It Was 40 Years Ago Today . . .

. . . that The Beatles played their final concert, on a rooftop in London.

[Yes, this was important enough to warrant an interruption to My Official Break from blogging. :o) ]

I Think I'm On Break

So far in 2010, I have had two major trends in my life: I've been super-productive in many different areas of my life; and I've been sick off-and-on for a month.

Two things you might think to be mutually exclusive, huh? I'm just as surprised as you are!

First we had colds, and then Sean had pink eye, and then I had pink eye (with sooper-dooper designer drugs with a price to match, since I can't take just any old antibiotic eye drop), and then Brendan and I got this second cold that seems be really hanging around. :(

The thing is, I really don't feel terrible. But in the last few days, I've noticed an exhaustion that seems to stay with me (waking up for several hours in the middle of the night several nights in a row for no apparent reason might contribute to that).

And it occurred to me that if I just slowed down a little then I might actually finish recovering from this cold. My Type 1 Diabetic husband--who typically gets sicker, and for a longer time, than I do--is all done with it. But I'm not. I'm better, I'm recovering. But very, very sloooooowly.

Also, we get new floors in ONE WEEK! I've decided to try to rest for the next couple of days so I can get all the way better in order to work work work work all over again. It will help that my awesome mother-in-law will be here for a few days. She will do more than her fair share of kid-wrangling, no doubt, which will help me get the rest I need.

So I'm going to be stepping away from the blog for a few days (unless I just have some super-compelling thing to say that just can't wait), and do quite a bit of Sitting Around and, if I'm really lucky, Napping. I've had a pretty low-key day today, actually, and we have nothing on the calendar for tomorrow. YAY.

Reminds me of one of my favorite lines from the movie Office Space:

I did nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.

So, see you in a little bit, and have a nice weekend!

Objectivist Round Up #133

Welcome to the January 28, 2010 edition of the Objectivist Round Up, a weekly compilation of blog posts by Objectivist bloggers. For more information about Objectivism, the philosophy of Ayn Rand, author of Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead, visit the Ayn Rand Institute.

Very briefly, via the online version of The Ayn Rand Lexicon:

The following is a short description of Objectivism given by Ayn Rand in 1962:

At a sales conference at Random House, preceding the publication of Atlas Shrugged, one of the book salesmen asked me whether I could present the essence of my philosophy while standing on one foot. I did as follows:

1. Metaphysics: Objective Reality
2. Epistemology: Reason
3. Ethics: Self-interest
4. Politics: Capitalism

If you want this translated into simple language, it would read: 1. “Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed” or “Wishing won’t make it so.” 2. “You can’t eat your cake and have it, too.” 3. “Man is an end in himself.” 4. “Give me liberty or give me death.”

Let's get started!

Jared Rhoads presents The Massachusetts election posted at The Lucidicus Project, saying, "Some thoughts on the Massachusetts election, plus photos from a Scott Brown rally that we attended in North Andover, MA, the day before election."

Ottens presents The Impossible Joy of Sacrifice posted at Atlantic Sentinel, saying, "The recent disaster in Haiti has sparked a renewed wave of commentators to demand that men “sacrifice” for the sake of others’ needs."

Edward Cline presents Mencken, Islam, and Political Correctness posted at The Rule of Reason, saying, "Two months after the John Scopes “monkey” trial of July 1925, H.L. Mencken, writing for the Baltimore Evening Sun, took to task two prominent publications, the New York World and the New Republic, for castigating Clarence Darrow, chief defense counsel of Scopes, over his conduct during the trial. The World was infuriated by Darrow’s brutal cross-examination of William Jennings Bryan, the state’s star counsel against Scopes, an experience which humiliated Bryan and is thought to have contributed to his death later that same month. The New Republic objected to Darrow having made the issue of evolution vs. the Bible a national, rather than merely a local one, even though the trial was broadcast on radio."

Rachel Miner presents Tool Box: Contracts posted at The Playful Spirit, saying, "A tool that helped recognize my late toddler's need for choices, my pre-schooler's need to be heard, and set the foundation for positive problem solving with my kindergartner. I think this is a tool that can really grow with the child and help keep parents and children on the same side."

Jim Woods presents 15 Books posted at Words by Woods, saying, "Which 15 books that you have read will always stick with you?"

Cogito presents Focus, focus, focus! posted at Cogito's Thoughts.

Paul Hsieh presents Hsieh PJM OpEd: A Declaration Of Independents posted at NoodleFood, saying, "Politicians had better start listening to the independent voters who want "the Democrats out of their pockets and the Republicans out of their bedrooms". (This piece got picked up by both Instapundit and HotAir!)"

Ari Armstrong presents Coloradans Speak Out Against Obama Care posted at FreeColorado.com, saying, "Coloradans rallied against the federal takeover of medicine. Here are interviews of speakers and participants."

Jared Rhoads presents Hopping onto the Brownwagon posted at The Lucidicus Project, saying, "Republicans and Democrats both want to ride the populist wave fueled in part by Scott Brown's victory in Massachusetts. Can independents finally make it clear that they are for limited government?"

John Drake presents Long term trends look a bit gloomy posted at Try Reason!, saying, "I'm in a bit of a bad mood on this post, reflecting on the coming babyboom generation retiring in 10-20 years. There is still time, but its quickly running out."

Ifat Glassman presents Work, Games and self-esteem posted at Psychology of Selfishness, saying, "Why can games provide an emotional replacement for work? The article demonstrates the common psychological value of games and work: Self esteem."

Sandi Trixx presents Conscience of a Mediocrity posted at Sandi Trixx, saying, "A critique of some recent blogs by Paul Krugman."

Diana Hsieh presents No Kindles on Campus: All Must Be Blind posted at NoodleFood, saying, "Where is the justice in forcing colleges to abandon plans to use Kindles for textbooks because they're not yet fully functional for the blind?"

Edward Cline presents Three Horsemen of the Recent Apocalypse posted at The Rule of Reason, saying, "Democrats, welfare statists, ambitious censors, and People for the Un-American Way were dealt a triple whammy of telling defeats in a matter of two days."

Stella presents Review: Extraordinary Measures posted at ReasonPharm, saying, "Commentary on the recent film "Extraordinary Measures," starring Brendan Fraser and Harrison Ford."

Ken Barclay presents Greater Good, Lesser Evil posted at Ad Hoc, saying, "What's behind the cliche?"

Kelly Elmore presents Parenting Toolbox: Connection Before Correction posted at Reepicheep's Coracle, saying, "This is a parenting tool to help me prevent power struggles and yelling."

C.W. presents Bernanke's Confirmation: No! Err... Well....Okay posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "We have suffered significantly from the decisions that Ben S, Bernanke has made at the Fed. He deserves the steel-toes boot. Yet, I think we have to hope he stays. Obama's person would be worse."

Jenn Casey presents Old Enough to Know Better posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "In addition to removing the phrase 'Because I said so' from my parenting toolbox, I have removed 'You're old enough to know better.' This post explains a few of my reasons."

That concludes this week's edition! Next week's host is Reepicheep's Coracle.

Submit your blog article to the next edition of the Objectivist Round Up using our carnival submission form.

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Two Things

My friend Kelly went and got a trampoline, and we are planning to jump on it this afternoon. I told the kids that we'd need to pick up a bit around here before we left, since the mess had reached epic proportions, and I simply didn't want to deal with it when we returned. Originally, I told them that was the only thing I needed before we left for Kelly's.

Turns out, I need two things: some help picking up, and patience. :o)

Upon discovering this about myself, I told them I'd need to amend our agreement--help picking up AND some patience for me would be required before we could leave. The longer this takes, the less time we'll have to spend jumping.

Things that suck away my patience include: having to interrupt my work to make the teasing and shrieking stop, and being Repeaty. I am in control of how often I repeat things, true. So now all I am saying is "I feel Repeaty! My Patience is going away!"

I am getting the most willing, and least arguing, help from them in a very, very long while!

Old Enough to Know Better

I was at the mall the other day and overheard a mother tell her 2-3 year old: "Stop doing that! You're old enough to know better than that!"

I have no idea what the little guy was doing to prompt that maternal outburst, but it caught my attention for a couple of reasons: I have often felt just the exact same way as that other mom; I have actually said this on a very few occasions; it's related to the brain development stuff I've been thinking about since the PD workshop the other day.

Old Enough to Know Better (aka, You Know Better Than That) is one of those common parental phrases that I deliberately set out never to use when I became a Mommy, just like Because I Said So.

