Homeschooling a Gifted Kid? You're Selfish!

I was pretty dismayed to read the article "Public Schools Lose When Gifted Kids are Homeschooled" (found via SmrtMama on Twitter). And then I was ecstatic when I read the comments in response to the article.

First, the article. After detailing many of the concerns and complaints that some parents of gifted children expressed on a Facebook group, the author chides the parents (emphasis mine):

If parents of homeschool kids kept their kids in public schools, gifted education would have a stronger base of much-needed advocates.

. . .

When parents take their children out of public schools, they may not realize that they are taking away the magical collaboration that is so essential to learning. Homeschool parents may not realize what their children would have added to the classroom. They are taking away the peers that their public school counterparts are seeking, and they are taking away the ideas their kids would have brought to class discussions. There is no way for the community to regain what is lost when gifted kids leave.

Public schools need the voices of these insightful parents. Gifted education needs the support of these dedicated parents, who research gifted education, who study best practices, who analyze what is happening and what works. Most importantly, gifted education students need their homeschool peers in the classroom, because they are going to be architects of future community schools.

Duty. That's what the author is talking about.

The meaning of the term “duty” is: the moral necessity to perform certain actions for no reason other than obedience to some higher authority, without regard to any personal goal, motive, desire or interest.

Ayn Rand, “Causality Versus Duty,” Philosophy: Who Needs It, 95. (via the online Ayn Rand Lexicon)

In other words, public schools NEED gifted kids, and parents who choose to homeschool them instead of dutifully sending them to schools that cannot meet the needs of the children, those parents aren't doing their duty to be a part of the solution (which implies that they are then part of the problem). Sounds pretty selfish, doesn't it? Yes, yes it is. And hooray for that!

I don't have any sort of duty to send my child, gifted or not, to any school, simply because they feel like they "need" my kid. The government-run public schools do not have any moral claim on me or my children. And they have no claim on your kids, either.

Ugh. Particularly heinous was this plea (guilt trip!) that the schools need not only the kids, but the parents. You know, those parents who do all of this extra work for them (for free)! So, you selfish homeschooling parents of gifted kids, you're not only cheating the schools once by not turning over your children, you're cheating them twice, because who are they going to get to do all that research into how best to provide a rich learning experience for your child? Sheesh already.

So I was thrilled to discover that there are many parents who share the same sentiment! From the comments section of the article (my emphasis):

as the parents of these challenging children we have to do what is right for our families. When one has spent years banging one's head against a brick wall in order to make only a tiny bit of progress, and when your own child is suffering the consequences of being left in an inappropriate environment, you eventually wake up and realize that all of that energy that you are putting into the school can get a better return on investment by putting it directly into your child.

I'm sorry...if a building is burning and my child is inside, I am going to rescue my child, not attend a city council meeting on how to improve fire codes. Our public school failed me, failed my child, and I don't feel an obligation to fix the system for them. I begged for help from our principal and the teachers. I was met with indifference at best, sarcasm and hatefulness at the worst. I volunteered in the classroom, I played the game of endless conferences and assessments, but in the end I took my child out of that burning building and I haven't looked back.

My first priority is to my kids and their well-being. Aim your argument at the public schools, suggesting that serving the needs of gifted kids is actually in the best interests of the system, and I'm on board with you. I think you're right. But it is not in the best interest of my kids to suffer--and they did suffer quite profoundly!--the intellectual neglect and mistreatment of a curriculum that doesn't meet their needs, and I won't subject them to it any longer. . . It is NOT the duty of children and active, caring parents to sacrifice time, energy and sanity to try to fix a system that doesn't work for them. We can opt out of that and I for one feel no guilt whatsoever about doing so.

When a relationship consistently benefits one party and costs the other, it's not collaboration. And when the person consistently paying the price is a child, it's absolutely unacceptable. . . .

You would never choose to sacrifice your children to "educate" elitists who believe they are made from Teflon and that you have the problem, your child has a problem and the home environment has a problem - certainly there can be nothing wrong at the school! After all, you have insinuated the parents are at fault by not role modelling good collaboration skills, may I humbling suggest you review your data for this basis. Vote with your feet is my advice to EVERY parent of a gifted child. All of them are being sacrificed by "academics" and their dumbed down curriculum to make everything fair.

There were many other points made in the comments section, but I'm focusing here on a few of the remarks that are specifically aimed against the altruistic plea that parents stop homeschooling and put their children (who are selfish values to them) into a place that does not meet their needs, simply because someone at that school has decided the school NEEDS them. These commenters are right to resist sacrificing their children because of someone else's desires.

Hooray! I read comments like these and it encourages me, that people out there in the world have enough spirit, and enough selfishness, to ridicule and refute the horrible premise of this article.

Conversation From Last Week

Morgan: "Is the Death Star real?"

Brendan: "No."

M: "Did scientists discover it then?"

B: "No, it can't be discovered, because it doesn't exist."

Ryan: "But it will be discovered some day."

B: "Oh, are you going to search for one? Like a space explorer?"

R: "No, I'm going to build one, to crush my enemies!"

Podcast #2: Temperament

Here’s the second podcast! Woohoo!

The format for this time is:

* Situation of the Week (by Kelly)
* Topic: Temperament (begins around 4:54)
* Q&A (begins around 28:17)

Yes, we went REALLY long on our topic, partly because it’s a favorite one of ours, and partly because we forgot to watch our time! (Chalk that second reason up to our learning curve.) We were much more vigilant in our subsequent recordings, so we hope you won't hold our blathering on against us. :o)

Brendan did an absolutely AMAZING job of editing our podcast! He fixed the extreme left-right-stereo problem (which couldn’t have been avoided for the first podcast due to some of the technical problems we had recording the first podcast). But it sounds MUCH better. He also made our music sound fancy, and don’t miss the section with Morgan, Ryan, and Livy, just before the Q&A begins! We know that our sounds are still very poppy (hard P sounds, for instance), but we changed the position of the microphones beginning with the third podcast, so hopefully you’ll find that this is less noticeable beginning next time.

Our plan for now is to release a podcast about once a week, usually on a Monday or Tuesday. So check back next week for Podcast #3!

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UPDATE: Here's the picture of Ryan and Livy that Kelly mentioned in the podcast. Ryan's about 3 years old and Livy's about 18 months.

The One about the Fight

If you follow me on Twitter (and really, you should!), you might be aware that last week Ryan got into a fist fight with one of his neighborhood friends. I didn't actually witness the fight, which I think is an advantage for me in a strange way. Certainly this is a situation that requires Thoughtful Parenting, and now that things seem to have been resolved, I'm ready to share this story.

It was a nice spring afternoon, and Ryan and Morgan were running around in the backyard with four of their friends from the neighborhood. In addition to my kids, there were A., H., W., and E. All boys except for Miss Morgan.

There was some kind of play battle going on, as I could hear from inside. I was getting the baby down for his nap and we were rocking and rocking and rocking in the easy chair. As I was absentmindedly listening to the sounds from outside, I noticed a change in the screaming. If you have kids, you have probably had those moments where you wonder "Hmmm...is that part of the game, or is someone hurt/crying/mad/beating the crap out of someone else?" Well then.

I heard Ryan shout "Get out of my yard!!!!"

Then, A: "You're not the boss of me!!!!"

Then, more screaming.

Then, crashboombangunidentifednoises....

Then Morgan was stomping up the back stairs and saying, round-eyed, "Ryan and A. are having a fight!!!"

By this point I was trying to pretend that Sean was ready to be put down on his own so I could deal with this apparently serious situation. Sean, to my chagrin, was actually not in the mood for pretending along with me, so the next 10 minutes of my life were filled with screaming, pissed off boys. Morgan maintained her composure, but had the Big Eyes of Wonder and Worry.

W. and E. were waiting at the front door, ready to fill me on the details. A. and H. had already gone home. I had to tell W. and E. several times "No thank you, I don't want to hear about what happened. It's time for everyone to take a break and go back to their own houses." W. in particular was simply itching to tell me all kinds of stuff. (More on why I didn't want to hear his version in a bit.)

