OGrownups Update

I decided that it might be worthwhile to compile and publish a monthly update for the OGrownups list, a parenting list for Objectivists (non-Objectivists are welcome to lurk) that I co-manage with C. August. I'll do both January and February today, and will post monthly updates from here on out.

As of today, we have 191 members, gaining 14 in January and 3 in February. Not too shabby!

January's Topics included:

• Free Range Kids (the idea in general, and the website specifically)

• A link to a pro-spanking news article

• Spitting

• Many health topics, including the paleo diet, multi-vitamins for children, and taking DHA during pregnancy

• K12 curriculum, pros and cons

• Child birth options

• Resources for nursing mothers

• Great Parents through History

• Adoption

February's Topics:

• Secular Parenting Survey

• Baby Signs

• Axe Cop (giggle)

• Family vacation destinations

• Musical audio books for kids

• Food allergies

• Autoimmune disease

• Cloth diapering

• How to handle a situation in which a child has stolen something and lied about it

• Product recommendation: a trivia game

• Nakedness around kids in the home

Wow! We really covered quite a bit of territory. If you're interested in joining, click the link above.

What's That Inside My Head?

Okay, I just signed up for this little service that allows you, Dear Reader, to ask me Anything. You can even be anonymous if you want.

I can't promise that I'll answer every question, but I'll try to get to the most interesting ones in a timely manner. I'll probably Tweet the answer, but maybe I'll post the more interesting answers here. I just don't know quite how I'll use this yet, to be completely honest.

So, go on . . . I know you've been dying to know what the first record (yes, record) I ever bought with my own money was, or similarly important things. Oh, and I'll post this form on the sidebar, too, so you will always have an easy way to pick my brains!



UPDATE: And for some reason, this form doesn't show in my Google Reader, so you may need to click over, Dear Reader!

Good Things

1. The latest edition of the Objectivist Round Up!

2. Choose Your Own Adventure books, remember those? Ryan checked his very first ones out of the library today. He's going to LOVE these!

3. Making forward progress toward many different (and yet all worthwhile) goals. GTD FTW!

"Go to your room!" PD or not?

I've been meaning to address this question from Amy (in the comments of this blog post) for quite a while, but life has a way of interrupting my blogging. Which is good, because I really am trying to have a Life here.

This thread has long since died down, and I think people have had their say for the most part. I'm not trying to open up the whole thread again (especially because Amy has asked that more philosophical parenting discussions stay off of her blog, and I'd like to respect that request).

But this minor exchange in the comments was interesting to me, and I hope to explain this a little better, to clarify my position on this.

First I said this (added emphasis):

Secondly, we send our kids to their rooms–that is a technique that can be handled positively. When people are spitting or hitting or screeching until my eardrums bleed, they are given some choices. They can control their body. They can let me help them control their body. Or they can leave and go somewhere else and do that annoying thing. When they are ready to control their body–and DEMONSTRATE this control by their behavior–THEY get to decide when to leave their rooms. Sometimes, especially with more than one child, it’s not feasible for me to leave room, and you’re right, it’s not always in my self-interest to be the one doing the leaving. Plus it’s not fair.

We use the “go somewhere else” method not as a punishment, but as a true alternative, a choice for the child to make. Often, they don’t want to be separated from the rest of us (we’re too fun!), so they make the choice to control their own body. Sometimes they do and we’re spared the inappropriate behavior/being used as a punching bag. Sometimes the “elsewhere” choice is their room; sometimes it’s going outside; sometimes it’s going into the bathroom to use the sink to spit.

And then Amy said this:

But I am surprised that you, Jenn, send your kids to their rooms. My recollection of Jane Nelsen’s book (or maybe it’s just stuff I’ve read on the Yahoo group or Kelly’s blog) is that that is punishment and not ok.

I can see how this might be confusing. On one hand, I have repeatedly said that we don't punish our kids for bad behavior. On the other, I said that we send them to their rooms as a discipline method.

I think I mis-wrote (that's the bloggy equivalent of misspoke, yes?) when I wrote that we "send" our kids to their rooms. Here are two examples, showing what we do, and what we don't do. Let's take the scenario that a child is hitting others and can't seem to control himself. This would be a child who is old enough to understand the rules and exhibit some impulse control--say, around 4 and up. We handle hitting issues much differently with Sean, who is 20 months old.


What we don't do:

"You're hitting! You can't be around others just now, so go to your room and stay there until I tell you that you can come out."

This is how room-going was handled when I was a kid. You did something wrong and made mom mad. She sent you to your room until she told you that you could come out. Sometimes this happened after lots of chances to change your behavior; sometimes this happened right away--no second chance--particularly for serious transgressions like hitting others.


What we do instead:

"You're hitting! There's no hitting in our house. What can you do instead? [Help kid come up with options: ask a grownup for help, use words, etc.]

Okay, that's right. You need to control your body and use words. Is that something you can do right now, or do you need me to help you? Do you think you might want to apologize to your brother for hurting him?

. . .

You're hitting again, after you agreed to control your body and use words. The rest of us need to be safe from hitting, because hitting hurts. Can you go into another room until you are able to control your body? Then we can problem-solve.

. . .

[If the kid refuses to leave the area where others are, and his body control is still non-existent, then: ]

Okay, you've shown me that you are not in control of your body and you will not leave this area. So I will help you go up to your room. [Firmly but kindly take the kid up to his room or other area apart from others.] You can come back and be with the rest of us when you can show me that you are in control of your body.