Old Enough to Know Better is kind of a silly thing to say to a child when you think about it. It presupposes a number of things, namely a mature brain and that a child's goals are the same as the parent's. It also presupposes that a child cares in some way about "acting his age," as if there is some magical 7 quality that 7 year olds ought to care about, or a 12-ish quality, or a 14-ish quality. It's especially funny when you think about saying this to a child who probably does not yet have any real idea about what age they are, let alone what age they ought to be acting just like!

Here's another reason it's silly--adults don't always follow this advice either. One too many brownies? An extra glass of wine? Staying up way too late when there's a big meeting at work, or three talkative children first thing in the morning? And speaking of work--have you ever seen a grownup human being throw a big ranting fit in a meeting or in front of a client? (I have.) Now we grownups are most definitely Old Enough to Know Better, yet we never admonish each other in this way. Why do we expect children to do things that many adults don't seem to be able to do?

Yes, it's silly--and I've said it. : /

• Don't you already know how to do that?

• What were you thinking?

• You're too old to act like that.

I always correct myself though. Usually with an "I'm sorry. Let me try to say what I mean in a different way. How about 'I have a problem with X. What can we do to solve it?' " In other words, I redirect my focus away from the Child who is Old Enough to Know Better and back toward the problem and problem-solving. Self-redirection. I like that.

When it comes to making mistakes or behaving irrationally, children are not culpable for this behavior in the same way adults are. So as not to be misunderstood--if a child does something outside of a limit, he should be redirected back within the limit, or involved in problem-solving.

But I need to remember that A.) they simply don't have mature brains, B.) they are allowed to explore the limits (aka, "testing")--in fact, it's developmentally normal and necessary, C.) they are separate human beings and often different people have different ideas about when/how/what/where certain things ought to be done.

I'm guilty of wanting to "check off" their accomplishments on a big list in my head. Walking: Check. Talking: Check. Writing Letters: Check. Doing Own Laundry: Check. Potty Training: Check.

I'm sure I'm not the only parent who has found that this list-checking doesn't work. Each of my children as toddlers would amass a large vocabulary all at once--and seem to forget how to climb the stairs or do some other physical activity involving gross motor skills. They'd learn to jump--and suddenly don't have as much to say. They'd be potty-trained--and suddenly feel the need to vie for Mom's attention because of the new baby. They'd show me that they can control their bodies (hitting or shrieking in inappropriate situations)--and suddenly they'd just start hitting out of anger.

And then I'd have to Parent that particular limit All. Over. Again. Sheesh. What a pain! I thought he'd already got control of himself! Why this hitting again? She was using the potty perfectly for months! WTH?

This is where I get caught up in the "He's doing this TO me." trap. I'm so frustrated at having to address this issue again, and I take it personally and become angry and then things like "You're old enough to know better than that!" slip out of my mouth. Then I self-redirect into focusing on problem-solving and/or setting and enforcing limits.

(This self-redirection is really REALLY hard to do when I'm extra tired, or sick, or pregnant, or PMS-ing or crazy busy--in other words, when I'm more focused on something else going on with me. Has anyone else noticed that?)

I work hard to keep in the forefront of my consciousness that I need to expect reasonable things from my kids, in accordance with their development--and that it's normal for kids to test limits and for them to backslide. That is the reality of children, and as such, the reality of parenting. Parenting is a process that must be done over and over and over and over until your brain melts they leave home. It takes a looooooooong time--about 18 years if I understand it correctly. (I think it takes even longer than that for the brain to fully mature--into the early 20s.)

Yes, it's certainly frustrating to have to handle an issue that I've already "checked off." But when I remember that it's my own fault for thinking it could be "checked off" in the first place, then I can handle the situation--well, if not with grace and aplomb, then at least in a better and more constructive frame of mind. In considering this more, the only thing I can come up with that has been safe to mentally "check off" on my list is clothing sizes. I can confidently declare that Morgan will never be a 3T again. I cannot confidently declare that she will use the potty today.

I've often fantasized about a magic pill or spell that would just take care of a certain problem already! Like in Harry Potter: Behavious Instantotem! Alas, magic isn't real. But there are many, many parenting techniques, so that's what I'm left with, and I have yet to discover any parenting technique--punitive or non-punitive--that doesn't require effort and repetition on the part of the parent. I have YEARNED for the perfect thing to say or do that would parent a problem right out of the kid instantly and permanently. Indeed, if someone could invent such a technique, they'd become overnight zillionaires. :o)

But the reality of kids just doesn't make this truly possible. Even for punitive parents, parenting is a long, drawn out, extremely repetitive process. To give a couple of personal examples: my husband and I were punished and hit as children--and we still tested limits and did things we were Old Enough to Know Better than to do. My husband would repeat the same transgressions over and over, knowing he'd be spanked. I was grounded and grounded and grounded--and I still did the same things for which I was grounded, only I became sneakier, so as not to be caught as often. (And being a teenager when this was going on, I usually made sure to accept my groundings with good graces and humility, providing my parents with the illusion that they were getting through to me, all the while thinking about the five other times they didn't know about for which I was not punished. How's that for sneaky?)

To sum up, I think I should focus more on acting my own age (!) and remembering that when I am tempted to say one of my kids is Old Enough to Know Better, that he's actually acting his age. :o)

Parenting Through Literature

The other night, I was driving home from a friend's house in some pretty serious Atlanta Traffic (which is nothing short of disastrous on a typical day). Morgan and Ryan were shrieking and fighting in the back of the minivan, and I was getting stressed out from the Noise and Traffic Combo. I was on the highway with no easy way of pulling the car over (my usual method of dealing with backseat distractions).

Knowing I had a difficult merge ahead of me in a few miles, I reminded them of the scene from Little House on the Prairie, where the family is crossing a creek in the covered wagon. The creek rose suddenly, creating a dangerous situation for Pa, who was leading the horses, and Ma, who was in the seat of the wagon. Ma told the girls to keep quiet and keep their heads down, in that stern Ma Tone of Voice that told them they'd better do what she said.

By the way, I've often yearned to have that Ma Tone of Voice, haven't you? And I can do it on occasion, but I suspect it's impossible for me to truly recreate it, since Ma and I have very different parenting ideas. I'm not trying to slam Ma, but she probably valued obedience a whole lot more than I do. (Also, I tried to find the passage, so I could quote it from the book, but I can't put my hands on our copy of LHOP just at the moment, due to our Floor Project and all of the rearranging of stuff underway. I guess you'll just have to find it yourself!)

But I digress.

So I reminded the kids about this scene in the book, and I compared our situation to theirs. It was a delicate proposition, by the way, because I wanted them to see my point, but also not to freak out and unnecessarily worry.

They were fine with the idea, and quieted right down. Once or twice, they'd forget and start up again, and all I needed to say was "Ma and Pa! Ma and Pa!" And then they'd hush.

The very next night, we were traveling again on the highway, this time in the rainy dark. Again, a somewhat frantic "MA AND PA!" got my message across very nicely.

So there it is--a new tool for your Parenting Toolbox, if you want it. Free of charge. And also, a nice book to share with your kids, if you haven't thought of doing so already!

And if you ever hear me scream "MA AND PA!" you know you'd just better hush. :o)

Some Good Things

In as-they-jump-into-my-head-and-out-of-my-fingers order:

Sean's been doing this for months now, but it's still so awesomely funny and sweet. Whenever somebody says "Who wants to go to the store?" or "Who's ready for dinner?" or "Who wants to go upstairs and help me with the laundry?" Sean gets all excited and shouts: "MEEEeeeeee!" And sometimes he'll give me a "Not Meeeeee!" He has such a little guy voice and it's super cute.

Also, Sean is a DANCER. There's a movie on the FamBlog (which I intend to update again in my lifetime, don't worry). Lately, he's added some funky hand-waving motions, and last night, an Elvis Pelvis move.

The Morgany Girl is finally FINALLY not balking at having her hair brushed regularly--and she's even amenable to pulling it back out of her face! Also, the other day when I was detangling a horrible mess, she didn't cry or whine about pain. When I turned her around to work on the side, I mentioned this lack of whining, thinking that I'd done such a good job of being extra gentle. Suddenly, she remembered that she was supposed to be complaining, and did some phony whining throughout the rest of the hairbrushing. Hmph. At least I know she's not truly hurting.

As she approaches her 5th birthday at the end of March, I'm noticing a distinct maturity about her. There really is something new and different around the age of 5, have you noticed? I remember that about Ryan, too. She is independent and engaged and imaginative and really enjoys a good pun.

Also, she's not a dog quite as often as she used to be! Don't get me wrong--she's usually a dog at least once or twice a day. But every so often, she'll skip a day. And her play is different, albeit dog-centric. Usually, she wants to play Pet Store. Sometimes she's the owner of the Pet Store and I have to go shopping for one of her stuffed animals. Sometimes I'm the owner and she's the customer. Sometimes there is a pretend owner so I can be the customer and she can be the dog that I buy. At bathtime, we play Dolphin Pet Store, and she's always the lucky dolphin who gets to come and live with me in my home. This child has been a dog for about 2.5 - 3 years now, and honestly, I'm welcoming the change in our play.

