CtV's First iTunes Review

Kelly and I got our first review on iTunes yesterday! Unfortunately it wasn't as complimentary as we'd have liked:

"This is a very silly podcast by two young women who have no meaningful track record to indicate the value of their opinions. I guess if you're specifically looking for ideas about how to apply objectivism [sic] to parenting, you might find this interesting; but if you're looking for sound advice about child rearing, you'd do much better to ask a grandma who's actually finished raising a child or two."

I do thank the listener for taking time to write about it, and for noting that those who are interested in Objectivism as applied to parenting might get something out of the podcast. I also am absurdly thrilled to learn that apparently I sound quite young. :o)

However, I'll state for the record that I completely disagree with the underlying premise of the review, that one must be all the way finished raising a child in order to have ideas, opinions, thoughts, or offer advice about parenting. I think it's helpful to think about how you're raising your children, well, the whole way through, and ideally beginning before you acquire one.

I have never claimed to know every single thing there is to know about raising children, and indeed, I have no idea what having teenagers will be like. But since I have a sound set of parenting principles based in reality, I have a parenting framework and set of tools that are consistent with that framework that I use again and again. The situations change, sure, but the principles have taken me from years 0 - 8 quite well. And if something radical changes at some point, you can be sure I'll re-evaluate my premises if necessary.

Our first review from a listener who came to us outside of our blogs! Kind of a big deal, don't you think? And, even better, I was alerted to a woman who joined the Positive Discipline Ning group who had first heard of PD through our podcasts! Very cool.

Oh hey! We'd love some more reviews on iTunes, if you have a mind to write us one. :o) And if you're wondering, we still have many podcasts recorded and ready for production, but we've been so busy with MiniCon we just haven't had a spare second to get to it. We'll get caught up soon though.

Objectivist Club Network Workshop at OCON

I'm pleased to pass along this announcement from the good folks at the Objectivist Club Network:

Join the Oclubs.org workshop at OCON. Learn how to start & grow an Objectivist Community Club in your hometown!

• The Colorado Objectivist community has more than 60 members and 7 monthly events 

• Chicago has 40 members in its community and 7 events per month

• Atlanta's new Objectivist community is thriving with 30 members and 1 event per month
  

Learn how these cities got started!  Join Oclubs.org for a 45 minute workshop at OCON.

Wednesday, July 7 at 6:15p - 7:00, 5th Floor, Charleston F room



Oclubs.org was started to support the leaders of Objectivist clubs. We create resources, answer questions, and share advice. Read our Mission Statement here http://www.oclubs.org/mission

They have been mentoring me and other members of the Atlanta Objectivist Society, and our right-out-of-the-gate success is partly due to the excellent advice, resources, and communication with OCN. I highly encourage you to attend this workshop if you're interested in learning how to get going in your community!

Other People's Kids

Recently on OGrownups, Diana asked this question:

What do you do when other people's kids behave badly toward you, such as destroying your property?

For example, my three year old niece tore apart a card that I was planning to save.  It wasn't a huge deal, and she was just playing, but I wanted to emphasize the principle that she shouldn't destroy other people's stuff.  At the time, I expressed my surprise and dismay, told her that I'd wanted to save it, gave her the half that I didn't want, then stowed away the half I wanted to save.  Nothing went wrong with that, but I wonder if I should have done differently.

More generally though, I wonder how to deal respectfully with other people's kids, yet respectfully of my own boundaries too.  Advice would be appreciated.

This question generated many thoughtful and interesting responses. I'll post my response here:

Other People's Kids can be really tricky to deal with sometimes. As with pretty much everything else, context matters.

I think you handled the situation with your niece just fine--she saw the effects of her actions on you when you expressed your emotions, and learned something about property rights. Then you redirected her toward something that she could have instead. If this was just a one-time thing, then that might be all that's needed. With three-year-olds, I've said things like "Oh don't color on those walls! Those walls belong to me. If you want to color, here's some paper." I like to point out to them which things belong to me--I think they're just too young to have any clue that there are things in the world that belong to someone else!

If this became a habit (I don't know how often you see your niece, or if she lives near you), then you might take further steps, including talking to the child's parents, having a chat with her about it at a time in which you are both calm and removed from the situation (not five minutes after something gets destroyed, I mean), putting things away before she comes over, restricting her access to certain rooms of the house, meeting them on neutral territory or at her house, etc. Three years old is still quite young, and if such a thing happened repeatedly, I'd do all of those things, and wait until she matures a bit more before relaxing such rules.

Was the child's mom or dad present? What did s/he say? Sometimes when handling OPKs I will take a cue from or follow the lead of the parent. If I'm keeping someone else's child at my house, then I generally treat them the way I treat my kids--our house rules are the same for all, and we handle problem-solving issues and redirections the same way across the board. If you don't have kids, this might be hard to come up with maybe, lacking general kid-related policies and procedures perhaps, but really it boils down to having clear, honest communication with children, exactly like you did above.

(Sometimes kids who are in my charge don't quite know what to do when I ask them to help problem-solve--the differences in the ways we parent and our kids' friends' parents parent are becoming more obvious as the kids get older)--but hey, my house my rules! You got a problem--you're expected to help with the solution!)

Even tricker with OPKs are playground situations where there is no other parent around (as far as I can tell), and the other parent hasn't explicitly left the child in my care. So OPKs who cut in line at the slide or try to blow into the other end of a snorkel while my child is wearing it (sitting on him and pushing him down into the water in the process) or even very little ones who wander in the pathway of a swing or a slide--it's a little trickier because sometimes you can't predict how the other parent will react. Though I generally just follow my usual Kid Policies and Procedures: "Oh hey! Did you see that this girl [pointing to Morgan] was waiting for a turn?" or "He doesn't want you to touch his snorkel or push him down. Can you give him some space please?" or "Oops! You're very close to the swings!" and then gently scoop the kid out of the way.

I have rarely had a negative reaction from other parents (who often appear from nowhere when the realize someone else is disciplining their child--as I would, too), but I've had a few, including one mother who was appalled that I might scoop her toddler out of the way of an incoming swing + kid. For the record, anyone reading this--PLEASE feel free to scoop my kids if they're in danger! :o) I read a blog post a while back about a dad who did something similar at a playground and the other parent called the cops!

One more version of tricky--when other parents you are friends with or see fairly regularly are doing things that makes you worry they are putting their children into harm's way. We have neighbors and one of the elderly, nearly helpless, grandmas lives with them. Yet they continued to use her as a babysitter for the kids after school let out and before they got home from work, etc. So many times she was unable to unlock the door from the inside of the house to let the kids inside--the kids would come here and get the extra key. Trying to get my neighbor (who I used to be closer to than I am now, for other reasons) to understand my concerns about the safety of the kids (and the granny) was futile. I always felt torn about sending them there if they'd been here playing and one of the parents was not yet home. Finally I got to a place where I had to let it go. This was the parents' decision, and both kids are old enough and have enough sense I think to come get me or another neighbor should something happen. My neighbor knows I'm uneasy about her arrangement, but again, it's her decision. It was easier for me to let it go once I sat down and thought about the kids, what I knew about them and how sensible they are, and also now that they're a bit older.

I'm definitely interested in more discussion about how to handle situations with other people's kids!

One thing I'd like to add to my response that pertains specifically to Diana's original question: When dealing with little ones--your own or the ones who belong to others--tone of voice is critical. (I'm sure Diana's tone of voice was appropriate!) I mention this because it's an issue that I often need to watch in myself.

I'm not suggesting that you keep all emotion out of your voice. Even young children are hardy enough to experience the consequences of their actions, and that includes emotional consequences in others. Still, sometimes I have to make myself step back and repeat "Assume Positive Intent" and remember that the little ones especially simply don't know about these things yet, and a gentle tone will get my point across effectively, too.

What say you?

Checking Premises, Part 2

Last time, I wrote about two big premises that I had to check, decide about, and improve upon so that I could become a healthier person, inside and out. I wrote a little about some of the reasons I switched to a paleo diet (mostly--still working on the nooks and crannies, so to speak), and how my perfectionism paralyzed me. I'd like to thank everyone for their comments on that post.

This time, I'll keep listing some premises (in as-they-occur-to-me order), and describing some of the mental work I've done to identify and change them. This mental work is hard stuff, but necessary to make real changes in one's life. I don't know a person who has improved his life who hasn't spent time doing this--thinking about wrong ideas he was holding, and trying really hard to put better ideas in their place. This introspection, as a friend pointed out on Twitter today, ". . . may be a, if not the, fundamental practical skill that underlies the virtue of pride." 


Okay, so on to the next premise change. This time it's:


Learning to Value Health


Somehow along the way to adulthood, I learned that it's better to be smart than athletic. It is better to read than to run. It is better to think than to move. Also, I hated to sweat in gym class, and the Powers That Be always saw fit to schedule my PE for 1st Period. (And here is where I'll wave to all of the 8th grade boys in 2nd Period History (or was it Science?) who basically pretty much sucked. I'm sure they're lovely human beings now, but at the time . . . notsomuch.)