The essential difference (besides the wordiness, heh) is that the child really has quite a bit of choice in what will happen to him (even if he doesn't quite appreciate this fact!). At every subsequent step along the way, he has a choice.

If he can pull himself together and control his body, then we will not make him go upstairs. If he wants to go to another place in the house, or outside, that is also up to him. When to come back and rejoin the family is also completely under his control. There is no fixed time set by me to remain in the room as punishment, no timer. If he decides to come back downstairs but is still not in control of his body, then he will be asked to leave (and/or escorted from) the room again. We will do this as many times as it takes until the child is back in control and is not hitting people. (And lest you worry unnecessarily, these sorts of hitting events are very rare in our household!)

So, that is how we "send" people to their rooms. It is not punishment in the sense of : If you do X, then I'll do Y to you, so that you will learn a lesson or feel bad about the way you behaved.

What we do instead gives the child a lot of control and chances to make up his own mind about how (and whether) he will respect the rights of others.

It may look like a traditional punishment from the outside-looking-in, if you didn't hear the conversation leading up to the room-going. If you saw one of my kids hitting and then me escorting him up to his room, you might think that I am not adhering to my "no punishment" principle.

Much of PD, and indeed, discipline in the larger sense, has to do with parental intent. Is it my intent to make the child feel bad about hitting by sending him away? No. Would I like him to feel badly when he hurts others? Well, yes, but that's not the reason I am sending him out of the room. I am sending him out of the room in this case in order to protect the rights of others not to be hit. I am also giving the offender a chance to exercise some inner-discipline, and to honor his efforts if/when he is truly able to do so.

Parental intent is crucial. Even though what I might do (escort the kid up to his room) may be the very same action a non-PD parent would take, we are acting for different reasons, and probably after different types of interactions leading up to the limit-setting journey to the room. (For another example of this, see this post I wrote last summer.)

So many times in my own childhood, I got to the point where I was able to control myself, but was punished anyway, since my parents felt that a good old-fashioned punishment would drive home their (probably worthy) point. But what does additional punishment say to the child who realizes he's done wrong and IS able to (or attempting to) exercise that inner discipline that we all want our kids to have? I think it sends a message to the child that inner discipline is less important than feeling bad about the transgression, or that Mommy has to "win" this battle (might makes right). That's certainly how I recall feeling. Is it more important for Mommy to win than to have the child demonstrate that he is in control of his body and is able to respect the rights of others?

How might a child who is still unable to control himself interpret the additional punishment? How about: "Well, I have to do the time, so I might as well do the crime?" That would be a very Brendan-y interpretation, I think. (Correct me if I'm wrong about that, Brendan!)

Occasionally I get caught up in that feeling of wanting to win over my kids: I'll show you! You think you can hit me or a sibling and get away with it?

When I feel that way, I have to consciously remind myself of my parenting principles--that my goal here is to help them and give them chances to develop inner self-discipline. If someone who has just popped his baby brother over his head is truly remorseful and able to control himself, then I will not give him a punishment designed to make him feel worse, or to drive home my point.

Mind you, I feel completely free to express MY emotions about what happened: "Well, I'm glad you can control yourself now, but it makes me very angry when Sean gets hurt!!! It makes me feel like I need to watch over you guys really carefully for a little while, just to make sure. What can you tell me about what happened to reassure me that this won't happen again?"

No, they don't get extra punishment, but they do get to experience the results of their poor choices/lack of self-control. I think that's okay--when they are adults, they will experience similar results. I think this experience is more effective in helping them learn to understand about the rights of others or the effects their actions have upon others, than any "go sit up in your room" sort of punishment. If they are only ever sent up to their rooms, they will miss the opportunity to see how hitting makes a baby brother or a Mommy feel. They will be mad about what was done to them, but will they see what it was they did to someone else?

So anyway, a way overdue response to that question! I hope this has clarified my thoughts . . . if indeed anyone was still wondering! :o)

Almost Famous?

As you may know, Brendan and I have decided to try to get the word peopleguy into the OED. And we're only half-joking about this.

Today we got a little closer to that goal, thanks to Twitter friends @deejf, @TreyPeden, and inebriated Twitter icon @DRUNKHULK!

Here's how it went down . . .

First, @deejf suggested :

I've decided that I want to see drunkhulk use the word peopleguys in a tweet. No idea how to facilitate that, though.

@TreyPeden took a direct approach :

POSTS THIS LINK FOR @DRUNKHULK BETTER UNDERSTAND "PEOPLEGUYS" http://bit.ly/csuQM3

(This link is to my article about peopleguys, here on the blog.)


Not very much longer later, @DRUNKHULK responded to our wishes!

@DRUNKHULK: FIRST RIOT! NOW SOME PEOPLEGUY PISTOL WHIP AT CHUCK E. CHEESE! THEY SHOULD CHANGE NAME TO CHUCK E. NORRIS!

And also directly responded to me with :

@rationaljenn DRUNK HULK TIRE OF PEOPLEGUYS LIKE YOU TELL DRUNK HULK WHAT SAY!

But really, I think DRUNK HULK likes it when I boss him, as most people I boss enjoy the experience as well. :o)

I do feel almost famous, after this brush with actual celebrity! :P And since you like it when I boss you, I'll tell you to use peopleguy in a sentence today! The OED peopleguys aren't going to just add any old word now!