Speaking of moving up maturity-wise, Ryan is really growing up, too. He's been helping us prepare for our floor installation, and he is such a hard worker (when he wants to be!). He was so extra helpful yesterday that I wanted to do something nice for him, so I folded all of his laundry for him. And he was genuinely appreciative of the gesture, and pleased, and then . . . he doubled his efforts! He also impressed me the other day in handling an issue with Taekwondo, but I'll write that up as a separate post I think.

We emptied out the Music Room yesterday and it will become the Staging Area (see this note) for the laminate that Brendan will pick up from the store today. The wood needs to acclimate to the house prior to installation, and now we have a big old empty spot for it to go! Today, I'll work on The Computer Room. It feels good to finally make progress on this project. It's a Big Pain, but I know we'll be much happier when we get rid of this nasty carpet and dust mites. Any ideas about where I can get some throw rugs on the cheap?

Here are a couple new discoveries I've made that make life enjoyable and easier:

• Breve Lattes at Starbucks (thanks to Kelly!) It's like a regular latte, only they use steamed half-and-half instead of milk. Oh my. Also, fewer carbs I think.

• I've been cooking more regularly, partly because it's healthier and partly because it's cheaper. I've been buying packages of chicken drumsticks (12 large drumsticks for about $6) and it's the perfect meal for us! Everyone gets a drumstick (a problem for families with more than 2 kids!), and we all get the dark meat we love.

That's about it for now! Must get back to my busy day of floor prep--Brendan just left to go get the first load of laminate, in the pouring thundering rain--and football later (pulling for a Colts-Saints Superbowl!). Have a great Sunday!

Yesterday's Positive Discipline Workshop

I had such a nice time attending Jane Nelsen's lecture and workshop. I'm still processing the things I learned and the experience, but I have a few initial thoughts I want to write down before I get too busy with floors and children and my mother-in-law's upcoming visit and homeschooling and other projects (aka, "children") that will only serve to deplete my brain cells.

It made such a difference to see Jane in action. I only "know" her from her books and through a few interactions online. She is a very accomplished speaker, and she's FUNNY! Meeting her in person was awesome.

Attending the workshop helped me gain some clarification on what she means when she says that children primarily needs a "sense of belonging and feeling of significance." (Note: I can't find that exact quotation just at the moment, but I believe that is the way she generally phrases it.) Before now, I'd had one of those "kinda sorta" ideas about what she meant, but I couldn't quite identify the concepts behind those ideas. The phrasing sounded nice, a bit lovey-dovey, but I was unable to truly understand what she was talking about.

She said something in her talk that made me sit up and realize that these ideas correspond very well--and in fact, are pretty much the same as--the thoughts that Susan Crawford discussed in one of her lectures (I think), that children need to feel loved ("sense of belonging") and to know that they are important ("feeling of significance"). Again, I'm going from memory here--it's been many months since I most recently listened to Susan Crawford's parenting lectures, so please forgive me if I'm misquoting/misunderstanding here. (And Kelly was the one who reminded me about Susan Crawford's thoughts on this issue, so thanks!)

From their very first days, children need to feel that their parents value them. When Mom & Dad take care of a baby's needs (feeding, diapers, keeping him healthy), that's a way to show the baby how much they value him. And I think that when Mom & Dad begin to show the child how to take care of his own needs, with loving support, that's another way to show him how much he is loved and valued. From these earliest of interactions, a child will begin to feel that "sense of belonging" (to the family, to his parents) and that he is valued (that he will begin to feel "significant"). It is from these first feelings that a child's healthy self-esteem begins to grow. There is a lot of research that shows the opposite, too--that a child who does not feel loved or valued, who does NOT have his needs met--will often develop unhealthy self-esteem, a feeling that he isn't important. Anyway, that's just a few thoughts on this, that certainly could be expanded more significantly in the future, and with citations, too. :o)

What else did I learn or remember at this workshop? I was reminded about how critical it is to understand that children have developing brains. This is hard, because once my kids can talk, they can put on a really good imitation of rationality and understanding, that sometimes they truly just don't quite have, often through no fault of their own. Jane showed us Piaget's "Water Level Task," an experiment designed to demonstrate that children have differences in reasoning skills at different ages. (I learned through searching on the web that there are challenges to this specific experiment, but I've seen this idea demonstrated in other ways, too.)

The point is--the brains of children are constantly developing, and age is a factor in when they can grasp certain logical relationships. I can tell this with Morgan. She is pretty far ahead of her age-peers academically. Yet there are a few types of problems in her math workbooks that she simply doesn't understand--and they all seem to be related to basic logical deduction. In the last month, she has made some kind of cognitive breakthrough and is beginning to really understand these problems. Ryan, on the other hand, requires absolutely no explanation for these simple logic puzzles. Jane reminded us that children under the age of 4 years old simply do not process or understand reasoning in the same way that kids over 4 do (let alone at the adult level). As we head into Unknown Territory with Mr. Sean, and as Morgan is emerging from this stage, I'm going to keep this in mind.

I have a couple of personal action items that I took away from the workshop. The first one is to work on remembering to ASK instead of TELL. We did an exercise where one participant was pretending to be a child, and walked back and forth between two types of parents.

The Telling Parents said things to the "child" like : "Go brush your teeth." "Do your homework." "Don't forget to wear your jacket!" (I'm paraphrasing some of these, going from memory here.)

The Asking Parents said things like : "What do you need to do to keep the Sugar Bugs off of your teeth?" "What is your plan for doing your homework tonight?" "What do you need to wear to stay warm outside?"

Ask yourself--which type of parent would you be more likely to respond to positively? Yeah. Me, too. Not only are Asking Parents less bossy (a problem I have I've heard that others have, ahem), they are encouraging their children's independent thinking by not just handing them answers on a plate. So that's one Action Item.

The next Action Item is something called "Special Time." What this means is that you carve out regular chunks of time to spend one-on-one with your child. This is especially important when there's more than one child in the family, but of course it's probably a great idea for onlies, too. Brendan and I talked about how we are going to do this. A friend of mine and his spouse have semi-regular breakfast dates with their kids (I think they still do this). That's a nice way to get Special Time. We're thinking of doing something similar on the weekends.

Oh, and another aspect of Special Time is that younger children need it more frequently. So a child Morgan's age probably needs some every day. She's actually the reason I want to get going on this. I think Special Time would help both of us feel more connected, and would be a way handle some of my concerns of her being/feeling a little left out of things around here.

There's more, but those are a few of the main things I wanted to write down before they fell out of my head. I didn't get a chance to meet the woman who is teaching the workshop I've signed up for in March, which was a bummer, but I'll meet her soon enough! I did have lots of fun with Kelly and Ansley and met a few other nice people, too.

Brendan and the kids had a rip-roaring time yesterday, too! (Without such a supportive hubby, none of this would be possible. :o) ) It was a little harder on poor Seanie than everyone else, and they did have to stop by in the afternoon so I could nurse him a little (for the benefit of both of us!). But they had a good time, and they all were a bit disappointed that Brendan didn't stay home today, too.

Oh, and here's a funny! On the night of the lecture, Brendan was talking to the kids about where I was and what I was doing. Ryan said "Oh, yes, I know. She's taking a class on how to be a better parent." And then "She really needs it." :o)

And last night he asked me if I was now a Better Parent. And I told him jokingly, "Well, sure. But I thought I was a pretty good parent before this class, too." And he very kindly said "Oh yes, you were. But it's always good to improve!" That's my boy.

And in Other Carnival News . . .

. . . Erosophia has the new Objectivist Round Up! Good stuff! Don't forget to tell your friends! :o)

Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival!

Welcome to the January 21, 2010 edition of the Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival! I'm happy to host this carnival once again. We have a really great edition this time, with lots of great information for you. FYI--I had to do quite a bit of editing due to a Blog Carnival hiccup (I think), so if you sent in an article that you don't see here, please email me or leave a comment.

Let's get started!

Cara Ziegel presents My allergy safe banana muffins posted at Long Summer, saying, "I just started my blog and it's mostly home school . . but I also want to blog my food."

chupieandjsmama presents Food Allergy Misconceptions: True or False - WEGO Health posted at Janeen's Blog - WEGO Health.

Karen Blue presents School Lunches posted at Avoiding Milk Protein Blog, saying, "What are children eating in school, packed lunches less than good cafeteria food?"