At some point in my early adulthood, it dawned on me that I was not, in fact, immortal, and that if I wanted to live a really long time (and loving life, that seemed a laudable goal), then I'd better start valuing my health. And so that's when I began trying to eat better (still the SAD way for many years, which was a fruitless endeavor), and trying to move more. In my late 20s, we discovered Atkins and Protein Power, and gave those diets a try, with quite a bit of success. I lost tons of weight and got a treadmill and started using it regularly. Yay. Progress--not only on the physical side, but in the "caring about how healthy I am" side.

I sought help for my allergies, too. At that time, my environmental allergies were so severe I could barely function between the months of March and July, let alone do any kind of exercise on a consistent basis that required breathing. I started allergy shots, but had to stop when I got pregnant with Ryan (I hadn't moved up to my maintenance dose). I re-started after he was born, and continued them for 5 years, all through Morgan's pregnancy and birth. Allergy shots were a life-saver. I still have allergies, but this year, I took a Claritin every once in a while, as opposed to being nearly non-functional and having impaired hearing (from clogged ears) for a significant portion of the year.

When the babies came, I added a daily (well, mostly) walk around the neighborhood to our routine, as a way to just get out and MOVE, as well as to model movement and fitness for them. These days I'm much more active than I've ever been, with lots of walks and swimming and just general movement, too. Yay. And of course, it's been easier to stick with eating paleo, too. Valuing health FTW. Because you can be smart AND athletic (or at least active). You can read AND run. You can think AND move. It's not one or the other; no mind-body dichotomy. Because without a body, you ain't got no mind.


Body Image

Having not cared so much about health in general until my 20s, it took me longer to realize a curious thing--I didn't have an accurate self-image of how I looked. It was only in photographs that I'd think "oh my god!", but when looking in the mirror, it was like I couldn't see it. I wasn't exactly happy with what I saw, but I couldn't see how overweight I really was. It was similar to how I've heard anorexics view themselves, only in reverse.

(And of course, perfectionism reared its ugly head here, too. Since I'd never considered myself particularly good-looking (I'm a nice "regular" maybe), you know, why bother?) 

What got my attention about this wrong premise, apart from pictures--and I'd always taken care not to be photographed if I could possibly help it--was hearing that some celebrity (I can't even remember which one) was a certain size, my size. And I thought "Wow, is she ever fat!" D'oh! :o)

So what I started to do was notice body sizes and shapes. All body sizes and shapes, just so I could correct myself. I started to notice healthy bodies and unhealthy bodies, and then I started to want to have one of the healthy ones, which fit in nicely with my new desire to be healthy overall.



Free Will--or, There's No Such Thing as Fate

Another idea I had to shake was a certain feeling of DOOM that no matter what I did, I would necessarily end up like my mom and the other large people in our family. I really did think this. I figured it was inevitable, so why even try (oh hai, Perfectionism!)? This feeling of Doom applied in other areas of my life, too, notably regarding parenting. I felt doomed to repeat the mistakes of my parents, so there was no point in having children. (Note: my parents made regular kinds of parenting mistakes, and they parented according to different principles than I do, so our styles are quite different. But they weren't abusive or anything. Don't want to be misunderstood here.)

Well here's the thing. Free Will--you've got it, and so do I. Hm. Imagine that! I can choose to do certain things over other options. I have control over my choices. It's really amazing what you can do with free will, and I learned that free will is, well, freeing. I was free from the idea that I would never be healthy. Nice feeling.



The Clean Plate Award

I wrote about this recently on OGrownups, so if you've read this one before, bear with me, because I go into much more depth about the process of identifying and fixing this major problem.

When I was a kid, we had the Clean Plate Awards, and any kid who cleaned his or her plate--and I mean emptied--got dessert (if we had one). And if you didn't clean it, dessert or no, you got ragged on and bitched at and hectored to death about it. I know where my parents got this--this was how they'd been raised, and they were raised by parents who grew up during the Great Depression. You don't waste anything, especially not food.

We were encouraged not to "waste" food, to empty our plates, and to do so at every meal. The result of this was that I learned how to ignore the signals of my body telling me when I was full, as I often ate past the point of fullness. After learning to ignore those signals, I eventually lost all ability to even identify when I was full--I only noticed that full feeling after reaching the point of what I now call "over-full" or "Thanksgiving-full."

So I just ate until my plate was empty. If I had a second helping, I ate that all up, too. Then add in my perfectionist streak--it is so satisfying to see the plate cleared!--and . . . it was really bad.

It was especially difficult to even identify that I held this premise. The process of identifying it began with a feeling, as I described in the perfectionism section. I found more than one, actually.

The first feeling was not actually a negative one (just to make this whole thing trickier, you know). It was a sense of satisfaction, of completeness--I had "completed" the meal. I first only noticed this when I had an empty plate and there was still some part of the meal to be served, like on Thanksgiving. I'd eat the food on the plate, feel like I did my job, and then experienced this odd sort of disconnect, because I was expecting more food to come up, like a second course. How could I be "finished" when all of the meal hadn't yet been served? Ah ha! It was because I'd emptied a plate. And I was happy, satisfied about that because I'd done my job.

The other emotion I experienced that clued me into the problem was a feeling of frustration if I actually couldn't empty my plate. And guilt, too. You can't just leave food on the plate! It's just not done! How wasteful and tacky!

Let me just take a minute to talk about emotions. Ayn Rand said about them:

Emotions are produced by man’s premises, held consciously or subconsciously, explicitly or implicitly.

My emotions gave me important clues to the nature of the incorrect premises I subconsciously held. I felt guilty if I couldn't finish a plate; I felt satisfied, like I'd just finished a job well-done, when I did. But those emotions didn't match up with my conscious evaluation of reality, which included such things as: observing that others left food on their plates and didn't seem at all worried about that; feeling physically full ("over-full") yet trying to keep eating; and noticing that I only considered food scraped off a plate as "wasteful"--but not food cleaned out of the fridge after sitting there a zillion years. Huh.

So through paying attention to my emotions, plus trying to be more aware of the circumstances in general, I was able to realize that what I'd been doing was eating thoughtlessly, eating (sometimes) what I thought was healthy, but eating for the purpose of cleaning my plate.

Once I became aware of this wrong premise, and formulated a better one ("I should eat until I feel full."), I realized that I lacked the skill to follow the better premise: I couldn't tell when I was full. I had become so accustomed to eating without noticing or caring if I was full (or hungry) that I actually couldn't do it. :(

Fortunately, around this time, I got pregnant for the first time, and that REALLY helped. Because if you've ever been pregnant, you will no doubt be aware that during pregnancy, when you're hungry, you're HUNGRY RIGHT NOW, and when you're full, you need to STOP RIGHT NOW. Or at least that's how it worked for me.

What happened after Ryan came was that I quickly lost that skill, which was interesting (and upsetting) to me. I kept trying, and got better at it, then got pregnant with Morgan. I actually looked forward to re-learning this skill because the pregnancy would force me to. I managed to retain the skill longer after Morgan was born, though it took lots of conscious effort and learning how to scrape my plate without feeling guilty. By the time I got pregnant with Sean, I had the basics down (meaning I could actually notice when I was hungry and full), and chose to use that pregnancy as a way to hone the skill, making sure to eat ONLY when I was hungry and stop pretty immediately after feeling full.

Okay, still with me? Only one more, promise!


Meal Times

Along with learning to always clear my plate, I learned that you are always supposed to eat Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, with maybe a snack or two. I learned that you must not skip these meals, and that such meals must occur at designated times. (Of course I did learn to skip breakfast as a teenager--doesn't every teenage girl do this?--but I had to be sneaky about it.)

This is a bad idea, particularly when combined with the Clean Plate Award, because it messed up my ability to understand when I was actually hungry. I would go to lunch with my coworkers at 12:00 because that's when you're supposed to eat lunch (we had flexible lunchtimes). I would eat dinner with Brendan at 6:30 because that's when you're supposed to eat dinner. I never skipped a meal, because you're supposed to eat every meal.

Really, you're supposed to eat when you feel hungry. I won't go deep into the process of premise-checking, because it pretty much occurred at the same time as the process described above (pregnancy helped, too, and I did touch on the hunger issue above). The emotions that clued me in were: frustration if I couldn't have a meal when I thought it was supposed to occur, combined with a slightly panicked feeling if it really deviated quite a bit from the regular schedule.

I have learned to wait until I actually feel hungry before I go and find something to eat. I have learned that you can eat something at 3:00 if you like, including a 4 course meal. I have learned to be more flexible (well, kid-willing) with when we eat. Being more in touch with my body's signals of hunger and fullness has made quite the difference, really! :o)


Alrighty then. Those are the rest of the major premises I've worked very, very hard to identify and improve my whole adult life. I have one more post where I will bring it all together somewhat, and talk more about the things I'm doing currently to remain conscious of the new premises (because I still must consciously struggle to overcome the old habits), and talk a little bit about how my life has improved immensely.

Let me know what you think so far!

MiniCon, MiniCon, Min-Min-MiniCon!