Really, I've been smiling ever since!

LinkFest

Hey there! I haven't had time to write anything particularly thoughtful or interesting today (wow, what a day!), so I figured I might as well send you to some particularly thoughtful or interesting posts written by others. It's the least (no really, the very least) I can do.

Here they are, in no particular order:

I'm a minority-within-a-minority-within-a-minority-etc: Secular Homeschoolers: Darwinfish out of water. (It's lame, but I'm counting this as my Secular Thursday post!)

Kelly has a nice homeschooling day in the life post. Fun.

Also, she has a really awesome post about NOT living a child-centered life. That may sound counter-intuitive, for a "stay" at home Mommy type to believe you shouldn't make your life too child-centered (not to mention, logistically difficult), but I agree with Kelly 100%. If you make everything all about them, they get a skewed idea of how the world works and their place in it and what adults really do.

Food Allergy Assistant has the new edition of the Living with Food Allergies blog carnival (and my ranty post is in it--you knew it would be!).

I love to read blogs written by parents who have kids older than mine. It's a nice glimpse into the future. Or, sometimes a somewhat frightening glimpse. Topsy-Techie writes about a stage of child development that is, in her eloquent phrasing, crap. Oh my! After the day I had with Ryan, I have serious doubts as to whether either of us will make it past his teen years. That could be the exhaustion talking.

And just for fun, go over to my friend C. August's blog and take a gander at how Bob Vila he is. I'm impressed!

And now that Brendan is finally home, I'm going to collapse in a heap. Sadly, that's not literally true--I will be up with a sick baby for a long while. Wish me luck!

The Round Up is Here!

It's hot and fresh and at 3 Ring Binder!

It's going to be a long day. I was up half the night with a feverish toddler guy. So hard to be sick when so small--he has no idea what's happening, and boy, is he pissed about it! :(

On a day like today, we'd normally hang out in front of the tv take it easy, but today is Science Fair day at the homeschool co-op! Happily, neither of my children who are participating are ill (any more). I can put Sean in the sling and hopefully he won't contaminate the place with his cooties will be happy snuggled up next to me while we're there. I hate bringing cootie-bearing kids into public places, but this is a One Day Only kind of thing, and both Morgan and Ryan have worked hard on their projects.

After that's done, we'll come home and watch insane amounts of tv rest. Brendan won't be home until late, either. He has one of those departmental-bonding-dinner-things today. They're going BOWLING (and now I'm singing "Take the computer geeks bowling, take them bowling....") and then to dinner at Maggiano's.

You know something? I used to hate those departmental-bonding-dinner-things when I had a Real Job (tm), but I'm a little jealous of him today. Not but that I hate bowling, of course. But I could go for dinner at Maggiano's! (Bring me some leftovers, sweetie!)

In all seriousness, I'm glad I get to see the Science Fair. The kids are very excited and proud (but Ryan has declared that he doesn't want to talk to anyone he doesn't know, so I'm thinking the presentation to the judges portion of the program is a no-go). I'll take pics and report on it. I know Brendan is sorry to be missing that today. And really, a snuggly (though cranky) baby thing isn't such a bad job either.

Now . . . off for more coffee . . .

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

We have The Sick here. :( Mostly it's just Ryan, and perhaps me.

The first clue that Ryan is getting sick (besides X-Treme Whine) is that he A.) stops talking, and B.) falls asleep in some crazy random place, like the floor of the kitchen next to the dishwasher. I am not making this up.

He ran a high fever for a while and was talking all kinds of Crazy Talk. I went to check on him and he was freaking out about the tomatoes that were fighting each other over his head. It would have been funnier had he not been soooo sick. Also, he was convinced he was going to die, and you know what? It's hard enough to have conversations with him about mortality anyway, but it's just really not helpful to anyone to have to have them while he's hysterical with fever. Just sayin.'

He was better this morning, and I was filled with hope for the rest of us. But then he started up with the fever again, and napped this afternoon. Poor thing. No other symptoms, though! No puking (thank god) or sniffling or coughing. Just this high fever + whine. So I suppose that's a Good Thing.

Me, I'm fine, only my tonsils apparently got the sense that there was Sickness around here, and decided to just mildly start to hurt me, as if to remind me that they could take me down if they wanted to. What's that about? What'd I ever do to them, I'd like to know!!!!?!?!?!?!?

Sean seems extra clingy and nursey, so I predict he'll be the next one to fall. Morgan seemed warm to me earlier, but her natural body temperature is just slightly warmer than everyone else in the house, which makes it difficult for me to figure out. (And there's no thermometer in sight, probably since most of our stuff is still upstairs!)

Oh yeah! The Science Fair is on Thursday, and we still have to finish up their presentation boards and then go. I hope everyone is feeling okay to participate. I think Morgan will be very sad if she misses it. I have no idea if Ryan even cares that much.

I will say this, though . . . that kid is awfully snuggly when he's sick. So I'm kind of enjoying that part, which feels a little bit wrong, enjoying the opportunity that comes from someone else's misery. :o) Sean hates it though, since I'm not allowed to hold anyone else ever. So at least someone is miserable at all times!

So if you don't see us around for a couple of days, now you know why!

