Parenting Challenge of the Moment

This is one of those challenges for which I don't think there's any actual solution apart from the passage of time. But I'll share it because it's on my mind, and if you have some advice, I'm all ears!

Miss Morgan is six, and is experiencing growing pains. Not the physical kind, though she is more prone than the others to aches and pains in her knees. And she does have several loose teeth going at the moment.

No, she has mental growing pains, poor thing. A common refrain from her lately is "Mom, I used to like this game, but it's just not that interesting to me any more!" And then she cries about it because it makes her sad.

She's no longer interested in some of the preschool learning websites that are all the rage with Sean these days (StarFall, PBS Kids, etc.). The books she used to enjoy aren't enjoyable. The games she used to play aren't as interesting.

And she's so SAD about this.

I hug her and explain that she is growing up, maturing, and that her interests are growing up, too. And she does have new interests. She likes some of the websites for older kids. She was reading one of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books to herself yesterday. She is more into regular card games than Candyland.

Poor thing. I wonder if this transition is made more difficult by the fact that I'm having a hard time finding books and websites that are interesting to her that are also a good match for her reading level. Or maybe it's because she and Sean have been playing so much together lately, and she WANTS to play with him, but isn't super interested in the ways in which he wants to play. She goes along for a while, but then gets bored and sad. Maybe she's looking for a way to connect with him?

Or maybe it would be difficult no matter what. Growing up is hard to do!

Fitness Progress

Looking back over my workout logs of the last month or two, I noticed that I've made awesomely great progress recently. I'm going to list my current PRs (personal records) and maybe in a few months, I'll revisit these and see if I've made even MORE progress. (Bear with me, some of this repeats things I've written in other posts, but I feel a compulsive need to get it all down in one post.)

• Power clean : 100 pounds (6/5/2011)

• Bench press : 85 pounds (6/11/2011)

• Deadlift : 185 pounds  (7/5/2011)

• Push press : 110 pounds (7/20/2011)

• Front squat : 120 pounds (7/25/2011)

All are my 1 rep maximums, except for the front squat and bench press, both of which were 3 reps! And I barely got the push press--that one was a TRUE one rep max.

Hmmm. . . back squats are missing. I haven't done back squats in a good long while to try to reach any kind of max. The last time I did them was in March, and the weight was 120 pounds. Given that you can generally lift more in a back squat than in a front squat, I'm guessing my back squat is currently a little higher.

Other notable, semi-recent stats:

I almost broke a 10 minute mile back in May. This is a big accomplishment for the likes of me, as I hate running and am very slow at it. I remember struggling to meet this goal back in high school, and it seems funny to me that I might actually finally meet it--when I'm 40!

I also finally rowed 500 meters in under 2 minutes, for the first time back in May, and then consistently since then (not that we row much in the summer it seems like). Next rowing goal: 1000m in under 4 minutes! Yeah, we'll see about that.

I completed Fran recently at the prescribed weight of 65 pound thrusters. And survived. Survival is always a plus.

I am able to do several kipping pull ups using the second-thinnest band on my pull up bar here at home. Only one more band to go, and then--unassisted pull ups, here I come!

Gymnastics progress! I already wrote all about how I can do kickass cartwheels. Well, I got independent verification of that from Kelly, who, in addition to all of her other many talents, is a gymnastics coach (for adults and kids). Vertical, baby. Probably I need to point my toes more and finish it off the way you're supposed to in competitive gymnastics, but still. VERT. I. CAL.

And Kelly helped me work up the nerve to do handstands! Out in the middle of a baseball field at a local park, not even up against a wall or anything! She spotted me on the first couple, and that was pretty much all I needed. I held the longest one for 4 or 5 seconds, I think. It's so amazing to me that my body remembers how to do this, from all those years ago. I was in gymnastics for lots of years, so I have MANY handstands and cartwheels in my brain, I guess! Still, I'm fascinated by the fact that my body remembers what to do--I can't describe it. It was just like riding a bike. Yeah, that's it! Next up: improve my form when doing a bridge, so I can work up to back bends.

One year ago, I wasn't doing ANY kind of regular physical activity. I basically started CrossFit cold. From scratch. (I started at the end of September 2010.)

Now look at all of the stuff I can do! Not bad for a 40 year old kid like me. And the best part--I'm getting better all the time! :D

Enjoy Life Foods Video Taste Test!

Recently, we were once again the happy recipients of free cookies from Enjoy Life Foods. Oh happy day!

This time, for our taste test, we decided to make a video. Two videos, actually. Here's the first one:






And here's the second one:






We tasted four kinds of their new cookies, the crunchy Chocolate Chip, crunchy Double Chocolate, crunchy Sugar Crisp, and crunchy Vanilla Honey Graham. Why did I video the tests? Well, because I thought it would be an interesting thing to do, and who doesn't want to watch my adorable kids stuff their faces with cookies in front of my kitchen sink with dirty dishes? :D

Brendan and I tasted them, too (Again, it's for science! And capitalism! And fun!). I liked them all--Double Chocolate was my favorite (which should be no surprise to anyone). Brendan thought the Vanilla Honey Graham cookies tasted like Nilla Wafters, only better. They are VERY crunchy cookies. Personally, I prefer the soft kind of cookies (because they taste sort of like cake to me), but I certainly wouldn't turn up my nose at any of these cookies should I be offered some. :D

All of these cookies are gluten-free, and free of the Top 8 allergens--peanuts, tree nuts, egg, dairy, wheat, soy, fish and shellfish. (Thank goodness for the last two--can you imagine ANY cookies NOT free of fish or shellfish?)