Oh hey! How are you? Me? Well I'm insanely busy, thanks for asking! :o)

All of the little MiniCon details seem to be coming together, but it's taking up quite a bit of my time. Have I mentioned that I have only just begun working the discussions I'm leading? Kinda sorta. I have a really detailed outline of the Blogging Round Table workshop, but I need to create all of the handouts for the people who are coming. And I need to work on my part of the Positive Discipline workshops, though I have many resources for that, a happy result of taking those training workshops back in the spring.

While I'm thinking about it--there has been a last-minute class change. The class on the Founding Fathers is canceled, and in its place we're offering what I think will be a fun and interesting discussion of Debi Ghate's essay "Why Atlas Shrugged Changes Lives." (If you were previously signed up for Founding Fathers, you should have been notified of the change.) Here's the class description:

This hour will be a discussion of Debi Ghate's article, "Why Atlas Shrugged Changes Lives."  The article is about Ms. Ghate's own experience with reading Atlas Shrugged for the first time and why she thinks the book is so powerful.  The group will be discussing Ms. Ghate's ideas and sharing their own experiences with reading Atlas Shrugged.  Participants will be expected to have read the article and to have printed it out for their own use in the class.

Doesn't that sound like an interesting discussion? I think it will be fun for newbies and oldies alike. I wish I could attend, but it's opposite one of my workshops.

By the way, if you want to guarantee your spot in a class with a maximum, please register AND pay by this Friday, June 25.

We can't wait to meet all of the people coming from out of town! We have folks coming from Arizona and New York and Massachusetts and Texas and Kentucky and South Carolina and New Zealand! And we'll have many people, new and old, from right here in Atlanta. We're predicting about 50, but depending on how many last-minute types show up, it could be quite a bit more!

Oh! Oh! Oh! We're going to have lots of freebies to hand out to our attendees--stuff from ARI and other Objectivist organizations, too (we'll make sure to thank them and link to them on our website once I've got everything a bit more organized). AND we will have some AWESOME AOS t-shirts for sale, too!

I was telling my parents about MiniCon while they were visiting last weekend, how it's going to be lots of fun, but how it's been LOTS of work (mostly for Kelly, Queen of MiniCon....I'm only a Duchess). My mom, who was an event planner for many years, commiserated, congratulated us on how well-organized it seemed to be (time will tell!), and gave us some tips and other things to consider. So yay for Event Planner Peopleguys who give out free advice and encouragement!

It's sort of a runaway train, this MiniCon. From a casual conversation about how pitiful it was that we wouldn't be attending OCON this year, to Kelly saying: "Let's do something fun and semi-organized with Objectivists on 4th of July!"), to something that has required 90 zillion details and people running all over like chickens-sans-heads. And then my mom enlightened me that we were indeed Planning an Event--and we didn't even know it! I think if we'd known at the outset . . . nah, we'd still have done it!

Birthday Accomplished!

Sean's birthday yesterday marks the end of Birthday Season here. We've got Morgan in March, Ryan in April, Brendan in May, and Sean in June. I'm kind of ready for a break! (By the way, my birthday, in November, officially kicks off the Holiday Season--or didn't you know?)

We had a nice low-key family party, with a couple of friends over for cake after dinner. By the time the third kid comes, you learn a few things about birthdays. Here are a few things I've learned:

• It is better to space out the opening of gifts throughout the day--or many days--so that the Birthday Kid (and siblings) have a really good chance to spend quality time with each gift.

• Young children don't care about price tags, so no need for crazy-fancy. Sean will toss the cheap AND the expensive gifts with equal vigor.

• Nobody ever likes getting clothes (unless it's a uniform or costume), so you might as well just let Mom open those.

• Kids are the easiest people in the world to make birthday cakes for. The youngest ones don't mind if certain details aren't exact (Percy, below, does not have a cowcatcher, for example). The older ones understand that if they complain too much about the details, Mom will feel less enthused about making the cake. They also know that it'll taste yummy anyway, details or no. :)

• Sometimes, the birthday kid does not want all the attention, and everybody needs to respect that. If the birthday song surprises the birthday kid and makes him get Pouty Face, you are allowed to think it's cute, but not allowed to try to make him enjoy the song. 

• Naps are allowed. Encouraged, even.

• Even if the day ends with the Traditional Birthday Meltdown, the day was still successful. And something I learned last night--it's not necessarily the Birthday Kid who has the Traditional Birthday Meltdown (last night M handled the job for Sean).

• And last but not least--birthdays are such a sentimental time for us Mommies. I spent the whole day thinking "At this moment two years ago, I was . . . ." And then went and missed his actual birthday time, imagine that!

I like Birthday Season around here. It falls at such an easy time of year for us, after the hubbub of the holidays has died down, just when Spring is starting; and it ends on (or near) the Solstice, as the crepe myrtles are beginning to bloom.

We have a nice rhythm to our year, now that I think about it. There's post-holidays-winter, then Spring and Birthday Season. Next comes SUMMER, with a trip to the beach awaiting us at the end. As things cool down, we look forward to co-op classes and Halloween, then My Birthday (!) and The Holidays. I like it.

Round Up (Plus Bonus Non-Essential Information about My Life)

This week's Round Up is at 3 Ring Binder! And have I mentioned that I'm BEYOND EXCITED to meet Ms. 3 Ring Binder in person in just a couple of weeks? :D Did you know, she (and most of her lovely family) are coming to MINICON!!!!

While I'm thinking about it, if you are associated with any activism-related project and would like to send us materials about your group, send me an email (rationaljenn@gmail.com). We'd be happy to pass out flyers and things to our MiniCon attendees. We've got 35 people registered, and are expecting another 15-ish more.

This weekend will be jam-packed full of fun--my parents are coming tomorrow, and then we'll be celebrating Sean's 2nd birthday and Father's Day! Sean's. 2nd. Birthday. Can you believe it's been two years already?

Then next week, Sean has a doctor's appointment, we're going to be selling some books at homeschool co-op (decluttering FTW!), and then we'll focus on getting organized for out-of-town guests for MiniCon! Somehow I have to do the final preparation for the workshops I'm leading, and take care of lots of other little details, too.

So if I disappear from the blog for a while, it's because I'm pursuing other worthy causes!

Podcast #7: Siblings

This episode is our most FUN podcast to date (in my–Jenn’s–humble). This time we have:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): A reminder to give gentle feedback to children
• Topic: Siblings (begins 4:26)
• Q & A: Negotiating with a child–what to do if the child doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain (begins 21:07)

Here’s a link to the book we mentioned at the end of the section on Siblings–SO highly recommended:



I think that Podcast #7 is where we started to get our stride. It’s fun, and enjoyable, and I hope you like it, too!

In other exciting podcasting news: You can now find us on iTunes! We feel like real-live grownup podcasters now! (Thanks so much to Diana and Andrew M. for your assistance with this process!) I will add this podcast shortly, as soon as I can figure out how, but the first six episodes are up. We’d really appreciate you taking the time to visit us on iTunes and rating our podcast.
As always, thanks for listening, and please continue to send us comments, questions, and feedback to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Here's the episode, and you can visit our podcast site directly by clicking here.

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Checking Premises, Part 1

Okay, I wrote a few weeks ago about the changes I've made over the last 8 years or so in what I eat, how I cook things, etc. In that post I referred to the fact that I had to check some eating premises, so this time I'm going to write about the changes I've made in the last oh, 15 years or so, in my thinking about eating, my whole approach to food. This post represents the mental work of many, many years, and it has a happy ending. :o)

It's interesting how bad premises get inside one's head, and I don't exactly know if I can adequately describe the process. I know, though, that many of the wrong ideas I had came from things I picked up as a kid. I'm not suggesting that my unhealthy eating and being overweight as an adult is all the fault of my parents, because of course, grown up people need to do their own thinking and are responsible for their own decisions and actions. But I discovered during this process, most of the bad ideas I had to identify and fix have been in my head most of my life.

Once I started down the paleo road, it was clear to me that I had TONS of mental work to do, introspection. Why did this become clear? Because I couldn't eat only the foods I believed best for my body; I just couldn't stick with it. :(  I felt out of control (and I was) and sad about this. I think perhaps people who have never struggled with themselves over food don't understand how a person can be out of control with food. If it's bad for you, don't eat it, right? Just get some willpower!

It's not that simple when you have a lot of bad ideas that have been really ingrained into the gray matter shouting different instructions at you. "Willpower" alone won't fix bad ideas, and when you have bad ideas warring against good ideas in your head, your will is battling itself. In my experience, sometimes the good ideas won; sometimes the bad. I'm not sure I can really explain it, but I know many, many other people who can probably identify with this food battle, and the feelings of shame, guilt, resignation, and even despair that often occur as a result.

But this story has a happy ending, promise! You know why? Because of thinking. Lots of long, rigorous thinking and testing and matching ideas up with reality, and thinking some more. Then some doing, and figuring out the results of the doing, and figuring out whether the doing matched up with the thinking. And yeah, it took a while. Like my whole adult life (so far!).

So which bad ideas did I identify and change? I had thought to write this in rough chronological order (and indeed, that's how I did the outline for this post), but instead I think I'll just list the bad ideas out, how I think I accepted each one in the first place, how I identified it, and how I changed (and in some cases, still working to change) to a better idea.