Jennifer Kales presents Thriving with a Nut Allergy posted at The Nut-Free Mom, saying, "Reflections on parenting and living with nut allergies as my child approaches her 10th birthday."

Jennifer Ames presents What to do when your Food Allergic child has a party at School? posted at Live a Thriving Life with Allergies!.

Nancy Kohler presents Five Steps to Living Gluten-Free posted at The Sensitive Pantry, saying, "Introduction to an online article written for Jens Gluten Free Blog entitled Five Steps to Living Gluten Free."

Debra Legg/9to5to9 presents The 100 Days heart attack posted at 9to5to9, saying, "This post is about navigating one of the trickier things about school - the food-centered event."

Rational Jenn presents Still a Food Allergy Mom posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "This post includes a link to an Atlanta-based food allergy friendly bakery (yay!), and an update on how my son is handling his food allergy lately."

Food Allergy Assistant presents Allergy Shots Decrease Healthcare Costs posted at Food Allergy Assistant, saying, "Many people with food allergies also deal with environmental allergies. This study talks about the healthcare savings of allergy shots."

Lisa Newton presents Sulfites: Arrive Late To The Party and Linger for Days Like Uninvited Guests posted at Savings With Sadie, saying, "My story on sulfites. Sulfites: Arrive Late To The Party And Linger For Days Like Uninvited Guests"

Tony presents Food Allergies posted at Health Fitness Article Directory, saying, "Food allergies are funny things. I learned all about them when I was struck by food allergies which developed in my 20s. Turns out I’m allergic to eggs, broccoli, and commercially prepared ribs. The main symptom was stomach cramps that felt like a Charley horse in my stomach, except for the time when this progressed to all-over-the-body hives which then went into my throat, which started to close. My blood pressure dropped to about 70 over 50."

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of THE
Living with Food Allergies Carnival using our carnival submission form.

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

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living with food allergies carnival, blog carnival.

Excitement with Bonus Awesome Sauce

We had an awesome day today at our homeschool co-op! It's even more fun now that the weather is much nicer and we can play outside during breaks from class. Today I actually managed to be organized enough to bring our lunches, so we had a leisurely lunch (that was cheaper and healthier than going out, yay) and then the kids ran around outside for a good hour before their next class.

Even bonusier bonus: all of that good healthy lunch + running around in the fresh air = napping toddler!

Tonight I'm attending a lecture by Dr. Jane Nelsen! You may recall that she'd planned a trip to Atlanta back in December but couldn't make it due to illness. So tonight is the lecture, and tomorrow I get to spend all day at a workshop! I've never met Jane in person, so I'm very much looking forward to tonight and tomorrow.

Even bonusier bonus: I will be without children for A. Whole. Entire. Day. Can you imagine? Oh sure, I'll be talking about them and discussing Positive Discipline so they won't be far from my mind--but they will be physically far, far away from me, waaaaay across town! Not that I don't love 'em, but sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, you know?

I have super lots of even more excitinger exciting goings-on, too. For example--did you know that I am officially on the Floor Peopleguy Schedule? Two weeks from tomorrow, they're coming. (So if I disappear for a little while, you'll know that I'm cleaning out bookcases and deciding which toys to keep and which to donate.) Just imagine, in a little over two weeks, my house will look amazing (I hope) and be more allergy-friendly! And, if I do it right, we'll have reorganized some and decluttered, too.

So . . . you wanna come over this weekend and have a Red Wine Party (grape juice for the kids)? All you can drink, and no worries if you spill. :o)

Hope you're having as fun a Wednesday as I am!

Parenting a Perfectionist

So here’s a surprising development: Morgan has a perfectionist streak that is driving us both crazy!

Now I am myself what you might consider a Reformed Perfectionist, so I understand her feelings. I reformed myself though, when it became clear to me that my perfectionism—which I had always regarded as a good thing—was actually a paralyzing force in my life. If I couldn’t do something perfectly, then why bother even attempting it? Consequently, the things in my life—my job, the housework, school—were either Perfect or in Shambles. (This was before I had kids, which is as sure a cure for Perfectionism as anything out there. I’m glad I figured most of this out before they arrived.)

Allow me a few personal examples before I move on to Morgan. This is how my thinking used to go (and still does at times, but I’ve learned to fight it):

• Hmmm….I won’t have time to clean up the whole house, so I just won’t do any of it.

• Wow, it sure looks like fun to sing karaoke, but I’m afraid I won’t be super-great at it. Better sit this out.

• I am sure that the people on this project (for grad school) will not be able to write as well as I, so I will do the entire paper myself.

Results: Nothing ever got cleaned (although my perspective on that mess has changed quite a bit); I didn’t try new things that I might have enjoyed; I took on too much work in order to subject it to my exacting standards.

This is how I’ve changed:

• Hmmm…I won’t have time to clean the whole house today, so I’ll just pick up all of the big stuff on my way through the family room and tidy up the kitchen.


• Wow, I’m a little self-conscious about singing Rock Band into a real live microphone, and I’m not perfect about it, but it’s SO MUCH FUN, and really, I can carry a tune, so why not?

• I know that everyone might not do things The Jenn Way, but it’s sure nice to have lots of help, and if there is something that really needs fixing, I can do it at the end. (I don’t have too many group projects these days, but that’s what I’d think if I was back in grad school these days. This also applies to work around the house not done by me.)

See the difference? Look at me. And it only took thirty-some-odd years to figure that out. So you can probably imagine my eagerness to spread these wonderful ideas on to my kids.

Now back to Morgan. This child is working in second grade math workbooks (on her own initiative, not mine), and is melting when she gets an answer incorrect. If she tries a new video game and can’t figure it out right away--melt. She refuses to try to form lower-case letters because “I just think they look too hard, and I won’t do them right, so I don’t want to try.” Or she’ll take a half-assed swipe at making an a, not do it correctly, and then cry, “See? I told you!!!!! Waaaaahhhh!”

I try to reassure her:

• “Sometimes it takes practice to get better a new things. You practiced your upper-case letters and they look great!”

• “You are trying your very best!” (But I know that’s not truly reassuring—it sucks when your ‘very best’ just isn’t frigging good enough.)

• Why don’t you pause this activity and do it later? (As an aside, do all 21st century children use “pause” in this way? We don’t stop things, we “pause” them. We pause talking and using the potty and getting in the car.)

And she’s so stinking persistent. Sometimes she’s so determined to do the thing she can’t do, yet she can’t stop trying, yet she’s melting and freaking because she can’t do it, and she just gets caught in this weird Persistence-Perfection Feedback Loop. Spaz would be a good word for this phenomenon.

Ryan is like me, and has perfectionist tendencies too, but he and I are less persistent by temperament than Morgan or Brendan. Ryan and I just GIVE UP ALREADY, and never try again. Morgan, once she’s made the decision to try, has a difficult time giving up or pausing to take a break to collect herself.

I think the difference in natural persistence levels is what makes Morgan’s brand of perfectionism more difficult for me to deal with than Ryan’s. It’s also confusing to me, because the things she decides to be a perfectionist about seem random to me. Shoes on the wrong feet? No problem. Pants on backwards? Eh, no worries. Spilled an enormous bowl of yogurt all over the kitchen? It’s all fine and dandy.

But not being able to solve the question: How much is 1 quarter, 2 pennies, and 1 nickel? Complete disaster. And then I want to tell her—"You’re four. Relax. It’ll be fine. You’ll get it. It takes practice sometimes. How can I help you?" But I am unable to reassure her. :(

Actually, maybe it’s not random—she doesn’t care about perfectionism in the physical realm. She is supremely unconcerned with dangerous parking lots (sigh) or proper attire or whether or not she falls off of chairs. Maybe it’s more mental—solving math problems or being able to draw a picture that matches the image in her head or being able to recreate the perfect lower-case p with perfection.

Jennifer Fink had an interesting post lately at her blog Blogging ‘Bout Boys, tying perfectionist tendencies with giftedness (a topic which I’ve been thinking about, and a term for which I’ve yet to settle on a good definition). She writes about the stifling aspect of perfectionism, and offers some good advice, most of which I already try to do—let your kids see you try things out your comfort zone just for fun, let them see how you handle setbacks, let them see Mom and Dad as less-than-perfect. I especially love her rephrasing of the old adage “Practice makes perfect” into “Practice equals improvement.” Wow, could I have ever used that idea as a child!

So for now, I will keep reminding Morgan (and Ryan) of the things they’ve accomplished with practice, and keep offering my help, and continue to help them express their emotions. I’ll try to keep identifying “trigger” situations. I will let them see me try new things and fail (at new and old things—this part’s easy!). I will hug them and let them know that I love them.