Here's the thing about Enjoy Life cookies--we don't eat store-bought cookies very often. It's a very occasional special treat for us. But when we do, we get Enjoy Life! In fact, I'll be bringing some to a birthday party we're going to this weekend as an alternative to birthday cake, because I'm not sure if the cake will be safe for Ryan to eat. As much as he likes cake, he is THRILLED that we'll be picking up some Enjoy Life cookies to bring. And the best part is that there will be others at the party with different food allergies, so it makes it very easy to share. No worries for anyone.

As always, this post is my honest opinion--and hey, you saw the video evidence of how quickly those kids shoveled those cookies in their mouths! If you know my kids, you'll know that they'd tell us if they didn't like those cookies (in particular, Sean is still at that stage where he just instantly ejects anything he doesn't like the taste of right out of his mouth).

But don't take OUR word for it. Why not do your own taste test? Remember: it's for science! And capitalism! And fun! :D

Oh, and here are links to my previous Enjoy Life Foods product reviews. First one. Then the other.

Time Travel Tuesday: Mythbusting: Ayn Rand, Mommies, and Children

As an Objectivist who chose to become a parent, I have fielded many questions (addressed directly to me, and in indirect ways, too) about the seeming contradiction between a philosophy that holds rational self-interest as moral and the (supposed) sacrifice involved in being a parent.

Parenting is one of the most selfish endeavors I've ever undertaken and I am a better person in part because of my mommyhood.

One of the main questions I get asked is something along the lines of "Didn't Ayn Rand hate children? She never put any in her novels!"

Here is where I usually point out that I don't recall too many children in Moby-Dick either. There was one in The Great Gatsby, who was trotted out for show now and then. A Room with a View, one of my other favorite novels ever, doesn't feature children though there is a pre-teen child in it for about three seconds.

But nobody ever goes around saying Herman Melville or F. Scott Fitzgerald or E.M. Forster hated children, even though, as far as I can recall on this Tuesday morning after only one cup of coffee and many decades removed from my degree in English literature, none of them ever wrote too many novels that featured children in a significant way. Well, I guess Billy Budd might count, but I think he was in his teens.

I digress. My point, to sum up, is "failure of an author to feature or include lots of children in novels does not translate into author hates children." Just sayin'.

The other related point is that she never had children herself. To which I'll say, LOTS of people never have children and yet don't hate children. Katharine Hepburn never had children and seemed to like them just fine. Dolly Parton doesn't have kids of her own, but is a caring aunt. I'd keep going but it's not necessary.

Usually though, to dispel this myth, I prefer to let Rand speak for herself, using evidence from her novels or answers she gave in interviews. And that's what my post, "Mythbusting: Ayn Rand, Mommies and Children" is all about. After exploring some (then recent) myths in the press about how Ayn Rand hated families and viewed family life as a "soul-killing prison," I quoted Rand herself. My two favorite quotations are below, but you should read the whole thing!

I will ask you to project the look on a child’s face when he grasps the answer to some problem he has been striving to understand. It is a radiant look of joy, of liberation, almost of triumph, which is unself-conscious, yet self-assertive, and its radiance seems to spread in two directions: outward, as an illumination of the world—inward, as the first spark of what is to become the fire of an earned pride. If you have seen this look, or experienced it, you know that if there is such a concept as “sacred”—meaning: the best, the highest possible to man—this look is the sacred, the not-to-be-betrayed, the not-to-be-sacrificed for anything or anyone. 

Via the online Ayn Rand Lexicon 

Clearly, the words of someone who saw no value or joy in children. Not.

The recaptured sense of her [Dagny's] own childhood kept coming back to her whenever she met the two sons of the young woman who owned the bakery shop. . . . They did not have the look she had seen in the children of the outer world--a look of fear, half- secretive, half-sneering, the look of a child's defense against an adult, the look of a being in the process of discovering that he is hearing lies and of learning to feel hatred. The two boys had the open, joyous, friendly confidence of kittens who do not expect to get hurt, they had an innocently natural, non-boastful sense of their own value and as innocent a trust in any stranger's ability to recognize it, they had the eager curiosity that would venture anywhere with the certainty that life held nothing unworthy of or closed to discovery, and they looked as if, should they encounter malevolence, they would reject it contemptuously, not as dangerous, but as stupid, they would not accept it in bruised resignation as the law of existence. 

p. 730 (Paperback 35th Anniversary edition of Atlas Shrugged, my emphasis)

So anyway, next time you hear something about how Ayn Rand must have despised children or family life or those who choose to have families, please point them to my blog! Thanks.

CtV Podcast #16: Our Favorite Books for Kids

Hey there! We're back and recording lots of podcasts this summer, woohoo!

Astute listeners will have noticed that we've skipped ahead a bit in our numbering. We have not published podcasts 14 and 15 yet due to some technical issues, but we put them up as soon as we can. Rather than put everything on hold to get those other podcasts up, we decided to forge on ahead and get some new podcasts out there. We trust you won't mind TOO much if the publication goes out of order.

The line up this time:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Dealing with a fear that you and your child share, and getting back on the horse!

• Topic (begins 5:50): Our favorite books for kids 

• Q & A (begins 30:43): What were some of the factors in our decision to homeschool our children?

Thanks for listening! We'd love your feedback at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com, and more questions for our Q & A at the Google Moderator page we've set up.

You can listen here, or go to our Podbean website (or iTunes).

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Links to the books are on the Cultivating the Virtues site.

On Minilectures

Here's another post inspired by my (very slow) re-reading of Barbara Coloroso's book Kids are Worth It! Giving your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline. One of the ideas that has stayed with me from my very first reading of this book is her idea of a minilecture.

Here's an example of a minilecture. Kid goes outside wearing a sweater. In May. In Georgia. In 80 degree heat.* He's, you know, sweating.

