Hooray! Hooray! 100K!

Today this blog reached a milestone: 100,000 hits! Six whole figures, I can hardly believe it!

Thanks for stopping by, and I'd sure love it if you left me a comment so I know who all of my awesome readers are. :o)

Recent Comments on Parenting

Some of my more thoughtful writing over the last few days has been in the comments section of Kelly's post "The Mistaken Goal Chart: The Swiss Army Knife of Parenting." It's a great post, by the way, and the Mistaken Goal Chart as developed by Jane Nelsen is an extremely useful tool when dealing with a tricksy parenting situation--you know, the kind of parenting situations where you pretty don't know where to start.

To get the full effect of the discussion that is occurring in the comments, you ought to read the entire comment thread from the beginning. It's long, but full of very thoughtful remarks about really important parenting ideas, the very ideas I've been thinking through and talking over with Brendan and Kelly lo these many years. I will, mostly for my own memory's sake, republish a few of my own here even though they will lack the context of the other comments. They're not super-polished, but I want to think them over some more, and thought maybe a few of my readers would like to think them over, too.  (I did fix some typos and added italics, etc for clarity.)

Fwiw, I got hung up on "belonging" too when I first encountered PD. Learning more about the psychologists who influenced Jane Nelsen (their names are Rudolf Dreikurs and Alfred Adler) helped me understand that this idea of belonging is really another way of saying that children want to feel that they are a value of their parents.

All people, including children, want to be valued by the people they value, and when a child is first developing a sense of self-esteem, he couldn't learn it from parents who ignore him or treat him as if he's not a value to him.

Healthy self-esteem begins with a child's feeling that he is a value to someone, his parents. From there he can learn to value himself, which will become primary, of course. But it's hard to imagine a neglected child who doesn't feel as if he's worthy, that he belongs to his family, will easily figure out that he ought to value himself most of all.

That may not make sense as it was written during many interruptions, and I see that Kelly has left a terrific answer instead! Oh well, I'll throw it out there, too.

I am curious about your objections/criticisms, Amy, because I think it would be helpful for me to think them over and check my premises. So when you figure them out, please do let us know!

Next:

I agree that self-esteem is only part of what a child needs to develop with a parent's encouragement/guidance.

I was reading The Virtue of Selfishness the other day, and the three primary values are, as I'm sure you know, Reason, Purpose, and Self-Esteem. And the virtues are the actions a person takes to get there. I think a parent's primary job is to do what you can to encourage kids to value reason, develop their life's purpose(s), and develop healthy self-esteem.

Kids need help and guidance, not having instincts, and what with being new and all, but I think that's the fundamental job of parenting. They're new here; we're not. We love them and value them, so we're here to help, and this is beyond the basic obligations of food, shelter, etc. A parent who is trying her hardest to raise her children according to her values will want to try to help her children value those things, too.

Every single tool I use with my kids (when I do it according to my principles and not when I lose my temper, of course) reinforces those values and teaches them a virtue or two, gives them practice in acting morally. Conversely, I believe that punishing (doing something else apart from the natural consequences in order to reinforce a negative lesson) and rewarding (doing something else apart from the natural consequences in order to reinforce a positive lesson) do not support those values or teach virtues.

When I'm unsure what to do in a parenting situation, I always go back to the things I want my children to value (Reason, Purpose, Self-Esteem) and the virtues I want them to learn/experience/practice (Honesty, Independence, Pride, etc.) and see if I can find a way to treat them/teach them/parent them that will reinforce those values. PD tools, almost without exception--in fact, I'll have to really think hard about whether or not there is an exception--help me do just what I want to do as a parent.

It has been very useful to have parenting principles that I can use in different contexts, and the principles are derived from the values/virtues. My principles are the same for my 2 year old, my 5 year old and my 8 year old, even though they are all in very different stages of development.

I'm not finished articulating them all perfectly just yet, and continue to check premises and refine my ideas, of course (that's what Brendan and Kelly are for!), but this is why I'm confident that I can say I will continue to use these principles as they get older, even though I am not entirely certain exactly HOW I'll apply them, not knowing the contexts in which I'll need them.

The people who created the PD ideas and tools are beginning from different starting premises than we are, which is why Kelly and I are making the effort to explain why parenting according to PD ideas falls in line with Objectivist principles. There are a few points of disagreement that we might have with some people in PD, but they are very minor, not fundamental (for example, the "use logical consequences very sparingly" is something some PD proponents would agree with, but Kelly and I would disagree with).

By the way, all of this is a provisional statement, made off-the-cuff as I write this comment, so I reserve the right to edit/rephrase this in the future. I stand by it, but I haven't taken the care I typically would if I were writing this into a post, for example.

 And:

I enjoyed reading your comment, and much of what you say makes sense. I also struggle against what was ingrained into me about the parent-child relationship--that it's my job to "fix" them, and that somehow if left to their own devices, the kids will gravitate toward bad choices. When I consciously remember to stay out of their choices and let the consequences (natural) fall where they may, I am still so often surprised when they choose the good, which happens at least as often as they choose the bad.

I wrote about the specific principles I use in a post last November (Kelly uses these too), called "On Children, Parents and the Use of Force." The principles I use on an every day basis when making decisions about whether and how and to what extent I need to involved myself are:

The Life, Limb, and Rights Principle (When do I step in? When the child's life or limb is at serious risk in my judgment, or when the rights of others are or will soon be violated. In other words, I try to set limits by rational standards.)

Erring on the Side of Freedom (A corollary of LL&R--means if I can't think of a good rational reason to say "no" then I say "yes" and let the consequences--good and bad--happen and let the child experience them, and help them cope if necessary.)

Enforcing Limits (If a limit must be set, then I need to enforce it--since the limit is based on LL&R then it is just that I enforce it.)

The Minimum Use of Force (When enforcing a limit, including the times when physical limitations must be set, I use the least amount of physical force to keep the kid within the limit, for the least amount of time. The child always has an option to demonstrate he can remain within the limit at any time. The moment he can do so, I stop doing what I am doing. I never hit them.)

Those principles apply only to discipline situations though, and there are wider principles such as:

How I interact with them (respectful and kind communication, and I never, ever lie to them, though I try to present information in ways they can understand)

How I help them gain skills such as problem-solving (modeling and coaching and encouraging--never bribing--and through giving them lots and lots of practice)

How we negotiate conflicts (The Trader Principle, etc.)

How we do work around here (productivity, and we respect each other's right to work uninterrupted--well, some of them are still learning that!)

Sharing passions and having fun!

I'm sure there are more, too--those non-discipline examples are off the top of my head.

Positive Discipline tools are all very consistent with these goals--discipline and communication and sharing our lives together in a mutually respectful way.

Jane Nelsen offers concrete ways to achieve these ends, and though Kelly and I modify our language a bit when explaining the ideas to Objectivists, the underlying principles are pretty much already there. By the way, Jane has told me a number of times that she is an "Ayn Rand fan." :o) Always nice to meet a fan.

Because I have some principles, and because I have tools that support those principles, I have options as a parent when I encounter situations I wasn't prepared for (every day, and again, I can't even imagine what the next decade will bring as they all hit the teens). I have options that will help me guide and encourage and reinforce Objectivist principles, and I have options that will help me do that guiding and encouraging and reinforcing while behaving virtuously myself.

Other PD authors who might be worth looking into if you are not a fan of the PD books themselves are Barbara Coloroso and Faber/Mazlish. 

Also:

Agreed. This is where having principles helps me (versus being focused on concretes). Kelly & I argue that the relationship between parent and child is unique because of the nature of children, and that it changes as the child develops (see her Nature of Children post). The parent-child relationship is inherently unequal, and it is because of this metaphysical given that we parents need to make sure we are not being arbitrary in our decision-making and when we use our judgment to override the children's desires. It is not easy.

(Part of the reason I cut out most of the comment was because I'd extensively quoted another commenter and haven't asked her permission to reprint here.)

 Also also:

(Again, haven't asked permission to quote--but you can see the comments at the original post.)   . . . I tailor how we talk to, interact with, teach/explain ideas, etc with the child's stage of development.    But I do not use excessive physical restraint when a tap on the shoulder will suffice, and I do not let a child yank a toy from another's hand (a use of force) because it is wrong. I do not let the baby hit people because it violates the victim's right to not have his body hit. I do not let people wantonly destroy property unless it truly 100% belongs to them, because it's a violation of property of someone else.  No matter what stage of development the child is in, these principles apply.  I am possibly misunderstanding something though, so I'd appreciate clarification.    The beauty of Objectivism as an integrated system is that the objective principles still hold is this very unique context--that of a young human being developing and a parent trying to guide him along. 

 

Also also also:

. . . I think the way I'd essentialize the [parenting] principles would be something like "treat the kids as if they are human beings who need my help and guidance to learn and practice moral behavior."

Because the way I treat them and communicate with them is very very similar to the way I treat adults--the main difference is that I explain more of the whys and wherefores of my actions and the actions of others.