The Standard American Diet (SAD)

This is the easiest bad idea I had to overcome, and in many respects, the least important. Before Brendan got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in March 2001, we'd tried some low-carbing, to a certain degree of success, and I learned through my research at the time how carbohydrates affect insulin and how insulin affects the body (makes fat), and all of the other things (good and bad) that insulin does. Then when Brendan got the diabetes, well those ideas were made more clear and . . . I don't know . . . present in our lives than ever before. If you don't know what a Type 1 has to go through to maintain something close to normal blood sugar, it's amazing, really. (Too much to get into here though.) Still, we both realized that the low-fat diet was based on some wrong ideas. I think this idea was one of the easiest for me to overcome because it was merely an error of knowledge--I had had wrong information. Once I got better information, it was easy to get rid of the old information.

As I wrote before, I was introduced to the Weston A. Price Foundation back in about 2003 I think. That did it. I understood where we'd gone wrong with Atkins, and why much of the weight we'd lost had come back. I'd been too focused on finding a low-carb alternative to all the crap I wanted to eat--instead of focused on choosing foods I should be eating. I was looking sideways for treats that would be "on diet" instead of straight ahead down the path to good food and health.

Still overwhelmed by the changes I'd need to make in my diet, I embarked on my snail-paced incremental changes--which was the best approach for me. The bad idea SAD was replaced with the good idea: paleo. Which brings me to another bad idea:



Perfectionism

I joke around now that I'm a "recovering perfectionist" but really, it's not funny. There is nothing wrong with having high standards, nothing at all. But having high standards that are either impossible or don't match reality in some other way is not rational. Getting caught up in the feeling that things have to be 100% perfect or why even bother? Also not good. Having that idea stuck down inside one's brain so deeply that it affects your ability to cope with non-ideal circumstances in a rational, grownup, mature fashion--really not good. (By the way, allow me to take a moment to say that I have the best husband in the whole world.)

Perfectionism of that magnitude is not about having high standards. It's about having impossible standards, yet holding yourself--and others--to them. It resulted in this odd sort of paralysis. Either I'd do something perfectly--or I wouldn't even try. Because why bother? If the result isn't perfect, the world will surely end,  yes? Much of my perfectionism comes from ideas I picked up as a child.

How did this affect my eating? Well, if I wasn't going to be a supermodel, then why even bother trying to look good or eat right? And if I ate something bad for me at breakfast, well then the whole day was shot! Might as well eat tons of carbs--I'd already blown it for the day. And if I ate poorly yesterday, well then why not today? The whole week is shot, right? If I was 100% perfect in my eating, I was floating on cloud nine; if I ate one corn chip at a restaurant, I was a complete and utter FAILURE. Failure = why bother at all?

It took me a while to notice that I did this. Basically I had to start paying attention to the things I was telling myself inside my head. If I ate something I shouldn't have, I'd immediately feel defeated and upset. Sometimes I'd even feel defiant, if I was in a rebellious mood! Once I noticed how I felt about what I was doing, I started to ask myself why I felt that way. WHY did eating a piece of bread make me so upset? Because I knew it wasn't something I ought to be eating. WHY did I feel despair though? Because if I ate a piece of bread then I wasn't going to be good about eating paleo that day. WHY? I kept asking myself this question. And the chain of thought went like this: Well if I'm not going to be eating paleo today, then I might as well give up. I'll never be a normal weight again and it's my own fault because I can't figure out how to avoid one stinking piece of bread. And if I'm never going to be a normal weight again, then I might as well enjoy myself and eat more bread. And so on and so on...

Once I first noticed this inner dialogue I was having, I decided to try to notice it every time it happened. Just being aware that it was happening in the moment was a HUGE thing, and it helped me analyze the wrong ideas. No. One stinking piece of bread does not equate to a lifetime of crappy eating. It doesn't help, but it's not equivalent. And the perfectionism thing was all over other areas of my life, too, and I learned to identify other inner dialogues, too--well if we can't make headway on our credit cards this month due to some unexpected expense, might as well buy XYZ, too. If I can't have a full complete garden, why plant a flower in a pot? Etc.

So I'd identified these things--first the feeling, then analyzing the feeling, then trying to notice the feeling and how it was linked to what I was thinking in the moment, then trying to notice more such moments, then analyzing my thinking, then finding the bad ideas in my thinking (false dichotomy: Unachievable Perfection vs Failure), then trying to find better ideas to put into my thinking instead, then trying out the new ideas, dealing with the successes and failures that resulted, then consciously practicing the better ideas. Whew!

I had to re-learn how to match my expectations of myself--and others--with reality, and accept that life moves on, even when it's not 100% perfect. I lowered my standards--not to Low Standards (with housework the notable exception here, of course)--but to Real and Achievable Standards. I also learned to prioritize my values. Not every. single. thing. in my life requires pull-out-all-the-stops 100% effort (hence, housework). So I save my energy and effort for the things I value most--my husband, children, friends and family, writing, podcasting, thinking about Objectivism as it is applied to parenting, being more involved in Objectivism in general, feeding us in a healthy way, being strong and healthy myself. Housework--meh.

With eating issues, letting go of perfectionism has been amazingly helpful--and healthy both physically and mentally. I learned that eating mostly healthy foods yields good results. I learned that it's okay to look like a regular person (who has had three babies!) than having to look like a supermodel. I also had to learn (and am still learning) to manage my feelings of disappointment, frustration, and anger in a more mature fashion (nothing helps a person do that better than having a job where you must teach children to do the same, IMO).

I developed the 90% rule--not just for eating, but for other areas of my life, too: It's okay to be 90%. I can be a good person with 90%. I will make good progress with 90%. I am able to enjoy 90%. 90% is Real and Achievable. Okay, "90%" is arbitrary, and not really measurable in many respects (how do you measure 90% of housework, when it's a moving target?). It's a mental substitution for the bad idea that my life either had to be Unachievable Perfection or Failure. It's an attempt to concretize a better idea instead. Does that make sense?

Again, if you're not a perfectionist, this whole little section might be a source of bewilderment to you. But if you ARE a perfectionist--I'm right, aren't I? 100% right! 100% right! I mean, 90%! :D

Okay, I'm going to stop here for now because it's becoming clear that this is going to be looooongggg. I'll put up the next installment soon. I'd love to hear comments about this so far!

Yay! New Designs!

I've been SO. BORED. with my Blogger template for ages, and every once in a while, I tinker around with changing it. I've even considered switching to Wordpress just to get more interesting designs, but have never quite found the effort to be worth my time.

Blogger has added some new blog template designs, and with the semi-new Page function, I'm all set! I haven't added pages yet, because I was undecided about my switch to Wordpress. Now I'm all decided, and so you might see pages here, and at Cultivating the Virtues (I also switched the template there, too--let me know what you think, Kelly!) one day soon.

It's easier to consider making much needed changes and updates to the look of my blog now that I'm undaunted by the thought of having to switch to a new blogging platform.

Be warned: It's also easier for me to fool around with things, so if things look a little different around here rather frequently, don't worry, I'll settle down soon. Promise. I'm just so excited!!!!

Sausage Stuffing

Or, In Which I Invent a Recipe that Tastes YUMMY. :)

Here's something for you--I'm a really really good baker. I can make yeast breads and rolls and baguettes and all kinds of things that I'm told can be quite complicated to produce. And yet I've always considered myself a so-so cook, and was very hesitant to tinker with recipes on my own. I think it's because I'm a "J" in Myers-Briggs terminology: a planner, organizer, logical rules follower. That's me. And baking as a cooking discipline goes right along with that. Tinkering and playing around with ingredients? Waaaaay to "P" for me!

And yet I have now reached a point in my character development where I can just abandon recipes and tinker away! And you know what? It's really lots of fun!

So here's how this recipe came to be. I happened to have two 20 pound turkeys in our deep freezer (purchased on sale after Thanksgiving last year), and needed room in said freezer for our 1/4 grassfed cow that came to us last Monday. Why NOT make a turkey in June? I asked myself. Indeed. Why not? I responded. After that sensible exchange, I pulled one of the turkeys out of the freezer and stuck in the fridge to thaw.

But what to do about stuffing? Or, even, dressing (which is what I made)? In case you are not part of my family, stuffing goes inside the turkey and dressing is the same stuff not stuffed (heh). And to make matters more confusing, we often use the word stuffing to mean both ideas. So I'll use stuffing from here on out in this blog post, and it's okay if you think I really made dressing, because I did.

But again (I asked myself), what to do about the stuffing? I don't eat wheat any more, and I seemed to recall that bread is an important ingredient in stuffing. Hmph. My friend Jessica suggested cornbread, as that's at least gluten-free and somewhat more lenient on the digestion, but I try to save my corn-related cheating for Mexican restaurants. 

Still, there's something about a turkey that calls for something herby and sort of, I don't know, fluffy? on the side. Or even inside, heh.