Meanwhile, Ryan was furious and trying to hold back tears. I made the mistake of trying to touch him once or twice and quickly backed off. (What am I, new here?) After Ryan ran upstairs to rage and/or calm down, I talked to Morgan to find out what she knew.

Based on both of their stories, here's what I was able to piece together:

All of the kids were playing a battle and then A. hit Ryan in the eye with a swim noodle (aka, a sword or lance or other weapon) on purpose (according to Ryan). When Ryan accused A. of the crime, A. called Ryan a moron (among other things) and the screaming began. A. threw a lawn chair at Ryan, who then threw it at the fence (which explains some of the crashing I heard). Some other lawn implements may or may not have been hurled. Then the fists started flying. (Neither boy was seriously physically hurt.)

Here's the thing: I don't really actually care who hit first or whether A. hit Ryan on purpose with the noodle. Which is why I sent the other boys home without hearing their eyewitness reports.

Most of the reason I don't care is because, quite frankly, I can't trust my sources. :o) Not only that, I didn't want to listen to W. and E. at that particular moment because Ryan was still in the Beyond Upset and Planning his Revenge Phase, and any variation from the Official, Ryan-Approved Version of the story would have been throwing fuel on top of that particular fire.

Now, based on what I know about both of these boys and their many years of history, personalities, etc. I do think it very likely that A. hit Ryan with the swim noodle accidentally, and Ryan overreacted by ordering A. out of the yard. And I also find it very likely that A. was probably the prime mover in the punching of the fists portion of the program.

Even so--what actually happened is less important to me than the fact that neither boy was very injured (no blood was shed at all), and that both boys have a plan going forward for how they will handle this next time.

After Ryan calmed way down (took a couple of hours), he told me his perspective about what happened and why. We discussed other ideas for what he could do the next time he and A. got so mad at each other that they felt like hitting each other, or really, the next time anybody felt like someone was hurting them on purpose in any way (the swim noodle!). I explained that I didn't really want them to play together until the two of them talked about what happened and agreed on a plan for next time. Ryan understood what I was saying, but was still in I'm Never Playing With HIM Ever Again mode.

Also, I should mention that I talked over with Morgan some things she could do if she ever found herself in a bystander role. She could, of course, come and get a grownup, which she did. She was happy to know she did a right thing. I also suggested that she could shout "STOP!" as loud as she could, because that might get the fighters to realize they should stop. Or at the very least, alert any grownups who happen to be nearby trying to put toddlers down for a nap.

And this is where the real parenting challenge began for me. Because I haven't had the best success in getting cooperation from the other parents when our boys have had disagreements in the past. They are nice people, but they parent differently from the way we do (tending toward permissive, I'd say), and they also seem really reluctant to handle anything that requires a confrontation or a resolution toward the future. In fact, based on the way similar (but less serious) matters have been treated in the past, I was not at all hopeful that the other mom would even agree to having the boys talk together about this.

Later that afternoon, I called the other mom, who seemed pleasantly surprised to find that I was calling regarding the fight. Sigh. But she did readily agree to my idea that I thought that Ryan and A. needed to sit down together, with us parents, and talk about what happened and figure out a plan for next time. We agreed to get the boys together after dinner that night.

That might have worked on our end. After those several hours had passed, Ryan had calmed down and developed some perspective (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and I think he would have been fine in our discussion. However, the other boy had fallen asleep at an unusually early hour. From the stress of the fight? Or was he over-tired and was that a factor in what happened? Who knows? Anyway, the discussion didn't happen that night.

His mom texted me to say A. had fallen asleep early, but mentioned that she had "talked to him" about the incident. I called the next day and left a message. Then nothing for a couple of days. Based on the past, I think she thought (thinks?) that because I'd talked to Ryan and she'd talked to her son, that the problem was handled.

But the way I view it, the problem that the boys have with each other was not handled. Each mom talked to her boy, and we probably said the same things to each of them: "Use words." "Come and get me next time." "I'm sure he didn't mean it that way." And maybe what we said was comforting (because that's what we mommies do, comfort).

However, I strongly believe that Ryan and A. needed to discuss the problem and agree on a plan for next time. A big component of Positive Discipline is looking forward. We don't just deal with what's just happened, we don't just listen, empathize, and not punish; we put tools into the hands of our children so that they might be better equipped to handle similar issues in the future. (As an aside, I think punishments/rewards can distract from the learning of new tools. Also, taking time to calm down helps, since in the heat of the moment, people often don't really care about the future, focused as they are on the recent past and their present feelings of anger.)

What I decided to do after I started to suspect that the other mom considered the matter closed is talk to both boys myself. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do parenting-wise when there's a kid involved who doesn't belong to you. But no matter what the other mom and kid want, MY kid is involved and I want him to have these tools. Also because of what had occurred, I really didn't trust the two of them to play together without supervision. I hate having to supervise 7 and 8 year olds playing in the backyard when they ought to be able to supervise themselves. So I wanted both boys to have some tools to use for next time, and this needed to be a prerequisite of their playing together unsupervised.

Well, we happened to see A. and H. this evening while grilling out our dinner on the balcony. The kids all seemed super happy to see each other and Ryan and A. were talking like old times. Yay. I was biding my time, not saying anything about the fight (they were talking over the fence between our yards). Then Ryan asked if he could go over and I jumped at the opportunity. This was not the way I'd envisioned it--sitting together in the kitchen, with parents from all sides, etc. But I went for it anyway.

I told them I'd be happy for them to play together, but I thought the two of them--all of them really, since H. and Morgan were there, too--ought to come up with a plan for next time they all felt angry and wanted to start hitting each other. All four children (ages 5, 5.5, 7.5, and 8) readily agreed. In fact, they were kind of laughing about the incident. A. said, "Yeah, we don't want that to happen again." and Ryan agreed.

So I said, "Okay, do you want to hear my idea? Let's all think of six OTHER things we might do if we're feeling so mad we might want to hit."

A.: "We saw a movie at school that talked about 10 things to do instead of fight."

Me: "Great! Give us some ideas!"

And the kids--all FOUR of them--came up with six ideas. It was kind of difficult to keep the conversation on track, since they sort of drifted off into wild and crazy tangents, and kept laughing over some of their ideas. Not to mention the fact that I was leaning over the balcony rail and all of the kids were talking over the fence. But they were all agreeable to the process and really had fun doing it. So this is the story of how I helped four children create a Wheel of Choice while shouting over the edge of my balcony.

What's a Wheel of Choice? Why, it's a Positive Discipline Tool Card!


In our case, the Wheel of Choice is a list of thing s the children agreed to do in the future. Our Plan. Here's a picture (I wrote it up later, but will copy it for A.):


Here's what they agreed. Instead of hitting, they will choose one of the following instead:

• Use words to say how mad they are

• Hit something soft like a pillow (or a bag of flour, someone suggested)

• Make a Mad Face out of something (A.'s suggestion, from his movie at school. Apparently someone made a Mad Face on a pizza and then ate it! The kids thought other Mad Faces might work--with sticks or pine cones, or draw a picture on the ground.)

• Pull up grass (like if you're outside and need to do something physical, grab a chunk of grass and pull until you feel better)

• Find a grownup (MY suggestion!)

• Hit yourself instead of someone else, but not too hard! (They all simply cracked up at the idea of "Hey I'm so mad at you I'm going to bonk MYSELF on the head!" It's not my favorite idea, but this was their list. And it is a little silly--sometimes a bit of comic relief can help a tense situation.)

So they told me their list, and were all laughing like the chums they usually are about the whole thing. Even through the playfulness, it seemed like they knew I was very serious, and Ryan and A. did seem to want to make it up. :o) I let the kids know I'd write it up, and I'll be sure to point it out to them the next few times they play together. As well as keep a close watch on them. Because even though they now have tools for moving forward, they will need some adult supervision for a while. Both boys are highly sensitive and vengeance-prone. And young enough to need help.