Atlanta Objectivist Society

I am thrilled to announce the official formation of the Atlanta Objectivist Society! I know! We have a website and everything! (Go on, give it a click.)

I've been dying to get this up and going, and I'll tell you why. I read Atlas Shrugged during the summer before I started college, and of course, was enthralled and excited. I went to Purdue University, which just happened to have a very active (however small) Objectivist Club. Every Wednesday night at 6pm, I hoofed it down to Stewart Hall and hung out with some amazing people (a few of which I'm still in contact with these days) and discussed ideas and laughed and learned. The four years I spent in Objectivist Club was just as valuable to my life--if not more so--than my undergraduate degree (which, let's face it, was English, so . . .).

Then I graduated and finally (FINALLY!) got to live my Real Life. But where were all of the Objectivists? Sadly, they were hard to find. This was in the early days of internet chat groups (pre-browser era, sigh . . . I am that old), and the only Objectivists I could find were far away, and somewhat hard to talk to. Boo.

I met several Ayn Rand fans, but nobody who would consider himself an Objectivist. It got kind of lonely, honestly. Then, through the wonders of Yahoo Groups, I met Kelly, who was not only a girl, but a mom-to-be, and lived just a few miles away from my house! I'm convinced she knows every Objectivist within a 200 mile radius of Atlanta, and through her, I got to meet and become friends with many other Objectivists. Yay! Life wasn't quite so lonely for Brendan and me! Through my efforts here on the blog, I've gotten to e-know and know-in-person lots and lots more Objectivists. Double Yay!

It seemed strange to me, though, that there are so many Objectivists in and around Atlanta and yet we weren't very organized. This last year, with the explosion of the sales of Atlas Shrugged and unprecedented positive change in attitude toward Objectivists, I kept feeling as if we were letting a real opportunity pass us by. I met so many people (usually remarking on my car stickers in parking lots) with positive things to say about Ayn Rand, and questions too, that we (Brendan and Kelly and some of our friends, too--it wasn't just all me) started to get serious about organizing an Atlanta Objectivist group. We had a social event last spring, but I didn't really know where to take it from there. (And there are other Objectivist groups in and around Atlanta, but most are associated with universities (which is great), and none has really taken off in the way I'd like to see AOS take off.)

Then last fall, the Objectivist Club Network, a group formed to support Objectivist clubs at universities, announced its plans to expand their support to community clubs via a mentorship program. I applied for the mentorship, and our group was accepted!

My experience with OCN (and Jason in particular) has been extremely positive. Jason (who is part of the Chicago Objectivist Society) and I have been in touch frequently over the last six weeks, and his advice has been so helpful. I've explained to my friends that it's as if he's provided us with a roadmap to follow. All I've had to do is follow the next steps he's suggested, and now the ball is really rolling!

I am so thrilled! We are taking small steps toward world domination in the right direction, and making PROGRESS.

Our first organized event will be on March 16, and on the third Tuesday of each month going forward. We are going to be hosting monthly informal Socials, a chance for Objectivists (newbies and oldbies, close friends and new acquaintances) to get together and just meet each other. From there, we have bigger plans, but again, the goal is to start small, and grow in a manageable organized way. (If you'd like to come to our Social, go to our website and fill out the Social Invitation Request Form, and I'll send you details!)

So this is my Big Announcement of one of the Big Projects (non-floor variety) I've been working on! WOOHOO!!!!

"Just" Teach Your Children Well

It's been a while since I've ranted a bit about food allergies, and I'm quite certain you've been pining for a good old-fashioned food allergy rant from little ol' me, so I'm happy to oblige.

Before I get started, does anyone know how to read Japanese? Brendan's cousin, who is living in Japan (her husband is in the USAF), helped out with the Flat Ryan Project (an update on that soon, promise). She sent us lots of information about Okinawa, some real shisa (who now hold a place of honor on our mantelpiece with our other gargoyles), and lots and lots of yummy-looking treats! And we have no way of reading the labels. :( I have an idea that peanut usage in Japan is much less than in other areas of Asia, but I don't really know that for certain. Anyway, if you have a lead, let me know!

Now on to my rant . . .

A couple of weeks ago, Free Range Kids ran a story about one school's ridiculous (I think) food rule outlawing apples and pears with peels intact, due to the possible choking hazard that apparently exists. I don't know . . . isn't all food kind of a choking hazard? My toddler is still has trouble with yogurt sometimes. I suppose it's a risk you need to take, in order to get, you know, nourishment for your body.

The conversation in the comments touched on some food allergy issues (which were mentioned in the post), and I was moved to actually write a comment. Somebody wrote, in part:

As long as you don’t smear it [peanut butter] across the allergy kid’s face or shove it down their throat there is no actual hazard to protect them from.

This is not strictly true, as those who live with food allergies know (and hopefully those who have read about this stuff here on my blog). I had to think about whether to respond or not, because sometimes people get all riled up and want to argue. I decided to leave one, and only one comment, and not to get engaged in a pointless debate. So I said:

That is not true. Some kids (not all) are contact sensitive and will have a reaction if they touch the allergen.

Apart from that, though, residue is a big concern. You know how kids (even responsible kids who ought to know better) spread germs around like crazy? When they touch a germ-contaminated surface and then touch their faces or mouths, they can contract the illness.

Kids with severe allergies can accidentally ingest trace amounts of allergens in precisely the same manner. Only instead of a cold, the consequences can be life-threatening.