So I might say "You know, you wouldn't be sweating if you were wearing a regular shirt instead of a sweater." That's a minilecture.

A minilecture gives kids information that they already have. So if I said the same exact thing to my 3 year old, it might not be a minilecture. He might not have made the connection between sweating and what he's wearing (though he generally still lets me pick out his clothes, so it hasn't been a problem for us yet). He might need to hear this out loud in order for him to make the logical connection here.

But my 9 year old--he knows. He knows because he's an intelligent person with lots (LOTS) of experience with this. He doesn't need me to state the obvious.

Minilectures are one part a statement of the obvious, and one part "I told you so." Minilectures serve to put the kid on the defensive, perhaps make them feel as if their intelligence has been insulted, and to set you up for another pointless parenting battle.

Barbara Coloroso offers some, in her words, "classics" from the world of minilectures:

"If you hadn't hit your brother, you wouldn't be in your room."
"If you hadn't eaten all of the sweets, you wouldn't be sick."
"If you had done it the way I told you to, you wouldn't be in this mess."
"If you had studied, you wouldn't have failed."

--from page 95 of Kids are Worth It!

Okay, how many of us have done this? Show of hands . . .

ME!

You, too?

So what's a parent to do? As I pointed out, sometimes the kid really does need assistance in making the connection between cause and effect.

I think a good alternative is to make an observational statement about the effect, as Coloroso suggests. If you can keep the "I told you so" or sarcasm out of your statement, that's better for everyone.

So:

"You are sweating."
"You're feeling sick to your stomach."
"Things are really messed up and crazy right now."

If you can make such statements as neutrally as possible (again, not to invite defensiveness or unwanted battles), then they can often spur the child's thinking about solutions to his problem. It sends an implicit message to the kid that he is capable of figuring out a way to solve his problem, and it lets him know that you are there as a resource if he needs help solving his problem.

Know this, too--and I'm writing this mainly as a reminder to myself here--sometimes, it's not necessary to comment at all. Keep your mouth shut, Jenn, and let the kid figure it out all by himself already. Inserting myself in between a kid and her problems is a tendency that I have, and I don't think it's always a good thing.

To take a real-life example of a time when I could easily have used a minilecture and did not (for once), remember the time Ryan and his friend smashed a car window with a rock? I could have minilectured him: "If you hadn't been throwing rocks around with your friend, that window wouldn't have been broken."

Of course, they already knew that. They also knew that they had a problem. When Ryan came and told me what happened, I listened to him and offered him a solution to their problem (talking to the neighbor).

When I'm at my best, I parent without minilectures (in words or tone). And I'm always proud of myself when I can manage it because then we're all focused on solutions instead of battling over the obvious.



*I used this scenario--May in 80 degree heat--because in that situation, wearing a sweater wouldn't necessarily be a health risk. Yes, he has been wearing sweaters in July in 98 degree heat, which I think poses a health risk. Because of the risk to his health (unless we're just going to and from the house and the car and the store and back, all in air-conditioning), I insist that he change to something more weather-appropriate. That's the Life, Limb and Property parenting principle which I use to determine if a limit needs to be set.

Lemonade for Freedom Day: August 20

Through my bloggy friend Judy, I learned that Saturday, August 20 will be Lemonade for Freedom Day!

Judy writes (emphasis in original):

When one lives in a "Nanny State", one must continually ask for permission to do things.

. . .

In America there is no longer the freedom to grow or bake food, or make something to drink, and sell it to our neighbors! and this kind of government control is taking hold in many communities.

The sad reality is that if you want to do almost anything you must get the permission of the government to do it first. And usually you have to pay a fee for that permission.

You can't open a business, drive a car, get married, have a pet or livestock, fix your porch, go fishing, or do a ton of other things without government permission. The rules and regulations set upon us by government entities is relentless.

I say - as a protest and a lesson to our children in civil disobedience - we should choose a Saturday - Like August 20 - and call it Lemonade for Freedom Day - and every child in America should have a lemonade stand!

Every liberty loving adult should stop at these lemonade stands and support Freedom!

Let's DO IT!

It's up to all of us to take this thing viral!

I couldn't agree more. There's even a website set up, dedicated to the cause. It says, correctly, that selling lemonade is not a crime. To which I'd add: it's not a privilege for which permission must be begged from government bureaucrats either.

Coincidentally (in the Great Minds Think Alike vein), Earl wrote a piece yesterday called "Forget the Tea Party, I Want to Start a Lemonade Party," and does a really nice job of illustrating just what is under attack when the lemonade stands are being shut down by bureaucrats.

Earl writes:

To be more specific, the lemonade stand issue represents the American dream under a 3-pronged attack by statists at all levels of government 

. . . .

I think that today, the most critically abused aspects of Individual Rights are these three [the ongoing erosion of property rights, denial of the right to contract, and the attack on individuals' right to earn a living]. The War on Lemonade Stands is a horrific encapsulation of what goes on every day, at all scales, when government oversteps its proper role of protecting our rights, and instead becomes the violator of our rights

The entire post is very much worth reading.

Well, the Casey family is IN for this. We're already figuring out what we want to sell at our lemonade stand, and tomorrow, I plan to get with the older kids and start some strategic and tactical planning.

Think of all the cool stuff we'll get to do! We'll get to develop and execute a business plan, track our costs and sales, count money, create signage, figure out a promotion plan, and hopefully, make a profit. (And yes, I count this as homeschool!)

Even more importantly: we'll get to take a lemonade stand with likeminded people from around the country to protest this assault on our rights. We'll learn about civil disobedience (that is, if this is actually illegal in my town--I have no idea) and what it means to do the right thing, even if it's hard. Or against the law. Or if people don't like it. (And yes, I count this as homeschool, too!)