So this situation has been handled (for now). Ideally, we parents would have sat them down and all of us talked together. That didn't--and probably wasn't--going to happen. As much as I hate to take parenting matters into my own hands, I really thought I needed to. At the very least, these will be the ground rules for future playdates at my house--and I'm sure if they fight over at A.'s house his mom will send everyone home until they chill out, even if they don't consult the Wheel of Choice.

And that was the story of Ryan's First (and hopefully Only) Fist Fight!

Secular Thursday: History at our House

For this week's Secular Thursday post, I'd like to showcase one of our favorite parts of how we do homeschooling around here: History at our House!

Ryan is about to finish up Ancient History for Lower Elementary students. We listen to recorded lectures for now. We hope to do a live class one of these years, probably when everyone is a little older, since I have a hard time imagining what I'd do with Sean to keep him quiet during a live class. The recorded lecture plan (Tier 1) fits our family very well.

Ryan is a very enthusiastic HAOH fan. We are planning to do European History for Lower El next year, and then we'll move on to American History (his favorite). I asked Ryan if he had things to say about HAOH if anyone is thinking about taking it. Here's our interview (captured as best I could):

What's your favorite part of HAOH?

My favorite part is just that there's a lot of neat stuff you can learn and you don't have to go to school or college. I also like History Through Art because mostly there's battle scenes and stuff that's pretty interesting. History's pretty interesting--stuff that REALLY happened is really interesting. History's one of my favorite things in the world. I'm going to go wild with history!


What neat stuff have you learned?

Mostly, the neat stuff comes from Egypt and Greece and Rome and a lot of neat stuff from Mesopotamia, but mostly Greece. The Hoplites and phalanxes and battles.


What's your favorite period of Ancient History?

The Athenian Golden Age


Why?

It feels so golden because there wasn't much war and they had a big triangle of walls to protect them. Mr. Powell's favorite time was Athenian Golden Age, too. And there was a lot of democracy and freedom but then the Spartans got mad and attacked then that was the Peloponnesian Wars.


What do you think of Mr. Powell?

I'd say he's great and he mostly makes jokes about history and mostly makes sense. He's a nice guy and goes with nice [art] scenes, not having heads rolling around the battlefields and stuff like that and that's good manners. So I'd say he's great.

How's that for an endorsement? :o) And for a more direct look at what Mr. Powell has to say about his own program, check out his new promotional video:




I'd be more than happy to answer any questions you might have about this program. It's been fun, educational, a great value. And it's not just for homeschoolers--anyone can use the program, so if you want to supplement the history your child is getting at school, HAOH would be a great way to go.

A few of MY favorite HAOH things:

• It's a secular program, which is important to me.

• I love the way Mr. Powell interacts with the kids (we hear this listening to the recordings). He keeps the class on track but usually has time for a quick joke or a "how's your weekend?" kind of discussion. It's clear he has a nice rapport with his classes. Ryan thinks Mr. Powell is HILARIOUS. :o)
  

• The way he presents history (at least to the Lower El class) is kind of a story, and he always builds upon the facts they previously learned, so they can see some connections. I am not sure Ryan always understands the timeline, but he is learning how to read it so he can understand that certain things happening in Persia took place at the same time other things were happening in Greece, etc.

As I've listened along with Ryan, which I generally do in order to help him grasp some of the trickier ideas and to keep up with what he's learning so I can supplement/enhance it (we're reading Greek Myths, for example), I have learned a few things about Ancient History that I never knew, too. And my five year old has even picked up some historical knowledge here and there. Very cool.

So check it out if you haven't already!

Note: I have not been paid anything to write this. Just a satisfied customer trying to get the word out. :o)

PD Tool Card: Another Family Conference Update

Okay, I think this will be the last official Family Conference update I'll do for a while, now that things are settling down to a routine. In case you forgot what happened in last week's episode, you can find it here.

This week's conference was a little unusual in that A.) it took place at the cabin, and B.) we had four members of our extended family in attendance. At least two of the family members have read my blog posts about previous family meetings conferences, and we brought the others up to speed about their purpose. I figured that we might as well have our Family Conference with everyone there, since they are all part of our family after all, and I wanted to keep up with our routine. I'm not sure what they expected at first, but they all played along nicely. (Thanks!)

Morgan was Queen of this week's Conference. I talked to her a little about the agenda before we got started yesterday morning, just after breakfast. I was pretty impressed that she remembered most of the major points independently. Our agenda was:

• Call Family Conference to Order

• Wish Ryan a Happy Birthday (Morgan's idea!)

• Family Calendar

• Compliments (again, her idea to put it this far back in the agenda)

• Choose the next King/Queen/El Presidente

• Allowance/Get ready to go home and have birthday cake

We didn't have our bell, so she just announced "Hey it's time for the Family Conference!" I tried suggested that she just say "ding!" but I guess she didn't like that idea. Oh well. Her plan worked nicely, particularly since everyone was already seated around the dining room table. :o)

She suggested we all wish Ryan a Happy Birthday. I asked him if he wanted us to sing and he declined (we sang later when he blew out the candles on his cake). So we all cheered "Happy Birthday, Ryan!" with a few WooHoos thrown in for good measure as I recall.

Next we reviewed the calendar, including detailed plans for the day (since we had many grand birthday-related plans), and then the week. Everyone was happy to know that our family was staying until today (they left a little while ago). And in addition to our normal kid activities, I am attending my second Positive Discipline Workshop on Friday and Saturday, so this really will be an unusual week for us.

Calendar reviewed, it was finally time to get on with the compliments. Everyone, including our out-of-towners, took part in the love-fest, and it was very cute and smile-inducing. :o)

Ryan will be next week's President, and allowance was not-quite-handed out as the CFO/Treasurer of the Family* did not have the cash on hand. Will rectify that today.

And that was pretty much it! Almost boring, yes? :o) I'm sure some funny things were said, but if there were, my brain appears to have misplaced them (Brendan? Uncle B? Nonnie?).

You know what? That's okay. Establishing this family habit has taken 5 weeks, but it's been worth it. I think if we do keep this habit going, it will become such a valuable way for the five of us (plus guests!) to reconnect in a nice way (those compliments!) and problem-solve and keep track of all of our many goings-on. I have been told by many that getting into this habit while the kids are young will pay off in spades as they get older, when our calendars and problems become more complicated. And I'll be sure to keep you posted if anything super-interesting happens at our future Conferences!


*Uh, me.

Still Here, Just Busy

Damn busy! My in-laws are still here and we're having fun. Hooray!

Hope to post something by tomorrow (we had a Family Conference yesterday that was interesting). In the meantime, enjoy a few pics from Ryan's birthday weekend.









Bye for now!

Cultivating the Virtues Podcast #1

Hooray! I am pleased to announce that our first Cultivating the Virtues Podcast is live!

We couldn't have done this without Brendan, who oh-so-patiently helped us recover lost files and made it sound pretty. Oh yeah, and he listened to me stress out and complain a whole bunch, too. :o)

I think it's pretty good for a first effort. We learned from the first two podcasts and made some changes for podcasts 3-6, all of which have been recorded and just need to be put together and made purty. We are really REALLY hoping that the process goes much more smoothly with podcasts 2-6. Not having corrupted files will really help that, I think. Speaking of corrupted files, there are a few spots in Podcast 1 that may sound strangely cutoff, and those were bits of the non-recoverable files. We're all just going to have to deal. :o)

Anyway, I'm SO excited! Kelly and I have been enjoying ourselves and we have some exciting new things we'll be adding, too. You can listen to this below (it's in mp3 format), or click over to our podbean site to download it.

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MiniCon 2010 Update, Part Two

Here is a nice little announcement about our MiniCon. Feel free to copy & paste, or link to it on your blog, Facebook, Twitter, email groups, etc. :o)

Announcing MiniCon! The Atlanta Objectivist Society (AOS) is sponsoring a weekend of socializing, lectures, and workshops over Independence Day weekend.

Where: Northwest Atlanta Suburbs, Atlanta, Georgia

When: July 2 - July 5, 2010

Planned Activities:

• Friday evening: Meet and greet at a local restaurant

• Saturday during the day: lectures and discussions and an opportunity to socialize with other Objectivists

• Saturday evening: Party!!