All I'm interested in doing is educating people--there's a lot of misinformation out there, so I feel like I should do my part in correcting some of that. It's a way in which I can support my son.

I only checked back once (okay, twice, including today). Most of the comments have to do with the ridiculous ban on peels. Some remarks about food allergies (not necessarily directed at my comment) include [my emphasis]:

I mean, doesn’t this kid bring his or her own food? Isn’t it taught to watch out for him/herself?

@Rational Jenn: While people might be so allergic that even contact can cause a severe reaction, it’s still not a good reason to ban the offending foodstuff altogether. Just teach the kids in the school to handle them responsibly. The increase in allergies has, by some scientists, been linked to the constantly increasing fear of germs. Because kids are less and less exposed to germs early on in their life, their immune system doesn’t evolve as it should. [Obviously this one was directed at my comment.]

One of my three children has strange reactions to pretty much anything with food coloring in it. What have we done – teach him to decline such things when offered! I understand the peanut thing, but pretty much everything else doesn’t cause life-or-death situations, and can be fixed by teaching the child to refuse.

If your child is allergic to something, they should be taught to avoid that allergen and if very young, the teachers should certainly know about it. But it shouldn’t affect the entire school’s eating habits.

But he has come home with the chocolate in his lunch because the lunch monitor wouldn’t “let” eat it. Also they are constantly telling the kids not to trade food. I just tell me boys “not to get caught”. I loved trading lunch items. I think grade school kids can figure out what they can’t eat.

Okay then. The general idea of these posters is that we food allergy parents "just" need to teach our kids how to avoid their allergen, and then everything will be hunky-dory, and nobody else's meal choices need to be affected.

Well why didn't I think of that? Starting right now, I'm going to teach Ryan about peanuts:

• how to read the word,
  

• how to find the word on a label,
  

• how to ask grownups for help,
  

• how to question each and every food item that he is offered,
  

• how to question a manufacturer's labeling practices and make a decision based on the level of confidence he has with the manufacturer based on their previous labeling practices,
  

• how to know that just because something is labeled doesn't mean that the food inside the package matches that label,
  

• how to avoid "may contains" or "processed in a facility" items because of the severity of his allergy and the real risk to his LIFE that those items pose,
  

• how to pay attention to what other kids at co-op or the playground may have been eating and where they might have wiped their hands so he can avoid it,
  

• how to hold his arms down by his side at a grocery store with open bins of peanuts,
  

• how to call a restaurant and find out whether or not they use peanuts in their food,
  

• how to call an airline and find out if they are still handing out peanuts to the passengers and whether or not they'll forego the peanuts if he's on that flight,
  

• how to say 'no' to grandma and our neighbor and friends who may very kindly and with good intentions offer him something that he's not sure about--possibly hurting their feelings (because people get their feelings hurt when you say 'no' to food for some reason),

• how to say 'thank you' graciously to someone who has gone out of their way to be thoughtful and pick out a treat that is peanut-safe--only to go home and give it away or throw it away, because we don't really know if that treat is safe or not--yet feel happy that someone cared enough to try, because not everyone does,

• how to use an Epi-pen, which has a scary, thick, inch-long needle that must be used within minutes of a serious reaction in order to give him a fighting chance for life.
  

What a wonderful idea! Why didn't I think of . . . wait a minute . . . I HAVE BEEN TEACHING HIM THESE THINGS! From the second we left the hospital when he was only 25 months old. First I'd educate myself, then Brendan, then Ryan--and now his siblings are undergoing an education of their own. And his friends. And his family. He understands all of this, and he understands what's at stake.

So I have "just" taught him. But here is another point--he is seven-and-a-half years old. Old Enough to Know Better, perhaps?

Let me paint a picture for you here. Imagine if you will, a health scare, such as, oh I don't know . . . let's call it "swine flu." It's spreading like wildfire among the kids at the local elementary school, and making kids (and adults) really, really sick.

Well I say, send your kid to school anyway! Yup! Just teach him to avoid germs! Teach him how to sneeze into a tissue and throw the tissue away. Teach him how to cough into his elbow. Teach him not to touch his eyes or mouth or nose. Teach him how to wash his hands thoroughly. Teach him when to wash his hands--after touching doorknobs or the lunch table or his desk or fellow classmates. Teach him not to borrow a pencil from the kid at the desk next to him. Teach him not to share his food or drink at lunch time.

He'll be fine right? Oh wait a minute . . . he's in second grade? About seven or eight years old? Hmmm . . . . And yes, you've taught him well, sure, and he's ALWAYS perfect in following these rules--especially the 'no touching your eyes and nose and mouth' rule. Uh-huh.

But what about those other kids? You know, the ones who manage to sneeze a hot mess of snot across the lunchroom? The ones who lick drinking fountains? The ones who like to give big friendly hugs to their buddies?

So you'd really be comfortable sending your seven or eight year old into a swine flu (or regular flu or pertussis or ebola or what-have-you) infested school, because you've "just" taught him right?

Yeah. THAT'S all I'm sayin'.

And don't even get me started about the Hygiene Hypothesis! (Here's a small hint: It doesn't mean what you think it means!!!! My house is not a place Howard Hughes would have ever come within 100 feet of!!!)

And Speaking of 'Secular' and 'Thursdays' . . .