I just wish I had the absolute perfect thing to say to her, to make it all better. And I know that such perfection wouldn’t be good for either of us, that she will learn through her struggle, and with our support. But the perfectionist who still lives inside me yearns for that perfect phrase. Sigh.

Still a Food Allergy Mom

It's been a little while since I've talked about our food allergy stuff around here. Don't worry--no big reactions or anything. In fact, I've got fun stuff to share! :o)

First and foremost, I'm going to be hosting the Living with Food Allergies Blog Carnival this coming Thursday! So if you want to send in a post that's related to food allergies* then click here. The deadline to participate in this edition is Wednesday, January 20, 11pm Eastern. Be warned that the edition won't likely be published until late on Thursday.

Next, I learned about a new allergy-friendly bakery here in Atlanta! (I got this link from our local food allergy email list, and I can't recall just who posted it.) The bakery is called Cake in the Box, and the cakes look very fancy and delicious. I especially love that they do wedding cakes--and this is going to be a growing market. As all of these food-allergic kids grow up and get married, they're going to want these cakes!

When we went to my mother-in-law's wedding back in October, the wedding cake wasn't safe for Ryan. My mother-in-law, awesome grandma that she is, bought some Cherrybrook Kitchen mixes and a mini-wedding cake pan, and we spent the two days before her wedding baking up individual allergy-free wedding cakes for all of the children in attendance at the reception. It was actually kind of fun and such a sweet thing, for it would have sucked to be the only kid there who didn't get to eat cake on that happy occasion. Still--how much nicer (not to mention easier on the bride) to get to eat the actual wedding cake!

I make my kid's birthday cakes, and I'll continue to do that (Cake in the Box is waaaaaay far from my house), but it's so nice to know that there's ONE place in Atlanta where I could go and just pick up a cake, no worries.

An update on Ryan--he has been doing fine physically lately--no reactions or even mystery hives. But he's getting to that next stage I've often read about--the "emotional processing stage" (for lack of a better term). He is hyper-aware of the allergy. He is hyper-aware of possible allergens in his immediate environment. These are Good Things. He's developing his own peanut radar, and that will serve him well throughout his life.

But he's also hyper. Any possibility of a peanut anywhere near him and he . . . well, let's just say he takes it seriously, he takes it hard, and he takes it personally. As in "Look! That kid has a PB sandwich! Is he trying to kill me?" Which is what he asked me at the playground the other day. (Fortunately, the child and his mom didn't hear him ask this question.)

When Morgan and their friend came out of Egyptology class on the first day, with wrapped chocolate "coins" received from their teacher, he got really upset. Even though Morgan told the teacher about her brother's allergy, refused to eat the chocolate, and willingly handed the candy over to me to protect her brother (sweet, sweet child--and their friend kindly didn't eat the chocolate near Ryan either). I had a talk with the teacher, and she seemed understanding, and Morgan knows that she shouldn't be eating food in that class. It's not that she couldn't--but I am worried about residue (she is not the tidiest of eaters by a long shot), and right now this is such a touchy subject that should Ryan have a contact reaction that could be traced back to Morgan . . . oh jeez, the mind boggles. I don't care if she eats peanuts or peanut-containing foods, but I need to be aware of when and where it happens, and it needs to be under the supervision of someone I know and trust to help her clean up properly.

When he becomes upset about peanuts that may (or may not) be near him, such as on the playground, or at homeschool co-op, I do my best to reassure him. I try to tell him not to worry, name specific things we can do (like walk away or not go into a certain area), and I remind him that we have his Epis. My recent attempts to tell him that "I'm not worried about this." were misinterpreted. Instead of getting "Mom's not worried about this because we can handle this." he takes this as "Mom's not worried because she doesn't care and is not taking this seriously and it's my LIFE!"

So I've switched from "I'm not worried about this particular peanut thing." to "I'm confident that we can handle this particular peanut thing." That seems to have helped. It's interesting, the change. Mom not being worried used to comfort him. But I think it's indicative of him taking on a little more of the responsibility for his allergy.

Mom doesn't take this seriously. I wonder if he will ever know. I hope he will.


*Food allergies, people! Not: nursing school or fad diets or x-ray techs or fitness or penguins or chewing gum or space shuttles or dogs or Disney parks or anything else!!!! I will take vegan recipes, though. :o)

Recent Adventures in Negotiations and Optional Values

Ryan and I recently had a round of successful negotiations that I thought I’d share here on the blog for a couple of reasons. First, it was a good experience all around (although painful at times). Second, the way I handled this situation was different from how my parents handled similar situations with me.

The issues that needed negotiating was his participation in Taekwondo. Prior to our negotiations, this was our TKD situation: Ryan attended regular class on Mondays and Wednesdays, sparring on Thursdays, and an All-Belts class on Saturday mornings. For several months, this was our schedule and it seemed to be working out just fine all around.

Beginning in mid-December, Ryan began to balk about going. Maybe balk isn’t the best word. Often what he’d do is act all excited about TKD when I reminded him that it was part of our schedule on a particular day, and then when it was time to get ready to go, he’d whine and stall and complain about having to go. Often, I’d have stopped my own work to prepare myself, Morgan, and Sean to go sit at his class, including dressing people, feeding them a quick snack, and packing activities in my Mommy’s Bag of Tricks (aka, the diaper bag) to keep the younger two occupied. (It’s not a drop-off situation for a few different reasons.)

So after I’d gone through a whole bunch of effort to get everyone else ready for his activity, it was really annoying to have to fight to get Ryan into his uniform and out the door. Really. Annoying.

The holidays afforded us with a break from the normal schedule, and I thought that break would be a good time to reset the old focus and return to the previous level of enthusiasm. Also, he had a belt test coming up the first week of January, and I’ve found that he and his fellow students get really pumped when they know a test is near, because everyone wants that next belt. But the week of the test was just as big of a struggle as ever.

We had a problem. I did my best to explain my point of view to him, but he just wasn’t getting it. I asked him a few times if he wanted to drop or take a break from TKD, and made sure he knew that that would be fine with me. His answer was invariably “no.” He told me over and over that he wanted to do TKD, that he wanted to go to every single class, that he still liked this activity. But then he’d fight me going out the door.

I endured this during the week of the belt test, because he and I both wanted to see him reach that goal. But I made it clear that after his test, we’d need to have a big discussion about TKD and the problems we were having.

I’d been worried about burn-out, but he kept on insisting he wanted to continue, and indeed he always seemed to have fun in class and not to regret having gone. So I took him at his word; he wanted to continue. But something Kelly said (thank you!) made me remember that he’s a kid, and doesn’t necessarily understand the feeling of needed to take a break from a beloved activity. He doesn’t get that sometimes you can stop doing something you really like for just a little while and return to it later. That sometimes when you go back to it after a nice break, you love it even more. Or sometimes you don’t and realize you’d rather do something different with your time. Thinking more about it, I realized that he probably WAS on the edge of burn-out, and just didn’t know it because he’s seven and doesn’t even know what burn-out is.

So after the belt test (which he passed, and is now a Blue Belt!), we discussed the matter. It took several discussions over several days, partly because he’d get really upset and want to stop talking about it. But we got it all worked out. I can’t recreate the discussions because of how they occurred, but I can share with you the main points for me and for Ryan, and our agreement.

My Points (in no particular order):

• It’s okay with me if you want to take a break from TKD, or to drop it all together.

• It’s okay with me if you want to do TKD all the time and earn your Black Belt one day.

• It’s not okay with me to expect to go on a given day, and then have you change your mind at the last minute and fight with me. This makes me feel angry, because it’s not fair to me or my other plans.

• It’s also not fair to your sister and brother, for them to stop what they’re doing in order to get ready to go to your activity, and then have to endure the fighting and stalling (and grumpy Mommy), often while strapped into their carseats. (This mostly applies to Morgan, but sometimes Sean is napping and I have to wake him up to get to TKD.)

• Mr. H. really only expects you to attend the Monday/Wednesday classes regularly. Sparring and the Saturday classes are optional. (Incidentally, there is no increase in cost to me if he attends the extra classes. I pay a flat fee each month, plus a testing fee when the tests happen.)

• Mr. H. knows that sometimes a kid needs to take a break from TKD, and kids do that all the time at this school, and I gave examples.

• I don’t mind paying for TKD, or taking you to your classes, or getting myself and the others ready to go. I love you, and I’m happy to help you pursue activities that you enjoy.

Ryan’s Points

• Sometimes I don’t want to go.

• I do feel tired of TKD sometimes, and I also don’t want to stop the things I’m doing at home to go to class sometimes.

• Maybe I do need a break, but I don’t want to stop it completely.

• I am happy to be a Blue Belt, and want to earn my High Blue Belt.