• Sunday morning: a few more lectures or discussions

• Sunday afternoon: a 4^th of July BBQ and pool party

• Sunday evening: On your own for fireworks or socializing
  

• Monday late morning: Shooting at a local gun range (local gun owners will be glad to let you use their guns and will teach any newbies who want to learn)

Lectures and Workshops:

There will be many presentations and interactive workshops on a variety of topics: Introduction to Objectivism, a Bloggers Round Table, a Crossfit guided workout, a Paleo cooking demonstration (and taste-test!), Quantum Mechanics, Special Relativity, two Positive Discipline Parenting mini-workshops, Appreciating Poetry, and much more! For a complete list of lectures and workshops, click here.


Cost:

We wanted to make this as affordable as possible, therefore the costs are minimal (outside of travel and hotel). The small fees are to cover the costs associated with renting the facility for holding the classes. You can attend everything for about $30! For more information, click here.


Why?

The idea came about because many of us were sad that we couldn't make it to this year's OCON in Las Vegas, and we also generally enjoy spending Independence Day with fellow Objectivists. While none of us are professional philosophers, many of us are very knowledgeable in our own fields of expertise, so we thought of this as a chance to share what we know with others who might be interested.


What's Next:

We need your help! If you are interested in coming, please fill out our pre-registration form soon. We are trying to estimate how many people might come to MiniCon.

We also would love it if you would blog, tweet, share on Facebook, tell your friends, family, and even random strangers about MiniCon! Feel free to copy and paste this announcement to your local Objectivist groups or your blog.

MiniCon 2010 Update

Hey everyone! Check out the new information about our Independence Day weekend MiniCon, sponsored by the Atlanta Objectivist Society (and organized by Kelly Elmore)!

We have a list of the lectures and workshops, some pricing information, and a pre-registration form. If you are seriously interested in coming, please fill out our pre-reg form to help us get an idea of how many people might be showing up. :o)

I'll be leading the Bloggers Round Table, and Kelly and I are leading two parenting workshops. I'm so excited!

Also, I'd really appreciate it if you'd spread the word--RT the announcement on Twitter, link to this post, etc. I'll be doing other advertising, too, but this is just the first step.

Gotta go for now, in-laws due soon and I need coffee to deal with these monkey-spaz-bouncy kids.

Objectivist Round Up!

This week's edition of the Objectivist Round Up is at Sacred Ego! It's a large edition--possibly the biggest one yet, 29 entries. Don't miss it!

And it's possible, just possible, that Kelly's and my first podcast will be up today at Cultivating the Virtues. It has been quite the thing to get this first one produced, due to some technical problems involving netbooks that go to sleep in the middle of recording and freeze up and corrupt some files, learning to use the software, and toddlers who accidentally unplug a laptop with a wonky battery in the middle of editing causing the editor (Brendan) to have to start. all. over. again. But we're close. Oh-so-close. :)

More Parenting Through Literature

Today has been a good day on the parenting front. I am in that magical carefully-considered-defined-introspected-and-worked-hard-to-cultivate Zone where no matter what happens or what spills, I am able to handle the incident in a kind, gentle, firm, guidance-oriented way. Especially considering that we have Deadlines and Tasks and other Capital-Lettered Words that us Type A-types seem to be concerned with looming up. Look at me--growing as a person here. :o)

It is much easier for me to remember to be a playful parent when I'm in that Zone, and when I remember to be playful, we all have fun (imagine!) and I'm able to sustain that Zone-y feeling. But if I lose that Zone-y feeling (sing it with me! "You've lost that Zone-y feeling, wooooah that Zone-y feeling . . . !), it's so much harder to keep my parenting goals and tools at the forefront of my consciousness.

Here's an example of how I awesome I've been today--after soccer, we all came home and rested and had a snack and cooled down a little while. Then it was time to do some cleaning up for our guests who are arriving tomorrow. (Because even I have housekeeping standards. It's true.) Ryan volunteered (!) to clean the bathroom surfaces, window and mirrors, so I sent him off to do that, armed with supplies.

Morgan, as my regular readers will know, is a reluctant worker when it comes to household chores. Also, it's extremely difficult to get her re-focused away from what's going on in her head and onto any particular thing I need her to do in general. She indicated an interest in wiping surfaces (these kids love anything that involves wet wipes or Windex and paper towels). I was cleaning the kitchen, and knowing I should keep her near me so I could help her stay on task, I suggested she wipe down the pantry door and all of the cabinets and drawers. Because, they're all pretty nasty, to be perfectly honest.

She happily obliged. After spending about 2.5 minutes wiping the door, she wandered away. I called her back with "Hey Morgan! Wow, that door sure is white where you cleaned it! Come finish the rest and make it match!"

She came back, cleaned for another minute, then drifted off again.

Me: "Morgan, I can tell you've worked so hard on this door. I can't believe how close you are to finishing it. I knew I could count on you!"

She perked up at this--I know that she LOVES it when we give her responsibility and notice how well she's handled it. Really, all kids like this as far as I can tell, but she especially enjoys this now that she's reached the ripe old age of five. She came back and said, "Just you wait, Mom! I'm not done yet!" And then she finished the door.

In the meantime, Ryan kept dashing into the kitchen with "casualties" from his battle (used up paper towels from the Battle of the Mirror, apparently). :o)

So I was all proud of myself for being encouraging (yet not praising with a vague "Good job!" or "Good girl" or "You're the best daughter ever!") and keeping my temper and NOT saying things in a mean voice like "You haven't finished yet." or "Come back here!" or "Why do you keep leaving? Don't you see you're not done?" or anything else similarly discouraging. I was teaching her some real jobs and taking the time to show her how to do them. And she really stepped up. Seriously, this child is typically nearly impossible to get any real help out of, she really is (ask Brendan or Kelly!).

After a while, Ryan had finished his jobs and Sean was becoming crazy annoying something of a hindrance to the cleaning process. So I assigned Ryan to play with Sean, which in a household with a toddler is considered an actual real job (at least in our household).

Somewhere along the way, I noticed something and said:

"Hey Morgan, this is just like in Little House on the Prairie. Ma and one of the older girls working and doing chores and the other older kid playing with the baby."

Again, I probably would not have thought to say that if I'd been stressed out task-focused grumpy-because-the-house-is-a-mess-and-I-never-get-any-help Mommy. And somehow it was the perfect thing I could have possibly said.

Every task after that was "Ma! Look how I'm cleaning this table! Just like on the prairie." and "I wonder when Pa is coming home from work." and "It sure is a Big Job to keep our house tidy when we live on the prairie!" and "Won't Nonnie and Uncle Tim just love to visit our clean house? When will their covered wagon arrive tomorrow?"

She made me call her Laura and we've been referring to Sean as Carrie for the last few hours. Ryan has somehow managed not to say something disparaging once about being referred to as Mary (it's possible he hasn't noticed and I'm not eager to enlighten him just yet). It was so easy and FUN to finish up our cleaning (and we're not really finished yet, just taking a break).

When I sat down to rock the baby, she sat near me and asked what Laura might do when Ma was with the baby. I suggested that the real Laura might have played with dolls or worked on sewing or read a book. She decided to read a book and then went and got a stuffed dog (renamed Jack in honor of our game).

Fun day. A nice reminder to me that Parenting in the Zone makes it easier to stay in the Zone, and to make sure to include Morgan and give her responsibilities. I need to keep noticing when she steps up, and we need to have FUN.

Now I'm wondering what I should add to our reading list next, since this Parenting through Literature things works so well around here. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer? We have some painting that needs doing. What else?

Unearned Guilt and the Mommy Wars

Ah, the Mommy Wars. Breast vs Formula. Stay-at-home vs Career. Homeschooling vs Private vs Public Schools. Repeat C-Section vs VBAC. Natural Birth vs Epidurals. Positive Discipline vs Super-Nanny vs Spanking.