Also, I have the obligation to restrict their improper behaviors when/if they can't do so themselves, so when I must do that, I do it in the most respectful possible way, using the least amount of force/restriction/I'm sure there's a better word here possible to ensure that the behavior is stopped until they are prepared and able to be back in control. Remembering that they are human beings worthy of respect and kindness helps me handle difficult discipline situations where I must use some kind of force/limit-setting in a "kind and firm" (to use a PD phrase) way. Remembering that they are young and learning and need my guidance helps me remember that other famous Mommy Mantra: "This, too, shall pass."

I'm not sure if this is clear or not (it's late and I'm not feeling well), but it's the best I can do for now. If I can think of a better way to phrase what I'm trying to convey, I'll be sure to let everyone know! I think it is important to have the ideas distilled down in some way.

Thanks.

Anyway, good stuff, and lots food for discussion. Thanks to Kelly, Beth, Amy, and the other commenters for making me stop and think, generally a good and fun! thing to do.

PD Tool Card: Routines

In our most recent Family Conference, we used the problem-solving portion to create a Routine Chart for bedtime. The experience of creating and using it has been somewhat straightforward and predictable--and has also yielded some surprising (to me) information about one of my children.

Most parents are familiar with the need for routines and many of us use them outside of parenting, too. As someone who loves to know what to expect (I'm a "J" on the MBTI test, if you're into that sort of thing), I tend to enjoy routines: creating them, using them, wearing them like old fuzzy slippers. Love. 'Em.

Other people I happen to live with (coughcoughBrendancoughcough) tend not to love the formalized routines so much. But I submit that even those crazy wonderful people use and benefit from routines--they just might not know it, or care about it as much, or not get all excited to see a routine delineated on a big white chart with colorful markers.

By the way, I distinguish routine from schedule. A schedule is an activity (that could be part of a routine) that needs to occur within a fairly tight time frame. Routines are more general, and somewhat more flexible. Before I was beaten down by learned how to relax a bit let go of my perfectionism had three kids, I was a big believer in schedules-with-a-capital-S. Now I'm a lot more fun and chill, and a whole standard deviation's (or two) worth less obsessive, I leave the scheduling to people who run movie theaters. I prefer routine over schedule, especially when it comes to children (because nothing will make you learn how to not worry about what time something happens like having children, especially more than one!).

And it so happens that there is a Positive Discipline Tool Card for Routines!

The card says: "Help children create routine charts to encourage responsibility." And lists the steps to making an effective routine chart.

The first step is the most important one if you want that "encourage responsibility" portion of the program (and I'm supposing that you do): "Create routine charts WITH your child." I will speak from experience as a parent, and remembering from childhood, that nothing gets a person less interested in a chart than one that's presented to him as a done-deal. Even now, if you gave me a list of things to do--even if I knew it was my responsibility to handle those tasks (such as for the AOS or work around the house)--I'd be irritated and resentful of your bossing me around. And guess what? So are my kids!

We also created a Bedtime Chart, but this process can be used for many different types of routines. Our bedtime process was all over the place--literally and figuratively. It's still my responsibility to get Sean down to sleep, and his routine is necessarily different from the older kids. Even where the routines overlapped--they all three need teeth-brushing, for example--there was no consistency in remembering (on my part or Brendan's) and no easy way to figure out who had done what. Basically it's been too chaotic and unorganized for the likes of me. (I suspect everyone else wasn't as bothered by it as I was.)

So what we did at our Family Conference is worked together, all of us (except Sean who keeps milking that "I'm a Toddler" excuse for all it's worth). I actually got out a large easel pad, similar to the type I use in parenting workshops with Kelly, and my fancy-schmancy Mommy Markers (fascinating to the children as I selfishly reserve them for my own projects and do not lend them to others). I explained the process, and we all brainstormed the things that needed to get done before bed.

This is what they came up with (in no particular order):

• Brush Teeth
• Put on pajamas
• Read a story
• Big Hug and Kiss from Mom and Dad
• Tuck In

We were missing what (in my opinion) is a very important step, so I suggested Use the potty. Oh yeah! Good one, Mom! And hence, one of my ulterior motives for this routine chart was addressed.

Next came my other two motives: Wash face and hands (because holy smokes, that needs to be done on occasion), and Pick up clothes and toys from bedroom floor. THIS was the Big One, as I'd spent much of the previous day arguing and negotiating helping Ryan declutter and organize his room. Now I have loudly and often proclaimed my low housekeeping standards, and I stand by them (or over them, rather--they're that low). But his room had devolved into such a ridiculous state that I couldn't stand it one more second. I knew that one way to help prevent future problems would be to have him pick up his toys and clothes at least once a day, and I suggested this as part of the bedtime routine.

Once we'd all agreed that yes indeed, these were things that could be done and should be done and would be done, I rewrote everything nice and neat, and then Morgan and Sean colored and decorated it (Ryan didn't want to help). We agreed to try it for a week and then talk about how it goes at the next Family Conference. We also agreed on a general time frame for the routine to begin--not a set-in-stone schedule, but a general thereabouts. Our household is probably much more flexible on this point than most. I'd venture to say that if the kids were in school, or were starting school soon (as in next week), then our routine might need to begin on schedule, to make sure everyone got enough sleep.

So we tried it. As expected, Ryan resisted and tested whether or not we were serious about this. One night he protested and fought for so long there was no time for a story (and no patience either). But after that, it hasn't been such a problem. We kept referring him back to the chart (see Step 4: Let the routine chart be the boss.) We also didn't hesitate to remind him that he'd agreed to use it (another great reason to get the child's involvement in the procedure). He understands the fundamental nature of contractual obligations, and though angry, did not deny the justice of our position.

But the surprise has been Morgan. Each night, she goes upstairs (we stuck the chart on the wall outside the bathroom), reads each step carefully, follows the directions, runs back, reads the next step, etc. This is surprising to me because it's such a Jenn-like thing to do. :o) She is so much like Brendan, that sometimes I forget she came from me, too! This child seems to take an especial satisfaction in knowing what's expected, having it written out in a clear way, and it seems as if she gets a sense of completion and pride from having finished all of the steps. The first night she was so excited that she began the routine about 15 minutes early!

This is wonderful because she is taking that responsibility I wanted her to, being independent, and she is experiencing pride in her accomplishment. Which, incidentally, is connected to Step 5 above: Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards. Pride in accomplishment is an end in itself. If she were focused on winning a reward (a sticker or extra 5 minutes of story time), it could easily distract her focus from an independent first-handed feeling of pride.

This is also wonderful because I have struggled and struggled with figuring out how to help her follow processes with multiple steps. Those who know her in person are familiar with the fact that you can't give her more than two instructions verbally if you want half a chance that she'll follow the instructions. Sometimes I wouldn't place a bet on whether she'd follow an instruction with ONE step! Could it be that all we have to do is write the steps down together? Does she just not hear things? Is she primarily visual (that's me)? Does making this into a fun project with Mommy's taboo markers simply get her full undivided attention? I'm not exactly sure which factor it might be (or all of them?). Doesn't matter--we'll definitely be trying this again!

Have you ever used Routine Charts with your kids (or spouse, ha ha!)? How did they work for you? Any enlightening moments, such as my Morgan Revelation?

A routine chart--a handy way for everyone in the household to understand and agree on responsibilities, and a wonderful way to reinforce a few of the virtues, too. :o)

Objectivist Round Up!

This week you can find the Round Up at Musing Aloud. Spread the word!

Getting Trickier

A friend of mine had her first baby yesterday (hooray!) and so I've had newborns on my mind for the last 24 hours or so. I was remembering how intense parenting is in those first few months, how exhausting. Sean is absolutely ancient compared to this new little baby (and an enormous moose, too!), and can do things such as tell me what he needs, walk, and play on the computer. In many ways he--though still in his babyhood--is sooooo much easier than a newborn.

But then they grow up even more and things get kinda hard again (and I don't even have teenagers yet!). Here's an example from just this morning. Ryan and I were folding his laundry and, picking up his soccer shirt, I remembered that it's time to register for fall soccer. So I asked him if he wanted to play again. He had a blast last spring, so I was more than a little surprised when he said no.

At first he was pretty vague about why. Yes, it was fun. Yes, he'd enjoyed himself. Yes, he wanted to see C. again (one of his special buddies and a fellow food allergy kid, too). Yes, yes, yes, only . . . no. So I asked him about other kids on the team and he then THEN! he mentions that he liked them all except for one kid, N., who was "kind of bossy and aggressive." Ryan doesn't want to see N. again, or even face the possibility of seeing N. Apparently N. did a lot of punching, too.

Now honestly, I have no clue who N. is, and I never saw anything like bullying behavior during soccer (nor do I think that would have been tolerated). I suspect that if N. is kind of bossy and aggressive, then that's rather a turn-off for Ryan, being the aggressively bossy type himself. :o) As far as the punching? It's very possible that it was playful kind of kid (boy?) punching, and I do remember seeing the guys on his team doing some of that stuff. It even occurred to me at the time that apparently 7 or 8 is when the sports-related punching gene seemed to turn itself on. Maybe I'm wrong about that though.

