ryan though. After that, I sat and squirmed and fought against my desire to do almost anything to make sure he made it to class in time. I was surprised at how much I wanted Ryan not to miss taekwondo. I knew he would be sad if he was turned away, and no parent enjoys seeing their child sad about something.

Still. I didn't say anything. They did get out the door and made it to class, barely in time. Now that I've had practice at not saying anything, and the experience of the overwhelming desire TO say something so that the kid will get what he wants, I think I'll be better prepared to keep to my personal limit and let the consequences fall where they may. I suspect he'll have to experience missing class at least once, and that will be hard, but it will be his decision and his responsibility.

It was a funny situation because I am usually so grumpy about repeating myself. When I'm in a Grumpy Moment, I really don't care if somebody misses something. But since I prevented myself from getting to the grumpy point, I had the opportunity to be all sympathetic. Strange feeling. So hard not to give them what they want and let them have what they need. [Insert Rolling Stones here.]

This thinking about my own limits has been a good exercise for me. I like doing it because it helps me focus on MY needs, which I sometimes forget to do in the shuffle, which adds to the grumpiness. And it helps the kids realize that I have needs. If I don't speak up and tell them "This is what I'm going to do because I want/need something...." then they will probably not realize that I even have needs or desires.

Because in their view--and this is only kind of a joke--I'm MOM, not an actual person. :o) Now I know the baby doesn't understand this distinction, having only recently grasped the idea that he and I are separate entities, but the other two are beginning to get that Mom-as-such is not who I am. I am Jenn, who happens to be their Mommy. I know it's a hard distinction and it may very well take each of them reaching adulthood to fully realize it, but they're not going to get it if I never mention it!

Now, shortly after I figured all of this Setting My Own Limits thing out on my own, my Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards arrived in the mail! If you don't recall, this is a little deck of 52 cards, each describing or defining a Positive Discipline principle. The Tool Cards were developed by Jane Nelsen and Adrian Garsia and are brand new. (I get nothing from mentioning these--just passing along the info!) The idea is that you choose one card about once a week and focus on improving that particular parenting skill. Not that you don't use other PD techniques, of course.

So I was flipping through the deck of cards and whaddya know? One of the cards is called: "Decide What You Will Do." The principle on the card is:

"Decide what you will do instead of trying to make children do what you want them to do."

And that's what I did! So this particular idea has been my parenting focus for the last few days. I think what I'll do is share with you which idea I'm working on improving, and talking about it a little bit on the blog. It will help me retain this focus, and since writing on the blog is a way for me to introspect about my particular parenting experiences, I think making this exercise into a semi-regular blog feature will serve me well. Because I have needs, too!!!! :o)

So--thoughts on the Setting My Own Limits thing? I have other techniques that will help us get out the door, too--using the kitchen timer as the Keeper of Time will help, for example.

Also, what about the PD Tool Card semi-regular feature? I've got a whole stack of cards with issues I certainly could improve on. What I was thinking of doing is sharing the idea on the card first, and then do a follow up post with my successes and failures.

And now I'm off to tackle the other things on my To Do list!

Objectivist Round Up!

Reality Talk has the latest Objectivist Round Up! Don't miss it!

A Happy

Here's a Happy for you:



Brendan and I have a longstanding agreement that if we ever have the chance to travel to Las Vegas, we'll renew our vows with Elvis presiding. Thinking something like this wedding entrance would add a nice touch to that occasion, don't you?

via one of my Facebook friends

Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival #48

Welcome to the July 23, 2009 edition of the Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival! We are happy you stopped by!

RECIPES!

Elana's Pantry presents Dairy Free Chocolate Chip Brownies - Gluten Free Recipes | Elana's Pantry posted at Elana, saying, "These delicious high protein gluten free, dairy free brownies are the perfect treat for any party (or Little League game)."

Alisa presents Chillin Out With Watermelon Lemonade and Icy Watermelon Cubes posted at One Frugal Foodie.

chupieandjsmama presents Steak and potato kebabs with creamy cilantro dressing posted at Mom's Food Allergy Diner.