Those are just a very, very few of the main battles that are ongoing in the realm of Mommydom (and Daddydom--Dads are not completely immune, though it's mostly us Mommies).

I've written about these issues and the Mommy Wars that surround them in the past once or twice, but I've never specifically addressed what I see as a primary cause of the Mommy War Phenomenon itself. When a battle in the Mommy War breaks out, I see a couple of themes over and over again: "Don't Judge Me (or Anyone)" and "Stop Trying to Guilt Me into X."

Just so you know the kinds of things I'm talking about, here's an example of a couple comments on a post on Motherlode, the parenting blog of The New York Times (my emphasis):

. . . I think women need to be less judgmental of each other in this matter.

. . . I also want to add a note about what I came to think of as the “lactation mafia” — women who do their best to guilt other women into breast feeding, no matter how good a fit it is for the mom and the new baby.

These sorts of comments are very typical, and it took me less than a minute to locate them in the comment thread.

Here's the thing about the Mommy Wars:

I don't play.

And it's a game, not a war. It's a game of guilt and judging-while-pretending-not-to-judge and not taking into account the full context of one's (or another's) decisions and pragmatism and subjectivism. It's a game and I refuse to play.

Here's what Ayn Rand said about moral judgment (my emphasis):

The precept: “Judge not, that ye be not judged” . . . is an abdication of moral responsibility: it is a moral blank check one gives to others in exchange for a moral blank check one expects for oneself.

There is no escape from the fact that men have to make choices; so long as men have to make choices, there is no escape from moral values; so long as moral values are at stake, no moral neutrality is possible. To abstain from condemning a torturer, is to become an accessory to the torture and murder of his victims.

The moral principle to adopt in this issue, is: “Judge, and be prepared to be judged.”

The opposite of moral neutrality is not a blind, arbitrary, self-righteous condemnation of any idea, action or person that does not fit one’s mood, one’s memorized slogans or one’s snap judgment of the moment. Indiscriminate tolerance and indiscriminate condemnation are not two opposites: they are two variants of the same evasion. To declare that “everybody is white” or “everybody is black” or “everybody is neither white nor black, but gray,” is not a moral judgment, but an escape from the responsibility of moral judgment.

To judge means: to evaluate a given concrete by reference to an abstract principle or standard. It is not an easy task; it is not a task that can be performed automatically by one’s feelings, “instincts” or hunches. It is a task that requires the most precise, the most exacting, the most ruthlessly objective and rational process of thought. It is fairly easy to grasp abstract moral principles; it can be very difficult to apply them to a given situation, particularly when it involves the moral character of another person. When one pronounces moral judgment, whether in praise or in blame, one must be prepared to answer “Why?” and to prove one’s case—to oneself and to any rational inquirer.

Ayn Rand, “How Does One Lead a Rational Life in an Irrational Society?” The Virtue of Selfishness, 72.

So what does this mean? It means I have made moral choices regarding my parenting and myself according to the best of my judgment. Some of those decisions have been objectively less-than-ideal, but morally correct, given my personal situation.

A great example of this would be my three c-sections, particularly the third one. I know that c-sections are riskier for mom and baby, and less-than-ideal. In most situations, a vaginal birth is clearly the way to go. I support VBAC and natural birth and home births, if that's what a mom wants. I think the c-section rates are way too high, especially in Georgia. You can quote me the statistics about c-section rates and risks to mom and baby. I know them. I know enough to quote them back at you, probably. I do not support c-sections for either the mom's or doctor's "convenience" and will do my absolute best to talk someone out of that idea (believe me, there is nothing "convenient" about recovering from abdominal surgery while exhausted by caring for a newborn!).

You may judge me for choosing to have Sean via c-section. Of the three kids, he is the one I most likely could have delivered VBAC. I did not choose to even try. I had good reasons (selfish ones, even) to make this decision. But I'm not even going to try to explain them here. You may judge me, you may choose to think I was right or wrong about this. It's okay, and if you think I was wrong, I do understand your point of view.

Here's another thing:

I don't feel guilty.

I don't feel guilty because I made the correct decision, morally. I chose the objectively less-than-ideal for moral reasons and I did the right thing. If someone judges me, if someone shakes their finger at me and says "You did the wrong thing!" I can deal with that. I know what I chose and why. I have nothing to feel guilty about, and therefore the fact that someone might say "You made the wrong choice!" or lift their eyebrows when I mention the c-sections or advocate natural birth or say out loud that "Every woman should try to have such-and-such-type of birth because it's ideal." . . . none of those things has the power to make me feel guilty about my choice.

The only person who can make ME feel guilty about a moral decision I've made is ME. So I can accept that you disagree with my choice--and move on with my life. I can support your doing something differently, and even agree with you: "Yup, having a vaginal birth is best for everyone!" Because objectively, all other factors being equal, it is. I can't argue with that fact of reality.

If I know that I made a morally correct decision, and yet feel "pressure" from other moms who have made different decisions for their circumstances; yet feel that those other moms are trying to "make me feel guilty" somehow; yet feel threatened and defensive about their other choices; then I am accepting what Ayn Rand called unearned guilt (again, via the online Ayn Rand Lexicon and my emphasis):

The virtue of Pride can best be described by the term: “moral ambitiousness.” It means that one must earn the right to hold oneself as one’s own highest value by achieving one’s own moral perfection—which one achieves by never accepting any code of irrational virtues impossible to practice and by never failing to practice the virtues one knows to be rational—by never accepting an unearned guilt and never earning any, or, if one has earned it, never leaving it uncorrected—by never resigning oneself passively to any flaws in one’s character—by never placing any concern, wish, fear or mood of the moment above the reality of one’s own self-esteem. And, above all, it means one’s rejection of the role of a sacrificial animal, the rejection of any doctrine that preaches self-immolation as a moral virtue or duty.

Ayn Rand, “The Objectivist Ethics,” The Virtue of Selfishness, 27.

I have felt guilty about some of my parenting decisions--because I made wrong decisions. I didn't judge them as wrong because they differed from the decisions of others (that's second-handedness) but because they were objectively wrong. I don't confess my sins to others any longer (since leaving Catholicism), because I don't need others (real or imaginary) to forgive me, so you'll just have to wonder what those sins are. ;)

Here's an example of a time I accepted unearned guilt--when Ryan had his Big Peanut Kaboom. Practically the very first thing I read online about peanut allergies basically said that women who ate peanuts while pregnancy caused their kid's peanut allergies. Guess what I ate a lot of during Ryan's pregnancy? :( I felt horrible. I thought I had done this to my child. Even after I learned that this link was tenuous at best (and all but disproven now, to my knowledge), I continued to feel guilty and what-if myself. Finally, I realized that even if there was a direct causal link between what I ate during pregnancy and Ryan's terrible allergy, I shouldn't feel guilty about what I had done because it was an error of knowledge. I can't be morally responsible for doing something harmful when I had no idea that it might be harmful, and I really didn't. (I would be morally responsible for doing it when I knew it was harmful.) I was able to let the unearned guilt go after realizing that.

I don't feel unearned guilt because my friends gave birth vaginally. I am not defensive when they tell me about their birth experiences. I don't feel "pressure" or unfairly judged for my birth decisions. I love to hear their stories, and wonder what labor would have been like for me. My feelings are not hurt if they say "I think there are too many c-sections." or "C-sections are not as safe for mom and baby." My feelings are not hurt because those are factual statements.

And I can't feel guilty about my c-sections. I think c-sections are wonderful things and I'm so happy that I had a doctor who is really great at doing that surgery. Without them, my first baby might not have survived. And, too, my second baby was at a high risk. I made the morally correct decision for rationally selfish reasons to the absolute best of my knowledge. And therefore I am free of "pressure" from others who confidently declare their ideas of the best ways to give birth.

Conversely, I feel confident in stating out loud what I believe to be Best Parenting Practices: vaginal births, not spanking, attachment-style parenting when they're babies, keeping kids out of government schools, breastfeeding. I have reasons for thinking all of these things, and I think I'm right about them. I will be happy to talk to you about my reasoning, and am also willing to check my premises (because I might be wrong!).