. . . don't miss this week's edition of the Objectivist Round Up! It's at Titanic Deck Chairs this week. Tell Mr. Chairs I sent you!

Secular Thursday

This is my first post for Secular Thursday, in which secular homeschooling bloggers like me write about something, well, secular and/or homeschooling. Smrt Mama (who I've met in real life) is the, well, smrt mama who came up with and is sponsoring this idea. She writes:

Secular Thursday was created to give secular homeschoolers a day to share the difficulties and benefits of secular education and/or secular lifestyles. It’s a day to vent frustrations — at the isolation secular home educators can experience, of the sense of being marginalized by the homeschool community, at the pervasiveness of religion in curricula (or the oppressiveness of some religions and their followers in society). It’s a day to celebrate the positives — finding a great curriculum that perfectly fits your needs, discovering a friend (or a whole community) to offer support and advice, finding a way to bridge differences with members of the religious homeschooling community. It’s a day to review curricula, recommend websites, talk up favorite blogs, or just talk share a day in the life of your particular flavor of secular homeschooler.

I don't know if I'll participate every single week, but I'm going to try!

I don't have anything too specific to homeschooling to write about today, so I'm going with secular. If you haven't already heard about this, check out this survey of secular parents, which I found via Dale McGowan's blog, The Meming of Life. The goal is to survey 3,000 families, and they are about halfway there. So if you're a secular family (homeschooling or not), go check it out! And as a bonus to us Objectivists, I was thrilled to see that 'Objectivist' was listed as an option to several questions. :o)

Fun with Classics

For the last eight months or so, we've been reading and studying some ancient literature and history. As you know, Ryan is taking Ancient History at History at our House, and I think I've mentioned before how we've been enriching that experience with some literature and other studies on the side.

Back in the summer, we read out loud a children's version of The Odyssey that was just fabulously well-done. Ryan especially couldn't get enough of it, but Morgan enjoyed it as well. We've also been reading about Greek mythology (D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths), and we just started The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 1) last night. :o)

What's been interesting to me is how these stories have stuck in their little heads. I'm sure they don't remember every single little detail of every story, but they were interested and engaged enough to recall certain details months and months later. And I think that's cool, because not only is it amazing to learn what they remember, it's fun because I am such a big fan of history and mythology. So it's a value we share!

A couple of examples are in order.

Upon hearing police and ambulance sirens the other day, Sean looked a little alarmed (he is often alarmed by loud sudden noises). So I said to him "Listen to the sirens!" And Morgan piped in with "Mom! Sirens! Just like Odysseus heard!!!!"

The other morning in the hotel we were sitting in the lobby eating their free breakfast. I'd had tons of half-and-half in my coffee, and Sean was holding the little containers and drinking the dregs of half-and-half. Ryan started laughing hysterically, and called Sean a Cyclops. When asked to explain, he cackled "Because it's like when the Cyclops was drinking all of that Trojan wine when Odysseus got him drunk so they could poke out his eye and escape! Look! Sean is a giant, holding those little cream thingies!" It did, just for a moment, look like Sean was a giant (although with two eyes), drinking down little jugs of wine that were tiny to him. We all cracked up, and Sean even laughed in that way babies do when everyone else is laughing but they don't get the joke.

When reading But Not the Hippopotamus to Sean, Morgan noticed the little hats the rats are wearing have wings on them, just like the one Hermes had.

I get a kick out of this, partly because I am the kind of person who notices these little Greek influences all over the place, too. And it's fun to have people around who like to do the same thing. Plus, cultural literacy FTW! :o) And I'm pretty sure I'll be using some of these stories to illustrate principles, in the same way I recently used Ma and Pa! from Little House on the Prairie.

By the way, I've zipped through the first 75 pages of Percy Jackson, and it's AWESOME! Chock full of those references, and I'm having lots of fun trying to figure out which Greek myth is about to come up next. :o)

So, do any of your kids do the same thing? I'd love to hear about it!

A Rant Left Over from Last Week

Speaking of sharing (in the X Factor post, and in the comments of that post), let me tell you about something that happened last week.

We were playing at a Jumpy Place near our house, and there about eight kids total in the place. Ryan was the oldest, Sean about the youngest kid. Now Ryan and Morgan loved playing there, and ran around like monkeys the whole time.

Sean, though, was a little intimidated by the noise (those places are LOUD!) and didn't want to jump, not even with me. So he shadowed me for the most part. I found a blow-up hockey game with little plastic balls, and since there were plenty of balls and nothing really for Sean to do, I gave him two to hold. He toddled around with them, one in each hand, happy as can be. After a while, he and Ryan started up a game where Sean would throw the balls into one of the jumpy houses where Ryan was waiting, and then Ryan would toss them back out from surprising angles. Yay. Fun could be had by all!

Another mom with a toddler about a year older than Sean by the looks of her happened by during one of these games, looking at the blow-up hockey table. Ryan had just tossed the balls out onto the floor to Sean. The other mom scooped up both of Sean's balls and said to her child, "He's had these long enough. Let's play hockey!"

Oh. My.

So Sean, of course, got upset, because this other Mommy took his balls without so much as a glance at him, let alone any kind of discussion with ME.

Now I know that here on my blog, I'm often full of ranty eloquence (heh). But when I encounter such OMGWTF sort of moments in real life, I'm usually speechless and staring, because I'm trying to process what just happened, attempting to reconcile the evidence of my senses with my notions of how things ought to be in the world.