I told Ryan that I wished he'd mentioned this to me back when soccer was going on, because it's the kind of problem I can help him resolve, that's what I'm here for, it's my job, etc. That maybe the coaches didn't know. We talked about how N. might not be on his team next time, since Ryan is moving up to the 8-9 year old group.

We talked about making a decision about this based on whether or not he thought he'd have fun, what HIS values are, and not based on the possibility that this kid will be there. In other words, making a self-interested decision versus a second-handed decision, and why it's important to think about your values first. If he decided he wanted to play soccer, that this was a value to him, then I will help him with N. if he's still a problem.

It was at this point that Ryan said, "I'm not playing soccer and I really don't want to talk about this any more." So I asked to say one more thing, and stressed that I thought he should make his decision based on his values, and reiterated that it's my job to help. Then we dropped it and went downstairs.

All this before coffee!!!

And I hate this kind of stuff--and I know it's only going to get even more complicated, in ways I can't quite even imagine (though I remember my own teenage years, and those of my siblings).

So many unanswered questions. Is N. a bully? Was he awful to Ryan? If so, why oh why didn't Ryan mention it? Doesn't he trust me or want me to help? Would he have been embarrassed by my help? Was there even a kid named N. on the team? Is this just an excuse Ryan thought up because he doesn't want to play soccer again? If so, what's the real reason? Etc. Etc. Etc.

Arg arg arg. Almost makes me yearn for the newborn days . . . almost. :o)

Weekend Update

So how was your weekend? Mine felt so incredibly SHORT that when I woke up this morning, I still thought it was Sunday. Imagine my surprise to discover Brendan heading out of the bedroom, all dressed and ready for work. BOO! (I'm sure B will second that sentiment.)

Besides trying to avoid the crazy heat (and trying not to stress about our next electricity bill), we had mostly a low-key weekend. Morgan and I went out for breakfast and some one-on-one time on Saturday morning. It's part of an agreement we made in a Family Conference a couple of weeks ago, that Brendan and I each give all of the kids some individual attention on a semi-regular basis. (It's what Jane Nelsen calls Special Time--I wrote briefly about it here back in the gloriously cold, cold winter.) It was fun to go out with her and just be together.

Other semi-interesting things going on around here lately include:

• Sean's very first lengthy full-out multi-stage temper tantrum. W00t. 

• Morgan had several meltdowns herself (need to remember there's a Five Thing, and WHY did I have kids three years apart again?)

• Ryan was difficult and unreasonable, too. Trifecta!

• Work work work--I am trying so hard to get a handle on my many projects. A thread on OProducers helped me realized I haven't been tapping into the full potential of OmniFocus, so I'm trying to, you know . . . tap.

• Brendan worked, too (he still does work on a part-time basis for his old client) 

• Podcasting for the first time since way before MiniCon. Wow.

• Dreamin' and schemin' about various things.

• We shoveled Ryan's room out--it's back to "somewhat liveable" (all the way from "hazardous to your health").

• I listened to The Golden Compass (haven't read these books yet) while I worked on Ryan's room, and I realized that I do like audiobooks after all, and that it's not actually "cheating" if you listen to a book as opposed to reading it. :o)

• We lost power for several hours Saturday afternoon when a freak "pop-up" thunderstorm appeared directly over our house (a look at a Doppler map confirmed our perception). Outside of the hurricanes I've experienced and the hailstorm we had here when I was pregnant with Morgan, I have never seen anything like it. Brendan saw churning clouds and we spent a little bit in the basement and everything. The tornado/thunderstorm sirens never even went off.

• We went swimming this morning, and just as I was leaning back to dip my head in the water to get my hair out of my face, Sean jumped/fell in the pool. I was right there, but I nearly had a heart attack because he was SCARED and swallowed a bunch of water. How long until he can swim? 

• I also realized I was thinking about our upcoming beach vacation (25 days 'til we leave!) as an opportunity to catch up on work--and I have decided that that's very, very wrong. So I'm going to take a break on my vacation. No really. I think I need to, mentally.

Coming up

• New and exciting projects for the Atlanta Objectivist Society (hey, check out our blog, btw!)

• A get-together with some people from our local homeschool group at a lake on Wednesday
• Morgan and Ryan might sleep over at Kelly's on Wednesday night! When I say "might" I'm talking about Ryan, who has never ever even once wanted to spend the night at someone else's house. I hope he'll do it!

• On Thursday, Sean is going to be participating in a study at Georgia State about toddlers and signs/gestures (not ASL/baby signs, something different I think). It's also going to be a Peopleguy Tour (I know, I know, I need to write a blog post about those) because Ryan is so super-duper excited to learn what kind of work Researcher Peopleguys actually do.

• We may or  may not go to the Southeast Homeschool Expo on Friday or Saturday. It's really neat, very large, but I hate that the registration fee keeps increasing each year. Also I know if we go I'll spend lots of money that we don't really have.

• A friend is coming to town next week and I'm excited to see her!

• Next Thursday is an Objectivist Play Date! Woohoo!

• Also next Thursday--the first day of school in Cobb County. I know they get out in mid-May, but I feel sorry for those poor kids who need to trudge to the school bus in this insanely hot weather. 

• The official public school year means that homeschool activities will be starting up soon, too (both Ryan and Morgan will be taking chess this session at co-op), and it also means we'll have the pool pretty much to ourselves for the rest of the season. Another reason I feel sorry for those kids who have to go to school in the scorching summer!

Anyway, that's the scoop with me. What's new with you?

Picture of the Moment

I took this last night:





And I just love it.

Maybe we should get them all doing Speak No Evil/See No Evil/Hear No Evil. I'll try to convince them because that would be Cute.

In other news, has anyone seen the charger to our real camera? Because we can't find it and I really do like to take pictures the old-fashioned regular way, too.

Objectivist Round Up!

LB has this week's edition at 3 Ring Binder! Good stuff, if I do say so myself. And extra host appreciation love goes to LB who stepped up at the last minute to host, when our original host experienced some major technical FAIL. I'm honored to know such a great bunch of OBloggers, let me tell you.

In other Objectivism news, Craig Biddle of The Objective Standard announces:

Through the end of July, TOS is giving away a free sample PDF of the journal to current or new Facebook fans who also join our mailing list!

Not a bad deal! For information, visit the website or the Facebook Fan Page!

Podcast #9: Positive Discipline Tool Cards

Okay, so I lied about having a new process for recording the podcasts beginning with Podcast 9. Stay tuned for THAT on Podcast 11! :o)


Here’s the line up:

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): Dealing with a major potty regression

• Topic: Positive Discipline Tool Cards (begins 7:00)

• Q&A: What is the difference between Natural and Logical Consequences? (begins 22:02)

Thanks, as always, for listening! Send us your feedback: cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. And join our Facebook Fan Page!

Listen now, or download from iTunes or the Podbean site:

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My Official State Homeschooling Packet

Today I received a rather thick packet of information from my county's School Superintendent. It's interesting and I think I'll take a minute to explore the packet and tell you what I think about it.

Why? Well, apart from the fact that I just know everyone is interested in my views on pretty much everything, this is a good use of my time because not everything they sent me is written into our state's homeschooling laws.

It is SO important to know this stuff for yourself, because some of what I've been sent appears to be perfectly reasonable and were I not informed, I might be providing information to the state that I am not legally required to, that the county has no right to even ask me for.

Page 1: A receipt, so to speak, for last homeschool year, showing that they did receive my documentation that Ryan was homeschooled last year for the state-required minimum 180 days. It's nice of them to send this, though they are also not required to send this by law. I have my own attendance records and keep copies of what I send to the county, so if they didn't send me this receipt, I would still be covered should anyone ever decide to investigate our records.

Page 2: A summarization of the Home Study law for Georgia. Nice of them to send, though not legally required (in fact, the county is not legally required to communicate with me in any way, unless they are following up on missing paperwork). Let's see....looking over this, the information summarized here mostly matches my understanding of the law. I just double-checked on LexisNexis (searched "home study" GA) and the law states (as I recalled) that attendance reports must be sent to the school superintendent, not "school superintendent or designee" as stated in the form. A quibble, perhaps, and I have no problem sending our reports to the designee, but they ought not to represent that as the law I think.

Page 3: A copy of a Declaration of Intent to Utilize a Home Study Program (aka DOI). Everything checks out according to the law. Yay.

Page 4: Cobb County Public Schools Information Sheet 2010-2011 School Year. Not required, and indeed, this is noted as an "optional" form at the bottom of the page. I will not be submitting this, as it asks for information my public school system, quite frankly, has no right to know, including all of our phone numbers, the kids' DOBs and grade levels, and the name of the school(s) they last attended. While I am glad the county has marked this optional, I'm concerned that they would even try to obtain this information, and even more concerned that other parents would provide it.

Pages 5-9: A list of homeschooling resources. Not required for them to give me. This section begins "There is no provision in the law that requires public school systems to participate in or contribute to home study programs; neither does it prohibit a school system from assisting on a voluntary basis." It's nice of them to provide, I guess, and I'm sure some parents may find value in it. Let's just say I'm suspicious of their motives. Many of the resources on the list are great.