LIFE WITH FOOD ALLERGIES

Shawn Elliott presents How to inject epinephrine posted at No Nuts For Me.

Ruth Smith presents When an Allergic Boy gets a Dog posted at Best Allergy Sites.

Nowheymama presents An open letter to Burger King posted at No Whey, Mama.

chupieandjsmama presents Learning to let go....just a little bit posted at Our Story.

ChristineR presents Open Wide posted at Corn Allergic - What I Reacted To Today.

PRODUCTS AND RESOURCES

Lauren presents To Die For: Turtle Mountain Purely Decadent Coconut Milk posted at Holiday Honey, saying, "Quite possibly the best ice cream substitute on earth."

Lisa Kugel presents I am Excited? posted at moonskitchen.com, saying, "A lot his happening at Moon's Kitchen, Boise" [RJ--A mostly gluten-free restaurant!]

Shannon Sweetser presents 5 Ice Cream Bars & Pops that Could Save Your Gluten Free Summer posted at Zeer Blog, saying, "Sometimes when you're living gluten free it's easy to feel like you're missing out on the things that you enjoyed as a kid, like a visit from the ice cream man. I've unearthed some potential gluten-free alternatives to old favorites we can all enjoy!"

Home Life Weekly presents Weekly Menu Planner posted at Home Life Weekly, saying, "This free weekly menu planner will help you to organize a weekly menu which can be used for helping to plan non allergy meals in advance for the week ahead." [RJ--this isn't specifically a food allergy site, but I thought this resource might be of interest.]

Alisa presents Churn Up Nostalgia with New Dairy-free Ice Cream eCookbook, A La Mode posted at Go Dairy Free, saying, "It contains a baker's dozen delicious and unique recipes, including birthday cake ice cream, buttered popcorn ice cream, and oatmeal raisin cookie ice cream. Gluten-free and soy-free options given."

Alisa presents Would You Like a "Safe" Local Camp for Your Food Allergic Child? Speak Up ... posted at Go Dairy Free.

FOOD ALLERGIES ON THE WEB

Maya Trimner presents A Very Warm Welcome to All You Food Allergy Sufferers!!! posted at Foodallergyfairy's Blog, saying, "This is a little bit about me. Please be sure to visit my site and check my blog often as I will update almost every day!" [RJ--A new food allergy blog! Welcome!]

Ruth Smith presents Introducing Panel Members and Prizes for #FoodAllergy Twitter Party 7/23 posted at Best Allergy Sites, saying, "Thank you to our Panel Members and Prize Donors for their participation in our second Food Allergy twitter party! Keep a lookout-more parties coming soon."

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of the Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival using our carnival submission form.

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page. If you're interested in hosting, please drop me a line at: rationaljenn AT gmail DOT com....

Technorati tags:

living with food allergies carnival, blog carnival.

In Which I Write about How Sometimes I Cook

Now, I don't often write about cooking, as I wouldn't consider myself a cook. I mean, I can do it, but it's usually under protest, following much whiny dealings at the grocery store, and I tend to fall back on a few old standbys (steaks/burgers on the grill, tacos, my famous cheese & pepperoni, etc.).

But back in March, I had an awesome cooking experience--I helped test recipes for my friend Jennifer's new amazing cookbook that has just come out! YAY!

I once had the pleasure of standing in a group of 5 or 6 people, snarfing down Jennifer's garlic roast beef just as fast as she could slice it. Grab a piece, dip in horseradish, eat, repeat as necessary. I knew the recipes in her book would be amazing, and I was not disappointed.

My neighbor and I tested the Father's Day Menu: grilled steak with yummy onions, a shrimp ceviche, and grilled peaches. Talk about fun, fairly simple, and SOOOOOO DELICIOUS.

But if you want the recipes, then you gotta get the cookbook (and other yummy things, too)! And while you're on the site, don't miss her wonderful tribute to Julia Child.

Also, you can follow Jennifer on Twitter, too--she's @foodphilosophy. Her partner is @ChefMark, who was ever so nice and helpful with the testing process. It was an interesting experience, helping out like a real Chef Peopleguy, and I'm glad I got to do it. Oh, oh! And my name is in the back of the book under the Acknowledgments section! I'm almost famous!!!!