I searched around on Cook's Illustrated for some sausage stuffing ideas--and there were a few recipes, but all involved bread or cornbread. One recipe suggested using fennel, and that sounded intriguing. I thought and thought about it some more and decided I'd just try to make up my own recipe.

And. I. Did.


It was really tasty! I'll share what I did here--I know it can be improved upon, but for a first-time, make-it-up-as-you-go-along kind of recipe . . . well let's just say I impressed even myself. :o)

I tried to pay a little bit more attention to amounts and cooking times than I did last time, partly because I was planning to write this up if it tasted any good, and partly because I was worried that I'd forget what I did and then what if it was good and I couldn't remember and wouldn't that be tragic? (That's the "J" part of me talking.)


Ingredients:

2 pounds mild breakfast sausage (not patties or links)
1 bulb of fennel
4 oz package of mushrooms (I used a mixed variety package, but you go on and pick your favorite)
3/4 pound of small red potatoes (I used Ruby Gold brand, love these little potatoes!)
1 stick of butter
Sea salt
Pepper
Fresh tarragon
Bacon grease or lard
1/4 cup (ish) white wine (if you have any left!)



Make it!

If you don't already have an enormous turkey roasting in your oven, or are planning to prepare this as stuffing-stuffing, preheat the oven to 350. Otherwise, you're good.

Potatoes: Wash the potatoes and chop into bite-sized pieces--I quartered the potatoes I used. Place on shallow roasting pan. Scoop a spoonful or two of bacon grease/lard (so, what's that, a couple of tablespoons?) onto the potatoes and mix around with your hands. The bacon grease will melt a bit and that makes it easier to coat the potatoes. Sprinkle with salt and pepper (if you have pepper--I don't for some odd reason, so it was salt-only for us).

Roast for about 30 minutes or so, using tongs to move the potatoes around the pan once or twice during the process. This helps them not stick, and tosses them a bit so that all sides get brown and delicious. When the potatoes look brown and delicious, that means they ARE brown and delicious, so take them out of the oven! Set them aside so they cool, taking care to sample some right off the piping hot roasting pan because they are SO good.

While the potatoes are roasting, you can saute the mushrooms and fennel. It didn't occur to me until afterwards, but I think you could saute them both together. Alas.

Mushrooms: Melt half a stick of butter in the skillet over medium (I think) heat. Add the mushrooms, and cook while stirring them around a bit for what, about 5 minutes or so? If you don't like mushroom juice, drain it off and then set the mushrooms to the side.

Fennel: This was literally the first time I've ever even cooked with fennel. See how I'm just throwing all caution to the wind here? The Cook's Illustrated recipe that had fennel in it (found here but I think you might need a subscription) mentioned slicing, coring, and dicing the bulb. Suddenly, I knew something about what to do with a fennel bulb! Woohoo!

So, cut the bulb in half and take out the middle parts. I didn't dice it, and left it in fairly large chunks, partly because I wanted to make it easy for suspicious children anyone to be able to eat around it, in case they didn't like the flavor.

Melt half a stick of butter in the skillet over medium (I think!) heat. Add the chopped fennel and saute. I was working on the theory that it's kind of like onion, and tried to saute until it was translucent. How long does that take? you might rightly ask. And I will tell you: I have no idea, because just as I put the fennel into the skillet, the turkey finished roasting, so I took the enormous turkey out of the oven, removed the thermometer, covered the bird with foil, burned myself on the thermometer, tended to my wounds with ice water for a while. So figure out how long such a process might take you, add a couple of minutes, and THAT'S how long it takes.

Or, you might just watch to see if it turns translucent. As it happened, I didn't cook the fennel quite as long as I should have. Or maybe I'll dice it more finely next time. Still yummy though.

Set the fennel to the side.

Sausage: Brown the sausage in the skillet, adding a little salt, pepper (if you are the type who ordinarily has black pepper around the house, as opposed to me). As it was nearing the end of the browning process, it smelled to me like it needed more flavor. Fresh tarragon (which I had on hand thanks to a suggestion earlier in the week from Jessica) turned out to be Just The Thing.

Combine: Now here I had all of the ingredients, but still no stuffing. Since the bird was still insanely hot (and my finger was still smarting!) and I wanted the flavors to blend a bit, I decided to toss everything into a casserole dish. Mmmm . . . yummy smells. Before I put the dish into the oven, I added more tarragon, and then, in a moment of inspiration, some Sauvignon Blanc that I just happened to have in the fridge, taking care to reserve a generous dram or two for the chef.

Bake for about 15 minutes, stirring once maybe.

And here it is!

 
 I really liked how it was almost fluffy, just like regular stuffing. I think the flavors went well with the turkey (which I roasted with lemons and thyme, just fyi), and it was Thanksgiving-ish. I think I'll be making versions of this non-carby stuffing forever into the future.

And now that I have this as a base recipe, here are a few things I'd like to try:

• Saute the mushrooms and fennel together, and/or cook the fennel longer. 

• Try out different herbs--sage might be nice, or thyme.

• Have pepper in the house.

• Stuff the bird with it--it tastes so delicious with the reduction sauce I made from the turkey drippings that I can't help but think it will taste fantastic if stuffed inside the bird. I dunno how much pre-cooking would need to be done in that case though. 

• Think of other things that are paleo-friendly and/or yummy to add. Oooh! Maybe cranberries for Thanksgiving?

If you happen to try this--and sure, I can understand if you wait until, say, November--and make modifications, I'd love to know about it!

Another Recommendation from Sean

This one has a cute little song, is somewhat educational, and definitely strange. Enjoy!

Objectivist Round Up!

This week's edition is at Titanic Deck Chairs! Go on over, and tell Mr. Deck Chairs I sent ya!

Underwhelmed by the Hypoallergenic Peanut

Or is it hypo-whelmed?

Recently, there has been a flurry of articles talking about the research and development of a genetically modified peanut that does not contain the proteins responsible for trigger peanut reactions. I'm not all that excited about this development, and I'd like to try to explain why.

First of all, I recognize that this is well-intended and will possibly give Ryan more food options. I'm always glad when people try to do nice things for us living with food allergies, and so I really don't wish to sound ungrateful (well, I might sound ungrateful, but it's not my intent, honest). I recognize that having more food options can be a value to those living with food restrictions. And I can see a possible value in this development IF it is used as part of some kind of immunotherapy for people with peanut allergy. (Though if they're making them non-allergenic I don't quite see how, but I might be wrong about that.)

Also, it's strange that the hypoallergenic peanut is making news lately, unless there's been a new breakthrough. But I first became aware of this research years ago. But that's a very minor thing.

Anyway, on to my objections to this new kind of peanut.

I think it's insanely irresponsible that the media (I HOPE none of the scientists are thinking this) thinks that a hypoallergenic peanut will "free millions from fear" (as the second link above suggests). That is really absolutely untrue and sensationalistic. As long as they keep making the regular peanuts with the proteins that people like Ryan react to, we will not ever be free of the worry and stress that comes with the territory of Life with Food Allergies.

Sure, he might have more options, but the things we (and he) would need to do to keep him safe would not change. We'd still have to research companies and restaurants and make phone calls and talk to managers. We'd have companies whose labeling policies we'd trust and companies we'd avoid no matter what (Duncan Hines, I'm looking at you!). Note: I make my own independent decisions to trust labeling practices, and my trust is in NO WAY based on the government's food labeling laws. That wouldn't change if companies started using hypoallergenic peanuts in their products. I'd still research them and make up my own mind about whether we can trust them.

I worry that a hypoallergenic peanut would make well-meaning people even more confused about Life with Food Allergies. It took FOREVER to get some people to understand that We. Don't. Take. Chances. EVER. I can imagine that it would be easy for someone not in our shoes to get confused by the List of Things with Non-Safe Peanuts and the List of Things with Safe Peanuts. I can imagine this because I've lived it already--the confusion between the List of Things that are Peanut-Safe and the List of Things that are Not already exists. Not fun.

I wonder about how and where they'll grow these new peanuts. If they get cross-pollinated by bees with the regular kind of peanuts, will they still be safe? How will they control for this possibility? They can't keep genetically-modified corn out of the regular corn, right? I'm not a scientist, but I have to wonder if the same thing would happen with these peanuts. And I haven't ever seen this issue discussed in the many articles I've read about this topic. I'm really curious--would the hybrid peanuts be safe or not? And again--who with a peanut allergy would be willing to take that chance?

I honestly wonder if Ryan would even want to try a hypoallergenic peanut. He has expressed curiosity about peanuts, but I honestly don't even know if he'd eat it. I have a few food allergy friends who have expressed the same thought--that they (or their food-allergic kids) wouldn't even go there anyway. We've all learned to live without them. I wonder if those who are dealing with lots and lots of food allergies would be more likely to try them, since their diets are much more restricted than Ryan, who only has the one allergy.

But here's the real reason I'm underwhelmed by this exciting news about a peanut without allergens: it's an answer to the wrong problem.

Let me try to explain.

Ryan's problem could be stated this way: "Ryan can't eat peanuts because he's allergic to them."

Or it could be stated in this way: "Ryan is allergic to peanuts and can't eat them."