They also provide a list of accredited online/correspondence high schools with the caveat "Many distance learning education programs are not accredited by an approved agency which may affect college admissions and HOPE Scholarship." This is so very true. Also, it begs the question of "approved by whom?" and exposes the biased-against-homeschoolers HOPE Scholarship rules (homeschoolers have more hurdles to jump through to receive this, and must get it retroactively only, because you know, the quality of high school student churned out by the public school system is necessarily higher than those unaccredited homeschoolers. Sorry. Couldn't resist that one.)

Hmmm....lots of serious words about what will happen if a homeschooled high school student tries to transfer back into the public school system, and all of the stringent standards/probationary periods that might affect them. Beware!!!

Later on, after a list of testing services (GA homeschooled kids are required to have a standardized test every three years beginning at the end of third grade), this amusing sentence (emphasis included) "Cobb County Public Schools provide Standardized Testing only for students enrolled in Cobb County Public Schools. The CRCT [our state NCLB test] is given only to a student enrolled fulltime in a Cobb County Public School." Oh darn! My poor kid is denied the privilege of CRCT. Dude--one of the many reasons I haven't enrolled him in the first place.

Oh, pleased to see our homeschool co-op listed among the resources. Yay!

And then, Driver's License Information (emphasis included): "Home schooled students under 18 years cannot obtain a Georgia Driver's License if they are not registered with the county and file attendance on a regular monthly basis." Actually, this law applies to all students, not just homeschooled ones. The state legislature effectively raised the age of compulsory attendance from 16 to 18 (this was a few years ago) by not allowing <18 year olds to get a driver's license unless they were in school. Utterly ridiculous and you probably shouldn't get me started.

Pages 10-11: Cobb County IKA & IHBG District Administrative Rules Regarding Entering a Student in a Local School from Home Study. Their policies for letting homeschooled students back in indicate that they will assess the students according to "State Board of Education policy and District Administrative Rule requirements relating to entrance into kindergarten or first grade." (What does that mean?), "Chronological age," "performance on standardized/placement tests" and "age, physical size, social and emotional maturity levels." As well as lots and lots of extra rules for high school aged students. Good to know.

Page 12: TRANSCRIPT OF COURSE WORK COMPLETED IN HOME STUDY PROGRAM: HIGH SCHOOL. (All caps in original.) Wow, they really seem to expect me to send them my kids at some point, huh?

Page 13: Change of Address/Status Form. This form is to tell the office of a change of address or a change of status--that is, if we stop homeschooling. NOT REQUIRED BY LAW. Just sayin'.

Next, they provided 10 copies of the Monthly Attendance Form. Everything is in order on the form.

Finally, Page 24: Withdrawal Notification (on pink paper!). This is just like the Change of Address/Status Form only without a "change of address" section. Again, NOT REQUIRED BY LAW.


Interesting packet. Overall, it's okay, but I hate that they even send this, because I think it is intended to give parents the idea that they can--and should--rely on the state for assistance in homeschooling their children. I have a problem with this over-reliance on the state to certify and license things, to make things like birth and marriage "official," etc. in general.

My problem with this in our culture is precisely why I choose to follow the letter of the law and provide only the minimum necessary to remain compliant with the law. I do not give Ryan's DOB or grade level, because it's not required (only his age is required). I will not report Morgan as attending Kindergarten this year, because the compulsory attendance law does not require reporting until the child is age 6 by September 1 of any given school year (I know of people who homeschool for K and choose to report early, and boy I wish they wouldn't).

This packet from my county was mostly in compliance with the law--but if I wasn't informed, I might not know that it's not entirely in compliance. I know of another county in Georgia that recently sent a similar packet to its homeschoolers, and erroneously told them they needed to show up in person at the superintendent's office to apply to homeschool, and submit a curriculum for inspection, too. Uninformed citizens of that county, believing that people who work for the state have a knowledge of the law (and perhaps not realizing that they have an incentive to ask for more from people than they legally can), may have complied with this illegal request. The last thing I want to do is have people who work for the state to become accustomed to receiving more than the minimum, because once they do, they have the power to make it into a law. We need fewer laws and restrictions and requirements; not more.

(Unlike my flaunting of the Census Bureau, I choose to comply with this law at a minimum. I certainly don't recognize the state's right to know my kid's name or age and how many days he "attended" homeschool either. But given that they have the power to take him from me if I don't comply, it's not worth it to flaunt.)

So thanks, Cobb County, for sending me that packet. I assure you that you will receive only 11 pieces of paper from me this year, though: 1 DOI and 10 attendance reports.

Are You a Fan Yet?

Cross-posted from Cultivating the Virtues

I set up our official Facebook Fan Page today, woohoo! Here is the link:

Cultivating the Virtues

And you'll have noticed that there is a little box now on the left sidebar linking to it.

Our Fan Page is another step toward world conquest our getting this project organized into a real-live grown-up business. :D :D :D :D And also: :D

I also linked our Fan Page updates to Twitter. Yes, you can now follow Cultivating the Virtues on Twitter, too! We've actually had that account set up for many months, but hadn't a need for it until, well . . . until just now.

We'd appreciate your Fandom, RTs, accolades, laurel wreaths, and of course, questions and comments.

And here's a question--what do you think about a semi-regular "Open Thread" here on the CtV blog? If you'd be interested in something like that, let us know!

Green & Black's Chocolate

Now that I'm all over evolutionary eating (aka paleo), I don't often eat sweets any more. But I do occasionally eat chocolate, because it's so very yummy. And now that I've got my bad premises straightened out (part 3 coming soon, promise!), I am able to enjoy chocolate in a much healthier way than I used to.

Still. Chocolate is a tricky thing for us, because of Ryan's peanut allergy. And so it's hard for me to find good quality chocolate with high cocoa content that I feel safe about keeping in the house.

I first found Green & Black's Chocolate at my grocery store, and was impressed with their allergen labeling--very specific, right down to the specific tree nuts that are handled in the manufacturing facility. As a food-label-reader, I always love it when companies take that extra step to label potential allergens like that. As a peanut-allergy-mom, I was thrilled to note a significant absence from G&B labels: peanuts. This is highly unusual for chocolate products, as anyone who walks in my shoes will know.

Because I am not ever satisfied to go by labels only, especially with products like chocolate (which seem to have many peanut allergy pitfalls as a general rule) are concerned, I decided to investigate the company itself. By the way, I highly recommend first-handed due diligence to anyone with any kind of food allergy, since labels and manufacturing practices change--as you'll see.

I was excited to find this answer, on their FAQ page (emphasis mine):

Your packaging states that your products are made in a factory which handles nut, cereal and dairy ingredients. What does this mean?

Although some of our products are made without nut, cereal or milk ingredients, they are produced in a factory that handles them. We take all precautions to minimize the risks of cross contamination with these ingredients.

We take into account scheduling of products and we clean the lines by flushing chocolate through until there is no notable trace of the previous lines’ chocolate in the new batch. We are confident that the cleaning procedures are robust and eliminate traces of nut, cereal or dairy ingredients, but the only certain guarantee of absence is by manufacturing in a nut, cereal and dairy free site. Therefore we use the above statement to ensure consumers are fully informed about our products.

Specifically, our chocolate is made in a factory that does not handle peanuts. However, the factory handles five types of nut - Brazil nuts, Almonds, Hazelnuts, Cashew and Pistachio nuts.

For more information please check the link to product ingredient facts.

Great! Getting closer to the answer to my question (which is, "Can I buy G&B chocolate ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaselettheanswerbeyes ?").

Then I clicked on their homepage, and saw that they were introducing their Peanut bar. Le sigh.

See what I mean about information not always being up-to-date?

Undaunted, I pestered them on Facebook, Twitter, and through their website's Contact page. :o) Look, I'm desperate for chocolate, mmmk? And what I'd seen so far indicated two very important things: that this company is very allergen-aware (a big plus) and that it was just possible that their specific labeling meant that the peanut stuff was produced somewhere else.

I received a very nice email (several, actually) from Gail at G&B, who explains this about the peanut bar situation (reprinted with her permission, and in its entirety at her request):

Hi Jenn

firstly, apologies for not getting in touch sooner. I wasn't in the office for a couple of days for family reasons, and I know you're very eager to find out what the situation is with our peanut bars and the possibility of cross-contamination.  I have talked to our Head of Technical, Carl, and here is the information.

Although some of our products are made without nut, cereal or milk ingredients, the chocolate is produced in a factory that handles certain types of nuts - Brazil nuts, Almonds, Hazelnuts, Cashews and Pistachio. We take all precautions to minimize the risks of cross contamination with these ingredients. We take into account scheduling of products and we clean the lines by flushing chocolate through until there is no notable trace of the previous lines’ chocolate in the new batch.

We are confident that the cleaning procedures are robust and eliminate traces of nut, cereal or dairy ingredients, but the only certain guarantee of absence is by manufacturing in a nut, cereal and dairy free site. Therefore we use the above statement to ensure consumers are fully informed about our products.