So I just stared at this woman, speechless, holding my screaming, upset child. She finally looked over and threw one of Sean's balls back to him. She didn't hand it; she threw it. A pitiful attempt to mollify him (or me?).

I found my voice and spoke to my child, "You're sad that they took the balls you were playing with. You weren't done with your turn." That's what I'd have said if one of his siblings had taken it, but I also said it so the other Mom could hear (we were about 10 feet from each other.) He wasn't happy with just the one ball, either. I kept trying to soothe him and figure out what to do next.

At this point, the other Mom actually looked in the hockey game and lo and behold! A veritable cornucopia of plastic balls! Gee. Wonder why you didn't go that route in the first place? So, upon discovering these other balls, she reached in and tossed another one our way.

Now most parents, even those who believe in sharing for sharing's sake, would probably never ever do what that other woman did, just sweep in and make a unilateral sharing decision about someone else's child. And to be so rude about it, throwing the balls back at us, because he dared to be upset! I'm still floored, just thinking about it. (And boy, do I ever wish I was better at thinking on my feet in such situations!! But I remain slow on the uptake.)

But how many times have I seen people do pretty much the same thing to their own kids? I have been tempted many, many times to do the same thing myself. Someone is taking a super-long turn, and it's so tempting (and in many ways easier) just to step in and say "Okay. You've had long enough. Give that toy to her."

When a parent swoops in and delivers judgment and enforces a limit without any input from the children involved (or even warning!), there is a missed opportunity for the children to learn to handle these kinds of transactions themselves. They don't have a chance to learn the right words to say, or how to approach another child who is having a long turn with a desirable toy, or even learn that there are rationally self-interested reasons to share or take turns with others. (We always explain such reasons in terms of the Trader Principle, which I have to say is the Objectivist idea I seem to use most often in parenting.)

Yes, it takes a little extra time, especially at first, but it pays off in spades in the long run. My older kids (one of whom still has trouble with this idea, as I mentioned in that earlier post), know that they have a responsibility to try to work it out themselves before getting a grownup involved. In general, they handle such conflicts without me (mostly I need to step in with Ryan and remind him to speak kindly). And that saves me a lot of time now.

The littlest one is just embarking on this learning journey. He doesn't quite get it yet, but it's never too early to hear the words "Morgan would like a turn now. How much longer do you need with that toy?" He'll figure it out eventually. And he won't come to depend on me to solve these problems for him.

Now if I can just think of snappy comebacks a little quicker!

Good Things (Monday Morning Edition)

1. The Sun! It's still there, it really is!

2. Getting back to our normal routine. I'm really, really ready. On the agenda for this week--homeschool co-op and a trip to the wholesale club and putting things back in order.

3. Speaking of putting things back in order, I'm using this floor opportunity to declutter a bit. I've decided that I'm going to bring things back downstairs IF AND ONLY IF : A.) I love it or need it, and B.) I have a place to keep it. This includes toys. We'll put anything left over upstairs into the spring garage sale.

4. Bonus Good Thing: The Saints. :o) Honestly, I like both teams, but I'm so proud of Drew Brees and the Saints. Now I'm wishing I'd taken the chance to go up and talk to him when we were eating at the same restaurant in Tampa, Florida ten years ago. And not that I'd wish food allergies on anyone, Ryan was interested to learn that Drew Brees has multiple food allergies. He's getting to the age/stage of feeling that it's nice not to be alone in this. I like the idea of him knowing that his food allergy doesn't need to hold him back in life. :o)

Happy Monday!

The X Factor in Parenting

Before I get started on this post, which is really just a longish thought that's been roaming around in my head, I have to tell everyone: "WE HAVE NEW FLOORS IN OUR HOUSE!" :o) However, we have very few area rugs, and we spent all of our money on the floors, so I'll be taking up donations at a later time. (Kidding.) (Kinda.)

On to my profound (to me) thought for the moment.

Parenting more than one child has really opened my eyes to something. Sometimes, when something I've done or said has had the desired impact on one of my kids, I think to myself "Hey, that was a good parenting moment right there." Don't we all do that? (And we should!)

Sometimes, though, things that happen as a result of my good and proper parenting actually occur--at least partially--due to the X Factor: The Child.

A quick example. When Ryan was a baby, I went and put him in his crib one night, and he fell asleep. He did that pretty easily and regularly for the most part, and continues to be able to sleep independently without too much parenting. When I only had him, I put this phenomenon down to our excellent parenting strategy. Clearly, we were doing something right. ;)

Enter Morgan. And then Sean. The exact same strategies (plus those important years of experience, which should not be discounted in the least) do not have the same effect on them. Actually, Sean is still very easy, but he's different than Ryan. Morgan has always been hard to get to sleep, and has a difficult time putting herself to sleep. She's getting better, and as with all things Children, goes through phases of progress and backsliding.

But my whole I'm Excellent at Getting my Children to Sleep Theory has been blown out of the water. And this is the Multiple Children Bonus--if I hadn't had more kids, I'd have gone on thinking that I was just the best parent ever at getting kids to sleep.

Each kid is different, and in addition to Excellent Parenting Strategies (which certainly exist), there's each individual child and her temperament AND her free will to take into account.