It's subtle, maybe, so I'll try again. His problem isn't that he can't eat peanuts--it's that he's allergic to them. He is living just fine without eating them! Okay, so they're both problems, but the lesser problem is that he can't eat peanuts. The more ginormous problem is that if he eats enough peanut protein, he could die.

And this is concerning to me, because I have to wonder how researchers got started down this road of researching and developing a hypoallergenic peanut in the first place. It's as if some (well-meaning, I sure) person thought "Those poor people can't eat peanuts. Let's make them one they CAN eat!"

Instead, I want them to think "Those poor people could die if they accidentally eat even 1/1000th of a peanut. Let's find a way to make that reaction NOT happen!"

It's like looking at a drowning man and thinking "Wow, that guy is in danger from all that water! Let's take some of the water out of the pool!" --instead of just throwing the poor guy a rope and saving his life.

It's not a perfect analogy, but I hope it makes some sense. People living with food allergies are LIVING with food allergies. Yes it's a pain and scary sometimes, and involves research and research and vigilance and Epi-pens and Benadryl and vigilance and education. It's not fun, and I don't wish it on anyone.

But we are managing around the bigger, scarier, more ginormous--and in my opinion--REAL problems: that some foods trigger terrible allergic reactions in some, but not others.That nobody seems to understand or predict the causes. That nobody can predict the severity of any given reaction based on the person's personal history. That there isn't even an agreed-upon definition for anaphylaxis! That children in some states and counties are not allowed to carry their Epi-pens with them at school, and that EMTs in some states are not allowed BY LAW to administer an Epi-pen in a food allergy emergency. That there is NO treatment to prevent reactions. That there is NO cure.

The problem isn't that Ryan can't eat peanuts. It's that he's ALLERGIC to peanuts. So please, researchers, find us an answer to that problem. Do something else with those hypoallergenic peanuts, because I don't want them.

UPDATE: I added a few sentences to the next-to-last paragraph, and re-worded my drowning man analogy.

Carnival of Homeschooling

Oh hey, Shez is hosting the CoH this week! For some reason I tend to forget to promote and participate in this carnival, but I've marked it on my calendar so hopefully I'll remember. It's one of the longest running blog carnivals out there, I think.

Thanks to Shez for asking me to participate, and reminding me! Go check it out!

More Parenting Q & A

It's been about a month since I've posted new answers to my Formspring questions (thanks btw!). They've revamped their site and it's really improved. For the longest time I couldn't even get to the site easily.

Here are a few of the more interesting questions and answers over the last month, mostly about parenting. And if you want to ask me something else, please do! Help me avoid laundry and housework, I'm begging you!

* * *

How do you define success as a parent? How is similar to or different from recognizing success or failure in any other pursuit or career?

An interesting thing to consider. How will I know if I've been successful as a parent?

I can say I was a successful parent today because I handled all of our problems according to my principles--kindly, firmly, no losing my temper, helping the kids do their own problem-solving and learn about each other's perspectives. Today I was a successful parent not because they learned something specific or because I did my part perfectly, but because I did my part well and in a principled way.

After they're grown, though, will be a different test of my (our) success as a parent. If they choose to pursue their values according to the virtues I advocate, and if we have a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and truly enjoy each other's company, then I'd consider that an OUTSTANDING success. And my parenting principles are aligned well with those goals.

But the kids each have free will and will make choices, and I might disagree with some of those choices. I have to accept that as their mother, there's only so much I can do, that you can lead a child to reason but you can't make him think. If for whatever reason, a child of mine refuses to think for him/herself and chooses a different path for his/her life, then it will break my heart. But I don't think that *necessarily* will mean I have failed as a parent.

Parenting is a process, not an outcome. I think parenting done according to rational principles is a definition and execution of the process, but since the outcome is also dependent on the child's choices, I think it's a mistake to focus solely on how they turn out as adults.

The only person I'm in complete control of in this relationship is ME. And as long as I'm able to parent according to my principles and live according to the virtues, and make up for the times when I make mistakes at this, then I will have done my part and will consider myself successful in both the short- and long-term.

* * *

There has been a lot of talk about 'giftedness' lately. It seems that most children have the potential to be outstanding in some area; do you think 'gifted' kids are just good at things that would be noticed in a school setting? Is there more to it

This subject is interesting to me as a former gifted kid. If my kids were in school I'd probably be working to make sure they got extra enrichment (gifted or not).

My best friend from middle school has a PhD in Education and her specialty is gifted education. I asked her about the definition of giftedness and this is her reply:

"No one in the field can agree on a common definition. The I.Q. definition of gifted is a person who scores 130 or above on an I.Q Test(Stanford Binet, Wisc, OLSAT, COGAT, NNAT). This is two standard deviations above the norm. However, gifted programs like the one in BISD take kids at a lower I.Q. around 125 and above to make sure they don't miss anyone and include high achievers. Other psychologists define gifted as doing better than the average kid in the four core areas, leadership, creativity or performing/visual arts. Every school district has a different defintion. The bottom line is it is kids that are well above average and because of this need more than what is provided in regular school."

So I think what she says supports the idea that giftedness is often defined in terms of academics. However, I think there can be non-academic areas, too (beware--this is just my unprofessional opinion coming up).

My daughter would certainly be considered gifted, and she is academically. In the academic skills that she has acquired at her age, she is very much like me.

Ryan's academic skills are not as outstandingly far ahead as Morgan's, with the possible exception of history. However, he is clearly an amazingly bright imaginative child who can make abstractions and connections in creative ways, often beyond his years. Not sure he'd make it into the gifted program in a school setting though.

Part of the reason this interests me is that I am really curious to find a definition of intelligence that I understand. Giftedness is high intelligence, I think. Is giftedness the same as talented? Should the idea of giftedness be applied only in academic ways, or should it be broadened to include athletic superstars and musical types? Maybe it already is defined that way and I just don't know about it.

I do think some kids are clearly a couple of standard devs from the mean (in both directions) and I can see that these kids need different kinds of assistance. I certainly did, and for the most part, got what I needed. I do think that homeschooling my kids will help them that little bit extra, since our "school" is quite small and very individually focused. One thing I hope for them is that they will truly be able to proceed at their own pace--that's my main complaint from my own education--being in a traditional school (private and public) slowed me down and I truly wish I could've escaped high school earlier.

So, not much of an answer, because I have so many questions about this subject myself. It's so interesting to think about, as I look back on my education and think about the things we're doing in our homeschool.

Oh, my PhD friend suggested the Hoagie's Gifted website. It's been a while since I've checked it myself and I should really go over there. Might be some fun stuff.

* * *

How do you discuss concepts like "god" or "universe" with your children? Generally, they will look out for answers regarding existence! But how do you tell them that existence exists and other things?

We tend to address these questions as they come up. My kids are especially talkative and full of questions that surprise me.

They've asked us about what goes on inside churches and how did humans get here and whether or not there are aliens in the universe. Our strategy has always been to answer as honestly as we can in a way they can understand. Unless my husband jokes with them about it--once he told them that church is a place where people go to judge each other's outfits (or something like that)! He answered seriously after that, though.

Our other tactic is to always always refer them to reality, and explain our own thinking process as well as we can, so they can follow our chain of logic (if possible).

It's easier to explain our (non) beliefs about gods and space than it is to explain why other people might believe in a god or think the Earth is younger than the fossil record demonstrates (that hasn't specifically come up yet, but we'll probably have to address that soon, going by the line of questioning lately). That others believe in gods, that family and friends believe in a god is much more difficult for them to grasp.

And the social conventions, too! It's sometimes not polite, really, to talk about how you don't think there is a god or that god might be a squirrel in the back woods (for example) with random people at the grocery store, or the probably very religious people at homeschool soccer. Explaining WHY it's not polite, and why it's okay to say your thoughts on the matter sometimes but not at other times, and what those situations might be can be hard to 'splain. :o) Ryan, the oldest, is better at understanding the changes in social context now that he's matured a bit. Not that I mind getting strange looks from people (TOTALLY used to THAT by now), but the purpose of soccer is to play soccer, and it's not the best time for a big old theological discussion.

Thanks for your question!

* * *

How did you know that Brendan was the guy for you?

Well, he's good-looking, funny, and was the singer in a band! What's not to love? :o)

But really, after we had lots of debates about ideas, we found ourselves in general agreement...then he read Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead...and that sealed the deal. :o)

* * *

What do you think the purpose of pretend-play (pretence) is in childhood? Beyond just "having fun", why specifically do you think children enjoy engaging in projects of fantasy removed from the world-as-it-is?

I saw a couple of others answered this question, too. I haven't read them yet, but I think it'll be interesting to compare our answers.

There's a couple of ways I look at how my children play. Sometimes it's for fun and entertainment--just like how I play (and other adults, too). Sometimes what looks like "play" to me is more comparable to an adult's "productive work." And sometimes I think it can be limit-testing and learning about reality.

For the regular-old-play kind of play--it's just like how adults play, and for similar reasons. They want to relax and do something fun, like watch a movie or go for a walk or read a book or play a game like chess. There are of course zillions of options to choose for fun and entertainment and relaxation, and all of us human beings seem to desire that from time to time. Kids are no exception to this.