You specifically wanted to know about our Peanut bar and how it affects the previous information you had.  Our Peanut bar and some of our Almond bars are finished at another location from the rest of the range. If an Almond bar has any risk of peanut cross-contamination , it will be clearly mentioned on the label of the Almond bar. Please check the labels carefully on each bar that you find.

I hope that this answers your questions, but please don't hesitate to follow up with any more queries and we'll do our best to get the information for you. Just so you know we are based in London, in the UK but we'll always get back to you as quickly as we can.

Regards
Gail

Community Manager

This is great information! I now feel very confident in their labeling and am willing to purchase (and have actually done so!) their chocolate that is safe for us as-labeled. I'm thrilled that we can eat some of their chocolate.

But even if their answer had been "Sorry, don't eat our chocolate as the new peanut bar is made in our facilities, and we haven't updated our labels just yet."--which was entirely possible--I would still have been nothing but impressed with this company. Their awareness, care in labeling practices, excellent communication (despite what Gail wrote above, there was no unusual delay in her getting back to my question!)--all of that would make me recommend them to anyone else who wants some really delicious chocolate.

As always, please do your own due diligence for any product that might contain an allergen. I'm passing this information along, and I feel confident, but my confidence is not necessarily a good reason to try it yourself--you might have different severity to deal with, different allergen "comfort zone," or other factors I'm not aware of. When it comes to judgment: Use Your Own--Accept No Substitutes! :o)

Thank you, Gail, and Green & Black's Chocolate! Hooray for companies who care about their customers--actual and potential!

Now please excuse me while I go share a square of Hazelnut & Currant chocolate with the kids. On second thought, maybe I should selfishly eat it myself . . . .

Objectivist Round Up: 3rd Birthday Edition

Happy Birthday to the Objectivist Round Up! This week's edition at The Playful Spirit marks the beginning of Year Four.

As always, thanks to Kim for getting this great idea started three years ago.

And thanks to all of you bloggers who participate and host!

And thanks to all of you readers who read the posts, leave comments on them, and promote the Round Up via email, tweet, link on Facebook (nudge nudge wink wink er, hint hint)!

It's been my pleasure keeping this project going. :o)

Podcast #8: Praise versus Encouragement

And we’re back, after our somewhat longish break! We intend to get back on a more frequent publishing basis for a little while. Our lineup this time:

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): Mom Keeping her Temper FTW! (Decide What You Will Do Positive Discipline Tool Card)

• Topic: Praise versus Encouragement (begins 5:35)

• Q&A: Uncles and Aunts (begins 18:44)

Technical note: Podcast 8 was the last one we recorded using Audacity on a PC (which we then transferred into GarageBand for editing on the Mac). Beginning with Podcast 9, we recorded directly into GarageBand, and we’re hoping that will improve some of the buzzing I keep hearing. At the very least, it will be easier for editing, and Brendan is going to teach Kelly and me how to do more of the editing ourselves. Which may–or may not–result in more frequent posting.

As always you can download the podcast episode directly from here, and it should show up in iTunes sometime in the next day.

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Good Things: Coming Up for Air Edition

I'm behind on everything, it seems. I have yet to write an end-of-the-year homeschool wrap up, a Flat Ryan update, the third installment of my fixing-my-eating-premises posts, not mention a few other ideas I've had for posts since about forever ago.

The house? Forget it. The yard? Same. I did manage to pay a few bills on time, but that's just because they tend to get cranky and stingy with the services when they don't get their money.

But you know what? It's all good. I have been having a BALL over the last couple of months, working hard like peopleguys and dreaming and scheming. If only I didn't require sleep! How much more productive would I be then?

And busy as I've been, it's all been the good kind of busy--the kind of busy that comes about as the result of value-pursuit. I've been running a mile-a-minute, and even through the exhaustion and stress, generally what I'm feeling is sheer joy. :o)

Sometimes, though, I forget to relax. I need to remind myself that it's okay to take a break from the speeding train that I've fueled up and started. So that is what I'm trying to do, and here are my Good Things that support that mission:

• A fairly lazy weekend with just my favorite people in the whole world: Brendan, Ryan, Morgan, and Sean. 

• Eating the same dinner two nights in a row because A.) it's easy (sausages and hot dogs on the grill), and B.) everyone likes it, and C.) it's cheap and paleo.

• Coconut milk ice cream: mint chocolate chip. No, not strictly paleo, but a delicious treat all the same. Also, I was good and only bought one little pint that was just enough for one dessert for all of us.

It's the Summer, and I'm trying to remember to relax and enjoy it. Tomorrow: the pool!

How has your summer been? :o)

Grocery Store Math

I have something exciting to share with you--the last few trips to the grocery store with the kids have been, well . . . actually FUN. Before I tell you just why that is, allow me to describe a typical grocery store scene.

Sean usually rides in the cart, as he is the least trustworthy and most likely to cause lasting damage. (It's a close call, between him and Morgan, but he's the one who needs to be in the cart. I think.) We always start off fine--I've got my list, I've laid down the law set kind and firm limits about what I will and will not buy, will and will not do, and will and will not put up with during the trip.

Everyone agrees to the general plan, and apparently I am an idiot because I will often feel good about our prospects for a smooth grocery store run, suffering as I do from Grocery Store Amnesia (similar to Pregnancy Amnesia). Which is pretty funny if you think about it, as I go to the grocery store every three days, and seem to only have kids every three years. You'd think frequency would lessen the effects of GSA, but maybe it's even more powerful than amnesia caused by pregnancy. Hmph.

We wander in, Morgan on one side of the cart, Ryan on the other. We'll pick up the first few items, when suddenly the cart will veer off to the right, as M acts as a wayward rudder due to her grip on the side of the cart.

"Don't pull the cart off to the side, please!" I'll say, kindly and firmly, still in the grip of Amnesia. "Okay, Mom!" says she. Lulled by this sense of actual connection, we keep heading onward . . . toward destiny.

Okay, now we're in the produce section, and suddenly a fight breaks out between Ryan and Morgan over who gets to choose which kind of apple to buy. "Hey, we can get a couple kinds of apples!" I say, encouragingly, and because I'm still filled with patience and kindness. We work out a plan for apples (or whatever kind of fruit or veggie they were wanting) and move on.

Morgan steers the cart toward a little old lady. "Morgan! Watch where you're going!" M: . . . I try again. "Morgan? Morgan? Morgan! MORGAN!" M, surprised to hear her name: "Huh?" "M, watch where you're going! You nearly pulled the cart into that lady!" "But Mom! Did you see the lobsters?"

We all (except for me, a life-long hater of lobsters) stop and admire the lobsters.

Moving on, as I'm loading things into the cart, Ryan has now suddenly decided that the side of the cart M had been walking along was actually the one he wanted, and executes a coup. M complains for a minute, then switches to the other side. Sean, as if on cue, reaches over and pulls her hair.

I extricate M from Sean's grip, pat Sean on the back to soothe his cries as his right to pull Morgan's hair has been violated (as Ryan helpfully points out), and try to check things off my grocery list at the same time (the list is on my iPhone). Sean notices my iPhone and screams for it, just as Morgan accidentally knocks several items off a shelf, as she'd been walking down ahead of the cart with her arms outspread and, you know, actually touching the items on the shelf. I chuck the iPhone at Sean and help M pick up the boxes of whatever, when Ryan starts freaking out "Morgan! Morgan! What did she touch? Did it have peanuts in it? Blaaaaahhhhhhhgggg!"

I try to explain "It's safe, Ryan. She knocked over bags of flour/packages of diapers/the entire spice rack/etc." To no avail. He is now convinced she is contaminated with peanuts and shrieks like a banshee if she gets within three feet of him. Just for fun, Sean reaches down and pulls her hair again.

I'm only halfway through my list now, and start jogging down the aisles, tossing items into the basket (after reading the labels of course!) and trying to check the screen on my iPhone (which Sean is waving in the air over his head) to determine which items are absolutely necessary (wine) and which ones I can buy later, preferably at a time when I can ditch leave the kids with Brendan and come back to the store by myself.

Morgan, still crying from the latest hair-pulling and because she can't keep up with how fast I'm going, gets confused and accidentally turns the other way and manages to get halfway down the meat aisle before realizing that nobody is with her. She panics, not hearing me call her name or seeing me standing there (for I have noticed her detour), and starts to SCREAM.

Meanwhile, Ryan is still complaining that Morgan might have touched something with peanuts in it (no matter how I reassure him she didn't), and Sean has called everyone in the contact list on my iPhone. I decide to eff the rest of the grocery list, and consider developing a religion so I might have someone to pray to in order to get through the checkout line without losing my temper, or without Morgan or Sean actually grabbing something that DOES have peanuts in it, thereby causing Ryan to have some sort of screaming spaz* (or worse, a reaction) in the checkout lane. We finally leave, having purchased only two-thirds of the list, and I vow to NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. Until three days later.

But this, THIS! scenario hasn't happened lately, and THAT was actually the whole point of this post, but I got a little carried away there. :o)

Our latest grocery store trips have been lots of fun, and it's all because of Math. I know, MATH!