As I wrote in one of my Halloween rants last fall:

However, I think fighting petty tyrannies is worthwhile sometimes. The main reason--it gives you lots and lots of practice for fighting more insidious tyrannies. And it demonstrates to others (in this case, my "Oh well. What are you gonna do?" neighbors) that you don't need to lie down and take it.

Lemonade for Freedom Day is a perfect opportunity to fight petty tyrannies and hone our skills for fighting the ginormous ones, too. 


WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?!?

Learning about the Virtues. Every Single Day.

I never know when I'll find myself in a conversation with one or more of the kids about a virtue or other philosophical idea. Here's a recent story.

Morgan wanted to play a board game and was reading the back of the box. She said, "Hey! This box says 'WARNING: Contains small parts. Not for children under 3.' Well that's good for US, because there's nobody under 3 in our house anymore!" 

Which, SIGH, is true. Why are they all growing up so fast?!?!?! weep weep

Okay, the My Babies Are All Growns Up Pity Party is over. (For now.)

That statement by Morgan became a jumping off point for a short discussion about independence. It was super awesome.

Independence is the recognition of the fact that yours is the responsibility of judgment and nothing can help you escape it—that no substitute can do your thinking, as no pinch-hitter can live your life . . . .

--Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged (Galt's Speech), via the online Ayn Rand Lexicon

I can't remember if Brendan or I said it first, but one of us said something about how just because it's written down on a box doesn't mean we shouldn't think about it and make up our own minds.

We talked about how the peopleguys who designed the game put "Not for children under 3" as a guideline for parents (and to protect themselves, too). But guidelines are not rules or laws. We can make up our own minds based on our own situation about whether it would have been safe to play this game with Sean a month ago, before he'd turned 3.

We asked questions like "Does Sean put little things into his mouth anymore?" and "Looking at the pieces in this box, do you think Sean might want to eat them?" "Do you think he would have tried to eat them last spring? Or last winter?" 

We talked about babies we know. "Would Baby. C. want to eat them? Do you think we should keep this away from her if she came to our house?"

After talking through this thinking process together, we all agreed that Sean would probably have been fine with these pieces for quite a while now.

We also made sure to tell them that it's fine to read guidelines and even to follow them, but only after thinking about them for yourself, asking questions about whether it's important or relevant to you, and making up your own mind. And if you decide not to follow them, that's fine, too.

It was a pretty short and sweet conversation, but the older two kids understood what we were getting at.

I just LOVE these opportunities for a quick discussion or demonstration of some aspect of virtuous living. And they happen every day, sometimes more than once a day.

If you have any similar short and sweet virtue stories, I'd love to hear about them!

The Busy

I know, I know! I still need to write up an OCON post, and I have a list of blog topics a mile long. But they will have to wait because I have a powerful need to make up a list of things I've been doing or have accomplished lately.

Because one day when I'm really really old, I will pull up this olde blogge and relive the memories.

So . . . just what is it I've been doing with my time lately (because it clearly hasn't been blogging)?

• The kids and I have resumed our regularly scheduled summer, which has included a couple of trips to the pool, a couple of trips to the playground, hanging out with friends, lazing around with computer games or books or movies, and, of course, arguing. It's been so lovely.

• We had an utterly disastrous trip to Monkey Joe's last week, deserving of a blog post in itself, if I can locate a sense of humor about it before I've blocked all of the hideous details from my brain. Kelly was there to enjoy the show, so probably she can help me dredge up those repressed memories. A preview: all three kids managed to burst into tears. Multiple times. Each. We were there two hours.

• Kelly and I recorded three podcasts last night and we'll be releasing them soon! It was fun and we hope to record a bunch more this summer.

• ATLOS  has two new Optional Value Groups: an Ender's Game reading group and a hiking club! I'm super excited about both groups.

• I finished another dishcloth, which sounds boring, but actually I really like the ones I've made--they're very durable. And now I think I'm ready for circular needles and I'm going to try for a hat next (at the suggestion of one of my knitting friends). I really really really love knitting, even though I don't get to do it every day. I love it for many of the same reasons I love CrossFit, and I'm planning a post about that soon.

• Speaking of CrossFit, I'm seeing all kinds of progress lately, yay! In addition to my new dead lift PR (185 pounds, yeah!), achieved at OCON with LB, I managed to do complete Fran with 65 pound thrusters (the prescribed weight for women I think, though I'm still on assisted pull ups) last week. And I have been improving in other areas, too. Overall, I feel AWESOME about how I'm doing (though the injury from that little box jump accident the other week is still not healed). I'm going four times a week now, and that's probably frequent enough for me.

• I'm thinking of finding another 5K to do in September or October to see if my time improves. The other day I ran an 800m at CrossFit, slowly, I thought, because it was raining out and I had to pick my way around some puddles and mud (I was unsure how my VFFs would do in a slippery situation). Turns out that slow run (just barely) beat my previous time for an 800 so I'm getting faster. Someone asked me if I was interested in training for a half-marathon or anything like that. I'm really not. I really hate running for the most part, and one of the reasons I like CrossFit so much is that it's very broad and generalized, which I think is better for me. Still, I'm enamored with the idea that I can actually run 5K and you know how I love to measure my progress, so the occasional 5K (with only CrossFit as my training) is fun to do.