But I am not stating these in an effort to make you feel pressured or guilty for doing something differently. Now, you may make different decisions from me, and be guilt-free about it, knowing that you have made perfectly moral decisions. If you feel guilty, maybe you are accepting unearned guilt, or maybe you made a wrong decision. Only you can really know that, and I don't need you to confess to me, either! But that guilty feeling comes from you, not me.

My point about the Mommy Wars is that it's fine to judge others and be judged by others, and to know that if you are making your decisions to the best of your knowledge, within your own rationally selfish context (if you truly need to work, then by all means, feed your baby formula sometimes!), then we Mommies should stop accepting unearned guilt and getting all defensive when other Mommies choose something else and confidently declare that they are proud for doing so. If you do feel rightly guilty (as I have) about something you have done, then figure out why, try to correct it and try not to make it again.

Also, it is possible to simultaneously judge someone else's actions as wrong and yet understand that you may not have all of the information about that person's context. So judge it as wrong, and if later evidence comes out that sheds a different light on that person's decision, change your mind about it. That's possible, too. And it's also possible to judge inside one's head, and not offer a loud opinion in social situations where such discussion is out-of bounds. (That's just good manners.)

If someone tries to make me feel pressured or guilty about c-sections--well, they can't. Because they don't have that power over me. Because I know that not every repeat c-section is the result of an immoral decision. Because I choose to say "Oh. Hmmm." and move on with my life. Because I can know that they don't understand (or maybe even want to understand) the particulars of my situation. And I can choose not to explain the particulars, too. I can find those sorts of people pushy and annoying, but they can't give me guilt.

So I urge you, the next time you feel pressured to participate in a Mommy War, consider dropping your end of the rope, walking away from the playground, just not playing. Don't feel guilty for your morally correct choices. And don't stop judging either.

PD Tool Card: Family CONFERENCE Update!

We had our fourth Family Conference yesterday morning and it went swimmingly. This is really turning into a good tool/experience for our family.

As you are no doubt aware, Ryan was King of this week's Meeting, I mean, Conference. It was evident from the very start that he'd been doing quite a lot of planning for the Conference. He was pestering us about it from the very second we arrived downstairs. I reminded him of my powerful need for morning coffee and got him to agree to put off the conference so that I might be properly caffeinated. What an accommodating King. Merciful and benevolent.

The King called our Conference to order with a smart bell-ringing and then jumped right in. He began the round of compliments, but this week's love-fest was shorter than in previous weeks, mostly because we had Serious Business to Get Done. (God he is just like me! I used to have to remind myself to go around and greet my employees at the beginning of each day, fighting the urge to go and do some work already, but knowing that this face-time was also important.)

Before we could get on to the Family Calendar, he introduced some proposed changes. I can't quite remember the order in which these proposals were discussed, but here they were:

Proposal:

Changing the name of King or Queen of the Meeting Conference

Discussion:

Ryan felt this was an important change. Because we believe in Freedom in our family (and in our country), he thought we should have a President of the Conference, instead of traditional monarchical-derived nomenclature (no, not his words). You know, those Kings and Queens pretty much want people to obey them and that's not how Freedom works (his words, more or less). Also, Presidents are elected, and we elect the next person at the end of each meeting. As monarchs are not typically elected to their positions of power, the use of the title King/Queen seems somewhat ill-suited to our purposes (my summation).

Brendan and I thought President made a lot of sense, considering the values we espouse here in this family. Morgan wasn't so sure and really enjoyed the idea of being a Queen. Brendan proposed that whoever runs the Conference can decide what they choose to be called, and there was a vote and it passed.

Resolved:

Be it hereby proclaimed and understood that the person who is running the Family Conference can decide upon his/her own title for the meeting, but that also if that person chooses to be referred to as King/Queen, that doesn't mean he/she can dissolve our democratic process.


Proposal:

The President/King/Queen holds the allowance during the Meeting Conference, and is in charge of dispensing said allowance at the end of the Meeting Conference.

Discussion:

Brendan immediately agreed, and wondered aloud how much allowance Ryan was prepared to give to him. :o) It was clear that Ryan had not anticipated this development and was momentarily stunned into silence. (This is really rare!) He then clarified that he was talking about KID allowance, since Brendan had a job and all. The proposal was agreed upon and passed unanimously.

Resolved:

The President/King/Queen/Imperial Majesty will now hold the total amount of KID allowance for distribution to all KID allowance recipients at the end of the meeting. I went and got $4 from my wallet (three for him, one for Morgan, who doesn't officially gets an allowance but likes to feel included. Later, I will find her dollar on the floor and put it back in my wallet) and handed it to him. He fondled the money lovingly throughout the rest of the Meeting Conference.


Next, we had a short interlude while we discussed what the word unanimous means, and we all practiced pronouncing it. Then, on to the next . . .


Proposal:

The President/King/Queen/Runner of Meetings Conferences Peopleguy will ring the bell once at the beginning of the Meeting Conference, and two times at the end.

Discussion:

Uh, sure. Why not?

Resolved:

It was unanimously decided that ONCE shall be the ringing of the bell (bell bell bell bell) at the beginning of the Meeting Conference and TWICE shall be the ringing at the end. Although I'm pretty sure we'll forget to do this. Not to worry--our fearless (now-ex-) President will remind us.

Next: more practicing the word unanimous.

At some point we actually got to the Family Calendar which is chock full this week, since we had the Messy Party and sleepover yesterday, have our regularly scheduled kid activities, and roofing peopleguys coming (long story), plus Brendan's family arriving on Friday to celebrate Ryan's birthday (which is next Sunday). We'll be heading up to the cabin on Saturday, and having fun exciting adventures, too. (Ed. Note: If I disappear from the blog/Twitter toward the end of the week, now you'll understand why!)

We also discussed the semi-annual neighborhood garage sale coming up in a couple of weeks. It seems that I will have eager helpers. :o)

Finally we voted on the next President/King/Queen/Maharajah of the Conference. I think our current King President was hoping he'd be elected again, since he'd done such a fine job. And he had done a fine job! But Brendan, Morgan, and I voted for Morgan (who wants to be Queen). Ryan changed his vote at the last minute, saying that he didn't want his lone vote to be a losing vote, so even though he didn't really want Morgan to be Queen of the next Conference, he didn't mind changing his vote so that he'd be on the winning side of the vote. How thoughtful!

He doled out allowance, rang the bell twice, and we were free to go about our business!

Book Arts Bash Winners

I'm pleased to help announce the winners and sponsors of the Book Arts Bash! The Book Arts Bash is a writing contest for homeschoolers. I helped judge the 6th grade entries back in February--they were ALL impressive. Congratulations to each of the kids!

Kindergarten and First Grade:

Winner:
A Big Problem by Brianna T.
Runners up:
Adventures of Big D and BMC by Emma W.
Zoo With A Strange Zookeeper by Vivian L.

Second and Third Grade:

Winner:
The Adventures of Blue Flame the Heroic Giant Squid-Fighting Hero by Sage M.
Runners Up:
Ruby, A Twisting Tale by Emilie M.
Mittens the Cat by Melea von T.

Fourth and Fifth Grade:

Winner:
1 by Nicci M.
Runners up:
One Girl Revolution by Sadie Z.
Blaze by Alexandra S.

Sixth Grade:

Winner:
The Princess by Lena G.
Runners up:
Becoming Callie by Lena G.
Trixie by Lydia A.

Seventh Grade:

Winner:
Happy Ending is a Place by Mandy H.
Runners up:
Violet Fire by Bryn B.
Kite by Hannah S.

Eighth Grade:

Winner:
Hollin by Garrett R.
Runners up:
Common Animals by Thomas B.
Little Angel by Adayla S.

Ninth Grade:

Winner:
Why I Missed the Second Set by Rose C.
Runners up:
Untitled by Larissa S.
Tales of the Humbats: The Seventh Piece by Raven M.