I've always tried to tally up what I'm buying, so as not to be surprised in the checkout lane. (I'm not really one for surprises as a general rule.) In the last six months I've endeavored to be a real stickler for this practice, as I'm carefully watching our money almost like I've never done before. So take the above scenario, imagine me frustrated even more because all of the altercations make me forget how much I've spent so far, and . . . that's not good.

So guess what I did? I involved the big kids! (Seanie still gets the iPhone . . . for now.) I started saying my tally out loud, and saying things like "Hmmm. . . this item is $5.50. I've already spent $32, so how much is that?" And one time, someone piped up with "$37.50!" Conceive of my surprise and delight!

I started making it into a game, and both big kids started joining in. Sometimes things get a little heated when someone is a bit quicker at the mental math than the other, so we work out a deal--M can take this question and Ryan takes the next. Morgan is usually quicker than Ryan, but he has a better grasp on the concepts and can add more quickly when carrying is necessary (such as $39 + $12) because he is able to rearrange and group the numbers into 10s and re-form the problem into $40 + $11.

Oh. My. Goodness. This is so cool. Of course, they get good math practice, and think it's fun! Also, I get help keeping tabs on what I'm spending. I can also show them how much cash I have on hand, or tell them my budget for that trip, and we can make sure we stay within it. If we're getting close to our budget, they don't pester me for extra items, and Ryan will often warn me against buying much else. We talk about other ways to change the equation around. They understand (and sometimes I'll actually point this out) how darn useful math can be, and are motivated to learn more. And now Sean will shout "67!" after the others shout it--he's paying attention and beginning to learn, too.

And apparently, doing mental math is so interesting/fun/helpful to Mom/what-have-you that there's just no energy left for walking down the aisles with arms stretched out, or arguing about who was walking on which side of the cart first. (For now.)

It's so surreal! And lovely. Wow, I hope it lasts.


*For the record, the grocery store is a harrowing place for a kid with a severe food allergy to go, so I don't blame him one little bit for being nervous. I do, however, blame him just a teensy bit for thinking I would cavalierly saunter up and down the aisles if he were in actual danger. But he'll outgrow that. I hope. :o)

Discussion, Not Debate

I'm still recovering from MiniCon and dealing with tying up loose ends, so my time for blogging is limited just at the moment. So I might be recycling just a bit, please forgive.

A couple of weeks ago, when a certain thread under discussion on the OGrownups list got heated and became a debate, we called a temporary halt to that thread, and then I wrote the following email to the group. The reason I'm posting it here on Rational Jenn is that I'm proud of the email--I really took time in crafting it and I think it's a good bit of writing--and I also think it's good general advice for thinking about communicating with others in various online forums.

Enjoy!

In keeping with a principle from Positive Discipline that my friend Kelly has condensed into the phrase "Yippee Mistakes!" I view the acrimonious debate that occurred a couple days ago as an opportunity for members of our group to learn something new, regroup, and try to improve for the future. Mistakes were made the other day, and I have no wish to rehash them or point fingers (and ask that you refrain from doing so, too). We all make mistakes--I make them all day long. What I'm interested in is how we move forward as a group.

First let me try to explain why. One of the reasons I'm so excited about this group is that it's a real opportunity for us--as Objectivists, parents, educators, caring aunts, uncles, grandparents, and lurkers who might not be in full agreement with Objectivism but who are interested and learning from our discussions--to have the kind of principled discussions about this very, very important area of our lives. I can talk to other moms in my neighborhood or homeschool groups about parenting--and I do--but those people do not share this common philosophical base with me. This group provides a value for me as a parent, a way to talk about these sometimes difficult parenting issues with others who share my values. I hope that others view this in the same way, too.

Some parenting issues are pretty straightfoward and are purely in the realm of optional values. Other issues are much more difficult to decide about, such as whether to have a repeat c-section (to use an example from my own life that some people view as a controversial, and possibly wrong, decision). I want us to be able to talk about these more difficult, possibly controversial, decisions--the morality behind them, the thinking process, our personal context, our values--here on this list. But that will be impossible if such threads degrade into name-calling and accusations.

Diana suggested that we all go back and read a short essay written by Jean Moroney (http://www.oclubs.org/newsletter/a-discussion-is-not-a-debate-how-to-keep-discussions-friendl.html) , and if you haven't yet done so, please do. To summarize a couple of key points:

A debate . . .
. . . is to be won and lost (there is a winning and a losing side)
. . . requires thorough preparation and exactness of definitions and terms

A discussion . . .
. . . is an opportunity to present your thoughts
. . . is more casual, and participants should not be held to the same standards of precision in terms as a formal debate (or other presentation)
. . . will not necessarily change someone's mind (but that's not the purpose)

And of course, discussions are what we want, not debates. (In fact, it's official OList policy, I believe!)

Here are a few more suggestions I have for future discussions on OG:

• Use "I" language. Instead of "Don't be a maroooon" (as Bugs Bunny would say), say "I don't understand your point. Can you clarify further?" or say "I'm confused by this statement . . . ." Instead of deciding that the other person is [insert adjective here] ask a question to find out. "You" statements can put the other person on the defensive (which can turn the discussion into a win-lose debate); "I" statements are non-accusing and invite clarification.

• Focus on making YOUR point rather than refuting someone else's point.

• Consider that this group provides you with an opportunity to A.) say what you think and B.) maybe get someone else thinking about the idea in a new way.

• Give people the benefit of the doubt. We all want to understand these issues and be good parents. Until you have reason to think otherwise, assume positive intent.

• It's not fair to expect people to instantly change their minds about a subject, no matter how brilliant your argument happens to be. So if someone does not immediately come around to your viewpoint, that does not necessarily make him dishonest or irrational, etc. We all recognize the need for thoughtful consideration, introspection, and examination of premises. I don't know about you, but that process often takes me a while, and can't ever be done well when I'm stressed or tense.

• I'm not suggesting anyone refrain from judging. Feel free to judge others, but consider that your personal judgment of someone else's character is not adding to the discussion, particularly if you are interested in trying to persuade others. Stick to the issues--think what you like of the person, but keep that out of the discussion, and tone of your email.

• Keep in mind that most people don't participate in the discussions, but are probably reading them and learning from them. If people are watching a debate, the focus might be on who is going to make the next zinger, and less on the real issue at hand. That might be entertaining (or depressing) when watching politicians debate, but here, we're all trying to figure out how to do the best we can.

• Save retorts and one-upmanship for private emails--honestly, it's fine with me if you want to have an acrimonious debate, just don't do it here.

Here's something I learned in the how-to-teach parenting workshops I took in the last several months: all I can do as the facilitator/presenter is present the material. The learning must be done by the participants and the observers--and I have no control over that. All I can do here on OG is present my viewpoint and evidence for it. Whether or not I change a mind--outside of my control. In a way, knowing this has been freeing to me--I have no pressure to convince anyone. I challenge myself to be clear and have good reasons for the things I say, but that's all.

Finally, remember that we have ALL made mistakes with our children, both major and minor. And remember that a mistake (Yippee Mistakes!) is a chance to reexamine a premise, change, and improve. So I hope we can move forward from here, and get back to discussing the issues that affect us and the children we all love.

Objectivist Round Up!

This week, it's at Sandi Trixx.

Next week, the 3rd Anniversary Edition will be at The Playful Spirit!

OGrownups Monthly Summary

A few days late with this, but in case you hadn't heard, I've been a little busy. :P

In June, we added 6 new members, and had a total of 235 members as of June 30.

This month's topics included:

Discussion of news articles

• 5 year old suspended from school for "thoughtcrime"
• Katie Granju's son Henry

Blog posts by OG members

• Life learning
• Cultivating the Virtues podcasts
• Teaching kids to evaluate risk and safety
• Children's book reviews

General discussion

• Education Activism (a call to arms!)
• Food & Fertility
• Summer Learning
• A new baby (always exciting!)
• Finding and OB/midwife in late pregnancy
• Goat's milk
• Parental rights and children's rights
• Free Range Kids and hot dog dangers--a dose of sanity
• Getting together at OCON (hope it's fun!)
• You Might Be an Objectivist Parent If . . . (fun thread)
• Support Selfish Parenting (parenting activism!)
• Circumcision (understatement of the year!)
• Raising Entrepreneurs (based on a TED Talk)
• Computer programming for kids
• Kids & Food
• Piggy Banks

A very active month. Can't wait to see what July brings!

Click here to join OGrownups as a posting member or a lurker.

MiniCon, AwesomeCon

I have been on a high since people started arriving for MiniCon last Friday afternoon. This is simply the best feeling. Kelly and I worked so hard on AOS and MiniCon, and to see the results of our hard work coming together, to see smiling faces, and hear laughter, and discuss ideas that matter in our lives with others--well, two words keep floating in my mind: Pride and Joy.

Here is my MiniCon experience (and we hope to put quotations from other attendees on the AOS website).