But I think you're asking about the other two types of play (correct me if I'm wrong). I believe that kids are generally hell-bent on learning how to be adults and grow up already (although not necessarily consciously). So they spend lots of time practicing to be adults and learning how to do adult things. They imitate us, try things out for themselves. Kids seem to want to DO when they're trying to learn something. We adults often will read a book about something we're learning, make a few notes, integrate the ideas, then move on. For kids (my kids anyway), learning to do something new is a full-contact sport. Furniture must be moved (and/or protected). Bodies must be moved. Armies must be arranged Just So and battles must commence all over the living room. When I'm figuring out something strategic, I'll make a few notes maybe. Ryan will organize a game with friends and line up armies and work out the problem on a grander scale.

And they're not content to just do something once. They repeat things they are learning, over and over. Sometimes it looks like meaningless play, boring and unnecessarily repetitive to us adults, but then again, sweeping the floor has lost much of its shine since we've done it so often. For kids, they love to experience the process of learning something new--and they love to experience it over and over and over. You know how a first kiss is awesome, but you can never get that experience in quite the same way ever again (with the same person I mean)? I think maybe kids can. That's how it seems to me--sweeping the floor is endlessly fascinating and the wonderful thrill of learning and doing something new lasts and lasts!

They imitate us, too, and when Sean scribbles on a piece of paper and declares it an airplane, part of me melts with the cuteness, of course. Awww....he was "playing" and "drew" me an "airplane!" The wee dear. But really, from his perspective, what he was doing was Work. He sees me and the other kids writing and he wants to do it too. It's why I can't get mad when he flushes the toilet 15 times in a row. It might look like he's "playing" with the toilet, but really, he's learning what it's like to do something that he sees everyone else in the house do on a regular basis.

The last kind of play, fantasy play, is interesting to me because it's seems like part-entertainment and part-trying-out-something-new. And it's also limit-testing, I think. Kids test their parents' limits (and how!) but they are also learning about Mr. Reality. Can horses fly? Do people really live inside the television? Is magic real? How can I know what it might feel like to be a fireman? Using their imaginations and testing the boundaries of reality can be fun, interesting, and a way in which to explore ideas they are interested in.

Humans have imagination, the ability to think up things and situations that aren't directly experienced in reality. Kids develop this ability pretty quickly, but since they're still learning about reality, it seems like it's hard for them to distinguish the boundary between reality and fantasy at first, like for many years maybe. But lots of practice living in fantasyland and realityland and moving between the two will help them recognize where the boundary is, I think. And learning to imagine yourself in different situations is a first step toward the skills of sympathy, empathy and maybe even introspection.

We've used fantasy and imagination in many useful (and fun) ways. When Ryan was worried about what might happen in a peanut reaction, we role-played what would happen. He was a fireman or doctor, and I was the patient who'd eaten a peanut. When kids are in that period where the boundary between reality and fantasy is really fuzzy (IME between 2.5 & 5-ish), we've used some fantasy/imagination-based strategies to help them overcome fears. Ryan was afraid of pirates--we gave him "pirate spray" (spray bottle of water) to spray all over his room. We told him it was water, and we said "Let's use our imaginations to pretend this is powerful pirate spray and that any pirate who smells it will run away screaming because he'll think it's really stinky." (Or something like that.) When one of them says or does something that hurts another's feelings, we say "How do you think you might feel if someone had done that to you?" Again, imagination, if you know how to use it, can help in so many ways.

Hmmm...so long. I hope I answered your question in there somewhere. And as usual, I'll issue my standard disclaimer: Dammit Jim, I'm a Mommy not a child psychologist! :) But I have read a bit about this stuff in various child development books which I can find if you want. Oh, and my personal experience involves a small sample size, n=4. So, you know, whoever reads this, do your own due diligence and all that. :o)

Parents and Kids and Money

So even though I've written on this topic lately, and even recorded a podcast on it (which will come out in a few weeks), apparently I have even MORE to say about finance and money! Lucky, lucky Readers! This time I have a few thoughts to share about how we discuss the family finances with our kids.

When I was growing up, we kids got allowances and had opportunities to earn extra money as I've mentioned. I was about 12 when I started babysitting for money. My mom also ditched the cleaning bi-weekly cleaning service when I was about 15 and hired me to do it instead, for the enormous sum of $35 a week. In high school, my friend's mom hired me to do clerical work at her office, and I worked during most of my undergraduate years, usually around 20 hours a week.

So I, as a kid and young adult, knew about working, and earning money, and learned a few money management skills. That was good, and I'm glad I had those experiences. But one thing I never knew much about was our family's financial situation and how my parents managed their money. I wish they'd shared more information about that, especially once I reached high school.

Once I found a pay stub of my dad's lying on the dining room table and looked at it. It was amazing to me, the amount of money he earned (he's a smarty-farty engineer), and I was equally amazed at how much money he sent to the government. Then my mom caught me looking at the pay stub and yelled at me. It was none of my business to know how much money my dad earned, and that was private information and I was NOT to go blabbing about it to my friends. I was shocked at how much trouble I was in, really, just for looking at something left lying out on the table in a public area of our home.

I think maybe her main concern was really that I'd go telling people what my dad made. However, I was the sort who was pretty unlikely to have done that, and even so, if she'd just asked me not to mention it, I'd have honored that request. But her reaction was so strong, I have often wondered if there's more to it than that. The result of her strong reaction was that I never, ever talked to them about their money ever again, even when I was using their money to go to college (which they freely offered).

My parents rarely spoke to us about their budget, and while they did not deny us the experience of being told 'no' about a great many things, they were very private about their money. Hmmm...it just occurred to me that maybe they didn't want to burden us or worry us about money, that worrying about money is something adults are supposed to do, not kids. I get that. That might have been part of it.

The downside of not having this kind of communication is that I had no idea when I was going to college how much debt they were going into on my (and my sister's and brother's) behalf. If I'd had any clue, I would have tried different strategies to get myself through college. Any time I asked about it, they told me not to worry about it, that they were going to put me through college, it was something they'd always wanted to do for us, and that they'd find a way. They'd always had it in their heads that they were going to do this for us, it was VERY important to them. So I let them. Unfortunately, they got into a lot of debt, and once we were all out of undergraduate school, we all ended up taking back a portion our student loans and helped finish paying them off, even though some of them were in our parents' names.

So one thing I resolved to do when I became a parent is to communicate openly with my own kids about our family finances, so they can see what we're facing in our family, and learn, too. Now I don't think it's necessary for all of the children to have a complete picture of our financial portfolio. Even if they could understand stocks and retirement funds, they lack the knowledge and experience to put some of that in context. I can only imagine Ryan's panic should he see some of our investments decline on a down day (or really, the last couple of years). He's eight, and doesn't require full disclosure--yet. I envision a time when that will come, however, probably in their teen years, when they can learn about Time Value of Money and basic investment strategies and even managing credit.

What we do share with them now is that we have financial constraints, that we are trying to be more careful with our money. When much of our money disapparated with a little pop! in the stock market about a year-and-a-half ago (thanks, bipartisan legislators!) Brendan and I began the enormous task of re-evaluating our financial picture and re-formulating a new plan to take into account concerns for the future, such as the inevitable increase in healthcare costs headed our way (thanks again, legislators!), inflation, etc. We've got a new plan, yay.

Explaining about financial constraints, and how to make purchases based on your values, has been really beneficial, for the most part. One of the things I'm doing these days is planning our dinner menu for the week in advance and then buying according to my list and plan. This helps me stick with eating right and keeps our grocery budget in balance, too. So when we're at the store and one of them asks to buy something, I feel free to say "No, I don't think I'll buy that today. I have enough money to buy the things on my list, but no extra money for extras today." Or when trying to make a purchasing decision, I'll speak out loud and often enlist their assistance: "Hmmm...I'm trying to decide between this pork that's on sale and this chicken. I don't have enough money for both today, which one do you think we'd enjoy more?" This models making value-dense choices, and financial planning.

The one caveat to this talking about our budgetary constraints plan--try not to overplay your hand. Apparently, all of this discussion about making financial decisions has caused Ryan to become concerned that we are running out of money and/or are going to the poorhouse. (Yes.) Again, he's eight, and Morgan's five (and tends to ride along on Ryan's coattails of worry sometimes), and it's hard for them to put this stuff into context. We have explained that we are NOT running out of money, and that if we're careful with our money then that's a way we can make sure that we won't run out of money. It was an interesting conversation, and I think it eased their minds a bit. But I have backed off of making too big a deal of it at the grocery store. :o)

And I think maybe that's what my parents were trying to protect us from--worrying about money. I was mildly alarmed when Ryan expressed his concern that we were running out of money--he wasn't especially upset, but he'd been thinking this over in his usual way and coming up with plans (current one: plant our own garden so we can have "free" food!) to mitigate this poorhouse circumstance, etc. But really, his worry and our conversations served an excellent purpose--providing him with more information and context so that he needn't worry, keeping our communication open and unrestricted, and teaching him about money management. This is the kind of stuff I wish my parents had done more of.