• I want to keep going to class, because I want to earn my Black Belt one day.

• I like Mr. H. and I have friends in class who I like to see.

• TKD is fun.

It took, as I said, a few days of discussion, but it was so worth it because he did recognize that he was tired and needed some kind of a break. At this point, I made some suggestions for possible plans. He could:

• Stop going to TKD for a month or two and pick it back up in the spring.

• Cut back on the weekly schedule.

• Drop TKD altogether.

• Keep going on the regular schedule.

We also discussed pros and cons of each option. I told him that if he took a longer break, that Mr. H. would honor his belt when he returned (he’d been worried about that). If he took a long break or cut back his schedule, it might take a little longer to get the skills necessary to test for High Blue. If he dropped TKD altogether, or cut back, he might have more extra time to pursue something else that he might enjoy.

At first he wanted to keep going on the regular schedule, but I reminded him that I was unhappy with this, and that he also had just told me he needed a break. So that plan was probably not going to be the best one.

He ended up deciding to cut back his schedule—sort of. What we agreed on is that he would attend the Monday/Wednesday classes since those are the “official” ones that Mr. H. likes his students to attend regularly. So unless he’s sick or something, Ryan will be there on Mondays and Wednesdays.

But he didn’t want to drop sparring or the Saturday class entirely. So what we agreed on was that Thursdays and Saturdays would be optional for him, and that he would make his decision on those days about attending those classes in plenty of time for me to make my plans. So, no changing his mind at the last minute.

I needed something a little more than just a new schedule though. Mostly what I need here is some Not Arguing from him when it’s time to head out the door, especially when he has been so insistent that this is an activity he’d like to pursue. So he agreed that he’d stop fighting and stalling when it’s time to go to class. And he knows that if he starts doing that again, we’ll need to revisit our agreement, and quickly.

Last week went swimmingly! No fussing, no arguing, no stalling. It helped that he received his Blue Belt on Monday. We’ll see how it goes over the next few weeks, but the way things went last week was a refreshing change for the better! Ideally, things will stay that way, but if they don’t, we’ll revisit our discussion and come up with a new plan.

Now, some of you might be wondering why I didn’t just say “You’re going to TKD according to whatever schedule because I’m paying for it.” or “Okay, you’re done with TKD for now.” and be done with it. That is how many parents might handle such a situation, including my own.

The simplest answer is that I want him to be in charge of pursuing his own optional values (to the extent possible). He is, through no fault of his own, dependent on us for the money to pay for some of these extracurricular activities, and he needs a ride, too. Those two things simply cannot be helped. When he is old enough to really earn his own money and drive himself places, then I won’t need to be involved at all [insert blissful daydreaming here]. But that can’t happen yet; so he needs my help in pursuing his values.

As a parent, I really want to help him discover his interests and to pursue them—honestly, it’s a fun part of the job!--as long as I do not have to sacrifice a higher value of my own in order to do so. So if he wants to take a class that sounds interesting to him , and we have the money to pay for it, and I have the time, availability, and desire to help him get to the activity, then we’ll do our best to make it happen.

If the activity costs too much money, I would not break our budget (sacrifice) to send him. If attending the class involves undue hardship on me or his siblings, involving a long journey that disrupted Sean’s naps too often only to have us sitting in a terrible waiting room with nothing for Morgan to stay occupied with (for example), we would not make that sacrifice either.

I also think that if the child is free to pursue some of these activities, then he ought to be able to say when he wants to discontinue that pursuit. This was something very difficult or impossible for my parents to do. I continued gymnastics way beyond when I wanted to stop because they told me (in words and actions) that I owed it to them. They’d put so much time and money into helping me learn gymnastics, they wanted to see me compete in meets. “College scholarship” was a phrase I heard more than once (I was in 5th grade at this point). It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to compete. Not once. Not ever. I asked to quit, or skip the competitions, and was refused. It got to the point that I would fail to tell them about upcoming competitions, hiding or “losing” the notices so they wouldn’t know about the extra practices I’d need to attend in order to get ready. I pretended to be sick and injured many, many times, so that I could skip class. Eventually, they caught on and I was allowed to stop, but I always felt so guilty about having lied to them in order to get what I wanted. (I don’t feel guilty about that now, by the way.)

So it really is okay with me if Ryan decides to take a break from TKD, or even quit it entirely. It is his value; his decision. As long as there is no sacrifice on my part to getting him to this activity, and as long as my time and effort is repaid with kindness (no rude arguing) and consideration for my time, then I will take him. One thing I tried to make very clear to him is that he is not obligated to keep up with this activity—and I am not obligated to take him and pay for it either. That I want to do this because I love him and want him to get practice in learning how to value (I didn’t quite phrase it that way to him) and because I could tell he enjoyed it, and that I like seeing the people I love best doing things they enjoy.

When the pursuit of this activity begins to feel like a sacrifice for either of us, then that’s a signal we need to rethink it, and try to work out a plan that’s acceptable to both of us. I don’t want to take the decision-making process completely out of his hands by swooping in and making a Mommy Decree: “You will go!” It’s good practice for him (and me) to work through conflicts of interest in a rational way, to negotiate so that each party gains a benefit and is not sacrificing a higher value.

By the way, not only am I not sacrificing anything to take him to class, I get some benefits, too. What do I get out of watching him in TKD class? I enjoy watching him do all of his moves. I marvel at the sheer number of different things he knows how to do. I’m impressed at his skill. I smile at his pride when he nails a kick or a punch. I also get the benefit of a Ryan-who-has-had-rigorous-physical-activity, who generally is a much nicer person than Ryan-who-has-not-had-enough-rigorous-physical-activity.

But mostly, I get a thrill from watching my kid pursue a value he enjoys, to know that he is learning how to value, that he is learning about himself. And I know that ultimately it may not matter whether he stays in this sport or not. The experience he is getting from being in charge of this value pursuit is the lesson of a lifetime.

OGrownups Update

It’s been a while since I’ve provided any sort of status update for the OGrownups list, which I co-manage with my pal C. August. The list started up back in early August, and is one of Diana Hsie'h’s Olists, which are specialized email discussion lists for Objectivists.

From the homepage:

OGrownups is an informal mailing list for Objectivists interested in raising and educating children well. Its basic purpose is to facilitate discussion about child development, discipline techniques, education methods, parenting resources, and more.

Any Objectivist interested in polite and practical discussion about raising and educating children rationally may participate in OGrownups -- including parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, caregivers, and friends. Any Objectivist considering parenthood is also welcome to subscribe and post. Moreover, non-Objectivists are welcome to subscribe to the list, but only as lurkers; they cannot post.

 

As of this writing, we have 183 members! Recent discussion topics have included: childbirth options, choosing a homeschooling curriculum, discipline issues, nutritional issues, holiday traditions, and much more.

 

To apply for membership to our list, click here and fill out the form. Be sure to answer both membership questions, and indicate if you would like to lurk or post.

Things About Today

We are having a rocking-good day! Wanna know why?

• Ryan talked nonstop for 97 minutes. I timed it.

• We had a lovely errand excursion--three stops, including gas station, bank machine, and three stores. No melting, lots of leisurely browsing (which is hard for me to do personally), no unnecessary purchases!

• I've been pretty productive in general, which is surprising to me considering I'm on Day Two of Crappy Sleep, brought to you by Boy of Snot.
  

• It's 53 degrees today! :o) The older kids went out and made some Vitamin D the old-fashioned way.
  

• We have a babysitter coming tonight!

Conversation of the Day:

A woman stopped me while we were shopping around Super Target to ask, "Did I just hear your son use the phrase 'reconnaissance mission plan'?"

This was during the marathon talking thing, and I have to admit that I'd not been listening because sometimes I'm not really interested in detailed plans about Remote Control Airports and Battle Plans to Keep Bad Guys away from the Remote Control Airport--yes, I said 'Airport' spaced out there a bit while making sure Morgan didn't wander off, browsing for a jacket for Sean, and trying to prevent him from climbing out of the shopping cart.

But knowing my son, I answered in the affirmative, "Yes. Yes, you did."

She just muttered something about "Wow." and "So smart." and "Probably going to run a business one day." And I smiled and said "Yup." or "Thanks." or something equally banal. (By the way, what do you say to comments like that anyway?)

Anyway, it was funny, because I'd forgotten that "reconnaissance mission plan" might be words you don't normally hear every day like I do at Super Target.

Carnival!

Hey hey hey! Don't forget to stop by Titanic Deck Chairs to see the latest edition of the Objectivist Round Up!

By the way, I'm hosting the Living with Food Allergies blog carnival next Thursday! If you are interested in participating in that, send your posts to this link.

More Homeschooling (Plus Bonus Funny Interlude!)