Our new friends LB and SB and their two daughters stayed with us. It was fun to get to know them, and I'm so glad LB didn't have a reaction to the cat! Their daughters cared for the children while we were MiniCon-ing, and my kids really liked them both quite a bit. Their younger daughter and Sean are special friends now, I think. :) And yes, LB did bring a 3 ring binder to the classes!


Friday's Social

About 40 people came to the restaurant in Buckhead and we ate, drank, and made merry. Kelly and I hugged each other about a million times. I might have jumped up and down once or twice. Actually there seemed to be quite a bit of hugging and jumping up and down. It was a fun evening--meeting new people (some from Texas gave Kelly and me some great books about the Lone Star State as a gift, and some books for the kids, too), and greeting friends. There may or may not have been a drinking game involving the mention of the word "mosque." :)


Saturday Workshops

Since this was a budget conference, our Saturday classes were held at a county rec center in Marietta. The facility was clean and the two rooms we rented were large enough for the classes. We set up a table in the hallway for concessions. AOS-ers Travis and Colleen were the King and Queen of MiniConcessions, thanks!

There was also a table for packets of stuff from ARI, the Lucidicus Project, the Black Ribbon Project, The Undercurrent, FIRM, CSG, OList.com, Explore Atlas Shrugged, and of course, Cultivating the Virtues and the Atlanta Objectivist Society. Thank you everyone who sent in materials, and I'll be contacting you soon to find out where (if) I can return the extras. We passed out about 30 packets of material, and collected some donations for the Black Ribbon Project, too. Thanks Miranda, Ryan, and Morgan who helped create the packets!

We sold many t-shirts to raise money to cover our costs, and still have some for sale, too (there's a form on the website). Thanks Tori and Ansley who created the shirt design and got them ordered, too.

The classes--all of the ones I attended or led were lots of fun for me. I went to Jason's Intro to Objectivism course, partly to meet some new people, and partly to spend time with Jason, who is one of my favorite people. Jason's explanation of the basics of the philosophy was clear and accessible. I enjoyed it thoroughly!

Next, Kelly and I led an Introduction to Positive Discipline two-hour workshop. From my perspective, those two hours simply flew by. I called it the Cultivating the Virtues Live Show! I think there were about 15 people in the class. The hands-on activities went smoothly, and there was lots of interesting back-and-forth between us and our participants. I enjoyed this so much, and felt really comfortable up there talking about two of my favorite things: Objectivism and parenting. I think Kelly and I really did a great job demonstrating how well PD lines up with the virtues and Objectivist values.

A bunch of us had lunch at a nearby restaurant. Another customer of the restaurant commented on Jason's AOS shirt, which says "Who is John Galt, y'all?" on the back. Her comment was "John Galt was right!" This, my friends, is activism!!!! And advertising! We were all pretty tickled by that exchange.

After lunch, I led the Blogging Round Table. It was lots of fun, though I probably did way too much talking. There were several people in the group (about 10 of us I think) who didn't yet have a blog and were interested in starting one. So maybe we'll get some more OBloggers out of it!

Next came Kelly's Poetry Appreciation class. She read the poems she chose with passion and it was hard not to get teary at the end of Keats' "When I have Fears that I may cease to be" and Tennyson's "Ulysses" (my all-time favorite).

Finally, I went to my friend Martin's CrossFit class. It was interesting and informative. The second I sat down in the class, though, I got TIRED. I'd been up since 5:45 (too keyed-up to sleep!), and with the excitement of everything, the hectic set-up, trying to make sure I didn't forget everything, making sure the kids and their new babysitters were comfortable with each other....BAM. Others were getting tired, too! So I chose not to do the short CrossFit workout that Martin had planned. I think it might have killed me! :D Certainly the people who did participate seemed to enjoy it, if by "enjoy" you mean "lie panting helplessly on the grass for 20 minutes afterward." I'm hoping to get together with Martin another time and have him show me some stuff.

I heard great things about the other classes on Saturday, and hope some others will write about them, too!


Saturday Night

After we cleaned up the rec center, I came home and checked in with the kids and the babysitters. Sean missed me quite a bit. Poor thing. The kids had a good time with the sitters, though. We all chilled out for a little while, ate a snack, then headed to Stoney's Pub, the home of our friends Michael and Jessica Stone. We hung out and chatted and mostly I just sat and watched people, still being quite tired. Kelly got up and thanked everyone who helped with MiniCon, and welcomed the new folks. There may or may not have been more hugging and jumping up and down. :o) There was certainly a drinking game involving the word "mosque."

Here's a picture of Michael and Ryan (and there are more pictures at my TwitPic page, too):







Fun way to celebrate the 3rd of July!


Sunday Workshops

Okay. We were ALL getting really tired! The Caseys left Stoney's at a reasonable-for-adults, but unreasonable-for-children hour of about 10:30. Everyone else stayed and partied through the night, and I believe there was lots of singing.

Michael and Jessica hosted the Sunday classes, partly because nobody rents out rec centers on the 4th of July, and also because Jessica was leading the Paleo Cooking class and needed a kitchen.

Kelly and I led our second two-hour Positive Discipline workshop. It went over pretty well I think, though it wasn't as smooth as the first workshop for a couple of reasons. First--TIRED. :) Also, we were presenting all new-to-us material, and we'd designed this class to focus on problem-solving skills, so we created the agenda ourselves, and even created a new activity! Still it was fun, and good experience. We ended up having an impromptu Q&A/discussion at the end, and while both Kelly and I thought we'd done too much lecturing overall, I think our participants enjoyed it. Actually, I enjoyed that discussion, too. We touched on a few things not covered in the PD material, specifically, how we use Objectivist principles all the time in our parenting, not just in discipline/problem-solving situations. (We did hand out surveys for both workshops--the ones I've seen have been overwhelming positive and encouraging.)


Sunday BBQ/Pool Party

After we cleaned up at Stoney's, we headed back to my neighborhood for the pool party. Hooray for King and Queen of the BBQ: Martin and Melissa! And hooray for all of the local AOS folks for bringing side dishes! And hooray for Brendan for bringing our grill up to the pavilion!

Sean was taking a nap when I returned home, so he and I missed the first 45 minutes or so. But that's okay, because Shea Levy came and hung out with me while we waited for Seanie. Then the three of us walked down to the pool. We ate a bit, socialized, then swam a bit, and socialized some more. The only real problem with the BBQ was the fact that we have one key to the pool area, and it was a big pain to find it and let people in, or attract the attention of someone on the inside and get them to come open the door. I was nervous that we might lose the key, or someone might swipe it, but we managed to keep track of it.

I think this was my favorite moment of MiniCon. I got in the pool with Sean and just felt so happy. Here we all were, on this gorgeous, somewhat cool (80 degrees) 4th of July afternoon, surrounded by people who loved life. The kids played, the adults played with the kids, people lounged (or napped!) on chairs in the shade and the sun. It was pure bliss.

I LOVE that my kids will know all of these people, even the ones we won't get to see very often.


Sunday Night

Oh boy were we tired! Shea passed out on our couch in the middle of a whole room of people. :o) Lots of people who wanted to go see fireworks decided to go home and rest. But we foolhardy people with young children: us, the LB contingent, and the contingent from Houston, and Shea (a foolhardy person without children!) all forged ahead into the sunset.

Unfortunately, it turned out that the fireworks show in Kennesaw had happened on the 3rd. But Acworth was showing fireworks that night. So we drove up to the "downtown" section of Acworth (yes, that word must be in quotation marks!), and separated and reunited (there were three cars) and finally found parking. We spread out our blankets on the side of a steep hill, which has at its peak, a real-live working railroad track.

Only one train came by--I have never been so close to a moving train in all my life! As it came down, we and the hundreds of other people who had the same idea scattered, and when it left, we all went and sat back down near (or on) the tracks. Ryan hunted for coal (real coal? I have no idea) on the tracks and played with his new friend from Houston, R. Morgan and Sean practiced going up and down the hill, and both had more balance than I, for all my free-range-y-ness, gave either of them credit for. (Lesson learned!) LB, D. from Houston, D's mom and I chatted about homeschooling, while the menfolk talked about ... well I have no idea.

It was a little difficult to actually see some of the fireworks, but we managed to ooh and ahh with the best of them. Sean got the Most Enthusiastic Fireworks Watcher Award, as he clapped his chubby little hands and said "Yay Fireworks!" (or 'yay fah-wah-wooks') each time. SO CUTE. Shea held him a lot, and he and LB's youngest had a debate over who was going to get to bring him home.

Then we said our goodbyes to the Houston people (so nice meeting all of you!!!), and it felt as if MiniCon was over. Bittersweet. LB et. al. had an adventure taking Shea back to Kelly's, then returned here and we all sat up for an hour talking. I believe I had more than my share of Sauvignon Blanc. :) I remember discussing Firefly and Elvis Costello and laughing a lot.

When I woke up yesterday, our house guests had departed (they made it all the way home to Boston in a day!). I felt tired, but proud and happy. We had lunch with Shea and Kelly and Aaron, and said goodbye to Shea. Then we came home, watched a couple of movies, and lounged around.