• Cartwheels! I took the kids to the playground in our neighborhood the other night and finally got up the nerve to try a few cartwheels. For those who don't know, I did gymnastics for lots of years as a kid, and got pretty good. Anyway, I've been wondering about cartwheels again now that I'm all badass and strong from CrossFit. So I knocked out a couple dozen the other night! They weren't all perfect, but I'm pretty sure I got nice and vertical on many of them. It was FUN. I relived my childhood a bit there. Fun fun fun, and now I have some more gymnastics-related goals: back bends, handstands (which is a CrossFit thing too), and Kelly thinks I could get a back walk-over even. I'll try at least. Can you imagine if I can pull it off? I'll be such a hit at parties! :D :D :D

• We haven't seen the new Harry Potter movie yet, but I have a sitter lined up so we can go see it next week. I'm SO excited to see it, but I have that sad end-of-an-era feeling. I saw the first movie when I was pregnant with Ryan!

• Star Trek: The Next Generation is now available on Netflix streaming and we started watching it! Fun. Good memories from college, though Ryan is too young to appreciate the drinking game we used to play. 

So those are the main things I've got going on. There's more more more, because I am only short on time, not projects or ideas. Well, I'm short, too, but that's a different kind of short.

It's so wonderful to have such fun, happy, productive work to do! How boring my life would be without it. And now I'd better go do some of it!

On Independence and Letting Go of Second-Handedness

I had an interesting thought yesterday that I just have to get out there, because I'm afraid I'll forget about it and won't think on it any more.

Does that ever happen to you? And if so, I hope you have a blog because I find blogs handy-dandy ways of keeping up with those interesting thoughts. Leave me a link to your blog in the comments, please!

ANYWAY. On to my point...

I was putting gas into the minivan yesterday afternoon, and while the gas was pumping, I cleaned the trash out of the car, which is my usual routine. However, we've had an unusual couple of days in that we've been on the road quite a bit because Brendan's car broke down at his office and we'd been taking him to and from work. [Insert financial- and logistical-related SIGH here.] And we've been eating fast food in the car WAY more than usual (and by that I mean we did it two times, two days in a row).

And as I was pulling what seemed to be an infinite number of fast food bags out of my car (think of a magician and the never-ending rainbow colored scarf) and putting them into the trash can next to the pump, I happened to catch the eye of the lady in the car behind me. And she (or so it appeared) looked rather horrified.

I could imagine her thoughts: "I can't believe this mother feeds her kids all of that crap!" and "I bet her kids have never even touched a real vegetable!" and "How sad for her children that they don't get proper nutrition."

Now I know this is not true--my kids eat plenty of real healthy food and have diverse palates. I know that these fast food bags were evidence of outliers and would not fall on the trend line. But I can also see how this lady might have a completely different impression of my nutritional standards and parenting based solely on watching me clean out my car.

And here's the thing--the fact that this stranger may have been thinking wrong things about me bothered me NOT. AT. ALL. In fact, I'd fully support her conclusions about me and my parenting given the information she had.

Not being bothered by this--this is a really big departure for me, a sign that I have been able to let go of some of my tendencies toward second-handedness. What is a second-hander? (Emphasis added)

A [second-hander] is one who regards the consciousness of other men as superior to his own and to the facts of reality. It is to a [second-hander] that the moral appraisal of himself by others is a primary concern which supersedes truth, facts, reason, logic. The disapproval of others is so shatteringly terrifying to him that nothing can withstand its impact within his consciousness; thus he would deny the evidence of his own eyes and invalidate his own consciousness for the sake of any stray charlatan’s moral sanction. It is only a [second-hander] who could conceive of such absurdity as hoping to win an intellectual argument by hinting: “But people won’t like you!”

Ayn Rand, "The Argument from Intimidation"from The Virtue of Selfishness (via the online Ayn Rand Lexicon)

Yes, there was a time when it would have really bothered me that some complete stranger might have a wrong idea about my character.

But what about when the other person in question isn't a complete stranger, but someone you know a little bit (at least by reputation) and maybe even have some respect for? I've had that experience recently, too, in connection with some of the work I (and others) have done with ATLOS. Actually, there were several recent experiences with semi-strangers, including a rapid and noticeable drop in the number of Facebook friends I had.

I'll admit--I was irked at first, but really, I could see how some of the conclusions that were drawn were drawn. And in one case, I took the time to provide a little more context to one of the people and that turned out to be a positive thing. But it might not have made a bit of difference . . . and that's okay.

With my closest friends and family, it does matter more to me what they think about me. But the good thing about those people is that they WANT me not to be second-handed and would think less of my character if I was like that all the time. So while I think it could be easier to be second-handed with the people closest to you, the kinds of people I'm close to wouldn't stand for it, and would want to help me not be that anyway. (I haven't thought all of this quite through yet, so consider this paragraph a preliminary pass only.)

I am at a point in my . . . I don't know what to call it . . . psychological development maybe? or philosophical development? . . . anyway, I'm at a point now where I am light-years more independent in the virtuous sense than I ever was (and it only took 40 years, ba dum bum!).

People can think what they like about me. People can even think very, very wrong things about me. They can think those things . . . and I will continue to do what I think is right according to my own best judgment of the facts I have before me. It is the only thing I can and should be doing.

And if I make a mistake, well then, hey, that happens. I'll fix it, learn from it, and move on and try to do better. I'm like Anne Shirley in that I rarely make the same mistake twice, and I'm far enough in recovery from paralyzing perfectionism that I am able to view my mistakes as opportunities to improve instead of, well, a sign of the apocalypse.

Mistakes and what other people think of me (even of the Wrong on the Internet variety) are now of less importance to me than what I think and what I do and how I do it. I'm feeling a million times more integrated on this than I ever have in my whole life. Go me!