It works the other way, too, and this can be very comforting. Ryan is nearly eight years old and STILL has trouble sharing toys* and being kind when playing with other kids. We have several Excellent Parenting Strategies we've used (and continue to use) to help him learn that a complete freak-out is not necessary if someone accidentally touches your stuff. As you might imagine, this issue has caused me to worry about him, me, and whether or not I've "done something wrong."

I haven't done anything wrong: Enter Morgan. She is a kind and generous soul. Learning to take turns was never difficult for her. She doesn't mind sharing crayons, or letting someone have a turn. She willingly shares her coloring books with other kids in the waiting room of Taekwondo. She takes turns with her friends and brothers on the computer or with certain toys.

Now, when I was helping her learn those skills and the reasons (again, *) for sharing, I used the same exact strategies I used with Ryan. I modeled taking turns. I helped her find other things to do while she waited for her turn. I shared boxes of crayons with her. I showed her that her friend feels sad if she can't share the crayons. Sometimes, I enforced the sharing. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Here's my point: Morgan got it, years ago. Ryan, three years her senior, STILL has trouble with this concept and struggles to learn these skills. (And yes, it's not only distressing, it's annoying as you-know-what.) So my Excellent Parenting--which is necessary and I do think helpful and I will continue to do--is not the only factor here.

It's those darn kids, and all of their personalities and free will--the X Factor. In many ways, Sean is still emerging, and I don't yet know what I'm dealing with, which keeps things interesting! I can make a few generalizations about his personality, but I can't predict how he might deal with taking turns or potty training or when he'll read or anything like that, because he's just not developed enough for me to have a really good idea yet.

With the third child, I can be sage enough to say that he'll have his own special Seanie difficulties, and he and I will struggle over them. They'll be different Things from Ryan's and Morgan's Things. Because he is a different kid yet again.

I'm not trying to suggest that good parenting is futile or that it's not possible to have objectively good parenting practices. Clearly I think parenting is really, really important, since I do that as a job and think about it all the time and write about it, too. But sometimes I need to remind myself that Parenting isn't all there is to it.



*Sharing in and of itself is not a value for us in the same way it is for most families, and I honestly can't remember if I've written about this topic before. But taking turns with friends/siblings or sharing a box of crayons is a rational skill, and when I talk to Ryan I focus on the rational reasons for doing so, and do not take an altruistic stance on sharing.

It Was 105 Years Ago Today . . .

. . . Ayn Rand was born in Russia. Here's the quotation I have as my Facebook status today:

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours. - Ayn Rand

That quotation was taken from Atlas Shrugged, a novel which everyone ought to read (in my opinion!). It's more meaningful and relevant than ever.

Tonsil Update & Mini LinkFest

So, it turns out that you really can't use willpower to overcome a pretty serious bacterial infection of your tonsils. Well, maybe YOU can, but I can't. After several days of muscling through the pain, taking the maximum daily dosage of ibuprofen, things just suddenly got worse. Nothing I took or did touched the pain. Boo.

So I hied me hither to yon Urgent Care the next day and came home with four prescriptions! I think the steroids and tylenol + codeine were overkill, since I haven't even taken those. Things are mostly back to normal, but I lost several days of productivity due to pain and sheer exhaustion. But at least I'm on the mend!

I was so wiped out that Brendan and his mom (kind soul that she is) did most of the prep work for the floor installation over the weekend. The playroom is cleaned out! (Those of you who've seen it in real life will appreciate the sheer magnitude of that endeavor.) I've got a few more books and things in my office (aka, "The Computer Room"), just a couple more things to move in the kitchen (I realized belatedly that all of the stuff I cram next to the fridge will have to go), and we'll take down our electronics Wednesday night.

Even though we've been working her to death, I think my mother-in-law is having a nice time. She and the big kids are baking brownies at the moment. She's played chess and Stratego, and done many art projects, and played Pet Store, and listened to stories about Hoplites and dogs, and made friends with Sean. We introduced her to Beatles Rock Band last night, and that was fun, too. We like to keep Nonnie busy when she comes, even when we don't have major home improvement projects underway.

We missed going to the cabin, which still has Christmas decorations up (!), because of some winter weather in North Georgia. Just didn't feel like sliding down the mountain. So that has yet to be done. I'll think about it tomorrow, in Scarlett-fashion.

Thursday's our big day, and because of my allergies, not to mention my recovery from tonsillitis, we're staying at a hotel Thursday and Friday night. Super fun! Tried to find one with an indoor pool, but no luck.

So that's the sitch! I hope to get some kind of interesting and thoughtful post up soon, but it may be next week. Why don't I send you to a good post written by someone else instead? There's so many to choose from, but here's--

Kelly Hogaboom wrote: "Thank you for your public service, and yet I have some thoughts I'd like to share" (found this via Twitter, @FreeRangeKids and @DianaHsieh). Her daughter was walking home from swim practice, and was picked up by a policeman who very kindly delivered her home. A great piece about safety and paranoia and walking the thin line in between.

Jim Woods has excerpts from George Washington's first State of the Union address. A breath of fresh air, from over 200 years ago.

Jane Nelsen links to another Positive Discipline advocate's list of things to say instead of 'no.' Quick and simple to grasp; makes a world of difference in everyone's attitudes.

So. There it is. (And if you know the movie I'm referring to here--it might be obscure, or it really might not; I have no idea--you get a zillion gold stars!)