And since I've learned there are but 156 shopping days left until Christmas (you heard it here first!), you might want to add this to your shopping list. I'm just sayin'.

Full disclosure: I signed up for their affiliate program, so if you click on the cookbook link above, I will benefit. But then, so will you. And so will Jennifer. And so will your friends. Really, I can't see that it's a bad deal at all. :o) In all seriousness, I would have written the same review either way. And now aren't you thinking about signing up for the affiliate program? I think you should!

LinkFest: Homeschooling, Free Range Kids, & More

Here are a few interesting links I've been sitting on for a while.

Judy of Consent of the Governed has written two very nice, reflective posts on the occasion of the graduation of their youngest child from their home school. Check out The Girl Graduates! and Homeschool Reflections.

Lenore at Free Range Kids has an interesting link to an article written by a woman who is getting grief from drivers passing through her neighborhood because her children are playing on the sidewalk in front of their house. The sidewalk is too close to the road, see. Also at FRK, an article about young lemonade entrepreneurs and their brush with the Law.

Jennifer B (@foodallergybuzz) at Food Allergy Buzz is hosting another Food Allergy Twitter Party on July 23rd! The focus will be on the start of the new school year, so if you have a FA kid in a school, don't miss this. If it's anything like the last Twitter party, it will be hectic, lots of fun, and chock full of great ideas and information. Even though my kids aren't in school, I may stop by and scope it out! We do participate in many activities where the environment is very similar to a school or camp situation. I'm planning to be a co-panelist for the Halloween Twitter Party!

Here's something for homeschoolers to keep tabs on--apparently 46 state governors have joined up to support the creation of common math and English standards. In other words--national educational standards. If this happens in the government schools, they'll be after private schools and home schoolers next. Mark my words. (Via Joanne Jacobs)

There's a new website for secular homeschoolers, called (amazingly enough!) Secular Homeschool! There's a blog listing, and they were nice enough to list this blog, complete with my spiffy new button created for me by my friend Jessica (thanks, darling!). So if you're interested in a good resource and discussion forum for secular homeschoolers, this might be a good place to check out.

Oh hey! I think I might have a name for our homeschool. It's not super creative but has potential--Rational Minds School. I like it because RMS is the homeschool acronym AND an acronym for my kids: Ryan, Morgan, Sean. I could be talked out of it though, should something more clever come along.... (hint hint).

Well, it's the Witching Hour around here, so I'll save some of my other links for another time. Enjoy!

Checking in from the Adventures of the Weekend

My mother-in-law (aka Nonnie) is here for a visit, and we have been having lots of fun with her. She is a favorite of everyone's, and even the baby (who views most non-parental adults with deep suspicion these days) has warmed up to her pretty well. We do have to re-introduce him to her each morning, which is cute.

So far on this visit, we have:

• Had a tea party of the big-hat-and-scone variety with Morgan and some friends;

• Watched a taekwondo class;

• Viewed the DVD from Morgan's ballet recital (I'm working on getting a snippet or two up on the FamBlog);

• Built things for Nonnie;

• Drawn things for Nonnie;

• Regaled Nonnie with lecture after lecture on battles, armies, "spinning" cobras, snakes, and sharks (guess who?);

• Taught the game 20 Questions to the kids and played several rounds of it (although Ryan's version of 20 Questions is that he gets to ask everyone 20 Questions apparently);

• Had "family band night" where we all sat around and played instruments and sang Beatles songs;

• Cleaned out the playroom;

• Had an "adventure" at the pond in which Morgan and Nonnie were surprised by about twenty rats with wings Canadian geese who thought M & N had treats for them (Morgan beat a hasty retreat and appears to be psychologically unscathed, for the time being);

• Demonstrated the new and quickly improving walking skills of Mr. Baby;

• Discussed Positive Discipline in theory and practice;
  

• Read stories; and

• Watched Dr. Horrible (she had never seen it).

Carpe. Diem.

She leaves for Chicago tomorrow evening, so we still have some time with her. On the agenda for today: chocolate chip cookies and hopefully the Harry Potter movie for Brendan and me!!!!