I judge and I am prepared to be judged. And I am prepared to have others make judgments about me that are not 100% correct because they lack knowledge of my full context. I'm prepared to have people disagree with me, too. It's all fine. Certainly I've drawn some incorrect conclusions about others from time to time and I do hope that my thinking something about them hasn't stopped them from pursuing their values.

I know that the people who care about me most will demand more context if they see me acting crazy, because they will recognize something is off. I hope that people who know me a little bit will at least think "Hey, that doesn't seem right" and in some cases, ask for more information. And I hope that complete strangers like the lady at the gas station yesterday will just think "Oh that terrible mother who feeds her kids tons of McDonald's!" and then forget all about me and move on with pursuing their own lives.

This is a Very Good Thing. :D

Time Travel Tuesday: Because I Said So

One of the tools that is NOT in my parenting toolbox is the old standby "Because I said so!"

I'd love to say that it's never crossed my lips, but it has. I do quickly correct myself. And now my children, who are used to and expect reasons for the things I am asking them to do, wouldn't let it go by even if I didn't correct myself.

No, it doesn't slip out often, hardly ever these days. More frequent is this: "I need you to do this right now and I'll tell you why in a minute." Which is useful in parking lots and the like. Still, I rarely say anything like that either, because I don't ever want them to accept what I'm saying on the basis of strict authority. I want them to always question me about my reasons--to expect, to demand, good rational reasons for, well, everything.

From my post:

Besides, if I can't articulate a good, rational reason for wanting a child to do something, then why am I trying to get him to do it? And if I DO have a good, rational reason, then why on earth wouldn't I share that with him? I'm trying to lead by example here--they need this information!

Read the rest of the post here.

Whether by nature or partly because of our Because I Said So policy, my kids are "What for?" kind of kids:

"I don't know what sort of motto the d'Anconias have on their family crest," Mrs. Taggart said once, "but I'm sure that Francisco will change it to 'What for?' " It was the first question he asked about any activity proposed to him--and nothing would make him act, if he found no valid answer. He flew through the days of his summer month like a rocket, but if one stopped him in mid-flight, he could always name the purpose of his every random moment. Two things were impossible to him: to stand still or to move aimlessly.

--Atlas Shrugged, page 94

When I'm asked "What for?" I always give them an answer--and I've often caught myself giving some pretty lame answers. So this policy helps me, too. It forces me to give clear, rational reasons for what I'm wanting them to do, and to evaluate whether my reasons are really rational and connected with reality, or if it's just some half-identified semi-random notion of what kids ought to be doing in such-and-such a situation.

An example of this might be when, years ago, I let go of the idea that Ryan (who was a toddler) needed to sit down and eat a meal from start to finish rather than eat a bit here, wander, eat a bit there, etc. Before I thought that out some, I had it in my head that kids (and everyone) ought to sit and eat full meals at designated times. I know now that this is not a good policy for myself, and I think it's not a good one for my kids.

Our policy now is "eat when you're hungry and stop when your belly says it's full." Sometimes that means you sit and eat a three-course meal. Sometimes that means you graze and wander. Obviously, this is a much easier policy to have and stick to when nobody is in school or has a regular day job with designated meal times. (Maybe your mealtime policy is different--I'm using this as an example only. YMMV and please do not view this as me bossing you about your mealtime policies.)

My point is, removing "Because I Said So!" from your toolbox can be beneficial for both children and parents.

It's sometimes difficult (not to mention time-consuming) to have to articulate all of the whys and wherefores of each request or decision, but the results--clearer thinking, reevaluation of ideas and family policies, children who do not become acclimated to following an authority figure blindly--are totally worth it.

Objectivist Round Up #208

Welcome to the July 7, 2011 edition of the Objectivist Round Up! This is the "I just got back from OCON and all you got was this AWESOME blog carnival" edition! :D

As I wrote in my Blogiversary post the other day (see below for a link), if it wasn't for blogging and this carnival, I might never have had the opportunity to get to know so many other Objectivists online and in person. So blogging itself, and all that has come out of it, is a central source of spiritual fuel for me.

Thanks for reading and participating in the Objectivist Round Up! And if we haven't met in person yet, then I hope we will one day!


C.W. presents The End of QE2 posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "The end of the Fed's massive program means that we face a period of greater uncertainty. With crises ocurring all around us and the debt expanding rapidly, we may see the economy begin to fall some more and the Fed do crazier things!"



Scott Connery presents 4 out 5 US Mosques Promote Violent Jihad posted at Rational Public Radio, saying, "It's amazing how out in the open the threat of Islam is. Even inside the United States, 81% of Mosques preach violence. It's not surprising, because the Koran says they should slaughter all disbelievers. What is surprising is the way we have collectively stuck our heads in the sand about the issue."



Joseph Kellard presents Book Review: Gulag by Anne Applebaum posted at The American Individualist, saying, "My rewritten review of a book about a slave system within a slave system."



Joseph Kellard presents Long Beach Patriot: 'We Hold These Truths to Be Self-Evident' posted at Long Beach Patch: Latest Articles, saying, "My story on a woman who reads aloud the Declaration of Independence and U.S. Constitution on a Long Island boardwalk every Independence Day."



Joseph Kellard presents What a Russian Immigrant Taught Me About American Patriotism posted at The American Individualist, saying, "A new and improved version of my column on American patriotism as I learned it from an atheist emigre from a communist country. A new and improved version of my column on American patriotism as I learned it from an atheist émigré from Soviet Russia.



Ari Armstrong presents Letter About Speech-Chilling Campaign Laws posted at Free Colorado, saying, "Campaign laws chill speech. This updates the situation in Colorado."