Back in December, I wrote a longish post about many of the things we do as "school" here at home. Despite the length of that tome, I find I have more to say. Actually, I'm reflecting on a few things, so this post may be less descriptive and more, uh, reflecty than the other one.

So here's how today happened. We were supposed to go run errands, but after being awake for 30 minutes, I realized that it just wasn't happening today. So we hung out in the morning, worked on Flat Ryan for a while, got some arguing housework done, and I worked for a bit on some email.

Then I came to, and realized that Ryan was reading a book about the Trojan War, called The Trojan Horse: How the Greeks Won the War. Out Loud. To Me. This was such a surprise that I actually posted it to Facebook! :o) And so today was the day that Ryan read a six-chapter, 47 page book out loud to me. He DELIGHTED in this activity, and I did my best not to let my surprise be too apparent. Every once in a while, he'd pause and do a dramatic re-enactment of some important bit of plot, cackling with delight about those tricksy Greeks and the poor, trusting Trojans (Ryan likes a winner). It took him an hour and a half, but he read the whole thing, including going back to the very first page and re-reading it, since he'd skipped that page originally for some reason.

So that was fun. And a good chance for me to see how well he reads. He's always been reluctant to read out loud, and it's usually a big fight. I've long suspected that he reads better than he's let on, but it's hard to tell just what a person's skill level is when he needs to stop and argue and whine about it every five seconds. So I got a true chance to observe him today. He is better than I'd given him credit for (and has some stamina, too!). The book is listed by the publisher for Grades 2-4, and he handled it very well, fluently, and with inflection. I had to help him with words like suspicious and warriors and extraordinary, as well as the pronunciation of the character names (Agamemnon is hard to say!). I did not have to help him with words like wonderful and disobeying and succeeds.

By the way, this was an excellent book, too. It was very descriptive, and touched on Odysseus and Homer and Schliemann, too. Nothing about Achilles, but the focus was on the Horse, so I suppose that's okay.

So I feel . . . what? Pride? Happiness? Relief? Yes, all of those things. Even though I am confident in my ability to ensure that The People learn stuff, and I know that they are normally developing bright kids, I was a little surprised to discover that little nugget of doubt there in my brain. Huh. So, there's that thing.

All the while this reading was going on, Morgan was on the computer, drawing pictures and bemoaning the fact that we are out of printer toner (a happenstance for which she is in no small part responsible). Sean was trying to "help" M on the computer, and things were really crazy there for a while. Allow me to share a taste:

Ryan: read read read "AGH!!! Mom! Help me with this word!!! It's w-a- "

Morgan: "MOOOOOOMMMM! Sean stole the ball out of the trackball mouse and threw it down the cat door!!!!!"

Sean: Screams with sadness, because he had indeed thrown the ball to the trackball mouse down into the basement via the cat door, and is now suffering acute separation anxiety.

Me: Runs downstairs to retrieve the trackball, fixes the mouse, gets Morgan back up on her screen (because somehow she'd managed to close the browser, despite lack of trackball), scoops up Sean and goes back to the family room, only to find . . .

Ryan: "MOM! I said it's 'w-a-r-r-i-o-r' ! I can't figure it out! AAAGGGGHHHH!"

Me: "Okay, 'chunk' the word (a term we got from Starfall). What's 'w-a-r'?" while running after Sean who has now decided to sit on top of the cat. I disentangle cat from toddler, only to be summoned by . . .

Morgan, who is now crying: "But I WANT the printer to print! It's not FAIR! I want to print a snowflake for Daddy!" And so I explain to her that we will need to buy more toner at the store, and isn't it a good thing that we have a two-page-maximum rule now (a recent development), and give her a hug, only to hear . . .

Sean: CRASH! BOOM! BANG! Evidently he tried to do a triple-gainer off of the ottoman and has suffered his third head injury in as many days. I run to comfort him, only to encounter . . .

Ryan: "WARRIOR! Mom, it's WARRIOR right?!?!?! Okay, so anyway . . . " read read read

So you can probably see why this homeschooling stuff is really taking up a lot of my time lately. But things are getting easier, a little easier all the time (Sing it with me: 'Can't get no worse!' Sorry...too much Beatles Rock Band lately). Truly, Sean is still fairly distractable, but he has made it CLEAR that he intends to be a part of the things that the Big Kids are doing. I've had minor success with giving him a workbook and a crayon, and also Morgan is generally willing to read out loud to him. But our "school" activities are taking up more and more time in our day, and it's just not feasible to try to squeeze in everything during his naptime. Hmmmm....so I definitely need to work on that.

Morgan. She is not shy about reading aloud. She doesn't like to do it very often, but she'll usually humor me if I ask, which is nice, because she's a kind little thing who likes to humor her Mommy on occasion. And then I'm not left wondering how she's doing, so yay! for that. And she's doing very well. She reads better than Ryan at this point, which is saying something since she's still technically a preschooler.

Somehow, and I'm not at all sure how this happened, Ryan and Morgan have yet to compete about reading and school-y work in general. Ryan does not seem jealous that Morgan reads better than he does. Morgan does not make a big deal of it (not that she'd be inclined to temperamentally, I think). Sometimes when they're playing together (or if they have a friend over), and there's reading required, Ryan or the friend will say "Morgan's good at reading. What's that say, Morgan?" And Morgan will read the instructions for the game and then they'll all go on their merry.

I am so glad that this has worked out the way it has, because my siblings and I were ultra-competitive. It didn't help that I was the oldest (by 2.5 and 3.5 years) and that I'm by nature a competitive person. So my sister, less competitive by temperament and 2.5 years behind me through absolutely no fault of her own, always felt as if she didn't measure up. :( I only fully appreciated the impact that stuff had on her, and to a lesser degree our younger brother, when I was all grown up.

So I am happy that Morgan doesn't gloat and that Ryan doesn't seem to feel unduly pressured by his little sister's progress. I do think he feels a little pressure sometimes, but I think it's the good kind. Every once in a while, he realizes that she has acquired a skill that's useful or interesting, and then he sets out to acquire it himself, usually achieving that in short order. The best example of this was with reading--she was not quite three and he was not quite six when all of this reading interest began. She started first, and then he followed. Interesting, since he's so often a Leader-with-a-capital-L.

I am very, very careful never to compare them in a way that would be detrimental to either of them. For example, I don't say things like "Why can't you read that word? Morgan can! Morgan, what's that word?" And we haven't labeled Morgan as The Smart One either--they are both pretty stinking smart, if you ask me, but have different strengths and weaknesses. (Unfortunately, that's something that happened when I was growing up--both the comparing in a bad way and the labeling.)

Morgan has been working on workbooks during Ryan's Taekwondo classes. Tonight she was doing subtraction out of a 1st grade math workbook, and reading the instructions out loud: "Count the kites. Cross out the number to be subtracted. Write the remainder below the line." And then she blew through the page. She did about 10 pages tonight, a significant portion of that particular workbook.

What I find so interesting about Morgan is the fact that she can follow complicated directions with multiple steps and usually get the answers in these workbooks right. Yet she has a hard time following multi-step directions in real life. I still haven't figured out a reliable method to getting and keeping her undivided attention--if that's even actually possible!

And that brings up another thing! I feel like I spend more time with Ryan. I DO spend more time with Ryan. He's older, and doing more "official" academic activities, such as all of this reading aloud and history class (which he did today). And he asks me questions and questions that take time to answer. And let's face it--he's kind of demanding when he needs to know something.

The Morgany Girl (tm) is quieter and unobtrusive. She lives in her head, and is generally content to stay there, figuring things out that constantly amaze me. When she needs my attention, I do my best to give it to her, but I feel as if I've been leaving her out a bit. Between Demanding Ryan (tm) and Demanding Toddler (tm), I have to admit that I don't get back to her as quickly as I should.

And she's easy. She easily sits in her chair and reads her book easily (she hardly ever asks me for help) and plays her games easily (complaining only about the lack of toner) and draws her pictures easily. And she doesn't speak up all the time. Don't get me wrong--she speaks up plenty, but most often in response to something else (Ryan). I just wonder if she's not getting everything she needs from me in terms of support. I wonder if she'd let me know if she needed more of me.

Maybe I just feel like I need to do more because I HAVE to do more with Ryan--some kids, and I was like this, don't really need as much from teacher/mom as others. From what I can tell, she is happy and healthy and gets the things she needs, so I'm not seriously worried. I'm writing this just so I can keep this issue on the "front burner" so to speak, to be aware of this and look for signs that she needs more.

So . . . there you have it! More homeschooling stuff that I've been thinking about. Things are so good, though, and I wouldn't trade a second of it.