We're having a fun visit. How was your weekend?

She is Mine After All

My daughter is the spitting image of her Daddy. It's so interesting to compare Brendan's baby/kid pictures with her face. There are a few differences--her features are more delicate in a feminine way, and she inherited that one dimple that her aunt, grandmother, and great-grandmother all have. But she is so much her Daddy that people, especially my in-laws who remember Brendan as a child, are fascinated.

But she is like me, too. I was also a precociously early reader. She got my wavy hair. She seems to have my penchant for remembering dates.

And just now, she fell out of a chair from a sitting position. Yes, she's mine all right!

A Blog-Carnival-Iversary!

The Objectivist Round Up has been up and going for two straight years. I have to admit that there were times when it seemed very slow-going, but I'm so glad we all plugged away at it.

All of us who have worked on the carnival should feel very proud of this milestone! I know I do.

Here's to another wonderful year!

How Did I Miss This One?

Better late than never, I suppose.

Back in April, the Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan, said this (emphasis is mine, because it's so outrageous):

I think schools should be open six, seven days a week; eleven, twelve months a year.

Of course he does.

SEVEN days a week of butts in chairs would guarantee a need for more babysitters teachers, more buildings, more pencils, more books, more funding, more more more! Of COURSE this is what he wants.

And he wants them from birth, too (emphasis added):

. . . and $10 million for a Promise Neighborhoods initiative that would promote comprehensive programs that provide the support children need to achieve success from birth through college and beyond.

From birth . . . and beyond!

Of course.

I'd like to know what those poor kids ever did to him to warrant such vile consideration.

And not just those poor kids--MY poor kids. Because he'd try to get them, too, if he could. I cannot even begin to fathom what my life and theirs would be like if they were stuck in a school, away from my influence, six or seven days a week for 11 months out of the year. Kind of raises my blood pressure, actually.

This is exactly why it is vitally important to keep the Feds OUT of homeschooling. Yes, I know they'll work their influence on the state legislatures, and states might alter their home study and private school regulations under pressure from the Feds. But this is where the red tape of bureaucracy works for us instead of against. It will take time for such changes to take effect and we will have time to fight this kind of crazy nonsense.

The Juggle Struggle

In the comments of my recent post about how I solve my own problems with the kids, Amy asked two questions:

Do you ever feel guilty for working on the computer?

And:

How do you determine what time is all yours, and what time you will spend focused on the kids?

I responded very briefly in the comments with:

I don't feel guilty about doing my work, whatever that may be--writing or reading or even cleaning up or reorganizing. Everyone seems to have a healthy respect for WORK, and they know they shouldn't interrupt someone while they are working. Doesn't mean they always refrain--just means they know they shouldn't!

Because they are small though, I try to do schedule my work during the times when it is easier for them to do what I need them to. So, I don't sit down at 5:30pm (aka The Witching Hour) and expect I'll get much writing done.

But I wanted to write more about this, because it's something I struggle with. I Struggle with The Juggle.


My Main Job is Mommy

It is difficult to get a great many things finished--writing, thinking, laundry, to name just a few tasks--when kids are around. And this has been one of the hardest things (possibly THE hardest thing) for a typical Type A planner task-oriented person such as myself to come to grips with as a stay-at-home parent. Because when kids are around, there's a whole bunch of interruptions and unpredictability. You just never know when someone's going to blow out a diaper or throw up or crack his head open or start screaming at her brother or need to show you a drawing or need to pontificate about the American Revolution. At least, I never know when that's likely to happen, so I've learned to expect it at any time.

Back when I had a regular job, it was also often difficult to complete a task from start to finish, due to all of the interruptions and unpredictability, sure. I had meetings to attend and crises to handle and unexpected phone calls and at the end of a work day, there were many tasks not completed, left for me to face the following day. But generally, in a typical work day, I completed something. I made that phone call, or ran that meeting, or filled out an expense report, or something.