Diana Hsieh presents NoodleCast #84: Live Rationally Selfish Webcast posted at NoodleFood, saying, "In Sunday's Rationally Selfish Webcast, I answered questions on the moral obligations of children to parents, the boundaries of proper self-defense, real life evil, the reasons to donate blood, and more. Go listen... and join us this Sunday morning for another episode!"



Paul Hsieh presents Do-it-Yourself Health Reformers posted at We Stand FIRM, saying, "David Chase has a fascinating interview with Dr. Brian Forrest, one of the best-known proponents of the "direct pay" model of primary care."



Martin Lindeskog presents EGO: TEA PARTY NOW posted at EGO, saying, "TeaParty.nu (nu is now in Swedish) had an online house-warming party on July 4, Independence Day.

I want to be able to have this site as a showcase on how to create a meeting place (online and IRL) for tea enthusiasts."



Kate Yoak presents I am a little selfish posted at Parenting is..., saying, "Having spent two years at a California preschool, my son is is confused by the notion that the purpose of his life is to protect the earth and live for the sake of others. Here is an example of how I go about undoing the damage."



Santiago and Kelly Valenzuela presents FoxNews Features Article Written by Racists posted at Mother of Exiles, saying, "In this article, I once again out FAIR for what it really is, a white supremacist group. I also turn the debate from the "problems" of immigration to the real problem of the welfare state."



Tod presents Clothing posted at Tod.FM, saying, "What is proper attire?"



Paul Hsieh presents Crowdsourcing Benefits of Personal Genetic Testing posted at We Stand FIRM, saying, "An interesting positive scientific benefit from widespread voluntary consumer genetic testing."



Jason Stotts presents Formspring: Love without Sexual Attraction? posted at Erosophia, saying, "This week I answer a question from a reader about whether it is possible to have love without sexual attraction. The short answer is yes, but the long answer is more interesting."



Jenn Casey presents Time Travel Tuesday and Happy Blogiversary! posted at Rational Jenn, saying "This quick post (published while I was at OCON this week) contains one of my favorite parenting quotations and celebrates my blog's 6th anniversary. Thanks for reading!"




That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of the Objectivist Round Up  using our carnival submission form. Next week's host is Reepicheep's Coracle!

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

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Home!

It's nice to be home! I really enjoyed myself at OCON--but it's nice to be home.

I'll write up my OCON experience soon, but for now, I'm catching up on snuggles and laundry and housework and reading aloud and regaining my argument-moderation skills. :D

A brief blog note: I'm turning on comment approval for older posts as I have attracted the attention of spammers. (That means I'm REALLY famous, huh?) I'm hopeful I won't have to moderate all of the comments, but if the spam continues, I'll enable comment approval for all posts. I don't know how long this will last, but I hope the spammers tire of me soon and I can return to my usual comment policy. Thanks for your understanding!

Time Travel Tuesday & Happy Blogiversary!

Today's Time Travel Tuesday post is a shortie, but goodie--a little parenting advice from Orville Wright.
In fact, it's so short, that I'll reproduce the post in its original entirety, to save you the effort of clicking over. Because I'm nice like that.

While we were at the Museum of Science and Industry, we saw the model of the Wright Brothers' plane. We've seen the same set up many times in Kitty Hawk and Ryan even recognized it. Cool! Part of the exhibit included this quotation from Orville Wright, which Brendan pointed out to me and thought it was very blogworthy (also found here):

We were lucky enough to grow up in a home environment where there was always much encouragement to children to pursue intellectual interests; to investigate whatever aroused curiosity. In a different kind of environment our curiosity might have been nipped long before it could have borne fruit.

Isn't that awesome? What a tribute to his parents. Every child should be so "lucky."

I think of this quotation often, as our house is generally overrun with projects and experiments and businesses. It's a big part of my homeschooling philosophy, giving the kids lots and lots of time and opportunity for independent exploration. So I can relate to Mrs. Wright.

Though probably Mrs. Wright had higher housekeeping standards than I do so her house wasn't quite as disastrous-looking as mine typically is, but I suspect she got tired of every horizontal surface of her house being covered with a project, too.

And today marks the 6th year of this here blog! I named this blog "Rational Jenn" as a reminder to myself of my commitment to rationality (and the other virtues, too). Having that word always at the top of my computer screen (and now it's become my username for all manner of internet-related things, too) is a nice visible reminder of that goal. Sometimes I don't always live up to the commitment, but when that happens, I see my blog name and think Well, I guess I'd better start living up to that name again! and get going on life. :D

I'm at OCON in Florida just at the moment, and I'll be sure to tell you all about that experience next time I see you. I honestly wonder if I'd have made it to an OCON if it weren't for the blog--as a direct result of writing on this blog, I've been able to meet so many interesting, thoughtful, funny, happy people! And that's inspired me to keep on meeting new people (and renew old friendships) and stay in touch with all of these interesting, thoughtful, funny, happy people, too.

So thank you for reading and commenting and chatting with me in person, on Twitter, and on Facebook! It's an honor and a pleasure to know you!

Headed for OCON!

This morning, I'll be flying down to Fort Lauderdale to attend a little bit of OCON! I've never been before and I'm very interested to see what it will be like.

Brendan is hanging back here with the critters, partly for budgetary purposes (OCON is a wee bit pricier than ATLOSCon) and partly because we are still recovering from our big road trip. They'll have a nice long weekend of doing some . . . well, I don't know exactly. Fireworks for sure. I guess I'll find out when I get back home on Tuesday night!

I decided to go to OCON for several reasons. Firstly, I've never been and have always wanted to go. And this year it's somewhat conveniently located in Florida. I'm also eager to see some old friends and meet some people from the internets I've known for a good little while! Another reason is that now that I'm the kind of person who seems to be involved in throwing conferences, I'm terribly interested to see how the professional conference peopleguys do it, to see if I can get any good ideas for our next ATLOSCon. Finally, I'm going to network with other people involved in community groups all over the country, to swap some ideas with them and hopefully generally promote our group here in Atlanta.