My Unsolicited Advice to Homeschoolers

No doubt you've heard of the case in New York, where the parents were arrested recently for having failed to complete the required paperwork for their homeschool. And then yesterday, someone asked a question to one of my many Georgia homeschooling lists that sort of surprised me.

I'm not going to quote the whole question, but basically, the parent was wondering about how to keep the appropriate paperwork and meet the testing requirements--so that "they" know what learning is happening in the home, how to "physically prove" to "them" that learning is happening. Further discussion revealed that the questioner received information about the laws in Georgia in a second-handed, unverified manner.

I wrote the person back and we had a nice little back-and-forth exchange, and then I posted my main remark to the group. It was all very congenial, and I think the person was helped by my response and the responses from others, and I'm glad this matter has been settled.

But I was slightly alarmed, because here in Georgia, there is no "them" to which we homeschoolers are required to demonstrate any kind of "physical proof" of testing or curriculum choices. Nope. And I should make this clear--the person with the question is already homeschooling in the state of Georgia.

There is a "they" to whom we send a yearly notice of our intent to homeschool (DOI), and monthly attendance reports that mark the days each student attends homeschool. That particular "they" is the local (often county) school system. As far as I'm concerned, the above information is way more than "they" deserve to know in the first place, and I certainly don't want "them" to get any more information than is already required of me, lest they begin to expect it, as government officials are wont to do (give 'em an inch!).

I was slightly alarmed by the question, because I think that people who choose to homeschool in our state ought to already be aware of this.

And this is not the first time such questions have been posed to the email lists on which I lurk or participate. So I really don't mean to pick on this particular person. Still. Here I am, alarmed.

So here is my unsolicited advice to homeschoolers here, and across the country:

Know your state's homeschooling laws.

Read those actual laws yourself, with your very own eyes and using your very own mind.

Do not rely on information you receive from your school system, or information that comes in conglomerated, summarized formats (such as on HSLDA's site), or information that comes from other homeschoolers in your state (including me!).

Know your state's laws backwards and forwards, and pay attention to any new laws that might impact the current state of things.

If you know what your laws are, then:

• You can decide for yourself how (or even if) you will follow them.

• You will be able to know if (when?) the state or the school system demands information from you that you are not required by law to provide to them.

• You will be able to stand up for yourself in the event you or your child is ever questioned by a truancy officer. (Note: I haven't heard of that happening recently, or in metro Atlanta, but this is a possibility that lurks in the back of my head.)

• You can help other homeschoolers who have questions know where to go to find the answers themselves.

In my perfect dream world, there would be no compulsory attendance laws (aka "Butts in Seats" Laws) anywhere. But alas. So for now, I have to deal with the laws of the state I've chosen to live in. I will fight my hardest to keep our laws just the way they are thankyouverymuch, and then I will fight even harder to change them in the direction of MORE freedom for home study families.

The absolute BEST way (in my humble) to ensure that the laws that already encroach on our freedoms remain where they are and do not encroach further, is for the citizens of our state--especially those to whom these laws specifically apply--to be informed about the laws, and alert to any changes (for good or ill) in their status.

So please, inform yourself. If you live in Georgia, here's a good link that will get you to the right place. Go there first, then click the link to the Georgia General Assembly web site to look at the law yourself. If you live in another state, I encourage you to contact your local homeschooling resources to get information about where to read the appropriate statutes, or actually go to your legislature's website.

Your homeschooling freedoms--and possibly your family's ability to remain together--depend on you being an informed citizen.

Flat Ryan Update!

The Flat Ryan Project is off to an amazing start! We have 33 wonderful volunteers across the US, and in several other countries, too.

Flat Ryan is or will be visiting the following states: Virginia, New York, Missouri, Oregon, Maryland, Indiana, Kentucky, Texas, Georgia, Colorado, Washington, Massachusetts, California, Wisconsin, New Mexico, Alaska, Illinois, Pennsylvania, and Tennessee. And I believe he'll be going on adventures to other states, too--these states are the homes of his hosts.

Flat Ryan can also be found (or will be visiting) in the following exotic international locales: Wales, Canada, England, Japan, Vietnam, Singapore, Thailand, Brazil, and Argentina.

Really, isn't that a fantastic turnout? :o)

We sent out a large batch early last week, and will send the second batch out tomorrow or the next day. If you haven't received your Flat Ryan yet, then you're probably in the second group (unless you live in Wales or Canada or Japan--in which case, Hold your horses! It's a-coming!). If you've volunteered and haven't heard back from me, please let me know. I think I've responded to everyone, but it's possible I've missed you.

And I think I should officially end the volunteer period--we've had such a tremendous response. If you're disappointed about not being able to participate, don't worry--I have two more children! :o)

We've already begun to receive some pictures of Flat Ryan on adventures--getting to know his home(s)-away-from-home, attending real live grownup office peopleguy meetings, and visiting the beach! From time to time, with the permission of the volunteers, I'll post some of the pictures.

The next steps in our project include:

• Sending out Batch #2;

• Printing the pictures and narratives received to date and putting them in a 3 ring binder;

• Choosing a Flat Ryan pin color, and marking all of the Flat Ryan locations on our big maps with map pins (which I'll post a picture of here at some point).

So thanks to all of our volunteers! I hope you are having fun with this project. Remember, there's absolutely no rush, so just take Flat Ryan out in your part of the world when you can, and send us an email when it's convenient for you.

And again, a great big THANK YOU (from me, and the 3D Ryan)!!!!

Rambling Friday

It's been a crazy week, getting back to real life and everything! Some of the craziness was anticipated, but some wasn't. Here's a taste:

Snow and Ice! As a Yankee, I used to scoff at my fellow Atlantans when real live winter weather was visited upon our fair city. Now, I, too, have learned to fear it. Not because I don't know how to drive in it--because OTHER people don't know how to drive in it. And we lack salt trucks. Also, it's 19 degrees right now, which is officially Pretty. Darn. Cold. no matter where you encounter it. I want my global warming, dammit!

Sean's conjunctivitis is much better, but we must pin him down and do eye drops three times a day for four more days. I tried to do it while he was sleeping yesterday, because I'd read that that's a good way to sneak them in with minimal trauma. EPIC FAIL, in case you were wondering.

We actually got to go to the pediatrician twice this week! Yesterday, poor Sean had his regularly scheduled check up. He's fine and perfect (naturally). Slightly tall (58th percentile), weight is proportional to his height (50th percentile I think). Sputnik-head (89th percentile). Pronounced "wow, he's EXTREMELY strong" by the doctor who was trying to do that hip/leg wiggle thing they do to them. Sean was extremely irritated, to say the least, about having to endure two doctor trips in three days. It wasn't that much fun for the rest of us either, if the truth must be told.

Homeschool co-op started up again this week! I think I'll like the schedule for this session, a 10am class and a 1pm class for both big kids. Nice long lunch break in-between. Robotics was a HUGE hit with Ryan, and Morgan had fun in Egyptology. The teacher suggested we send in a smock with her, since they'll be doing tons of craft projects. This will be a perfect class for her! :o)

Also, I learned that there will be a Science Fair next month, hosted partly by our co-op (it's coordinated by some different moms though). I think the big kids will probably want to participate, and Brendan is going to help them with this. Should be fun. Morgan came up with a good project idea all on her own!

Ryan did really well on his Blue Belt test last night. We have a movie of him breaking his board (with a Turn Front Kick) and might post it on the FamBlog this weekend. He'll find out Monday if he earned his belt, but from what I saw, he probably did.

I'm still not on the Floor Peopleguy Schedule, but that's not from fear--we had to have the estimate revised and I think I will call them this afternoon. Turns out it will be even cheaper than we thought because the original estimate was for hardwoods, not laminate. Yay.

Also, can I just say that I'm so tired of this Coughing Thing I've had for the last 10 days or so? It's finally going away, yay. I haven't had a Coughing Thing in ever so long, and I've decided to come out strongly AGAINST ever having one again. Yes, I've been taking my vitamin D3 and my levels are fairly decent (48). I suspect though, that even D3 can't prevent everything, and so it was just time to get sick, you know? But damn. Enough already.

And wow, have I ever been remiss in not sharing the JOY AND HAPPINESS that is Beatles Rock Band for the Wii! The rest of it arrived the other day and it's just as fun as I'd hoped it would be! Thanks to 'No Fail Mode' we can ALL play and not worry about being bad enough to get kicked off of the tour (or whatever it is). The kids have improved on both drums and guitar, and both were proud as can be when they scored in the 90-something-percents for singing "Eight Days a Week!"

Now that I'm feeling better, and we're officially Back in the Swing of Things, I will be tackling my To Do List with reckless abandon . . . tomorrow. It's time to go play Rock Band again. :o)