Pride and Joy. Two things anyone ought to feel after working so hard to bring a labor of love to life. Pride and Joy. It was amazing. Thanks to everyone!

It was 5 Years Ago Today . . .

Happy Blogiversary to me!

How has blogging changed my life for the better? Let me count the ways . . .

• My writing has improved. 

• Being able to articulate ideas (my own original ones and the ideas of others) in writing has helped me dump bad ideas, solidify good ideas, and create new ideas. 

• Having those ideas explicit and ready in my mind helps me live a better, happier life overall. I can work through bad things in a better way, and enjoy great things even more!

• I understand myself better, and that's a good thing. Highly recommend that.

• Getting all that practice in articulating ideas--especially Objectivism and Positive Discipline--has opened up so many career possibilities for the future.

• I have connected with so many other people who share my ideas about different topics--philosophy, homeschooling, Positive Discipline, parenting, food allergies, politics, and even sense of humor. I LIKE THIS. 

• I feel like I have created my own little network of people who add value to my life. I can turn to them with a question about a food allergy, or a musing about a homeschooling challenge, or a particular philosophical issue. We can connect here (or on Twitter or email, etc.) and discuss real ideas and make our lives BETTER.

• And sometimes, I can connect with those folks IN REAL LIFE, too. I have learned that I'm much more social than I'd ever given myself credit for. I'm still an introvert, yes, but I want friends and experiences with people who add value to my life. And I find myself in the center of events (certainly this past weekend!) where I'm able to do just that--spend time with great people who share my values.

All because my sister suggested I start a blog. Thanks, sis!


And also because people started reading it and commenting--so thanks to you, too!

And because of my hard work. So thanks, me!

PS: I will write about MiniCon very soon--it was a huge success, no matter how you look at it. So many people told Kelly and me that they enjoyed it. The PD classes went well, and I discovered something: I enjoyed teaching them! (I wasn't sure how I'd feel about that.) The social events were fun. The kids had fun. The fireworks were fun and train-filled. Our house guests were fun. So, generally, "fun" seemed to be the consensus. Thanks to everyone who worked hard to pull this off, and to everyone who came!

Objectivist Round Up #155

Welcome to the July 1, 2010 edition of the Objectivist Round Up!

Many of our readers are preparing for OCON and of course here in Atlanta, we are getting geared up for MiniCon. It's wonderful to spend Independence Day Weekend with others who cherish freedom as much as I do.

A particularly poignant quotation from Ayn Rand is what I offer for this week's round up, poignant because never in all my life have I felt as threatened by what's happened in our country--especially the last few years--as I do these days (via The Ayn Rand Lexicon):

A dictatorship cannot take hold in America today. This country, as yet, cannot be ruled—but it can explode. It can blow up into the helpless rage and blind violence of a civil war. It cannot be cowed into submission, passivity, malevolence, resignation. It cannot be “pushed around.” Defiance, not obedience, is the American’s answer to overbearing authority. The nation that ran an underground railroad to help human beings escape from slavery, or began drinking on principle in the face of Prohibition, will not say “Yes, sir,” to the enforcers of ration coupons and cereal prices. Not yet.

“Don’t Let It Go,” Philosophy: Who Needs It, 213.

I honestly don't know whether this statement, made about 40 years ago, is true today. And that saddens me.

Remember that "Defiance, not obedience, is the American’s answer to overbearing authority." Or was. Or certainly should be. ESPECIALLY when the overbearing authority is our government itself.

Don't let it go. Remember what our Founders did, and what the men and women who fought for freedom from overbearing authority did. DON'T LET IT GO.

Have a wonderful Independence Day weekend! I hope you spend it with friends and family, and get all choked up at the fireworks like I usually do. :o)



Benjamin Skipper presents Bowser, The (Mixed) King of Koopas posted at Musing Aloud, saying, "After noticing a dietary contradiction in the video game Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story, I further realized there are contradictions in the characters' moral presentation. Simply, Bowser isn't as evil as he's portrayed, and Mario isn't as moral."



Edward Cline presents The Censors’ Cabal posted at The Rule of Reason, saying, "A shortened version of this article was published on Big Journalism. It notes the latest assaults on the First Amendment by the FCC and FTC, a special target being the Internet."



Rachel Miner presents Successful First Day: Mommy School posted at The Playful Spirit, saying, "Following up on plans for summer programing, I share the program I settled on and the results from the first day."



Andy Clarkson presents Glenn Beck Gives Birth To An Ant posted at The Charlotte Capitalist, saying, "Mystic Glenn Beck attempts to get deep with "Atlas Shrugged" but meets expectations by failing and sticking with his conservative, concrete-bound ways."



C.W. presents Deflation posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "There is a great clamour about the fear of deflation. We hear of it from liberals and conservatives alike. Otherwise intelligent financial analysts are talking it up. But it is a fake issue."



Ari Armstrong presents Americans Look to Big Ideas of Liberty: Resurgence of Ayn Rand posted at Free Colorado, saying, "A look at the resurgence of Atlas Shrugged and controversies surrounding it."



Sarah presents Bright Star (movie review) posted at Art, Love, & Philosophy, saying, "Review of Bright Star, an intensely romantic and tragic film about the 19th century English poet, John Keats, and his love, Fanny Brawne."



Zip presents The Face of Anarchy posted at UNCOMMON SENSE, saying, "The Anarchist will tell you that it is the state or capitalism or the world bank, or some conspiracy of rich and powerful that is responsible for the woes of modern society. They will tell you that if we were all just free to act as individuals without the confines of state or multinational corporations with their laws and force, money and power we would all be better off.

Right."



Rational Jenn presents Checking Premises, Part 2 posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "The second of a series of posts about how I have been reevaluating my premises about eating and health. I've lost 30 pounds so far this year! :o)"



Sandi Trixx presents NYT Gets Economic Insight from Four Boneheaded Economists posted at Sandi Trixx, saying, "Did you expect anything less than an adoration of government spending from a New York Times editorial?"



Shea presents Introspection as a Cognitive Tool posted at Shea's Blog, saying, "A post on the primary purpose of introspection. It's been updated since it was posted, so check it out even if you've read it!"



Mike Zemack presents Forgetting American Ideals: Mathews Defends Legalized Brute Force posted at Principled Perspectives, saying, "MSNBC's Chris Matthews sees a fundamental difference between today's Tea Party Movement and the original one, forgetting what the original one was all about. He fears "violence" from today's version, even as he ignores the growing tyranny in Washington."



Paul Hsieh presents Observations on the NYC Mosque Debate posted at NoodleFood, saying, "The reason so many Objectivists are at loggerheads on this issue is because it is a lose-lose question."



Diana Hsieh presents Take A Deep Breath posted at NoodleFood, saying, "Given the contentious debate over the NYC mosque over the last few weeks, I hope that Objectivists will take a step back and a deep breath before heading to OCON."



Jared Rhoads presents Twead #1: Michael Graham posted at The Lucidicus Project, saying, "Last week on Twitter, we posted highlights from Michael Graham's new book, "That's No Angry Mob, That's My Mom" (Regnery Press, 2010; 259 pp). Here's the recap."



David C Lewis, RFC presents Being Cheap Is Not A Plan For Success...It's Not A Plan At All!: Life insurance | Precious Metals | Retirement Plans | Financial Planning | Investing | Saving Money posted at A Revolution In Financial Planning.



Martin Lindeskog presents NYC MOSQUE AND PROPERTY RIGHTS | EGO posted at EGO.



Andy Clarkson presents The Devastating Symbolic Attack On America posted at The Charlotte Capitalist, saying, "911 was a physical attack on those buildings and great cities -- but more importantly it was a symbolic attack on the values of reason, purpose, self-interest, and rights. The symbolic attack was more devastating long-term."



Kelly Elmore presents What Livy and I Have Been Reading posted at Reepicheep's Coracle, saying, "This post contains a host of informal reviews of children's books Livy and I have read lately, including math, history, science, and fiction."



Trey Givens presents Pretty Things for Gay Month posted at Trey Givens, saying, "June was gay month. Did you get enough gay to last you until next year? Well, if not come on over to my bloggity-blog and check out some pictures of hotties. It's supergay. (Note: Studies attempting to show that you can catch the gay from my site are inconclusive. I accept no liability for those who catch the gay from looking at my site. Actual gay nutritional value may vary from person to person.) Just soak it up!"



Paul Hsieh presents Reply To Amy Peikoff on NYC Mosque posted at NoodleFood, saying, "The NYC mosque debate became much more constructive after Amy Peikoff replied to something I and others wrote. This is my reply to her excellent post."



In other news, I've created a homepage for the carnival on my blog. Currently it contains the basic information about the carnival, a somewhat expanded version of what is found on our page over at Blog Carnival. I will be adding hosting instructions to this page at some point in the near future. I would love some feedback about the information--if you've participated or hosted, please review what I've written for clarity and content. I'd really appreciate that.



That concludes this week's edition. Next week's host is Sandi Trixx. Submit your blog article to the next edition of the Objectivist Round Up using our carnival submission form.

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

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