We also talk with them openly about how much money we earn. I doubt they could quote you Brendan's last paycheck (maybe Ryan could, I have no clue), but we have never kept that information from them. When I get a check for the cabin, I show it to them and they marvel at its size (not that I'd consider them incredibly large, but to a kid, those checks are enormous!). They go with me to the bank to deposit the checks, and they know about the bills we pay with that money. They know about the bills we pay for our home. If they wanted to, I'd let them sit down with me and help me pay the bills. I don't think they know or really care about specific amounts, but at least Ryan understands that we have to pay the electric company peopleguys because they provide electricity that we use to run the lights, and same with the water company, gas company, etc. Because of this, we can say to them "Hey, we watch most of our movies and tv on Netflix now. It's only $9 a month compared to cable which is $60 a month. We'd like to save some money so we're dumping cable." Okay, they weren't happy about this decision, and we weren't really asking for input (because it's Brendan's and my money to decide about), but they can understand A.) our current movie habits, and B.) do the math. They weren't happy, but they understood our point, you know?

Someone recently asked me about saving for college for the kids, and here is my honest answer: We're really not. Does that sound heartless? It's not. It's more important that Brendan and I save for retirement, especially given how we think the economy is going to go in the next 25 years or so. That is a rationally selfish choice. Now, if we managed to save for retirement and then some and could non-sacrificially pay for the kids to go to school, then we would be more than happy to offer that to them, as a token of our love.

But I don't feel obligated to pay for them through college--not that we won't help out from time to time--but I don't feel on the hook for college. There are many ways for them to get through college: scholarships and "loans" (which they'll probably never have to pay back if this 20 year debt forgiveness thing stays in place!) and working part-time and going to school part-time or on a non-traditional schedule (not between the ages of 18 and 23, I mean). And really, I'm not assuming they'll all even want to go to college.

They have small funds, nothing to go to college on probably, but every little bit helps, I think. Most of it is through UPromise, a great program because you can earn money for college without even trying, and relatives can help, too, by adding their credit cards to our account. So we'll have that for them, but maybe not much else.. And we'll be quite frank with them about what we can and can't do, and what we'd be willing to do for them. I'm learning from my parents' mistakes and I won't get myself into huge debt just to put them through college. I put myself through grad school while working full-time--it can be done, working and college.

So what do you think? Do you share information about your financial picture and decision-making with your kids? Do you think I'm totally off-base? Either way, I'd love to hear your comments! Thanks!

Podcast #6: The Trader Principle

This week’s topic is The Trader Principle!

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Helping a child manage her frustrations

• Topic: The Trader Principle (begins at 5:51)

• Q&A: Toothbrushing Tactics (begins at 17:07)

Thanks for listening! This podcast marks the end of our first group of recordings. We made a couple of changes beginning with Podcast #7. I hope the technical changes will not be apparent, or at least improve the listening experience. And next time we’ll have our first question for the Q&A that came to us after we started podcasting. (Click here to get to the podcast site to download it directly.)

Enjoy this week’s podcast, and help us spread the word! As always, send us email at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. We’d love some constructive feedback, and of course, questions for our Q&A or topic suggestions.

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Moonlight through the Pines

In honor of the day we moved to Georgia, sixteen years ago:

Creative Projects and a Big Step toward Independence

Before I forget, don't miss this week's Objectivist Round Up, at The Rule of Reason!

We spent much of the day today working on creative projects and it was lots and lots of fun. Morgan spent a couple of hours doing DreamBox math. She hadn't used the website in a while (preferring regular old flashcards somehow), so I thought she'd become disinterested in it. Wrong! Maybe she just needed a break.

DreamBox is like Starfall for math (only it's not free), and is for kids in grades K-3. She was really getting into it today. Apparently the kid does a certain number of math problems and earns tokens of some sort. After so many tokens, you can unlock new games to play. Morgan was determined to play a certain new game and managed to do it. (She also managed to fall off of her chair in her excitement, but that's how she rolls.)

One thing I like about DreamBox is that they send me email every time she has mastered a new concept. There's a parenting dashboard too, where I can go and check her progress on certain levels. Right now, she is solidly in the middle of first grade level math, and knowing the ideas she was working on today will help me reinforce them in every day life. Very neat, and totally worth the price. Now if I could just get Ryan to play it! Sadly, he won't--there aren't any battles and therefore, what is the point? I'm going to get him going on Math Blaster or something more appropriate for those bent on world domination the battle-obsessed.

Ryan's big project for today involved starting his own blog! And THAT involved getting set up with a Google account (he's using Blogger). It was quite an adventure, let me tell you! Alright, I think I will. :o)

He's been talking about a blog for a while now, a couple of months at least. Yesterday when we were at his ultrasound (still no results yet), he told me he'd come up with a name for his blog: The Blog of Ideas. Because that's what he wanted to do, write down all of his ideas. Now THAT is a good idea, don't you think?

I looked around on the internet for any blog services specializing in kids and found Kidblog.org. It's kind of a neat site, free, and pretty easy to get going with. It's a good idea--set up in a way for an adult to monitor and support blogs for multiple kids (it's set up for classroom teachers, but parents/homeschoolers can sign up, too). However, it wasn't going to be customizable enough I didn't think, so Brendan and I discussed letting Ryan have a gmail account.

It's weird, this decision to let your kid get real-live internet access. The paranoid parent inside me began to wonder about all of the Bad Guys, and privacy concerns. But the more we thought about it, we couldn't think of a good reason not to let him have email and a blog on Blogger. Neither of us were comfortable letting him go crazy all over the internets right away--even if he had a clue how to do that (which he doesn't). But given he'd need so much help here at the beginning, we figured we'd keep things close while he's learning what to do, and then ease up on the reins a bit after time.

So I set him up with email and set up his account to forward everything he gets and sends to me. (Though the forwarding of sent mail doesn't seem to be working, I'll have to figure out how to fix that.) I turned off the chat functions, ads, and other extraneous stuff he doesn't really need at this point (or ever, in the case of Google Buzz, IMO). I added our family to his contacts and showed him how to write them email. He wrote to Daddy, Nonnie, and Gramma & Grampa. They all wrote back promptly, very excited that he has email. He was so proud!

Then we set up his blog, and it's currently semi-private, meaning you have to have an invitation to be able to read it. When I asked him if he'd like to have a private just-for-him blog, a semi-private, or a public blog, he immediately declared "Public! I want EVERYONE to read about my ideas so I can be rich." (I think he means that everyone will like his ideas so much they'll hire him to make them into reality, or possibly just hire him to think up more ideas.) For now while he's learning the ropes, I think Brendan and I are more comfortable with only people we know pretty well having access to the blog. It's not that I'm really worried about Bad Guys--I know they're out there, of course, but I'm not too worried about them. I'm mostly not wanting to have to deal with lots of questions and explanations should he get comments from people we don't know. Not now, while he's getting used to the process. I'm sure we'll open it up at some point, especially if he really sticks with it, because as I mentioned, he wants to be rich and famous.

So he wrote several emails today, and one blog post. The blog post is three sentences long and it took him an hour to write! I went into this project knowing I'd have to help him with spelling and grammar (this does count as homeschool after all!). And naturally I was aware that he'd never taken typing at all, but somehow I didn't realize how much it was going to drive me FREAKING INSANE watching him hunt-and-peck. So I'm now on the lookout for a fun learn-to-type game for kids (for the Mac), preferably one that involves lots and lots of battles, heh.

What was interesting to experience was his motivation. This was HIS idea and he was determined to see it through. He did some whining here and there, especially at the beginning when he'd type something in wrong and not know how to move the cursor or delete his mistake. But we worked through it, and he was really trying to do a good bit of independent spelling, too. After the second time he wanted me to spell 'who' he said, "You know what? I think I'm going to write down all of the words you tell me on a piece of paper, and then I won't have to keep asking you the same ones." I played it cool. "Sure! Sounds like a good idea. Here's a notebook." But inside I was jumping up and down, shouting HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY!!!! I just counted his list: 36 words. How cool is that? The kid created his own vocab/spelling list all on his own for his own purposes.

So yeah, his first post took an hour of hunt-and-peck, and some spelling assistance. When he was finished, he was eager to post it right away, but wanted me to make sure it looked just perfect. So I helped him locate the beginnings and ends of the sentences and put periods after them. And I helped him capitalize the first word of each sentence. I taught him about blog labels and how useful they'll be once he's filled up his blog with all of his ideas. And then he published!

I wish I'd taken a picture; he was so proud.

Now Morgan wants her blog and email, too. Her typing skills are as non-existent as Ryan's, but I think she's a better speller. So that might be my project for tomorrow.

So I'm curious--at what ages did your kids first get email? Did they get something "real" like gmail or did they get something through school or another service for kids only? What kinds of ways do you monitor your kids on the internet and what are some privacy pitfalls that might be useful to avoid?

I feel like this is a Big Step--not as big as first reading or shaving--but still pretty big. He is taking his first (somewhat) independent steps into the grownup world of the internet. I think I'm almost as excited as he is!