Tenth Grade:

Winner:
Children of the Stars by Holden M.
Runners up:
Shattering Darkness by Vienna H.
The Scouser Cap by Emily V.

Eleventh Grade:

Winner:
Cadence by Scout G.
Runners up:
Vengeance: 25 cents by Kathleen M.
Don't Look Down by Tanya S

Twelfth Grade:

Winner:
If Pearls Could Sing by Pamela C.
Runners up:
Broken Things by Emily D.
Falling Night by Anna W.

Big thank you to our generous sponsors:

Dreambox: Visit Dreambox for an incredible interactive math curriculum for kids from preschool through third grade. For kindergarten math, Dreambox is unparalleled in fun and pedagogical value. Check out the free trial and see what you think! [Ed Note: We are in a free trial period with Dreambox and Morgan is really enjoying it! Ryan isn't quite as interested, as there are apparently no battles or soldiers to teach math, but maybe they'll see this and add this option to future games. :o)]

Shurley Grammar: A grammar curriculum that takes your child from first through seventh grade, using drills and jingles to teach writing skills (and also reading skills!) along the way. A trusted name in home education, Shurley will not steer you wrong.

Classical Academic Press: If you're contemplating teaching Latin or Greek in your homeschool, you definitely need this system. With audio, video, fun activities, and online Latin games, as well as standard workbooks and quizzes, anyone can teach Latin.

Prufrock Press: Parents of gifted children often have difficulty finding work that will challenge their kids' abilities while still being fun. Prufrock's gifted education materials are a godsend. Kids see them as a treat!

Explode the Code: Many of us have used Explode the Code workbooks with our kids and enjoyed the progressive phonics curriculum. Now Explode the Code has launched an online version, taking their reading education to a whole new level.

(From the BAB website):

What will the next Book Arts Bash bring? More novels? Poetry? Short stories? All we can tell you now is that the deadline for entries will be January 1, 2012. Stay in touch for all the details! In the mean time, please visit our awesome sponsors and join us on Facebook for updates.

Can you help us by republishing the results and sponsor links on your blog, supporting homeschooled writers and this novel-writing contest? Please email us or leave a comment to let us know you can help. We need twenty blogs to participate. Would you donate a post on yours?

Some Recent Q & A

I have been working hard on numerous projects, and have missed writing on the blog! I have managed to answer some questions on formspring, so that might just have to suffice until I get a chance to write next. Here are some of the more interesting questions I've answered lately:

My 18 month old grandson just had a severe reaction to tilapia. I am worried that his reaction is just one of many to come. Have you had any experience with children that have seafood allergies? Is it likely he will "grow" out of this with a good diet?

I'm sorry to hear about that. I'm not intimately familiar with seafood allergies, but I have some (hopefully helpful) information.

First, if he hasn't been seen by an allergist, he needs to be. Try to find someone with a particular interest in food allergies.

If an Epi-pen is prescribed, take it with you everywhere.

Go to FAAN's website (foodallergy.org) and read about the specific things you'll need to avoid for fish and/or shellfish allergies. For example, Worcestershire sauce contains anchovy, and fish-allergic people will need to avoid it. There's lots of good info on FAAN.

I know that fish, shellfish, nuts, and peanut (which my son has) are the least likely food allergens to be outgrown. An allergist will be the best person to help evaluate your grandson's personal risk/likelihood of outgrowing.

Food allergies can be very scary and overwhelming, especially at the beginning. But it's manageable. Arm yourself with knowledge (and Epi-pens!) and be very vigilant and that will do so much to minimize his risk of another serious reaction. There's tons of resources and wonderfully supportive people in the food allergy world--take advantage of them! It will be okay...hard, but okay.

* * *

Does Morgan ever specify exactly what KIND of puppy she is? by SupaTrey

Sometimes. Sometimes she's a poodle, often she's a chocolate lab or a dalmatian. Usually she's inspired by whichever dog she's been reading about or watched a movie about or seen recently out and about.

But you know something, and this is a little sad, she's less frequently a puppy than she ever used to be. :( Nowadays, she's oftener a Pet Store Peopleguy or a Customer of the Pet Store Peopleguy (read: me), and is more interested in being a human taking care of dogs (or other pets).

It was inevitable, and she's still a puppy sometimes, but my baby girl's growing up, I guess!

* * *

When working with volunteers on a project, how can you (1) find the most reliable and capable people and (2) motivate and reward them for their work? by DianaHsieh

Those are interesting questions. I've been a manager in past jobs, and these days I work with volunteers in a similar capacity (the blog carnival, and now our new Objectivist group here in Atlanta).

I used to consider myself a poor judge of character, but I later realized my problem was avoiding judgment. I wanted to give people chance after chance just to be "nice" and that was a major flaw I had as a people manager in my career.

The best way to get a sense of how someone will handle a specific job/responsibility is to get to know them by asking open-ended questions. We used this technique to interview potential employees. Nothing's 100%, you don't really know how someone will perform or fit until you give them a chance, but open-ended interviewing can give you a good chance to learn about the person.

Examples of open- versus closed questions :

Closed: Why do you think it's important to meet deadlines?

Open: Tell me about a time when you met an important deadline and how did you manage it? Tell me about a time when you missed a deadline. What did you learn from that experience?

Closed questions usually have one really obvious correct answer. Open questions invite the person to tell a story, so you can get a glimpse into how they handle themselves in different situations. I think this can be used in volunteer projects as well as work situations, maybe a touch more informally with vounteers.

Motivating volunteers...that's a challenge somewhat different from work scenarios. Presumably, if you and they are all working on a volunteer basis for a common cause, everyone shares a common motivator: the cause.

I think expressions of genuine appreciation go a long way toward providing anyone, but maybe volunteers especially, with a little spiritual fuel to continue their efforts. I try to remember to thank my blog carnival hosts by leaving a comment in the carnival post. It's nice to have one's efforts acknowledged, even in a small way.

I know I always get a little lift when you or someone else acknowledges the work I've done on the carnival, or a particularly clever bit of writing. I don't undertake these efforts selflessly as a martyr or only for pats on the back from others, but wow, it's a great feeling to know that you've intrigued someone with an idea or made them think, or that your work hasn't gone unnoticed.

So I think finding little ways of acknowledging a volunteer's effort, accomplishment, dedication, etc is the kind of spiritual trade-off that can keep people motivated to fight the good fight!

* * *

You explain much of your parenting philosophy and discipline to your children in terms of rights. Since rights are a very abstract principle, how do you keep the children from holding rights as a floating abstraction and confusing full political rights?

Good question. Whenever I talk to the kids about any abstract ideas, such as rights, I try to relate the idea to something they do know about, use analogies and lots of concrete examples. I also love open-ended questions, so I will sometimes use those to get them thinking.

A lot of times, they don't get it, not fully. Or they misapply the idea. That's okay--they're kids and they're learning. When appropriate I'll ask another open-ended question or two, explain the idea as best I can, etc. Eventually, they will understand the ideas fully.

I think relating the idea to something concrete that they can grasp can help them not get the idea that these abstractions are just "out there" somewhere, that there aren't referents in reality for them. The conceptual work, though, is theirs. They will have to think about things themselves.

I'm also really careful to say why *I* think something is true, and to point to reality and the evidence of my senses and explain some of my thinking. When Brendan and I talk, we talk this way, too, so we are modeling this kind of thinking for them out loud, even when not talking directly to them.

They really don't have a clue about politics just yet--they're too young. And really that's a good thing considering! So when Ryan has ideas about politics, they're often weird or hilarious. But he's thinking and trying to figure things out, and our conversations are always geared in that direction.

We don't make a huge deal about it if they say something wrong or crazy. It's okay for them to hold wrong ideas--again, they're still quite young. As I said, we sometimes correct or ask challenging questions, to get their brains moving, but there's no point really in arguing seriously about it. And they have shown me time and again that they are capable of figuring out their conceptual errors and correcting them.

If you want me to, I can think of a specific example of a time we've done this, or a conversation we've had. Some of my more amusing blog posts have to do with such higher level concepts, when they're trying to figure out the ideas and asking me wild questions. Or if you have a specific thing in mind, drop me another question. Thanks!