There are days on the Mommy Job when I feel like I haven't completed ANYTHING. Now this is, of course, not exactly true, because let's be honest--if we're all basically in one piece at the end of each day, then that's a testament to my productivity, yes? So I complete Mommy-related tasks all day long--diapers changed, questions answered (or discussed at least), hugs given. A typical day on the Mommy Job.


Making Time for Non-Mommy Work, too

But sometimes I'm left frustrated because I haven't completed anything ELSE--any Jenn tasks. Too many of those kinds of days turns Generally Genial Jenn into Mean Monster Mommy. Since I am happier (and therefore much easier to live with) when I get to complete Jenn Work, too, I do my very best to ensure that I'm able to do that most days.

The most important thing I've done in order to be successful at completing Jenn Work has been to revise my expectations--of myself and of the kids. Take writing on the blog here--I am happy when I do it. It's good for my mental state. I really enjoy writing something thoughtful and reading the comments that people make and thinking them over. It's so much fun, and has become integral to my happiness.

However, it is not realistic for me to expect that I can complete and publish more than one or two super-thoughtful blog posts every week. I know this now! Sometimes I exceed that number of posts; many times I don't. Yes, I would love to write something semi-brilliant every day, but I just don't have that kind of time. Some moms could do this--but I can't. I have accepted this fact and am much more content with my writing output.

Before I figured this out, though, I tended to get really cranky when someone interrupted my writing. Like REALLY cranky. I felt resentful, irritated, hindered, stunted. And that made me not want to do my other job, my Mommy Job. Or made it next-to-impossible to do it well.

Similarly, I had to let get go of the idea that I could complete ANY task from start to finish. Seriously. When I begin to do something, I must consciously say to myself "I may not get this done, but that's okay. At least I'll get it started." Those of you Type B people may be bewildered by this, but it BOTHERS me to have things half-finished. Like it actually makes me itch or ache or something.

When I take the time to remind myself that it's entirely possible that I will NOT get to finish putting stamps on just two outgoing pieces of mail, let alone be able to stand up and go out and put them in the mailbox, let alone be able to put the part of the bill I need to save in the filing cabinet--then I'm in a much better frame of mind for when I'm not able to complete that small little "put stamps on two pieces of mail" task.


Respect for Work

The older kids do understand about Work, and that really helps matters. They understand that they have Work and that I have Work and that Brendan has Work. They know that when someone is working that you should not interrupt them. They know that our grownup work happens on the computer quite a bit and that when I'm looking at my computer, then my head is filled up with my thoughts and ideas, which makes it hard for me to hear their words. They know that some work brings income and that some work makes things run more smoothly around here (like paying bills). Some work is hard and some work is easy.

Because we respect them when they are working by giving them space and not interrupting them unnecessarily (and doing it gently when it is necessary), they typically pay us the same respect in kind. But they are kids and make mistakes and interrupt me. It happens. I try to maintain realistic expectations about when they can and will be able to handle, and help them think of ways to handle themselves if they do need to interrupt me.

And now I'm teaching Sean about Work. Just now, he crawled on top of a picture Morgan was drawing. I offered him a piece of paper and a pen and said "Sean, that's Morgan's work. You want to do some work, too. Here's your pen and paper. Come on!" And he actually came over! I will only need to repeat that scene approximately 5 million more times before he truly gets the idea. :o)


Daily Logistics

We still ask them every day--sometimes several times a day--the question: "What is your work going to be today?" It gets them thinking and planning and scheming and lets me know what their expectations might be for the day. If somebody says "I'm planning to go to the playground," then I can try to make that happen, or set their expectations appropriately if it can't happen for some reason.

And I do try my best to accommodate reasonable requests. My work is important--and so is theirs. No, we can't go to Nonnie's house every day because she lives all the way in Chicago. But we can make sure to take a walk around the pond, or to watch a particular movie, or make headway on a certain project, or read a particular book. Yes, I CAN do those things, and it's easier for me to work those kinds of things into my daily plans if I know about them ahead of time.

Our daily work discussion also provides me with an opportunity for me to tell them what MY work is going to be. I will say "I'm planning to write today." or "We need to run to the bank to deposit a cabin check today." Later on, when I'm trying to get people to get in the car to run errands, it's easier for me if I say "Oh remember? This was one of the things I had to do today. We talked about it this morning." It may not make the kid get 100% on the plan, but at least it's not coming out of nowhere.