That's kind of a long list. Which explains why I've been viewing this trip as a business trip of sorts rather than a vacation. It only just occurred to me that I'll be staying at a fancy-schmancy resort on the beach! (Shhhhh! Don't tell the kids!)

I know I'll miss my family again, but hopefully I won't miss them as badly as I did when I went to Denver for SnowCon. There's less pressure for this trip because I'm not speaking--and I think that's part of the reason why I missed my crew last time--they're my best supporters!

So probably I'll manage to relax a bit and maybe it will even feel vacation-y! (Shhhh! Don't tell Brendan!) A friend of mine asked me to room with her at the conference and I did consider it because it would have saved me some money. But in the end I decided that a nice, clean, big room all to myself was probably just the thing I really really needed on a trip away from my family, so I declined her kind offer.

Oh! Did you want to know what I'm doing at OCON? Well I'll tell you! I'm going to the opening banquet tonight (including the newbie reception if I get ready in time) and then early EARLY tomorrow morning I have a date with LB and SB to do some CrossFit! That may sound like crazytalk, but I assure you that I'm nearly as excited about that as I am about the classes I'm taking!

I'm taking all of the general sessions and other events that are included in the price. And I'm in Tara Smith's class called "To Imagine a Heaven--and How 'Sense of Life' Can Help You to Claim It" which sounds very interesting. I've heard great things about Dr. Smith as a speaker, so I figured if I had to pick only one optional class (and that's all I could afford), I couldn't go wrong with this choice!

Beyond that, I'm pretty open with my schedule. I have a dinner date with the Mossoffs and some others one night and that's pretty. much. it. Oh, and a community group leader in NC and I are planning to get together and talk strategy. The rest? I'll figure it out as I go along. Very Type B of me, don't you think?

Blogging will be light, but I'm bringing my new iPad (OMG DID I TELL YOU BRENDAN SURPRISED ME WITH AN IPAD 2 THE OTHER NIGHT?!?!?!? WELL HE DID!!!) so I may get a little blogging done here and there. And certainly look for me on Twitter (and you can find other tweets about OCON if you click here).

So that's what I'm doing this weekend! Look me up if you're going. And if I don't see you there, then have a lovely Independence Day Weekend!

6 Down, 6 To Go!

It occurred to me this morning that 2011 is halfway over! I started thinking about what I've managed to do so far this year, and, goal-oriented person that I am, that got me thinking about what I want to do for the rest of the year.

Here's what I've done so far:

• Gone down a dress size at least

• Improved my fitness by leaps and bounds (saying by standing broad jumps would probably be more accurate). For example, my dead lift at the beginning of the year was something like 95 pounds. About six weeks ago, it was 175. My front squat was something like 75 pounds. A few weeks ago it was 105. And I ran in two 5K races! Vacations notwithstanding, I'm going to CrossFit three times a week regularly and am contemplating moving up to four (or adding something regular outside of CF such as running or maybe rock climbing or something like that).

• Spoke at and attended two different conferences!

• Did lots of work for ATLOS and our small businesses

• Gotten tons better at knitting! I'd say I can tackle pretty much any pattern listed as intermediate without too many problems now.

• Lots of writing, here on the blog and elsewhere

• Two long road trips with the fam

• Have a better handle on a budget for our family and gotten some good practice (and good failures, yippee mistakes!) at sticking to it

• Facilitated lots of fun learning things for our homeschool, such as science experiments, Patch Club, reading, talking, math, business, etc. The kids have accomplished a lot this year, but I can't take credit for the fact that Ryan is now reading chapter books all the time (the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series seemed to do it); or that he figured out how to solve what amounted to basically an algebra problem all on his own; or that Morgan continues apace with her knowledge absorption and has added excellent spelling to her repertorie somehow; or that Sean has recently begun sounding out three letter words and recently counted all the way up to 76 with only reminders about the names of the tens that came next (forty, fifty, etc). But I can take credit for doing what I've done, which has been reading aloud, explaining stuff, answering questions, teaching people how to Google stuff, and driving them to co-op and museums and the playground.

• Facilitated the resolution of approximately 9 billion kid disagreements (a conservative estimate)

So what's next?

• More of all of that kid facilitation stuff

• More ATLOS work 

• More CrossFit and paleo (I'm going to participate, at least informally, in our gym's next paleo challenge which starts in mid-July)

• Maybe run in another 5K

• One unassisted pull up

• Double unders, OMG. I am so pitiful at them. I'd like to get two in a row. Hell, I'd like to get even just ONE consistently (what am I doing wrong!?!?!?!?)!

• Keep knitting! I want to make lots of fun cute stuff.

• Methodically declutter one room at a time (I've actually been doing this since May)

• Make a decision with Brendan about whether to move or stay in this house (but declutter as if we are going to move!)

• Attend two more conferences (one, starting TOMORROW!), and speak at one

• Hopefully get back to Cultivating the Virtues stuff since we've been on an extended hiatus for practically all of 2011

• Take a class in stand-up comedy

That's a lot! We'll see what I can do.

And then I posted this status on FB:

2011 is halfway over! I've accomplished much so far, and much still ahead. Do you have goals for the rest of the year? Let's hear 'em!

And was delighted that many of my friends responded with their goals for the rest of 2011, too!

So if you have any Mid-Year's Resolutions, and wish to share them with the rest of the class, post them in the comments, please! It's super inspiring to read about what everyone has done and will be doing, so I hope you do tell us what your goals are!