* * *

Do you think "shrugging" is ever appropriate outside of the fictional setting of Atlas Shrugged? What about revolution by force? What conditions would have to be met before you committed to either of these actions (shrugging or revolting)?

The short answer to the first two questions is: yes.

Just when and how any sort of shrugging/fighting I do . . . it depends. I used to think of myself as someone too afraid to fight (physically, I mean). Then I became a Mommy and I can honestly say that if someone did something terribly awful to one of my kids, then I'm not sure what I'm capable of doing to that person. It will certainly be painful, I'll tell you that.

I'm not afraid to fight any more, and I'm not afraid to withdraw my sanction. Generally what I do is assess the risk (I'm a cautious sort by nature) and weigh it against the likelihood that I'd be putting my kids at risk of being taken from us. I'm hesitant to flaunt my state's homeschooling laws for this reason. They are stupid and pointless, but if I don't comply, it's possible my kids could be taken. Not worth the risk.

Mainly, I'm finding courage and strength that I never knew I had, and I'm generally pretty pissed off about many things happening right now. So I think I will only get more vocal and more confrontational in my old age. You heard it here first!

* * *

Given that your son has a peanut allergy and your husband has diabetes, how would you respond to someone who advocates healthcare reform because it doesn't discriminate against pre-existing conditions? What is the prose way to handle it in a free system?

My husband and my son have really expensive pre-existing conditions, particularly my husband. It sucks sucks sucks. What can I say? It sucks.

We (Brendan and I) are infuriated any time someone suggests that we'll be better off or have an easier time of it now that this new legislation has been enacted. These conditions are expensive and they suck (have I mentioned?). But that doesn't mean I expect everyone else in the whole country to pay for it. And it's wrong for people to take our money to pay for their sucky conditions.

The proper way to handle this would be to HAVE a free system. Unfortunately what too many people fail to understand (even if they think it's okay to pile up a certain portion of everyone's money so that someone else can divvy it out according to pre-existing condition) is that we didn't have a free system before. Not even remotely. Anyone who has ever worked for a hospital or a physician or an ancillary healthcare provider KNOWS how much red tape already exists. How current prices are indexed to current Medicare rates. How prices are arbitrarily set to X% of current Medicare rates, so as to cover the costs for the insured patients and maybe make back a little of the losses taken on the Medicare/Medicaid patients. How much legal involvement there is. How federal regulators inspect hospitals and everything involved with such an inspection. How the feds created HMOs and the rules by which insurance companies currently operate.

This whole mess exists because it's essentially One Enormous Pile of Unintended Consequences as a result of prior legislation.

Taking my money to pay for someone else's condition isn't right. Taking your money to pay for Brendan's insulin isn't right. Taking money isn't right. Period.

On top of which (look out, I'm on a roll now!), we HAVE gotten insurance for Brendan and Ryan. And me, who had at the time we went through underwriting a pre-e. We got covered for most things, and had exclusionary riders on the policy. That sucked. Sucked Sucked Sucked. For years we paid for my allergy shots and Brendan's diabetes out of pocket. Oh well. We still had coverage for catastrophic accidents and medical office visits. THAT is what insurance is supposed to cover.

Stopping now....

* * *

Wow, I've answered more questions that I realized. I think I'll save some answers for later. I only have one question in my queue (and I've been thinking about my answer to that one for a while now, I'm almost there). So PLEASE ask me more questions!

And speaking of questions--send parenting questions to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. Kelly and I would really like to answer some on our new podcast. The more specific, the better! :o)

Don't Miss . . .

. . . the latest edition of the Objectivist Round Up! It's over at Titanic Deck Chairs this week!

And I think I forgot to link to last week's edition. It's at The Playful Spirit. :o)

Cultivating the Virtues

Jenn Casey of Rational Jenn and Kelly Elmore of Reepicheep’s Coracle are pleased to announce the launch of their new parenting podcast! The podcast, called Cultivating the Virtues, will address Objectivism and parenting, with a particular focus on positive discipline techniques. We want the podcast to be conversational, so that the listener can image being a part of one of our many parenting conversations. But please be patient with us; we are new to podcasting and are learning more with each one we record.

The podcast will live on a joint blog, also called Cultivating the Virtues, where both Jenn's and Kelly’s old parenting posts are collected. We've set up the labels on the CTV blog to make it easier to find parenting topics by kinds of virtues and types of discipline tools. The blog is live, and the address is http://cultivatingthevirtues.blogspot.com. The first podcast will tentatively be available on Tuesday, April 14.

We are recording podcasts now, and we would love to have your questions to answer. Please send parenting questions to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

We're very excited about this project! Stay tuned!

PD Tool Card: Family Meeting, uh, Conference Update

I know you've been hanging on the edge of your computer screens to find out if Ryan would come to our next Family Meeting. Well, it was this morning, and I'm happy to announce that every member of our family was in attendance! :o)

So it came up last week that Ryan apparently had an issue with the word 'Meeting,' or so he told Brendan. I'm hoping Brendan will share a bit more about what they actually talked about in the comments. I suspect that Ryan needed a way to have this Family Meeting idea be kind of his idea, since he's a fan of his own ideas first (as you are no doubt aware). So he came up with this objection.

Brendan and I both told him that he's welcome to suggest a name change at the next Family Meeting, but we wouldn't be changing the name unless he came and we all took a vote on it. Well, that did it. :o)

Our meeting agenda was this:

• Compliments

• Calendar

• Meeting Name Change

• Choose the King or Queen for next week

• Allowance/Easter Egg Hunt

Brendan was King of the meeting and called us to order by the Ringing of the Bell (bell, bell, bell, bell . . . sorry, couldn't resist!). An enthusiastic round of compliments ensued.

People were thanked left and right for their contributions to the family this week. I was thanked for making dinner and for the Easter baskets. Brendan was complimented for mowing the lawn and pressure washing the sidewalk. Ryan was thanked for being an awesome Waiter Peopleguy and for helping with cleaning and dinner the other night. Morgan was complimented for her cleaning efforts this week (which are still, uh, not great, but she did make slightly more of an effort and a little noticing and encouragement will go far toward our goal of getting her to pick her toys up). Sean was complimented for having blond hair and for being so cute.

Everyone participated, even Ryan, who almost couldn't stop complimenting people and even thanked Brendan for fixing one of his toys that got broken at Christmas. You know, when Brendan fixed it ON Christmas . . . the Christmas two years ago that we spent in Chicago. Some pent up thanking in that boy, I guess. It's a lovely side of him to see (and one we don't get to see very often!).

Then we reviewed our calendar and talked about changing what we call these here meetings. Ryan's suggestion was Family Conference. Brendan brought up a suggestion made by a bloggy friend: Family Summit. We talked about how summits were big meetings between leaders of countries, and Ryan really warmed to that idea. He said he liked to think of each of us as big important countries of our own (if he'd known what the word sovereign meant, he'd have used it, I think).

We took a vote: Family Meeting, Family Conference, or Family Summit. I voted for Summit, and Brendan, Morgan, and Ryan voted for Conference. Sean abstained, pleading toddlerhood and PEZ. Ryan told us, "Yeah. I like Family Summit, but Family Conference was my idea, and who doesn't like their own ideas best and wouldn't vote for their own best ideas?" And that statement right there, my Dear Readers, pretty much sums up this child.

So henceforth forevermore world-without-end-amen, we will be holding weekly Family Conferences. Unless we change our minds and have another vote.

Then we chose our King for the next meeting conference, and you guessed it--it's Ryan! He actually jumped up and down like crazy. Ah, the thrill of Power. Then, Easter Eggs!

Next week's meeting conference should be interesting. Now that Ryan is going to be participating (I hope, you never know!), we'll probably going to need some kind of Talking Stick or something to hold so that everyone gets a fair turn to talk. And we'll probably have to vote on it, to decide whether to call it the Talking Stick or Talking Staff of Ra, or Talking Pole.

That's okay. :o)