I'm still working out some of the logistics of balancing Jenn Work with Mommy Work. It changes from day to day, depending how people's moods and their developmental needs. And it's definitely more challenging when you add more children to the equation. Exponential is a word that hops to mind. Also, each kid's particular developmental stage really affects my ability to do Jenn Work. New babies require lots of time, but much of that is sitting down. Toddlers require lots of time--running around! Preschoolers and grade-schoolers require talking time and chauffeur time. At least my life isn't boring!


The Juggle

For me, juggling the Mommy stuff and the Jenn stuff comes down to setting appropriate expectations, both for myself and for the kids. When things get really lopsided, that's when I get cranky. If I haven't had time to write or read something for myself in a while, and it's just building up inside me, I'll talk to Brendan and we'll work out a time for him to take The People for a few hours, usually on a weekend. We also have Date Nights, about once a week or every other week, so that we can talk to each other in complete sentences. :o)

If, on the other hand, I've been too busy with Jenn Work, the kids get really cranky! When they simply can't seem to be able to leave me alone for a second, that's my signal to re-evaluate what I'm doing. Sometimes, I will realize belatedly that I've said "Just a minute" several times, and those minutes have really stretched out beyond their endurance. When that happens, I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt, because I have been neglecting my Mommy Work. So I stop what I'm doing and get going on that Work, which of course, is my primary job and generally is my higher priority and obligation.

And in this back-and-forth way, I juggle juggle juggle. :o) Generally, I'm pretty successful, but I'm always open to suggestions for other ways to manage this issue. Thoughts?

I started this post 10 days ago and was interrupted in the writing of it approximately 17 zillion times. And that's okay. :o)

Just Ask!

We attended a birthday party for a 2 year old last night. It was fun--although the bugs! Major downside of the drought recovery.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a very minor issue I encountered while we were there. One of the party activities for the children was to decorate their cake plates with stickers. Ryan was one of the oldest kids there--most of the kids were toddlers, so this project was great fun for them. But Ryan took this activity Very Seriously (to my amazement), and approached me almost in tears, because the Birthday Boy had grabbed his plate away from him.

I went over to the Birthday Boy and said, "Oh, this plate is Ryan's." And then I tried to take it out of his hands. Now why did I do this? Because in my head, I was still viewing this child as "too young to understand and/or be reasoned with."

Well of course he didn't let go, because what do toddlers do when someone tries to remove something from their sticky little fingers? They hold on tighter. Duh. I have had two 2 year olds myself!

I came to my senses before allowing this pointless tug-of-war to go on, and let go of the plate. Then I looked at the Birthday Boy and said, "This plate is Ryan's. Will you give it back to him please?"

And you know what he did? He gave it back to Ryan. All I had to do is ask.

I'm still kind of shocked at my own behavior, honestly. What was I thinking? Why would grabbing the plate out of his hand be the right thing to do? Now it might have come to that, had he refused to relinquish the plate, sure. But that shouldn't be the out-of-the-gate approach, should it? And really, I completely missed an opportunity to help Ryan ask the Birthday Boy for the plate back himself.

Moral of the Story: First, give kids a chance to succeed. You might just be surprised. :o)

Not Doing it for the Children

Couldn't have said it better myself. Ari Armstrong provided a link to this on Twitter. The outgoing NEA General Counsel tells it like it is:



POWER. He's right--it's about POWER.

Neat, huh?

Some Days I Struggle

Merriam-Webster online provides two definitions of the word obstinate:

1 : perversely adhering to an opinion, purpose, or course in spite of reason, arguments, or persuasion <obstinate resistance to change>

2 : not easily subdued, remedied, or removed <obstinate fever>

I have an OBSTINATE little girl.

"Really?" you may be thinking to yourself, "Not the sweetie-honey-cutie-honey-sweetie!" (That is her Daddy's favorite nickname for her--it's a Cutie Sandwich you see, with honey spread on both sides and sandwiched in between some sweeties. Yes, they are obnoxiously lovey with each other. :o) )

And I am here to tell you YES. Yes, the sweetie-honey-cutie-honey-sweetie. Oh hell yes.

Even many of you who know Miss Morgan in Real Life may not have seen this side of her very often, if at all. She's generally quite easy-going, about 99% of the time. But wow. That other 1% of the time--she is IMMOVABLE. Obstinate. And it's been very hard for me to keep my patience with her lately.

So this morning, I asked myself this question: What do I know about this child? And came up with the following:

• She is focused, especially inwardly;

• is very smart;

• loves to help out;

• wants to be left alone when she is thinking something over;

• wants to be left alone when she is sad or angry;

• has a good sense of humor;

• is easily overwhelmed by too much information;

• it's very difficult to break her outside of herself sometimes to get her full attention;

• yet pays attention when I least expect it;

• and she communicates a fair amount, but I suspect there is much more going on in her head than she chooses to let on.

Then I tried to find a tool in my Parenting Toolbox that would help me communicate and solve problems more effectively with her.

She doesn't care for role playing, because I think it's too private or intense for her. She doesn't like to discuss problems or solutions for more than a few minutes. She seems to want to get any discussions over with as quickly as possible so she can return to her own thoughts and pursuits. Distraction or changing the subject is out, because she is way too persistent for that.

I think what I need to work on is boiling down MY words (oh so hard to do!) to just the bare essentials. I need to ask her for her ideas, and I need to use more "playful parenting" to take advantage of her sense of humor (now where did I put that book?). And what I mostly need to remember is that she actually can't hear me sometimes and that the best way to get her attention is to touch her and get in her field of vision, and then just wait.

And when she's done being obstinate, she goes right back into Cutie Sandwich mode. I need to remember that, too! :o)

This post has been brought to you by one very frustrating week.

Starting Off Year 5 with a Bit of a Lull....

Thanks for all of my Blogiversary wishes! (I like that spelling best, I think.) Celebrating 4 years on the blog was just so amazing and wonderful, that I just, you know, stopped blogging entirely for a couple of days!

It wasn't intentional. We've had a busier than usual week--I even went to the grocery store today! Seriously, we spent Tuesday with friends at the pool (fun, but not conducive to blogging) and yesterday at the zoo (a few pics are on my TwitPic account). I think it's important to have fun in 3D Land on occasion, too. And then we had some of those pesky Technical Difficulties, too. Everything appears to be back in working order, though, thanks to my nice hubby. :o)

But that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about writing. I have! I have! I've got thoughts spilling out of my head and have even begun to wake up earlier than the rest of the house so I can have a quiet 30 minutes to myself in which to jot down some of those thoughts. Hoping to get a few hours this weekend to get going on some knock-out posts.

In the meantime, here's a Round Up of Things Going Through My Brain Today:

The latest Objectivist Round Up is at One Reality! It's #104, which if I'm doing the math correctly, means that two full years of this carnival have been brought to a close with this edition. Next week will be the official beginning of Year Three of the Round Up. Cool.

The latest Living with Food Allergies edition will be up at Go Dairy Free (I know it says One Frugal Foodie, but Blog Carnival does not seem to like it when I change that name--sorry Alisa!).

I'm reeeaaalllllyyy wishing I could have attended OCON this year. Here's a post from C. August, who is attending his first conference, that will give you a glimpse into what the experience is like. The event will be in Las Vegas next year, and Fort Lauderdale in 2011. I'm definitely in for the Florida event, and hoping we can swing next year. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm really enjoying those attendees who are tweeting their experiences using the #OCON tag! Thanks!

Both Stella at ReasonPharm and Gus Van Horn have touched on one of my personal irritations of late: the FDA protecting grown up people from ourselves by simply pulling drugs off the market because some people can't follow directions. Not trying to educate, or make the labels bigger or bright green or something--just banning the drug altogether. This makes me so seriously mad.

I've got more on my mind, but now I need to take care of some People Business (going for our daily walk around the pond for exercise and to look for snakes) and then get down to a bit of writing. I hope!